Dangerous (15 page)

“For how long?”

I shrugged. “It could have been fifteen minutes; could have been two hours. I have no idea. It felt like forever. And I kept on thinking, one cough, one sigh and I was fucked.”

“What were they doing?”

“They were there in the hallway. Shuffling around. Talking. I started to worry that they weren’t going to leave, that they’d wait there for me until eventually they realized I’d been there all along and come looking for me. But then they left.”

“I waited fifteen minutes. Then I left the room, careful not to so much as touch against the door. The weird thing was, I was preparing to step over a body, or blood; something. But there was nothing. The carpet looked as pristine as ever. How the hell did they do that? It made me shiver to think. They must’ve had a lot of practice.”

“I half expected them to be outside in the corridor, waiting for me... Walking between the bedroom and lounge was the most terrifying walk of my life. I kept expecting them to jump out at me from one of the other rooms. But they didn’t. I opened the front door and just walked out. Just like that.

Julia frowned. “But you were attacked in the apartment?”

I nodded. A chill shot from my chest to my navel. “Yeah. Well. I called the elevator frantically. I watched the numbers on the display. I was getting my hopes up. I thought I’d done it. If I could just get outside to safety, then I’d call the cops. But then the doors opened.”

“Oh my god.”

I looked away. “Yeah. It was him. Alone this time.”

She took my hands.

“I was dazed. In shock. I just… I don’t know why, but I felt relieved that it was just Ben and not the other guy. I mean, I didn’t want him near me, but I thought at least he wouldn’t hurt me, right?”

Julia nodded, signaling for me to continue.

But I couldn’t.

Not this part.

“Amy?”

I shook my head. Part of me didn’t want to believe it. I wanted to think it wasn’t a memory, it was something I’d made up. “I didn’t try to fight back, Jules. I just let him lead me back to the apartment.” I buried my face in my hands. I’d never seen myself as a weak person. But now? I didn’t know what to believe.

She sighed. “What were you supposed to do? He was bigger. Stronger, honey.”

“No. I should have fought,” I shook my head vehemently, tears smearing across my face. “I let him lead me back into the apartment and close the door behind us.”

Ryan

I ran up the emergency stairway two at a time, praying I’d find her in the apartment. Praying her back was turned when I walked in and did what I had to do. I couldn’t stand the idea of looking in her green eyes and witnessing the fear and disgust in them when she saw what I really was. With luck, she’d never have to see the truth.

Oh, I knew.

I was an asshole.

Worse than that.

But what choice did I have?

Sure I spent almost every waking moment thinking of her, and a lot of dreaming moments too, but that didn’t matter. Business was business.

Except…

I came to a stop halfway up the second flight and leaned against the wall.

Can I really do this? Really?

I shook my head, trying to imagine my life without her in it. I’d only known her for a little over a month. But that didn’t matter. I literally couldn’t imagine what it’d be like without her. I was hooked. Hooked on the sound of her voice calling to me from the bedroom when I came home late at night. Hooked on the smell of her cooking in my tiny kitchen. Her smell. The little sounds she made while she slept.

No, of course I couldn’t do it—but I didn’t have a choice. It was either she died or we both did. And it was better that I do it quickly and painlessly, rather than subject her to whatever sadist the Soldier found to carry out the job after he’d dumped my lifeless body in the river.

Talk about an impossible choice.

I walked the rest of the way; every step closer I got to the apartment made my heart feel heavier and heavier until I felt like it was going to explode right there in a grim staircase in a nondescript apartment building.

But it didn’t.

I reached my apartment without passing another soul in the building. My mind turned to practicalities, because it sure as shit couldn’t deal with emotions anymore. The lease was in my name, so I’d need to get her out of there somehow. I was used to turning up to anonymous buildings, pulling the trigger and then leaving the scene. If the client wanted a cover-up job done, then it was their responsibility to call in the cleaners.

This was different. I wasn’t going to have someone else manhandle her body. I shook my head. It was a new problem for me—how to give her the burial she deserved without implicating myself.

I twisted my key in the lock, telling myself I’d figure it out later. Maybe I’d hire a van and take her upstate to one of the lakes. It was peaceful there. Beautiful. Like her. The contents of my stomach seemed to turn and bubble up in my throat. I paused and swallowed, telling myself I had no choice. Did I want to see her maimed when I was already dead and unable to protect her? I certainly didn’t. This was the best way for both of us, I knew, even if my body was reacting like I’d just swallowed poison.

I closed my eyes as I pushed the door open, praying that she was looking away. Sure it was cowardly, but I didn’t want to see the betrayal in her eyes. I knew it would haunt me for the rest of my life.

