Dear Coca-Cola (15 page)

Willy Whales are one of the products from our fish range and as the packaging states are "crunchy golden whale shapes made from selected flaked white fish". However, if your son was expecting a turkey product, we can certainly appreciate his concern.

In the circumstances we have pleasure in enclosing our cheque for £10.00 and we feel certain you will receive every satisfaction from our products in the future.

Yours sincerely, for

BERNARD MATTHEWS FOODS LTD.

ANNE PETERS

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

15th May

Your ref BM9710099-1

Anne Peters

Bernard Matthews Foods Ltd

Norwich

Dear Anne Peters

Thank you for your letter of 7th May, and the cheque for £10.00. At first I was going to return it, as I don't normally accept charity. However on this occasion I decided to keep it as compensation for a bad experience I had the only time I ever tried one of your Lamb Roasts.

Turning to the matter of your Willy Whales it would seem that I owe you an apology. My wife has since bought another packet and you are quite right, the packet does state that they are 'crunchy golden whale shapes'. I must say I feel you are being a bit ambitious in likening them to a whale though, because if Willy Whales are indeed whale-shaped then the whale in question belongs to a species of whale that I certainly have never come across. In fact to my eyes your Willy Whales are just as likely to be taken for willies as they are for whales.

It is quite amazing how one's opinion can change once in possession of all the facts, isn't it. Before I received your letter I thought that Willy Whales were turkey pieces that tasted a bit like fish. Now I know they are made of fish however my perception of them is completely different, because I can categorically say that they are fish pieces that taste a bit like turkey. Do you think this could be because you deep-fry them in the same fat in which you fry your turkey products?

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

NO REPLY!

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

25th April

Bisto Foods

Middlewich

Cheshire

Dear Bisto Foods

Last week my wife inadvertently put a pair of my middle son Henry's trousers into a bucket of water to soak, prior to washing them. It later transpired that there was a packet of your Bisto Gravy Granules in one of the pockets. Unfortunately there were also six pairs of my white underpants in the bucket, and, after being soaked overnight, they became brown underpants. (Why on earth my wife finds it necessary to soak my underpants prior to washing them is a mystery that only she knows the answer to). However, after being put through the washer my underpants more or less reverted back to white, but had taken on a distinct smell of gravy. Now I quite like the smell of gravy, but not on my underpants, and yesterday on my walk from the railway station a dog followed me all the way home.

The thing is, I'm sure that your workers clothes must become permeated with the smell of Bisto Gravy Granules and take on the similar 'Bisto Gravy' smell of my underpants, so I was wondering if you could ask them how they get rid of the smell, and let me know?

I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

****

BISTO FOODS

21st May

Mr T Ravenscroft

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

Cheshire

Dear Mr Ravenscroft,

Thank you for your recent letter regarding an enquiry about our product Bisto Gravy Granules. We were most interested in your letter due to the unusual nature of the information you required.

We have enquired with the industrial laundry that launder our protective workwear and they have assured us that normal domestic washing soap or detergents and washing machines will remove any of the food flavours and colours used in our products.

Yours sincerely,

J K HANSON

CONSUMER SERVICES

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

27th May

J K Hanson

Bisto Foods

Middlewich

Cheshire

Dear J K Hanson

Since writing to you on 25th April something quite remarkable has happened. It's rather personal, so I would appreciate it if you would keep it to yourself. The thing is, the day after writing to you my wife and I made love, it being Saturday, after Match of the Day. My wife although very appreciative, has up to now always been a silent lover, but her beauty more than makes up for her lack of vocal enthusiasm. However on this occasion, and but a few seconds into the act, she emitted a quite loud and appreciative 'Aaaaaah.' This of course pleased me immensely. My joy was short-lived however, because almost immediately afterwards she followed the 'Aaaaaah' with a cry of 'Bisto!'

What had apparently happened was that she had caught a whiff of my Bisto-impregnated underpants. Initially I was a little put out to say the least, what with my efforts at love-making coming second in the appreciation stakes to a jar of gravy granules, but we carried on and it turned out to be the most satisfying bout of sex we have had in our entire married life.

Since then I have worn Bisto-flavoured underpants to bed every night, and our sex life has been utterly transformed. Rather than try to remove the smell of Bisto from my underpants I now ensure that they are always given a good soaking in 'Bisto water' prior to being washed. (Despite what you say in your letter about normal domestic washing soap removing the smell, it does tend to linger).

