Desired: Loving An Alpha Male (9 page)

“So what I did to fuck with my family is join an agency that would piss them off every time they thought about it… I joined the CIA.”

“You’re a CIA agent?”

I chuckled at the size of her eyes. “Oh no, not anymore, but for twelve years, yes, I was. The CIA doesn’t recruit kids fresh out of high school, but I ascertained a certain amount of skills growing up that they couldn’t possibly pass up, so at the age of eighteen, I was trusted with the life of spies.”

“So you’re estranged from your family because you joined the CIA?”

I sighed and just looked at her.  This was something that I didn’t want to tell her about. Only Angel and my Uncle knows about my past, and it took me months before I confided in them.  I really could make up anything at this point, but I didn’t. Instead, I gave her the exact same honesty she gave me. “Well, they don’t like me for a number of reasons, but for me, it is a lot deeper than that.  So…” Georgia sat up a little, placed her back against the backboard and hugged the pillow to her. I laid on my back and put my hands behind my head.  I looked up at the ceiling and continued, “I need to explain that I was really good at what I did for the agency.  They would call me for most of the sensitive assignments, and I would do whatever I needed to accomplish the goal they wanted. If I didn’t like the job or I felt something was up with the assignment, I wouldn’t do it.  I worked alone, so I didn’t have a problem bailing on a job.  I mean, the powers to be might not approve, but fuck them… Well, not to go into details, but I was told to capture and bring a very important witness to an undisclosed Embassy. I was specifically told to do a snatch and grab clean. So I went to where the subject was and planned on doing just that.  But when I got there, someone beat me to him, and they killed him.”

I heard her gasp so I looked back at her, “Are you okay with me telling you this?”

She nodded, and I added, “Baby, I need for you to say the words to me. Are you okay?”

“Yes, Drake, I’m okay… I’m not shocked that he was killed… I mean, I was, but I was more shocked that someone beat you to it.”

“Yeah, me too.  So I got out of there as quick as I could. Well, the problem was this person was some big hotshot, something that I didn’t know, and someone planted evidence that pointed right at me.  I mean, the moment I made it out of the apartment where the body was, the police were already there. I barely got out of the country with my life, then to find out that my own country was selling me out to take the fall for this fucker.  My superiors complained about me, had written documentation that I was mentally unstable- shit that they have never told me, and accused me, in writing, for shit I didn’t do.  I’ve never seen any formal or informal complaint on me until that moment.”

“They set you up,” I heard her whisper.  I nodded my head and didn’t reply.

The shit they did was still fresh in my mind.  It had happened about six years ago and just like Georgia that shit was still warm.

“What did you do?” she asked.

I took a deep breath, “Well, I did what I was good at.  I got to the bottom of the shit and cleared my name by finding the person that set me up.”

“Did that person get arrested?”

I didn’t want to answer her question. This was too much for me to share, but I heard myself say, “No, baby, he wasn’t arrested, but I can tell you that I took care of him none the less.”

It was her turn to be quiet, and I let her. This was a lot for her to take in.  She just told me about killing someone and seeing all that blood and bodies, and I just indirectly told her that I had committed that same sin.

“So your family, they didn’t help you clear your name?”

I chuckled, “Oh, no, baby… they were the main ones trying to bury me.  They believed everything that was being said about me and probably still believe that shit.  They were condemning me more than the CIA was… So much for loyalty, right?”

“Wow. I’m sorry, Drake.”

I rolled, propped myself up on my elbows and forearm, and faced her. “Baby, don’t waste your sorry on me, okay?  I’ve done some fucked up shit throughout my days in the agency. But what’s fucked up is how they treated me after all I had done for them.  The fact that they were saying I was unstable and shit, fucked with me.  So I got out of the agency and never looked back.”

“Has your family found the error of their ways and tried to mend what they’ve done?”

“Not in the way that you think. My father said, ‘Well, what did you expect from us? You joined up with that agency and that’s all they do is set up their own people.’ He didn’t take accountability for his part or my siblings and mother.  So I say fuck them every chance I get, and I continue to shit on them when necessary.”

“What if they change? Would you forgive them? What if they need you one day? Would you help them?”

