Dangerous (19 page)

Amy

I stopped at the door cautiously, like I always did now. Ben may have been dead—and I hadn’t just taken Ryan’s word for it, it had been all over the morning papers. It seemed I wasn’t the only who hadn’t known of his true identity—no one in the city seemed to have known of Jimmy Rosen’s secret son. No one that wasn’t involved in the criminal underworld at least. Well, the secret was out there now.

I wasn’t expecting anyone—Julia would be in work, and she’d long since come to her senses and broken it off with Tony. I certainly wasn’t expecting to see Ryan. I hadn’t heard from him since I’d stormed out of his apartment two days before. Even though I craved his touch, I was beginning to think that maybe it was for the best. I’d been an unwitting gangster’s moll—I wasn’t going to begin a new chapter as the hitman’s… whatever. I didn’t know the terminology and I didn’t want to.

I’d deflated like a balloon that day when he’d ridiculed his brother’s suggestion that maybe he should consider going straight. If he’d been willing to leave his past behind; I don’t know, maybe I was being naïve, but I thought that was something we’d be able to work through. Dating a hitman; never knowing if that was blood or pasta sauce on his shirt? No. That wasn’t for me.

I looked through the peephole, but whoever it was had blocked it. My heart started to race. Sure, Ben was dead, but according to the papers he’d been one of the city’s most prominent gangland leaders. Didn’t that mean there was a whole cadre of people willing to seek vengeance on his behalf?

“Who is it?” I called.

There was no answer.

I flattened myself against the wall, heart hammering against my ribs. “I’m not opening the door until you tell me who it is.”

I heard a frustrated sigh from the other side. “It’s Jason. Ryan’s brother. I need to talk to you. Please.”

I leaned my head back against the wall. At the mention of Ryan’s name, my heart had started fluttering even harder. But it wasn’t that simple. It was nothing against Jason—I’d thought him stern and serious at first, but I’d soon realized it was concern for Ryan that made him seem that way. Underneath that, he was actually a pretty funny guy. Which made it even harder to be rude to him—but I needed to protect my heart.

“I’m sorry. I can’t do this. You of all people should understand.”

He sighed again. “I understand that, Amy. But please. If you let me come in I’ll explain everything.”

I thought about it. It would have been good to see him—I’d spent the morning unpacking and trying to get my internet connection hooked up. I could have used the distraction.

“No. I can’t. Just leave me. Please.”

“You sure? There’s no way I can persuade you?”

“No.”

I expected him to leave then. I thought he might have already done so—hearing his voice again made me start.

“I’m sorry Amy.”

I shook my head, smiling sadly. “For what? For helping him out? For helping me? Don’t be.”

“Naw.” It was a gruff sound, remarkably similar to something Ryan would have said. “I’m sorry about the door. I’ll have some guys come over until I can get a replacement here.”

“What? I don’t—” I started to say.

“Get back.”

I stepped back along the short hallway and watched in astonishment as the door splintered away from the lock and swung open. I was still gaping in disbelief when Jason stepped through the splintered wood and stood looking at me.

“I couldn’t explain from out there.”

“I thought you were the good brother; the sensible one.”

He shook his head, a wry smile playing at his lips. “Just in comparison to Ryan.”

“What do you want?” I asked, resigning myself to a difficult conversation I’d hoped to avoid.

“You haven’t answered his calls,” Jason said, pulling out his cell phone and tapping at the screen.

I shrugged and shuffled to the kitchen, intrigued at what he was doing there. It was true—Ryan had tried to call me a number of times. And I’d had to force myself not to answer. But it was worth it in the end, I knew. Life with him could only lead to heartbreak.

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude, but I thought it was for the best.”

“Rude? It’s been eating the guy up inside,” he said, following me into my tiny new kitchen.

I shrugged. “I can’t do it, Jason. I can’t be with someone who does what he does.”

He nodded and I thought I caught the hint of a smile on his lips. I didn’t pay much attention to it. I was more concerned about thinking of ways to keep my heart from getting broken.

