Dear Coca-Cola (11 page)

It was my hope of course to complete the course, but sadly this proved to be a little too much for me. However I covered twelve and a half miles before I collapsed, which is almost halfway, and raised £433. In fact I am fairly sure the TV cameras were on me when I lost consciousness. I am
absolutely
sure they were on me when a St John’s Ambulance man revived me at the side of the road because the cameraman asked him to move to one side so he could get a good shot of me. You will be happy to know that even though I was still quite groggy I had the presence of mind to point at the ‘Nescafe Made This Possible’ motto on my singlet.

In view of this would you like to reconsider your decision not to sponsor me?

Yours sincerely

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

****

Nestle

Mr T Ravenscroft

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

001874970 1 May

Dear Mr Ravenscroft

Thank you for your recent letter.

Congratulations on your marvellous effort in the London Marathon and for raising £433.00. We were sorry to learn that you failed to complete the course and hope you are now fully recovered.

Further to our previous letter, in which we said we were unable to sponsor you, there has been no change in the decision that we communicated to you. Sorry if this response is disappointing for you.

Thank you once again for your interest in our products.

Yours sincerely

Gillian Liddell

Consumer Relations Officer

Customer Services.

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

1st May

Hovis Ltd

Claremont House

Yorkley

Glos

Dear Hovis

There are a number of Bovis homes under construction not far from where I live. As I passed by the other day the bricklayers and their labourers were just starting their lunch break. I observed that each and every one of them was eating sandwiches made with Hovis bread. Now I realise of course that Hovis is popular, but ten men all eating it is too much of a coincidence, and I got to wondering if there is any connection between Hovis and Bovis, their names being so similar, and that the workers were maybe getting subsidised bread. Could I be right? Is Bovis indeed a subsidiary of Hovis?

Incidentally, each of the workers was a fine figure of a man and a testament to your bread, with not so much an inch of buttock cleavage between them as far as I could discern.

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

****

KEARS GROUP LTD

12th May,

Mr Ravenscroft

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

Cheshire

Dear Mr Ravenscroft

Thankyou for your letter re Hovis bread and Bovis Homes, we would like to confirm that:

THE TWO ARE NOT CONNECTED

GOOD BREAD'S OUR CLAIM TO FAME

BUILDING HOUSES JUST AREN'T US

BRICKS JUST DON'T TASTE THE SAME

THE REASON PEOPLE EAT IT

BE THEY BUILDERS FIT OR NOT

IS THE TASTE THE TEXTURE AND HEALTHINESS

WITH HOVIS YOU GET THE LOT.

I hope this clears up your questions regarding Hovis Bread, but should you require any further information please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours Sincerely

KEARS GROUP LTD

L. CHILDS (MRS)

QUALITY ASSURANCE DEPARTMENT

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

19th May

L Childs (Mrs)

Kears Group

Lydney

Glos

Dear L Childs (Mrs)

Thank you for your letter of 12th May. What an original and entertaining reply!

Since I wrote to you I have become quite friendly with the workers building the Bovis homes, and have discovered that most of them don't in fact eat Hovis bread, and what I took to be your bread was actually other brands of brown bread, notably Allinsons Stone Ground and Warburtons. It is ironic then that the only one of them who does eat Hovis, Declan his name is, is the least healthy-looking of the lot of them, having a definite hump back and a limp, although this could well be to do with him carrying a hod all day.

Although Hovis may be trailing a little behind the others in its health-giving properties I can report that it could very well make people poetic, because after I showed Declan your letter he immediately offered the following ditty.

EAT BROWN BREAD

SHIT LIKE LEAD

NO BLOODY WONDER

FART LIKE THUNDER

EAT BROWN BREAD

I like to think of myself as a bit of a poet, but I am nowhere near as adept at the art as your good self and Declan, so with this in mind I am seriously considering changing to Hovis in the hope that it will improve my poems. I'll let you know if it does.