“Baby, I don’t know if I would.  It would depend. I’m not an honorable man. If you fuck with me, I will fuck with you far worse than you could ever imagine.  I’m not ashamed of that fact at all. So it would take a lot for me to do it.  I’m all for the loyalty thing.  If I give you my trust, I expect it in return. Fuck that up, and I will forever be your enemy, and honestly, baby, you don’t want me for an enemy.”

I let that sink in for a bit before I added, “You don’t have anything to worry about that though.”

“Yeah… I guess I don’t…” She turned from me, got up and walked into the bathroom.

I closed my eyes and laid back on the bed.

I’m such a fucking idiot
.

I got up early the next morning and unraveled from Drake.

Last night was emotional, to say the least. I mean, I really don’t understand why I gave up all that information to him. He claimed he understood, but I really wished he’d elaborated more. I’ve never in my life repeated any of that to anyone. My past was just as I said- mine.  No one would understand the dynamics of my family life and those that do pretend to would fail at it.

The story of my life is typical of any female growing up in one of the worst neighborhoods in Baltimore.  My neighborhood, Edmondson Heights, was filled with abandoned buildings that drug dealers used frequently as well as addicts.  There was crime of all kinds but mainly it was the drugs that brought the area down. 

Both my parents were addicts and barely around to take care of me.  My mom wasn’t always an addict.  I have memories of her taking me to the park, baking cakes for my birthdays. I remember her taking me to school.  My mom was the glam girl.  She always dressed very well and smelled pretty; that’s what I remember of her.  We had food on the table, and I had almost anything I would ever want.  We weren’t living in Edmondson during that time. We lived in a pretty nice area of Baltimore, at least that’s what I remember.  I also remember visiting my grandparents a lot back then. 

I can’t begin to tell you what happened.  I mean, one minute my mom was happy, smiling and laughing all the time.  Then the next she was sad and crying all the time. She started to wither away with each passing day.  She stopped caring about looking nice, smelling nice. She stopped caring about taking me to the park and making dinner. 

Then the random men started coming. She stopped taking me to my grandparents. One day, she came and got me from school and instead of us going to our nice apartments, she took us to this rundown high rise in Edmondson Heights. Still to this day, I can’t tell you what happened that changed her.  My mom never told me, and I never asked.

I watched my loving-life mom turn into a bitter fiend in less than a month.  Her boyfriend, who she told me was my father, became her supplier, pimp, and executioner. She long forgot about me.  I used to have to find something to feed myself, if there was anything in the cabinets to find, and I used to walk back and forth to and from school alone.  My school was far, and it took me a long time to get there on my little legs.  I passed by street hustlers and gang bangers every day. I wasn’t afraid though. Seeing them was like window dressing for the neighborhood I was in. But I refused to miss school. School was my way out. It was my escape from the hell that was my home.

Coming home from school one day, I found my mom dead on the steps of my apartment complex.  I ran into the apartment to get my father and found him lying on the couch dead too. I was nine at the time, so I just called the cops and waited.  It took them a few hours to come. When they did, I became the ward of the state.  They threw me into some house in the neighborhood, and I went from hell to completely hopelessness. The two people I had to call mother and father were horrible to me and the six kids they housed. Mother called me fat and told me I would be nothing but a whore or a fiend just like my mama. Father tried his best to see me naked every chance he got. I wanted to leave, especially when I was attacked, but after that thing with Jay Rock, I couldn’t do it. I stayed there until I was seventeen. The day I turned seventeen, I left for college and never looked back.

I don’t tell anyone my story because I don’t need sympathy from people. I never let my past hold me back, but it became the reason for my future. What always seems to happen though is I surround myself with people that truly care nothing about me.  I mean look at Gavin.  I loved him and thought he felt the same way.  But when I think about it, the constant “Georgia, do this” or “Georgia, don’t do that” or, which, by the way, is my favorite, “Georgia, why can’t you be more like Maya,” it was obvious that he didn’t love me for who I was.  I don’t know what he thought I could be, but clearly I wasn’t the woman for him.  If I were, he wouldn’t have banged my best friend.

