Defender (Battle Born Book 4) (9 page)

After moving a chair closer to Chandar’s corner, Indigo sat down facing her. “That’s nonsense. I’ve seen the way he looks at you.”

“So have I. He feels sorry for me and that’s all.”

Indigo shook her head, blue hair swishing around her shoulders. “If that’s true, which I’m not convinced it is, then it’s all he’s allowing himself to feel.” She took a quick breath and locked gazes with Chandar. “You need to open his eyes.”

“What else can I do? I basically threw myself at him last night and he comforted me like a child.” A soft sigh escaped and then she admitted, “That’s not fair. I was still really upset. He comforted me because that’s what he thought I needed. That’s what he always does. He gives me what it seems like I want.”

“Well, what
do
you want from Raylon? You have to answer that question in your own mind before you can communicate it to someone else.”

“I want him to see me as an adult, a potential sexual partner.”

One of Indigo’s brows arched dramatically, challenging the statement. “Is sex all you want from him?”

“I don’t know.” Her sigh was deep and ragged this time. “Maybe we’ll never have more than a brief affair, but I want to interact as adults. I want him to treat me as an equal.”

“How could you make it obvious that he’s dealing with a mature female and not a frightened child?”

“I don’t know.”

“Yes you do.” Indigo never let her get away with pointless denials and she seldom provided the answers outright. She prompted Chandar with questions and redirected her thinking until Chandar came up with the answers for herself. “Think about it for a minute. What can you do?”

“Flirt with him. Touch him. Maybe even instigate a kiss.” It sounded so simple, so easy. Yet each time she attempted to be more assertive, the gaping holes in her past sucked her back into uncertainty. “I’m not sure I can.”

“What’s holding you back?”

“I see glimpses of myself. I know this fear is new and unwelcome, yet I’m not sure how to banish it completely.”

“Did you see memories along with the vision last night?”

Chandar nodded. “I think it’s unavoidable. If I want access to my magic, I’m going to have to deal with the pain.”

“Unfortunately, I agree.” Indigo suddenly perked up. “Oh, I almost forgot. Garin gave Zilor an address for Vox Loriet. We sent him a message this morning, but we’ve yet to receive a reply.”

“Are you certain the address is current?” Indigo’s grandmother told her in a dream that Vox would be able to help them with Chandar’s recovery. He was a powerful Bilarrian mage, but other than that, they knew nothing about him.

“Zilor also sent messages to several of Garin’s contacts. If the address is no longer valid, hopefully someone else will provide a new lead.”

Chandar just nodded, not sure how she felt about the development. There was something about the name Vox that seemed familiar. But like so much in her life, she couldn’t draw the information out of the darkness.

“If you’re ready, I’ll get started.” Indigo stood and moved behind Chandar’s chair.

“Are you going to reconnect more strands?” The memory wipe had severed several clusters of Chandar’s soul strands, the multicolored manifestations of a person’s essence and energy. People who could see the strands were rare. Those who could manipulate them, like Indigo, were highly prized for their unique skill.

“That’s up to you. The last time I reconnected a strand, it triggered a vision. Are you willing to risk going through that again?”

“I can’t run from this.” Chandar sounded much more certain than she felt. “Too much of who I am is still lost in darkness.”

Indigo rested her hands on Chandar’s shoulders and Chandar felt the now familiar tingling that signaled Indigo’s presence in her mind. “You said memories were released along with your vision.”

“Yes.” She knew Indigo well enough to expect follow-up questions. It was Indigo’s job to push her, to help her confront her emotional demons.

“Specific scenes or jumbled impressions?”

“Both.”

“You need to talk about it. You don’t have to be specific, but burying it completely will only hurt worse in the end.”

Chandar stared straight ahead and spoke without inflection. These memories only had as much power as she gave them. She would relay the facts without allowing herself to feel anything. “Akim gave me to his brother. Erkott was a sadistic pig who reveled in the misery of others. He hurt me and humiliated me in ways you don’t want to imagine.” Despite her determination to feel nothing, revulsion and anger rolled through her composure. Her stomach knotted and her fists clenched, and still she stared into the distance.

“Why did he hurt you?”