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

26th March

Van den Bergh Foods Ltd

Brooke House

Crawley

West Sussex

Dear Van den Bergh Foods

I have just tried a packet of your 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!' After sampling it I very soon came to the conclusion that whoever thought up the name for your product may have been guilty of setting his sights a little too high. I suggest that a more appropriate and believable name might have been 'I Can't Believe It's Not Vegetable Oils, Buttermilk, Water, Salt, Milk Proteins, Lactic Acid, Emulsifier, Nono and Di Gycerides, Lecithin, Preservative, Sorbic Acid, Vitamins A, D and E, Flavouring, Colour and Natural Carotene,' which is what it actually is, or at least that’s what it claims on the wrapper. Perhaps 'I Can't Believe It's Not Axle Grease,' which is what it actually tastes like.?

Who are these people who 'Can't Believe It's Not Butter'? A special race of people who have their taste buds removed at puberty?

It is my intention to report your spurious claim to the authorities unless you can give me one good reason why I shouldn't.

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

****

Van den Bergh Foods

Telephone: 01293 648000 Facsimile: 01293 Direct line: 01293 648

REF 0059336A

April 15,

Mr T Ravenscroft

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

Dear Mr Ravenscroft

Thank you for your recent letter from which we were most concerned to learn that you were disappointed with your purchase of a tub of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!

Before any products are launched by us on a national scale, they are first test marketed in one or two areas for a long period of time. In this way we are able to collect all kinds of consumer reaction to the product, the type and design of packaging and, of course, texture and taste but we do appreciate that taste is a matter of personal preference.

In view of the above, we are sorry that you have been disappointed. We would, however, like to thank you for the interest you have shown in our product.

Yours sincerely

Jayne Pratt

Customer Services Manager

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

18th April

Your ref 0059336A

Jayne Pratt

Van den Bergh Foods Ltd

Crawley

West Sussex

Dear Jayne Pratt

Thank you for your letter of 15th April.

You are right, taste is indeed a personal preference. It was therefore with some surprise that I noted your company motto on your letter heading reads 'In touch with people's tastes.' By your own admission - 'that taste is a personal preference' - this is a false statement. To be truthful and meaningful your motto should be 'In touch with some people's taste', or, even more truthfully, 'In touch with the taste of people who haven't got any taste.' I also couldn't help noticing that you have a Royal Warrant to supply Her Majesty The Queen with Low Fat Spreads and Margarine. No wonder she always looks miserable.

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

14th April

John West Foods Ltd

Bixteth Street

Liverpool

Dear John West

I am suffering from a personal medical condition of which I will spare you the details. However my doctor says it might help if I cut down on my salt intake. Unfortunately I just love anchovies, and especially John West Anchovies in Olive Oil, which are, of course, extremely salty. I really wouldn't like to forego my daily tin of anchovies if it can be avoided, and with this in mind I was wondering if you do a low salt or salt free version?

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

****

JOHN WEST

KW/DLF

21st April

Mr T Ravenscroft

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

Cheshire

Dear Mr Ravenscroft

Thank you for your letter of 14th April.

I regret that we do not do a low salt or salt free anchovy. It is important to have the right salt levels to preserve the product and a free salt version would have to be a fully retorted product becoming a product like Brisling or Sardines.

I am sorry therefore we cannot help at this time.

Yours sincerely

KEITH WILSON

MARKET MANAGER

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

24th April

Keith Wilson

John West Foods Ltd

Liverpool

Dear Keith Wilson

Thank you for your letter of 21sth April.

It seems that in order to enlist your help I will have to come clean about my personal medical condition. Your being a man is a big help, God knows what I would have done had you been a woman. The thing is I am having trouble 'performing', if you know what I mean. Now I like sex as much as I like anchovies, so you can imagine my dilemma. With this in mind, perhaps you can see your way to helping me?

It looks like I will have to obtain some 'fully retorted' anchovies, whatever that means. If I could get hold of some anchovies would I be able to fully retort them myself?

I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

****

JOHN WEST

KW/DLF

29th April

Mr T Ravenscroft

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

Cheshire

Dear Mr Ravenscroft

Thank you for your further letter of 24th April. I am sorry to learn of your problem but do not feel we can be of any further assistance. The raw material is caught and processed in Spain, Portugal, Italy, Morocco and South America and therefore we do not receive raw material here in the UK.