Derailed (5 page)

No, you had to bring me to my knees.

My chest got tight again. Images from my dreams combined with guilt over ending things with Ben so badly. I finished my beer, eagerly grabbing Kelly’s half-finished one and drinking it as well, hoping to make the pain stop.

I hope you like the world out there,

I hope you like the way he feels,

Maybe one day you’ll remember that you promised forever just to me.

Days became months became years and still no forever, not even a someday—

I just sit here where you put me six feet under, wondering why you punished me.

Then I did the stupidest thing ever; I looked up and met his eyes, saw the pain there, the intense way he looked at me.

Someday I’ll stop waiting,

I’ll stop expecting to be saved,

I’ll accept that you meant to put me here and prefer the way he tastes. 

Maybe then I’ll have reached the end.

But until then I’ll sit here where you put me in a grave six feet under, hoping one day you’ll return to rescue me.

I closed my eyes, and all I could see was Adam’s pale and lifeless face. I snapped. Getting up, I grabbed my purse and headed to the door.

“Molly, wait up.” Kelly tried to keep up with me.

Outside, I stopped to look at her. “I can’t do this. I’m sorry.”

“Okay, let me go back in and get my keys. I’ll take you home.”

“No, thanks, I’ll walk.”

“It’s over a mile, and it’s dark.”

“I don’t care. Sorry.” I took off, not bothering to look behind me.

I couldn’t run fast, not in sandals with heels, but I walked as quickly as I could, knowing exactly where I was going. Once I reached the front steps, I slipped my shoes off as I moved through the front hall. I grabbed a towel from the mud room on my way out the back door.

I pulled off my tank as soon as I hit the dock. I hadn’t unpacked my swimsuits yet, and I wasn’t about to let that stop me. I stripped off my skirt, standing alone on the faded wood dock. Dad was the only one who ever took care things like that, and he’d been gone five years. Wearing only a grey bra and panties, I looked down at the black water and hesitated for a second before diving in.

Cool water greeted me. It was too early in the season for the water temperature to have risen yet. I sunk further down—away from two boys, one who left me and one who I left. I came up for air, the saltiness of my tears blending in with the water.

I floated, letting the slight current move me. Part of me hoped it would take me so far out I’d never find my way back again. The lights from the dock lit the night, but with my eyes closed, I could pretend the world had gone dark.

I’m not sure how long I floated when a voice broke me out of my reverie.

“A little late for a swim, isn’t it?”

I opened my eyes and looked up at the dock to see Ben sitting with his legs hanging over the edge. “A little late for a visit, isn’t it?” I shot back, not ready to face him.

“Well, if you recall, we were supposed to be catching up tonight. You left before that could happen.”

“I wonder why I did that?” I swam reluctantly over to the dock.

“You ready to come out yet?”

“Not with you watching.”

“Like I haven’t seen you wet and naked before.” He smirked.

“I’m not naked.”

“See, so really there’s no reason to worry about it.”

“Turn around,” I ordered.

“Fine, if you insist.” He laughed as he turned to look up at the house.

Not sure how much time he’d give me, I climbed up the ladder, grabbing my towel and quickly wrapping it around me without drying off first. I sat down where Ben had just been sitting, squeezing some water from my hair.

“It’s safe to turn around.”

“I’m not sure safe is the best word.” He sat down right next to me so that our arms and legs nearly touched.

I didn’t think that deserved a response. “How’d you know where to find me?”

“You used to always come out here for a swim when you were upset.” He paused, grinning. “Usually it was because you were mad at me for something stupid.”

“I always had a good reason to be mad.”

“Yeah right. You gave me the silent treatment for a week when I skipped out on the art department fundraiser.”

“Exactly, you deserved it. I spent months organizing that, and then you bailed.”

“And what was I supposed to do to help? Face painting kids wasn’t really my thing.”

“It wouldn’t have mattered whether you sat in the corner the whole time. It was about you not being there.” I regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth. They were only going to remind us both of the night that changed everything for us.