The question shocked Chandar out of her emotionless haze. “What kind of question is that? He hurt me because he was evil. I didn’t do anything to deserve his abuse.”

“I didn’t say you did. Why did you bring it up?”

She jerked away from Indigo’s touch, too restless to remain seated. “I know that’s what they’re thinking. How could they not?”

“Who are ‘they’?”

“Everyone,” Chandar sneered. “I’m a harbinger. Why didn’t I see it coming?” She heard her own question and froze. “Why
didn’t
I see it coming?” Blood rushed through her ears and her lips began to tremble. “If I’m so gods damned powerful, why didn’t my power warn me that I was in horrible danger?”

Compassion warmed Indigo’s gaze, but she remained behind the chair, hands resting on the seatback. “Have you ever seen into your own future? Will a harbinger’s power work that way?”

“No.” She made the statement with authority, though she hadn’t known the answer until right then. “We see events concerning those with whom we’re connected, but never specific images of our own future.”

“Then you couldn’t have known.”

She nodded and tears blurred her vision. “I couldn’t have known.”

“Then why did he hurt you?”

“Because it made him feel powerful.”

Indigo smiled. “Very good. It had nothing to do with you. You could have been anyone.”

“Which means I didn’t do anything to bring it on.”

Indigo nodded. “And there was nothing you could have done to prevent it.”

“It wasn’t personal.” Even if his chosen weapon had been an intensely personal act, she had been a means to an end. “It was never about me.”

“He was weak, powerless, and filled with rage. The only way he could make himself feel better was to hurt someone else.”

Chandar let the realization sink in for a moment before she said, “He still deserved to die.”

“Absolutely. That type of evil doesn’t stop. It becomes darker and more malevolent until it’s ground out of existence.”

Chandar drew in a deep breath then released it slowly. “How did you know?” She returned to her chair, but sat nearly sideways so she could see Indigo’s face.

“It’s a common reaction. You hide it better than most, but I was pretty sure guilt was still a big part of what you’re feeling.”

“You were right.” She turned around, but caught Indigo’s hand when she reached toward her. “I saw an image this morning and I’m not sure how I feel about it.”

Indigo lightly placed her hand on Chandar’s shoulder. “What did you see?”

“I was face-to-face with Akim. He was indignant and cruel, like always. But I wasn’t afraid, not even a little.”

“Why did that upset you?”

“It didn’t.” After a brief pause, she admitted, “It’s the reason I wasn’t afraid that I found troubling.”

“Why weren’t you afraid?”

Chandar hadn’t realized this would be so hard to talk about or she wouldn’t have brought it up. “I looked him right in the eyes and told him I’d been on a vision quest.” Realizing Indigo wasn’t familiar with the term, Chandar looked back. “That’s when a harbinger seeks out specific information. It’s extremely hard to do.”

“Did your vision quest work? What specific information were you seeking?”

“I wanted to see how Akim dies. Partially, it was just morbid curiosity. But I also figured it would give me clues to when and how I escaped him.”

“If he died in prison, you’d know he was caught. Or if Danvier blew his head off, you’d be able to see how old he was?”

“Exactly.”

Indigo squeezed Chandar’s shoulders with both hands. “Stop being so stingy with the info. What did you see?”

“Nothing. I felt my gift engage. I could even sense his passing, but all I could see was a misty void.”

“Why would that be?”

“Either I’m present when he dies, or I kill him.” She twisted her torso so she could look at Indigo. “Akim deserves to die, but I’m not sure I want anyone’s death on my conscious.” She shivered. “I think I’d rather have someone tell me he’s dead and I’ll never have to see him again.”

“Well, if I know Raylon at all, that can be arranged.”

They lapsed into companionable silence as Indigo went back to work. Chandar relaxed and allowed the tingling to soothe her. Each soul strand Indigo reconnected sent a surge of energy through Chandar. She knew Indigo was being cautions, reconnecting only a few strands at a time. Still, Chandar braced for another vision, dreading the memories that would likely accompany the prophetic images. An hour passed before Indigo eased from Chandar’s mind and declared the session finished. Chandar sighed, thrilled that her body seemed to have accepted the change without a metaphysical reaction.

Indigo stretched her back and rolled her shoulders. “I need to rest for a while, but I think we should have some fun once I’m finished.”