Why the smell of Bisto turns my wife on I neither know nor care. Maybe it is the 'animal' smell of it. I would be interested to know if you have ever come across this sort of thing before, as I am considering using it as the subject of a speech I will soon be giving to the New Mills Young Mothers Group.

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

NO REPLY!

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

26th April

G Costa and Co Ltd

Aylesford

Kent

ME20 7NA

Dear G Costa

My wife is forever making disparaging remarks about my breath and pointedly leaving Clorets round the house, so you can imagine my delight when I read on a can of your Blue Dragon Water Chestnuts that they “are considered 'yin', and cooling, and are thought to sweeten the breath.” Here we go, I said to myself, cool sweet breath, just the thing to quieten her. So the following day I stir-fried the whole of the contents of the can with some diced squid, about half-a-dozen cloves of garlic, four slices of root ginger, and a dessertspoonful of five spice powder, and ate the lot with some Bachelors Aromatic Rice. Then, confident in the knowledge that my breath would pass muster, I walked up to my wife and planted a smacker full on her lips. She kicked me! At a loss as to her behaviour, I asked her why. She told me that I smelled like a drain.

In view of the claim on your can that my breath would be cool and sweet after eating your water chestnuts, would you care to explain this?

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

****

G COSTA

Ref: JD

12th May

Mr T Ravenscroft

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

Cheshire

Dear Mr Ravenscroft,

Re: Blue Dragon Water Chestnuts

Thank you for your letter of 26th April regarding the above product.

We appreciate your comments regarding the breath freshening aspect of this vegetable, however, as with any food if it is mixed with other ingredients, especially those with strong flavour such as garlic, unfortunately the effect is not the same!

We have also scoured our stock to locate a label claiming these freshening qualities.

Thank you for purchasing Blue Dragon.

Yours sincerely, for G COSTA & CO LTD

Joanne Dann

Consumer Relations Department

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

15th May

Your ref JD

Joanne Dann

G Costa and Co Ltd

Aylesford

Kent

Dear Joanne Dann

If you have in fact scoured your stock to locate on the label the claim that your Blue Dragon Water Chestnuts have freshening qualities then all I can say is you need a new scourer.

I attach, for your information, a label which clearly claims such qualities, and I consider that if you make such claims you should be prepared to stand by them. Furthermore, your failing to point out on your label that if your water chestnuts are mixed with other ingredients then their power to sweeten their breath is negated, which resulted in my suffering a badly bruised shin, is nothing less than negligence. Unless you want to risk others meeting the same fate I would seriously consider a major label rethink if I were you.

I had to buy another can of your water chestnuts in order to obtain a label so I expect you to reimburse me with the cost.

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

****

G COSTA

Ref: JD

22nd May

Mr T Ravenscroft

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

Cheshire

Dear Mr Ravenscroft,

Re: Blue Dragon Water Chestnuts

Thank you for your letter of 15th May regarding the above. I appreciate your comments regarding our labelling, and can confirm that the new labels are indeed not quite the same as the one you have supplied to us.

As requested, please find enclosed a postal order for £1.00 in respect of the tin of Water Chestnuts purchased for its label.

Thank you for purchasing Blue Dragon.

Yours sincerely, for G COSTA & CO LTD

Joanne Dann

Consumer Relations Department

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

28th May

Joanne Dann

G Costa and Co Ltd

Aylesford

Kent

Dear Joanne Dann

Thank you for your letter of 22nd May.

I have visited several supermarkets and scoured the labels of your Blue Dragon Water Chestnuts but have found no evidence whatsoever of any change in the wording on them. I have also scoured the envelope of your letter and found no evidence of a £1.00 postal order! Perhaps the inefficient employee who scoured your stock for evidence of your claiming freshening qualities for your water chestnuts was the same person who was responsible for putting the postal order in the envelope?

Would you now be good enough to send me one of your new labels, so that I can check if the new wording is satisfactory, along with a postal order for £1.30 to cover the postal order that you claim to have already sent but haven't, plus the 30 pence it is going to cost me to send this additional letter.

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

****

G COSTA

Ref: JD

11 June

Mr T Ravenscroft

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

Cheshire

Dear Mr Ravenscroft,