“He’s…” He paused and eased himself onto one of my breakfast stools. “He’s…”

I closed my eyes. Was he really going to draw it out this much? Really? He of all people had to know what it felt like to love this guy yet be repulsed by what he did.

“I know he’s a good guy deep down,” I said wearily. “But that doesn’t excuse—”

“I was gonna say he’s out of the game,” Jason interrupted. “He doesn’t know I’m here. He believes you’re disgusted by him and what he does. But I wanted you to know that.”

My heart leaped and I fought hard to try and stop it. It was no use. My body was reacting to his words even if I’d managed to maintain what was probably a pretty unconvincing poker face.

“Really?”

He nodded. “He swore to me he was out. And.” He paused and ran his hand through his hair in an unconscious gesture that was a mirror of something Ryan might do. “And I have you to thank for that.” He smiled for the first time—really smiled—and I saw in his eyes the agony he must have gone through over his brother.

I grabbed two cups from the rack and busied myself with the coffee maker. “And that’s good enough for you? You can look past…”

He nodded. “He’s my brother. I love him. I always have.”

“I just…” I stopped. I didn’t know what I was going to say. There was nothing there. It was just a verbal reaction.

I held out a cup to him, but he shook his head. “I’ll leave you alone. I wanted to make sure you knew. People change, you know.”

I nodded. I knew that. And I knew he wasn’t a monster. I watched as Jason left the room. He was a cop—he’d seen terrible things every day. And he was prepared to give Ryan another chance.

I wanted so hard to be able to do the same. He’d saved my goddamn life—I literally wouldn’t be standing there in my small but light-filled new apartment if he hadn’t put his own life at risk for me. But I just…

I couldn’t.

I cradled my steaming mug in my hands and leaned against the counter, staring at the long window opposite.

People talked. People talked all the time. They said all sorts of shit they didn’t mean. Just because he said he wasn’t going to do it anymore, what did that mean? He could go back to it within months or weeks. Worse, he could carry on a false life and make me believe he was working a legit job while he was secretly carrying on as normal with his old life.

I sighed. I knew I shouldn’t paint him with the same brush as Ben. But I couldn’t help it. It reminded me of that old saying—fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…

I’d never felt like a fool. But now I doubted myself. God I craved him. His smell, his touch, his essence. The safety of his arms and the heights of his passion. But what if it was all a mirage?

Amy

I’m the kinda girl who tortures herself by peeling off a band aid even when I know it’ll hurt less if I just rip it off.

This was no different.

I should have cut ties; I should have moved as far away as I could and made a fresh start.

But no.

Instead, I found myself wandering down his street with a box of cupcakes in my hand. I lied to myself; told myself I was just checking up on him to see how his injuries were. I’d practically deluded myself into thinking I was some kind of latter day Florence Nightingale. How fucked up was my taste in guys? I mean, really?

But the truth was I missed him. I needed him. I couldn’t stop craving him. That whole days after Jason had left my apartment, I’d thought about it until my head hurt. Every sensible bone in my body told me I was doing the right thing by staying away, but my heart refused to buy it.

How could it be wrong if it feels right when we’re together
, it said.
Jason said he’s changed
, it said.

I hadn’t had much sleep that night. Or the night after. And there I was, with bags under my eyes and a few extra pounds on my butt. I buzzed his door, praying he wasn’t home so I could scuttle back home and curl up on the couch with a bag of Cheetos.

But I didn’t want that, not really.

I stood outside the door for a while, but after several minutes it became clear that no one was going to enter or exit the building. Just my luck. I leaned forward and pressed the buzzer for his apartment, jerking back as if I’d just gotten a shock. My heart skipped a beat when I heard his deep voice over the crackly intercom.

“It’s me,” I whispered over the deafening roar of my pulse.

The door buzzed. I pushed it open and paused. I had no idea what I was going to say or do. It was like my legs had taken me there of their own accord.

He was waiting in the door, the frame barely large enough to hold his bulk. Even injured, he looked strong and fierce. But he didn’t intimidate me, I realized; not in the slightest. It was the look in his eyes, I knew. They were soft. Open to me.

