Deadly Expectations (3 page)

The two hours or so north to
Campbell River
were uneventful.
 
The rear end of our staggered procession was about what I expected and we’d almost split into two groups.
 
Kenny and his friends up ahead then a big space in front of the men from
Victoria
dawdling along with me behind them.
 
Although I appreciated the number on the speed limit signs we passed I would have forgiven them for pushing it just a little.

The drone of my engine helped me think.
 
Nothing guiding my destiny but the movement of my body over the shapely racing bike beneath me.
 
It was simple and taking up the rear I didn’t risk running anyone off the road as my mind wandered.

I remembered the last time I’d ridden with Kenny’s group.
 
I hadn’t made it back with them instead returning hours later alone and exhausted.
 
In a heap of trouble from my father on the front porch waiting up for me at four am.
 
Glad I wasn’t drunk in the back of a police car again and just as mad as if I had been.

I was just a few months past my sixteenth birthday.
 
Old enough that at eighteen Kenny didn’t see me as a kid anymore and only a few days earlier he’d decided to show me exactly how far from child hood he thought I was.
 
In his excitement he’d humiliated himself.
 
He begged me not to tell anyone then he called me the afternoon of our last ride together to make sure we were cool about what happened.

He came by my house to pick me up and I followed him to the same gas station tonight’s ride started at.
 
It was only the second time I’d ridden solo with them and the previous time he’d put me right behind him.
 
Proud of his little prodigy.
 
Before he’d always taken me double and treated me like his kid sister.
 
That night was different.

No sooner had we arrived than he’d unzipped my jacket and picked me up by the backs of my thighs, my legs spread around him and heaved me up onto the back seat of his bike.
 
He put his hands inside my jacket grabbing my hips and started pushing himself into me rocking it on the kickstand.

“Kenny!” I’d squealed as my cheeks burned.

“That’s what she said a few days ago,” Kenny said to his friends as he pushed his mouth onto mine.

“‘I liked it so much better when I could ride you at the same time,’ she said.
 
She begged me to bring my bike in the garage … we closed the door.
 
You should have heard her as she showed me how much she liked to ride like this.”

I tried to push myself away but I was perched on my butt and had nowhere to go other than backwards onto my head.

“Come on Anna,” he said.
 
“Tell them how you want to ride everything you can so you can be sure you have the best.
 
I’ll set you guys up with her … she needs a lot of attention.”

I felt hot tears on my cheeks.
 
Other than the barely dirty girl talk I’d overheard between my sister Alina and her friends my only experience with boys was the few minutes of sloppy kissing Kenny laid on me before he’d climaxed in his underwear beside me on his parents’ sofa a few days before.
 
As he continued to shove me around I tried to push his face away and left three painful red welts down his cheek and neck before my nails found his shirt and I stopped taking up skin.

He pulled me off his bike and I got my feet underneath me just in time.

“If you want to ride me like that again you’re going to have to work your way up to the front one guy at a time you dirty slut.
 
When you’ve been through them all come to me and say ‘please.’”

I nodded dumbly not understanding what happened.
 
The laughter behind me burned through my skin and destroyed the shaky self esteem I’d recovered since losing my mother two years before.
 
Roger and his brother were arguing about who would stand lookout while the other satisfied me in the shrubs behind the gas station.

Kenny slapped my butt and laughed as I put my helmet on.
 
I stood still until he walked away then I started my motorcycle and took my place at the end of the line.

On the highway I fell back and screamed into my helmet letting disgrace claim me.
 
I screamed until the pain in my throat equalled the pain I felt inside and I wanted nothing more than to tear my flesh off until there was nothing left but impenetrable bone.
 
I knew I couldn’t face them at the next gas station.
 
Tension built in my spine as humiliation tuned to anger.

Suddenly I felt myself swerve over on the shoulder, panicking as I pushed the big nine hundred back into position.
 
It was over so quick I wasn’t so sure it had even happened until the adrenaline swept through my limbs upsetting me even more.
 
Then again across the centre line just after a logging truck passed going the other way.
 
My wish that I’d lost control just a few seconds sooner scared me.
 
I wanted to get drunk.
 
Drink hard and forget what happened.
 
A strange absence of headwind sucked me down on the tank and tension filled my body right up into my helmet.

Recklessness took over as I thought about getting as far away from them as I could.
 
I pulled into the oncoming lane, intentionally this time, and closed my eyes as I hammered the throttle down.

Then there was quiet.
 
Just the idling of my bike as my eyes focused on the sun.
 
No lower than it had been when I tried to pass Kenny’s pack with my eyes closed.
 
I shut the engine down as I looked around.

Port Hardy was six hours away from the last place I remembered and the odometer said I’d ridden every single kilometre to get there.
 