I stepped inside and closed the door behind me gently, so that if she was in the bedroom she wouldn’t hear. I stepped inside. The apartment was quiet, like it hadn’t been lived in for a long time. But that was stupid, I knew. We’d woken up there that morning and had breakfast together. It all seemed so easy then—delay and delay until maybe the Soldier let it go. It hadn’t seemed like such a large threat. What had happened to change his mind?

I knew there was one thing I could do to find out, but I brushed that idea from my mind immediately. I wasn’t calling him—no way. Not even if my life depended on it. But hers? I shook my head. No. He wouldn’t help me anyway.

Before I could stop myself, I walked the short distance to the bedroom, touching my holster as I put my hand on the door handle. The door squeaked open and I held my breath. It was empty; the bed neatly made like it always was now that she was sleeping there.

I checked the bathroom quickly and then sat on the bed, feeling restless. I didn’t know whether I felt relieved or dismayed that the moment had been delayed. In a way, I just wanted to get it over with. I couldn’t dismiss the possibility that the Soldier had deployed someone else after her, especially not when I’d witnessed the skepticism in his eyes at our meeting earlier. Did he know I was having doubts? Could he suspect my relationship with her? I shouldn’t have asked him why the job was suddenly urgent, but I hadn’t been able to stop myself.

I was clutched by fear. Everything was different now. Before when there had been no urgency, I could have dismissed my relationship with her as me building up a way to get to know my mark’s habits. Sure, it was sadistic and it wasn’t the way I operated. But the Soldier didn’t know that. In fact, he had a reputation for sadism himself so I could have bet he’d have applauded such tactics.

Now, though. If they had been watching, they’d know exactly how much time we spent together. And it would seem incredibly suspicious if I claimed not to know where she was. They’d know—rightly—that she told me exactly where she was going at all times. I couldn’t lie to them and say I hadn’t been able to find her. They’d know immediately.

I shook my head and lay back against the mattress. The possibilities were endless. Maybe they didn’t know about us. Maybe they did. It wasn’t important. The only thing that mattered was that I get to her before they did.

My eyes caught a picture frame on the drawers. It hadn’t been there before. My heart sank. She’d printed a picture of the two of us and framed it. I squinted. It was from one morning when I’d walked her to the library through the park. She’d whipped out her cell and taken a picture. I’d barely even noticed at the time, I’d been so wrapped up in her. I shook my head, knowing I shouldn’t think about it. I couldn’t help it.

I sprung off the bed and onto my feet. Now wasn’t the time to sit around daydreaming and regretting. We’d been doomed before our relationship even began. I should have listened to my instincts when they screamed at me that I shouldn’t get involved. But I hadn’t. And now I was paying the price for that.

People like me didn’t get to have love in their lives, I told myself as I walked to the door. I’d known that—it was something I’d told myself for years. We could fuck, but we couldn’t have love. It got in the way.

I glanced at the clock in the kitchen, calculating. Where was she? It was Friday afternoon. She was usually in the apartment around this time—she always came home early on Fridays. She’d told me that morning that she was meeting a friend of a friend to talk about a job at mid-day. But that was hours ago now. I frowned. Usually, she came straight home—if she went out it was later.

I opened the door and ran down the stairs.

***

My heart sank as I glanced around Tully’s. At this time in the afternoon, it was as empty as I would have expected. Five or six people were dotted around the tables, but that was it. No Amy. I sighed. I had no idea where else to go look for her. The library would be closed by now, and I had no idea where her interview had been. Not that that was an option, not if I didn’t want to make a scene.

My heart sank even further when I realized that the bartender was gesturing something at me.

“What’s that?” I muttered.

“What can I get you?” he yelled in his loud drawl.

“Nothing, I—” I started to turn around and then stopped.

“Change your mind easily, dontcha,” he smirked as I walked toward the bar.

The smile fell from his face the moment he saw my expression.

“Bad day?” he asked.

I shook my head in wonder at how this guy had managed to keep himself alive for thirty-plus years. He really had no sense of when to shut his stupid mouth. This time, though, I couldn’t say the same thing. I would never have thought of it if he hadn’t gotten my attention.

“Have you seen Amy?” I asked, trying to keep my tone light.

He seemed to think about it for a moment. “Naw, man. Doesn’t she spend most of her time at your place these days?” he asked with a wink.

My fingers clenched into fists; I had to physically restrain myself from launching them at him, reminding myself that he wasn’t the problem here. The Soldier. And I wasn’t going to be that powerless asshole that took his anger out on innocents because he couldn’t touch the real cause; no matter how annoying those innocents were.

“Yeah I know. But I got home early and she wasn’t there.”

He glanced around wide-eyed. “Well, she’s not there.”

I wanted to roll my eyes, but I resisted the opportunity. This was the guy chicks went wild for? He didn’t have two brain-cells to rub together, whatever about his stupid beard and expensive shabby clothing.