“Yeah, well eighteen-year-old guys don’t always get that.” He looked at me intently, as if seeking the understanding and forgiveness I never gave him at seventeen.

I forced a laugh, pretending I didn’t realize what he was actually saying. “But really, am I that predictable?”

“You were, and I took a lucky guess that some things never change.”

“Some things do though.”

“Maybe only the things that need to change.”

“That’s deep, Ben.”

He cracked a smile. “I’m sorry about tonight.”

“No, you’re not. You knew that would happen when you offered to take requests. Kelly says it’s one of your biggest hits.”

“That doesn’t mean I’m not sorry. I admit I wanted you to hear it, but then, seeing the look on your face and the way you ran out like the place was on fire, I realized it probably wasn’t the best idea.”

“Well, if your goal was to hurt me, you succeeded.”

I started to stand up when Ben wrapped his hand around my wrist. “Wait, come on, let me finish.”

“Oh so there’s more to the story than you trying to hurt me?”

“I didn’t want to hurt you. I just wanted you to know how I felt. But I’ve had a change of heart.”

“What brought on this change of heart?”

“Other than the thought of you dripping wet in your underwear?” He smiled sheepishly.

“I assume, since you came out here to begin with, you had the change of heart beforehand.”

“All right, you got me there. It was just the look on your face. I know a lot of time has passed, but damn it, I still care about you, whether I like it or not.”

“I did you a favor, you know,” I whispered. He still hadn’t released my wrist, and I wasn’t fighting.

“A favor? This I’ve got to hear.”

“I saved you from being with me. You’re lucky.”

He chortled. “In what universe does losing you make me lucky?”

“I’m poison, Ben. Poison.”

“Are you high? Because if you’re not, then you’re seriously scaring me.”

“I should scare you.”

His grip on my wrist tightened. “The only thing that scares me is watching you leave in a few weeks just to find some other douche to marry.”

“Adam wasn’t a douche, and why does that matter?”

“Wasn’t? How bad was this breakup that you’re talking in the past tense?”

“The horrible, final kind,” I said icily.

“I see. Well, I hope you didn’t talk about me in the past tense.”

“No, not with you.”

He smiled slightly. “Well, that’s something.”

“Why does it even matter?”

“Oh no. You still need to tell me what all this poison bullshit is.” He examined my wrist, belatedly checking it to make sure he hadn’t hurt me.

“I’m just making you realize that there are worse things than having me leave.”

“I haven’t experienced any yet.”

“Just stop. You wanted to make me feel guilty, and you were successful.” I pulled my hand away from him and stood up. Before I could take two steps, he was on his feet.

“I don’t want you to feel guilty!” he yelled.

“Then what do you want?”

He tugged at his hair. “Why the hell not?” I heard him mutter before he pulled me toward him, wrapping his arms around me tightly until I was flush against him. With a hand under my chin, he made me look up at him. “I want
you
, Molly, can’t you see that?”

He didn’t wait for an answer. The crush of his lips against mine made it impossible for any verbal response. My body kicked into autopilot, responding to him. He slightly loosened his hold on me, and I wrapped my arms around his neck. In the process, my towel dropped, but I was too into the kiss to do anything about it. He demanded access, and I opened up to him, allowing him to deepen the kiss. As his hand started to slip under the wet fabric of my bra, my brain returned from its haze.

“Stop.” I pulled my lips from his, pushing my hands against his chest.

He didn’t acknowledge it at first, but eventually he must have realized I was no longer into the kiss. He stepped back, just staring at me. His eyes revealed a hunger that scared me with its intensity. I wasn’t ready for anything like it. I retrieved my towel, tying it securely around me.

“You’ve got to get out of here.”

“Why?” His hands already reached defiantly toward me.

I took a step back. “Because we just came way too close to doing something we’d both regret.”

“Regret? Why the hell would we regret it? We want each other; we’re both single, what’s the problem?”

“It’s—”

“Wait. Don’t even try with the poison excuse again.”

“Let’s not go down this path. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Then don’t hurt me.”