Not a minute appeared to have passed but the muscles in my back and shoulders disagreed.
 
They were describing each and every one to me.
 
I filled up and hit every all night gas station I could for a top up for fear of running dry at the side of the road.
 
I had no idea what had happened, but in the years since I’d experimented and found that I could take those magic short cuts on purpose.
 
And frequently did.

This night I wouldn’t.
 
I needed time to think and get my head on straight.
 
A day spent sleeping off the fatigue that followed a jump as I’d come to call them wouldn’t give me any time to think at all.

After I filled my bike I got the key from the attendant and went around to the restroom.
 
When I got out Kenny was waiting so I pushed the key at him on my way past.
 
He took my hand, stopping me.

“Wait …,”

Even though I didn’t like him holding on I paused and held my tongue instead of ripping into him again.

“Why are you here?” he asked me.

I thought of pointing to the restroom door.

“Where?”
 
I asked.

“Riding … with us … tonight.
 
You haven’t come out in years.”

I shrugged.
 
“Not sure really.”

Kenny loosened his grip on my hand and slowly worked his fingers around into my palm.

“Something’s different about you.
 
Has there been someone?”

I didn’t answer, I watched his face instead.
 
It never bothered Kenny that I was a little taller.
 
The thought of me with someone else however, did.

“Yeah,” he answered for me.
 
“Did he hurt you or something?”

“No Kenny,” I said.

“Hm.”

“Hey Kenny, saddle up.”
 
Roger leaned around the corner.
 
“She not gonna shake it off for
ya
?”

“Piss off Roger,” Kenny said, not taking his eyes off me then I watched Roger watch us for a few more seconds and leave.

“Look Anna … we can keep being assholes,” he said.
 
“Remember when we were kids?
 
We were good at looking out for each other.
 
You kept me out of trouble and I did the same for you.
 
We didn’t keep score.
 
I know that fell apart … I’ve stopped keeping score about that too.”

Kenny looked away briefly.
 
When he looked back there was sadness in his eyes.

“I know I’ve let myself go … losing the wife and
kids was
hard.
 
But I …,”

He took a deep breath and tried again.

“I …,” he gave up.

“Think about it,” he finished before he squeezed my hand and walked away.

I gave him a minute to get around the corner before I followed.
 
Kenny stood with his buddies, back to me.
 
The reflective pin-striping on his jacket caught light from somewhere and lit up.
 
Roger opened his mouth to speak, stopping when Kenny slapped his shoulder.
 
I gave Roger the finger and took the key in.

The return trip wasn’t going to be like riding north.
 
If I decided to bail on them I’d have to be obvious about it, passing everyone.
 
Kenny led us out and after a few blocks we all got bunched up at a red light.
 
When it turned green the first of the
Victoria
three stalled his ride and couldn’t get it back in gear until we’d missed it.
 
We inched up to the red and waited for him to get it going after another stall.
 
I swore quietly in my helmet and thought about zipping around.

Kenny and the rest were out of sight by the time we got going.
 
If any of them even noticed.
 
The three in front of me didn’t seem in any hurry to find the tail lights we had lost.
 
I muttered something nasty and distracted myself thinking about Kenny’s strange offer.

He’d be twenty-seven this year: marriage, two kids and a divorce that wrapped up a few years before.
 
Now that he’d figured out it wasn’t reasonable for me to be saving myself for him at twenty-four I was interesting again.
 
Try as I might I couldn’t find any reason for him to be interesting to me.
 
In spite of my complete inexperience our first night together Paul and I figured out quickly how to rattle each others eyeballs loose.
 
Sorry Kenny … baby’s father has dibs.

As I finished that thought the rider ahead suddenly rolled off the throttle and swung into my path.
 
I did the same, moving over to the centre line to avoid rear ending him.
 
My horn whined a warning as he got back in position.
 
Maybe he was fatigued; they’d been on the road an hour and a half longer because their ride started in
Victoria
.
 
I reminded myself that I measured the length of a ride in days, not hours like these guys would.
 
I gave him a little more room as we continued our limp south.

Now that Paul had moved on with someone else he wouldn’t want me.
 
I needed to tell him about the baby and give him some time to decide where he wanted to fit.
 
I didn’t expect him to dump her and marry me and set up house.
 
I’d tell him that.
 
I also didn’t want him to hold back because Kenny was hanging around.
 
Not that I would want Kenny even if I wasn’t knocked up.

Next it was the rider two ahead, the other one in the shoulder side of the lane who dropped back sliding past the one who tried to hit me the first time.
 
I swerved to the centre line just in time.
 
He matched my speed and pushed in dangerously close to me.
 
I had to choose between the car in the oncoming lane and braking.
 
I put on the brakes.