“I can see that, Tony. You haven’t seen her today?”

He shook his head. “Naw. She doesn’t come in here much now that she’s not staying at Julia’s.”

I could have kissed the damn moron on the head right then. That had to be it. There was nowhere else I could think of. “Julia,” I said thoughtfully. “Where’s her place at?”

He frowned. At first I thought he was deciding whether to tell a dangerous asshole like me where his girlfriend lived, but that wasn’t it at all. He was simply trying to remember the address.

“101 4
th
Street. Apartment 23.”

I nodded. “Thanks.”

“You don’t want a drink?” he asked.

For once I didn’t want to throw a punch at the stupid fuck. He’d just saved my life.

Amy

I still couldn’t believe it even though I remembered everything now.

“What happened then?” Julia asked softly, tearing me away from my self-loathing.

I shook my head. “You must think I’m a fucking idiot. Not seeing what he was all those years and then not trying to fight him off.”

She came around the table and knelt beside me, wrapping her arms around me. “No. I don’t. I’m glad you didn’t fight. I might be standing at your graveside right now.”

“But I might have got away.”

“Amy,” she soothed. “You did get away. You’re alive. You remember everything. Let me go find the detective’s card. I’ve got it in my purse.”

“No.” I grabbed her arm as she tried to stand up. “You can’t.”

She looked at me confused. “We have to call the cops, Amy.”

“We can’t,” I said miserably. “We can’t.”

“Oh, darling. You’re safe now.”

My hands were shaking out of control then. “No. I’m not. The cops, Julia.”

She smiled as if I wasn’t making any sense. “Yeah, sweetie. We’ve got to call them.”

I clenched my fists. It all made sense in my mind, but somehow I couldn’t get the words to come out. Hey, it wasn’t like I’d dealt with murderous boyfriends and dirty cops before, was it?

“If we go to the cops, he’ll know.”

Julia’s eyes opened wide. “What do you mean?” she asked cautiously. “Julia, he may have frightened you, but he’s out of your life now. He doesn’t know what you’re doing. How could he?”

By now I was struggling to breathe normally and not hyperventilate. “No, Julia. You don’t understand. He’s got cops; he told me.”

“What?”

I nodded.

She sighed gravely, glancing around the room. “Tell me everything, Amy. The whole story. Then we’ll figure out what to do.”

I wanted to protest, to tell her there was nothing we
could
do. But I didn’t. What was the point?

I sighed and tried to remember where I was in the story. “He started talking, but not in his usual voice. It was like I was with a different guy. ‘I went downstairs to get the tapes,’ he told me. ‘And isn’t it lucky I did?’ There was this vicious snarl to his voice that I’d never heard before. I just couldn’t stop looking at him, wondering who in the hell I’d been living with.

“He pushed me into the lounge. ‘What did you think you were going to do?’”

I shivered. Talking about it out loud was sending me right back there, to my old apartment. It wasn’t hazy anymore.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I had said, forcing myself to meet his eyes.

He had sneered. “Oh yeah? Come on Amy, you’re no fool. That’s why I liked you. You were different to the other women in my life.”

His tone was so hateful, so dismissive that I couldn’t help but feel rankled. “Other women?” I’d said, making a face. “How the fuck did you manage that? You barely had libido enough for me.”

His face changed in an instant. I was looking at a stranger. His hand swept through the air and clattered across my cheek leaving a painful sting in its place. I stared at him in disbelief. He’d never laid a hand on me before.

“Surprised?” he grinned.

My hands balled into fists. But then I released them. Because right then, I was terrified of him. I opened my mouth to answer, but no words came out.

He smiled; satisfied. “I knew you wouldn’t speak to me like that if you knew who I really was.”

I looked away. I couldn’t bear to see that stranger’s face any longer. But I knew I had to keep him talking if I had any chance of getting out of there. “Who are you, Ben? And why bother with all of this?”

He shrugged and turned to take in our apartment. “Why’d you have to come back when you did? Even then, if you’d just stayed here I might have forgiven it. But no. You were on your way to the cops, weren’t you?”

I shook my head.

“Don’t lie to me. It’s what people like you do, ain’t it?”

I bristled.
People like me?
Up until that afternoon, he’d been a person like me—young, educated, professional. Now, all of a sudden, even his accent sounded different. “Why would you go to all the trouble to pretend? For me? You can’t have. You barely showed an interest in me. And the brokerage. You talked about it in so much detail.”

“Yeah. Well. I sat my series 7 exams, you know. I’m not the fucking moron you think I am.” Anger flashed through his eyes.

“What? I don’t think you’re a moron. I just don’t know who the hell you are. You just shot a guy in our apartment for fuck’s sake.”