“Ben.”

“Then what do you suggest?” He rocked back on his heels.

“We stay away from each other?”

“Uh huh, because that will be easy.”

“We can try.” I shrugged.

“You do that.” He winked. “See you around.”

“I don’t plan on it.” I tried to hide the smile that crept onto my face before turning away from him.

“Sweet dreams.”

“I’d say the same to you, but I don’t want you to take it too literally.”

He laughed, and I realized just how much I’d missed the deep sound. “Don’t worry; I’ll have those dreams anyhow.”

Picking up my pile of clothes, I headed up to the back porch. Turning around, I saw Ben standing in the same spot, watching me.

Chapter Six

My hours at Marney’s were sporadic, likely because Gail was only making up shifts for me. Sometimes I’d work two half shifts, which left me with an inordinate amount of free time in the middle of the day. After the morning rush on my second day, I decided to head home and grab my camera.

Talking to Ben about the old art department fundraiser had reminded me of just how long it had been since I’d really focused on my photography. With the extra time on my hands, I figured it couldn’t hurt. One of the few luxuries I’d allowed myself during school was a nice camera. I loved my Nikon, but I had been using it more as a way to record my life rather than to take photos for artistic purposes.

Wandering down to the beach, I spent a few hours snapping shots. Before long, I found my favorite spot to take pictures: a protected area surrounded by large sand dunes. All sorts of things washed up there, from crabs and beautiful shells, to old beer bottles and trash. I once did a whole series of pictures on the trash that washed ashore. As gross as trash can be, there is something poetic about the juxtaposition of something so dirty against the beauty of the beach. But my all-time favorite thing to photograph was driftwood. I loved how every piece was a little different, like they each had their own story to tell.

After a few hours of taking pictures, I arrived back at work in time to help prepare for lunch. By a quarter after noon, Gail and I realized it was going to be a much heavier crowd than usual.

She blamed it on me. “If you’ll notice, it’s mostly male customers. A little suspicious, if you ask me.”

“Yeah right, they’re all here for you.”

She laughed. “Let’s call it even.”

“Hey, Molly.” Tom strolled in.

“Hi there.” I hoped Kelly hadn’t mentioned my meltdown the night before. When I texted before bed to let her know I was okay, she said it was fine.

“Can you talk for a second?” he asked.

“Two minutes, and then I need her back,” Gail answered for me.

“Okay, two minutes,” he repeated.

I walked around the counter and followed him to an empty table. “What’s up?”

“I’ll get right to the point. Kelly is worried about you, which means I’m worried about you.”

“Oh, about last night? I didn’t mean to upset her.” I sank down further into my chair.

“I’m sure you didn’t. But you scared her. She’s afraid you’re depressed.”

“I’m not depressed.”

“You know what might help make up for it, though?”

“What?” I so didn’t need a guilt trip, even though I knew he was right.

“Come over for dinner tonight. You still haven’t seen the house, and she’d love to show it off.”

“All right,” I answered quickly. If it might help smooth things over with Kelly, I was all about it. She was the only friend in town I’d bothered to keep in contact with, and I needed her friendship more than I’d ever have admitted.

“Great. Come over around seven?”

“Sure, but I better get back to work.”

“All right, see you later,” he called over his shoulder as he walked out. He hadn’t even ordered food.

The next hour went quickly, and things had just started to quiet when Ben walked through the door.

“Wow, fancy meeting you here.” He smiled, strolling right up to the counter.

“This is what you call staying away?”

“If you recall, I never agreed to
that
plan.”

“Are you here to eat?”

“No… I grabbed lunch earlier but I thought I’d just say hello.”

“Well, hello.”

“Any plans for a night swim again?” He leaned against the counter, getting too close for my comfort.

I took a step back. “I think I got that out of my system last night.” We were really getting good at having conversations with hidden meanings.

“Well, if you change your mind, let me know.”

“What part of staying away don’t you get?”

“All of it.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. See you later,” I waved before turning my attention to cleaning the counters.