“I wasn’t sure if I’d see you again,” he said, stepping aside and making way for me.

I frowned back at him. “You wouldn’t have turned up at my door and broken it down, insisting I speak to you?”

He looked blank, like he really didn’t know anything about my conversation with Jason. “I can’t force you to be with me, Amy.” He took a step closer. “And even if I could, I wouldn’t want you that way.”

My stomach somersaulted. I told myself to be strong, but that was difficult seeing as I had no idea what I was doing there. Well, I did. But really
really
wanting his hot-ass body didn’t count as a legitimate answer in my book.

“Look, Ryan,” I said, sitting down on the couch. “You know how much I want you.”

He nodded thoughtfully. “I’m not blind, no.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Arrogant much?”

He shrugged. “No. But you haven’t heard yourself after a half hour with my tongue and fingers.”

I felt my cheeks begin to burn. He looked smug. I bet he knew exactly the kind of effect he’d just set off in my panties.

“Ryan,” I said, uncrossing my arms. “I want you so much it kills me. But I can’t live with what you do.”

He knelt in front of me. “That’s what I’ve been trying to speak to you about. What I said the other day, about leaving it all to volunteer for animals—”

I arched my eyebrow. “You’re shitting me.”

He smirked. “Of course. What I mean is, that was a snap reaction. If either of you thought everything that had happened was going to cause a complete change in my personality, well then…”

My face fell. I’d expected him to say something along the lines of what Jason told me, not the complete opposite.

“Wait,” he said, looking panicked. “I don’t mean I’m going to keep doing it.”

I shook my head, confused. “But you said…”

His blue eyes widened. “I know what I said. But I want you to know that he’s not the reason. The Soldi—Ben. Nearly getting killed isn’t the reason—even though it’s a pretty good one.”

I leaned forward, unable to keep from holding my breath. “What is it? Why would you give it up if it wasn’t after nearly dying?”

He smiled sadly. “For you. For us.”

I scrunched my face up—it was the only way I could keep tears from flowing out of my eyes and down my cheeks. Was it possible for your heart to soar and shatter at the same time?

I reached up and wiped my eyes.

“Amy? I’m not expecting a miracle. I understand if it’s too little too late.”

I shook my head, eyes still screwed shut. “It’s not that,” I said, my voice high and tense and about to crack at any moment. “It’s… it’s… words are easy. You know?”

He was silent. I thought he was thinking about what I was saying, but when I opened my eyes and prepared for him to recoil from my tear-stained face, he was gone. I looked around confused.

“Ryan?” I sniffed.

I heard a rustling sound in the bedroom and stood up to investigate. When I reached the door, I stood there, astonished. He glanced up at me, a strange look on his face. He was standing on tiptoes in front of the closet, reaching up into the top shelf. On the bed behind him sat a range of pistols and ammunition, as well as several sheathed knives.

“What are you doing?” I asked faintly.

He scrunched up his face, obviously grasping for something he’d put well out of reach. When he pulled his hand out, I stared at it in disbelief. It looked like a violin case, only larger.

“What’s that?”

He shook his head. “You don’t want to know.”

I turned away and then turned back. That was the thing—I had no idea what I was doing. Nothing in my life had exactly prepared me for this.

“What is this? Deadly show-and-tell?”

His face lit up. “God, I love it when you mock me. Really. No, Amy,” he said, his voice growing softer. “You said words were easy.”

“Yeah…” I didn’t really get where he was going with this. Especially not when he reached for the hem of his close-fitting white t-shirt and pulled it off over his head. When he started to unbuckle his belt I stopped thinking about it—it was difficult to do anything other than enjoy the view.

He threw his clothes on top of the pile of weapons. I followed them with my gaze.

“There.”

I turned back to him with a frown, wondering if he’d gone crazy.

He smiled and stepped forward. He’d taken three bullets in the chest and side; his chest was scarred and still bandaged in places. But he was still beautiful. Strong and tough and hard and… God, just looking at him was sending ripples of desire and longing through my body. Could I really contemplate a life without him?

“Amy,” he said, stopping a couple feet away from me.