We both fell silent. The sounds of the city were muffled by the double-glazed windows and the fact that we were high above street level. I could have screamed, but it was likely that nobody would even hear me. I swallowed.

“The truth comes out now,” he snarled.

I shook my head, past caring. Because I needed to know; needed to know why someone would live a false life like that for so long. “Why did you insist we move in together? What was the point?”

He thought about it. “I wanted to see what it was like—life on the other side. What with the brokerage front, it had really got me thinking.”

“I was an experiment?” I said softly, looking around the room.

It had dawned on me that I didn’t know what or whom I was dealing with. A tad too late to realize, some might say. Yeah, well—you try finding out your boyfriend of two years was a murderous gangster.

“Kinda.” I could tell from his tone that he was growing impatient.

I realized the window of opportunity was narrowing. I pulled away.

“Where do you think you’re going?” he snarled.

My heart rate accelerated. “To the bathroom.”

“Yeah.” He took a step closer to me and smirked—this awful, evil smile I’d never seen before. “You mean calling the cops.”

I shook my head. “I need to go to the bathroom, Ben.”

He snorted with laughter. “Sure. You go ahead. Call the cops. It won’t make a difference.”

I swung around, more surprised than anything. He didn’t care if I called the cops? After what I’d seen him do?

“Tell them I said hi. After all, they’re probably on my payroll.”

“Bullshit,” I gasped, unable to believe what I was hearing from the man who, up until that afternoon had been my largely absent, slightly arrogant live-in boyfriend.

He smiled. “Try. See what happens.”

I turned back around, stunned. I needed to get away from him; to work out what to do. I took a step toward the door, thinking I’d get away; get to safety. And that was it. That was all it. I didn’t even see him pick it up; I only knew it was the door stop because the doctors told me he’d hit me with something blunt and heavy. I didn’t hear a thing, just felt a sharp crack across the back of my head that sent me crashing to the floor. I didn’t even feel anything; no pain. Nothing.

I could hear him standing over me, out of breath from the exertion. And I felt myself start to fade. My head was cold; cold and wet. But I was still conscious. I fought the urge to open my eyes; then I fought the panic that they were open and I just couldn’t see. I knew the most important thing I could do right then was to stay still and play dead.

That’s the last thing I remembered; him standing over me, breathing. Working out his next move, probably. Next thing I knew, I was in a hospital bed hooked up to god only knew how many tubes and monitors.

***

“Whoa,” Julia breathed.

“So you believe me?”

She nodded. “Of course. I mean, I thought you were going crazy when you called me earlier, because you weren’t making sense. But I believe you. Fuck. Do you think that’s why you repressed the memory?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. That’s one for the doctors, if…”

“If?”

I sighed. This was the part I didn’t get. “Why didn’t he come after me again? You said he visited in the hospital. He could have killed me then, or several times after I got out. If the cops weren’t an issue, then…”

“It would’ve been suspicious, wouldn’t it? To attack you twice. Even if he had some cops. They’re not all corrupt.” She wiped her eyes with her fingers. “Now that I remember it, he asked lots of questions. Would you ever wake up? Would you remember? At the time, the doctors’ outlook was grim.”

“And he took that as a good sign,” I said flatly.

She reached over and rubbed my arm. “Look, let’s call the cops. He can’t have every cop in this city on his side. Nobody does. Not even the mayor.”

I shook my head. “What if we pick the wrong one? We have no way of knowing. He’s dangerous, Julia.”

She took a deep breath. “Okay…”

My heart sank. For some irrational reason, I’d been holding out hope that she’d have the answers. But she didn’t. And she was the only person I had in this city, now that…

“What about Ryan?” Julia said, seemingly reading my mind.

I felt the corners of my mouth turn down. I looked away.

“Amy?”

I shook my head. “I just saw him. With Ben.”

“Ryan?
Your
Ryan?”

“Yeah.”

“What? Maybe…”

I shook my head.

“They could be friends from… I dunno…”

“Really?” I smiled sadly. I’d tried and failed to come up with a rational explanation, just like she was now.

She shrugged. “It’s a big city.”

I took a deep breath. “I don’t think it was any coincidence that I met him like that.”

“You mean…”

“Yeah.” I shuddered. For some reason, Ryan’s betrayal felt more raw, even though I barely knew him. “I saw them together. That’s one hell of a coincidence, right?”

“There’s no way they could…”

I shook my head. No. Enough. I decided then. No more trying to make excuses for the men in my life. There was no way they went to school together. I wasn’t risking my life on that theory.

“What do I do, Jules? I’m a fucking accountant. There was no CPA module covering what to do when the guys you date turn out to be homicidal maniacs and you can’t go to the cops.”

Julia snorted. “You’re asking me?”

I shrugged and leaned my chin into my arms. I needed a plan, and I needed one fast.