Couldn’t he have had sex with another woman? On our wedding night with the maid of honor is so freaking cliché. And Maya, I thought she was family.  That’s what she would always say to me, that I was the sister she never had.  But at the end of the day, as with most people in my life, she stabbed me in the back. 

I think I need to re-evaluate my lifestyle and the people I keep close to me.  My problem is I open myself up too soon to people that haven’t even proven themselves worthy of my love, worthy of my heart. That needs to change.  And maybe it should start now.

I moved into the bathroom and took a long shower, trying to figure out a way I could tell Drake that I didn’t want to hang out with him anymore. However, whatever plan I tried to think of, I just didn’t like the outcome.  I didn’t want to admit it out loud, but I loved being with this man.  I loved the way he looked at me, how he touched me.  He was possessive at times, but there were those times where he just let me be myself.  

But I had to keep this in perspective.  This was just an arrangement that wasn’t going to last. When we go our separate ways, I will never see him again.

I closed my eyes and let the hot water fall over my face to hide the tears that were starting to fall. I didn’t want this to end.  I wanted forever with this man, but I knew for a fact he was probably not good for me.  He’d said it multiple times, and from the first night I met him, I knew he was bad for me.

I should be thankful that this would end soon. But part of me, the wanna-be rebel side of me, wanted him desperately. He was like that decadent chocolate cake that you know you shouldn’t eat, but it keeps calling for you, baiting you, and you can’t resist just a bite, and as always, one bite is all it takes, and you’re hooked.

I got out of the shower and wrapped myself tight in my towel. When I exited the bathroom, Drake was asleep.  I stood there and studied him.  He seemed so peaceful in his sleep, so less threatening. Watching people move out of his way when we were walking through town was always comical to me.  It was obvious that he was used to it though, so I could only imagine how he was in the states.

But to me, right now at this very moment, he seemed harmless.

“Are you just going to stand there and stare at me?”

I jumped slightly and smiled.  He opened his eyes and looked over at me.

I don’t know how he does it but all he has to do is look at me, and I swear I melt. 

I cleared my throat and moved to the chair furthest away from him. “Are you going to sleep the day away?”

Drake watched me closely until I sat down and crossed my legs.  He smirked and said, “Really? You’re going to sit all the way over there?”

“Yes I am…”

“Why? Afraid of what I might do?”

I ran my hands through my braids and answered honestly, “Yes.”

“Baby, you know I wouldn’t do anything you didn’t want me to…”

I nodded. “That’s what I’m afraid of.”

Drake laughed and removed the sheet from his glorious body. I stared at him, eyes wide. It didn’t matter how many times I’d seen him naked, I still had to pay homage to his greatness.

Drake walked over to me, and when he got close, he knelt in front of me. He moved my legs apart and positioned himself between them, bringing his hands to the folded part of my towel.

He said to me, “Never be afraid of what you want, baby… especially not with me.” He opened my towel and the hunger suddenly took over his features. 

“Drake…” I said softly.

“Yeah, baby?” he replied just as low as he moved and started featherlike kisses between my breasts.

I took a few deep breaths.  I was already feeling the effects of him being so close to me.  The anticipation was evident through my body.  I wanted him to touch me; the problem is I wanted it all the time.

He slowly continued his assault down my stomach, and I instantly grabbed him by his ears with both hands and stopped his movement. “Wait… Can we get out of this room?  I know where this is going, and I also know once you kiss me, we’ll be at it again for another hour…”

He grunted, “At least…”

“Yeah, so please can you save your assault on my senses until later? I want to go snorkeling.” My heart was pounding in my chest, and I knew I was drenched, waiting for some Drake loving, but I was serious.  I knew what it meant to be ravished by Drake, and I needed to stop myself from getting attached. I needed to keep this whole thing in perspective, right? Or at least try anyway.

Drake leaned into me and kissed me. He didn’t deepen it, and when he parted from me, he smiled. “No problem, baby. We can do whatever you want… But please be on notice; I will continue this assault on your senses, as you call it, tonight.” His finger went along my lips, then down my chin. He moved in to kiss me again, and I almost said forget snorkeling… Drake is just that good.