I looked up into his piercing blue eyes. “Yeah?” I whispered.

He swallowed. “Amy. I haven’t felt this way about anyone. Ever. You’ve given me hope when I thought all I deserved was a life without love or another person to share it with.” He closed his eyes. “Please give me another chance. I’ll give it up. You think this life means more to me than you? No. It doesn’t. It was a good career choice for my lonely, bitter heart. But I’m not that way anymore. I can’t do it. Not now I’ve got something to lose.”

I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. It was beautiful; raw. “Ryan,” I sobbed. “That’s…I…”

He stepped forward and kissed my lips gently, the slightest glancing touch. “I’ll understand completely if you walk away. That’s why I haven’t been knocking down your door.”

“You should tell that to your brother,” I said wryly.

He frowned. “What?”

I shook my head. “Nothing.”

“Okay,” he said warily. “Look Amy, I just want you to know. I’m not doing it again. I’ll become an insurance salesman or a security guard. Anything.”

I smirked. “Insurance sales. I can’t believe you told people you did that.”

He shrugged, watching me closely. “Do you think…”

I closed the distance between up and stood on tiptoes to kiss him. This time he kissed me back roughly, sending shivers all the way through my body.

He broke away. “Will you still love me if I’m working at Walmart?” he murmured.

I laughed. “Who said I love you now?”

He shrugged, a cute smile playing at his lips. “I love you.”

My heart leaped. I leaned my head against his collarbone, reveling in his smell. “I’d love you if you were a pest control guy. Or an accountant. Even a parking warden.”

And I knew then that I meant it. Past? It was important to learn from it, but equally important not to live by it.

He smiled and kissed my forehead. “Luckily you won’t need to.”

I glanced up at him. “Why? What have you got lined up?”

“I’ve got a contact at a security firm? They’re looking for someone to train aid workers in self-defense.”

I cuddled up to him. “You’re pretty good at that.”

He grabbed my butt and pulled me to him. “Oh, just pretty good? If I remember rightly I saved your life.”

I nodded, laughing, wrapping my legs around him as he lifted me up. I bent to kiss him and he covered my mouth with his fingers.

“And there is the small matter of my fee.”

“Your fee?”

“For my last job,” he said softly, watching my reaction closely.

Of course. His last hit. Me. I shook my head, not sure what I should think.

“Now, I’ve donated most of it to the USO. But I thought it’d be appropriate that you at least get to enjoy some of it.”

I shook my head, not sure how I felt about that. On one hand, the idea of spending Ben’s money made me feel queasy. On the other, it seemed like the perfect revenge—enjoying it as he rotted in hell where he belonged.

“There’s no way I can persuade you to quit that new job?”

I shook my head immediately. I’d only started there a couple days before. It wasn’t that I was in love with it or that the pay was amazing, but I needed it. No more gilded cages. “No. I need to pay my own way. To earn my own money.”

He frowned.

“What’s wrong?”

“Oh, nothing. I just really wanted to take you to Tahiti.”

I raised my eyebrow. A trip to Tahiti wasn’t exactly the same as moving into an apartment I’d never have been able to afford on my own, now, was it? Plus the thought of spending all that time alone, just the two of us on a white-sand beach drinking cocktails from coconut shells.

“Or,” he whispered, kissing a line from my neck down to the top of my breasts.

“There’s no or,” I said quickly. “You can’t put Tahiti on the table and take it away.”

He laughed—I felt it rather than heard it; the delicious vibrations shuddering through my body to my core.

“No one’s taking Tahiti from you, darling. No one.”

“Good.” I squeezed my arms even tighter around him.

“I just thought it might make a more appropriate honeymoon destination.”

I pushed away from him, my eyes wide with surprise. “What are you talking about?” I gasped.

He smiled. “I don’t mean now. It’s just… It’s something to think about. I love you, Amy. And some day I’m going to drag your hot ass up the aisle and make you my wife.”

I stared into his shining eyes, not believing the transformation my life had undertaken in the last couple months. Who knew that losing my job and almost being killed—twice—could have had a silver lining? I’m guessing I was in the minority there.