“What’d you have in mind?”

“Let’s play dress up.”

Chandar felt her forehead wrinkle as her eyebrows bunched together above her nose. “Dress up?”

“Let me dress you in some of my clothes and do your hair and makeup. We’ll blame it on boredom.”

“But it will really be meant to open Raylon’s eyes?” Anticipation curled through Chandar as she imagined his possible reactions.

“If I can’t find an outfit that will make him wake up and take notice, my name isn’t Indigo.”

* * * * *

“That man is a pompous ass,” Raylon snapped as the
Phantom One
approached Lunar Nine. He and Garin had already ranted about the myopic stubbornness of Ulrik Tandori until they ran out of adjectives. Still, Raylon simmered, frustrated and resentful.

“He has us over a barrel and he knows it.” Apparently, Garin had moved on from anger to strategy. “He gave us a task. We need to figure out how to accomplish it.”

“He gave us an ultimatum. I hate ultimatums.”

Garin chuckled and swiveled his chair around so he faced Raylon. “We’ve already been over Tandori’s faults, in minute detail. What’s really bothering you?”

“What if she asks to sleep with me again?”

Whipping his head to the side, Garin looked out the viewport. His lips twitched as if he fought off a smile, which was probably exactly what was happening. When Garin finally looked at Raylon again, he’d gained control of his expression. “It seems to me you have two options. Continue to be the perfect gentleman and suffer the agony of blue ball syndrome.”

“I know it well.” Raylon shook his head. “What’s my other option?”

“Give her a taste of what you need from her. No holding back. It will either scare her to death and she’ll leave you alone or it will move you both toward something much more satisfying.”

“What if it makes her think—of them?” He clenched his hands on his thighs as he thought of the bastards who had hurt her. One was already dead, thank the gods. But Akim was still alive and as yet unpunished. A situation Raylon had every intention of changing.

“Then you’ll switch back to defender mode and comfort her. This isn’t infatuation, Raylon. I’ve never seen you like this before.”

“I’ve never felt like this before.” Actually, that wasn’t true. He’d felt like this once before. When he first encountered his
morautu
, his chosen mate. But her tragic death so soon after their bonding had confirmed his decision to dedicate himself to his career. He was a soldier, a damn good one, but there was no place in his brutal life for a female. It was a creed he’d lived by for decades without regret.

And then he rescued Chandar.

“It’s later than I’d realized.” Garin turned his chair back around and activated the navpanel. Many of the outpost’s automated systems were still undergoing maintenance and renovation. At the moment, all ships had to dock manually. “I’ll summon Danvier and Chandar in the morning.” He glanced at Raylon, eyes narrowed. “Would she be more comfortable if I come to the Pavilion instead?”

“Likely.” With a frustrated sigh, Raylon activated his control panel as well. “Anything that makes you seem less intimidating will help.”

“I’m not intimidating unless I want to be.” He sounded slightly affronted.

“Then you must want to be an awfully lot.” Raylon softened the retort with a quick smile. “Most people are intimidated by you.”

They docked a few minutes later and Garin headed for the
Crusader
. As had become his habit, Raylon took the express tunnel to the Pavilion. He’d half feared, half hoped, everyone would be in bed already. It was nearing midnight. The low rumble of voices and an unfamiliar smell warned him that the others were still about.

The courtyard was vacant, but light spilled through the doorway from the dining room. The glow flickered and jumped, creating strange shadows on the stone floor. With his hand hovering over the hilt of his flexblade, he crept toward the threshold.

Laughter erupted and Raylon relaxed. His last few steps came faster.

“Why are the people so enamored with Jayne? He is not a pleasant person.” Danvier asked. “Why did they craft the statue?”

“Keep watching,” Indigo told him. “Everything is explained.”

Raylon paused in the doorway, assessing the unexpected scene. Zilor, Indigo, Danvier and Chandar were watching some sort of entertainment file on the room’s interior wall. They each held a bowl filled with strange white pellets. Had preparing the snack resulted in the unfamiliar smell?

“Raylon!” Indigo handed Zilor her nearly empty bowl as she vaulted to her feet and hurried toward him. “Do you want to join us? We can start this episode over. It hasn’t been on that long.”