Cruel Summer (18 page)

So I did. I headed out the door and walked alongside him, neither one of us saying a word, just following the flow of the crowd, until he grabbed my hand, pulled me against the wall, and let everyone pass, until only we remained.

Then he looked at me and said, “Are you okay?”

His eyes were on mine, and his face showed such warmth and concern and care, that I just couldn’t help it, I burst out laughing.

Not that I thought it was funny or anything, since obviously it was a completely normal question under the circumstances (unlike my response, which was anything but normal). But after listening to that little speech of Tally’s at the beach, somehow it all just seemed kind of funny. Because the fact was, until he’d asked, I didn’t even realize that I was okay. That, come to think of it, I’d been okay all along. That even though I was still really sad about Petros, and still really worried about my future, and still beyond annoyed with my parents, and still quite possibly choosing the wrong friends over the right ones, I, Colby Catherine Cavendish, was still okay. And there was a pretty good chance I’d remain that way, no matter what.

That with a little effort, most of the stupid mistakes I’d made could be fixed. And as for the rest? Well, I’d just learn to deal. And for some stupid reason, that I can’t really explain, all of that made me feel like laughing, even though it was obviously NOT the response he was after (nor was it appropriate conduct from someone who just came from a funeral). But I guess it also felt good to laugh again. It’d been far too long since the last time.

And like always with laughing, it wasn’t long before Yannis joined in too, though it was pretty obvious it was more of a hesitant, confused laugh, like he wasn’t exactly sure why he was participating, but figured, well, what the hell?

So when I finally calmed down, I looked him right in the eyes and said, “Oh my God, you’re anonymous aren’t you?” Even though I hadn’t realized I knew until exactly that moment.

He nodded.

So I said, “And that’s why you dumped me, because you read about my trip to Mykonos.” And as I watched him nod again, I couldn’t believe how it’d taken me so long to figure it out. Though I still had no idea how he even knew about my blog in the first place, since it’s not like I ever told him about it. But I also knew it didn’t matter. What did matter was the way I’d hurt him. So I looked at him and said, “I’m sorry.” Which seemed a little inadequate, so I added, “But it’s not what you think because nothing happened, I swear. I mean, I’m not going to lie, we kissed—” I glanced at him briefly, then quickly looked away, the pain in his eyes being too much to bear. “But that’s it.
Really
—”

I lowered my gaze and focused on my feet, wishing I could go back and change things, yet knowing I could only move forward. So I took a deep breath and said, “I guess I was just so afraid of what I might lose, of what I might be missing out on, that I forgot to enjoy what I have. And I somehow believed that by pushing you away and rejecting everything here, I could reclaim my old life, the one I left behind. Only it didn’t work. It just left me feeling sad and awful and empty inside.”

When I looked up again his eyes were on mine, and it took everything I had not to look away.

“Is he your boyfriend?” he asked, his eyes narrowed.

I shook my head. “I don’t even like him.”

“And nothing happened?”

I gazed at him and swallowed hard, hating the words but knowing I had to say them. “We kissed, but that’s all.”

My hands were shaking, my palms were sweating, and my lips were pressed so tight it hurt, and when I glimpsed his expression, just seconds before he shook his head and looked away, I knew it was useless, I knew it was over.

But then he shrugged and said, “I’m sorry too.”

I froze, wondering if he had his own confession to make, something about Maria. And not really sure if I wanted the details, but knowing he deserved equal time, I asked, “What are you sorry for?”

He shook his head. “It was a stupid game, pretending to be anonymous. I should have told you. I just wanted to know you better. You always seem like you are keeping something back. You could have told me about your parents, and your friend coming to visit. Why did you keep it a secret?”

And even though it was a good, reasonable, valid question, that doesn’t mean I had an answer. So I just shrugged and said, “Well, now you know. But how did you know, about the blog? I mean, is Petros another cousin?”

Yannis laughed. “He is a cousin of my cousin, but not a direct relation. I stopped by his café one day when you were in there, and I recognized you from the boat, but you didn’t see me since you were too busy typing. And when I asked Petros about you, he told me about your blog, and I started reading it so that I could learn more about you. The only reason I showed up at the Fourth of July BBQ was so that I could meet you.” He shrugged.

“So you were stalking me?” I asked, realizing that for someone who thought she knew all the answers, I really didn’t know much of anything.

But he just laughed.

“And Maria?” I asked, still feeling that pang in my gut, despite everything he’d just told me.

But he just shook his head and slid along the wall, moving so close I could feel the warmth of his body, his breath on my cheek, as he looked at me and said, “The only reason I was in the port that day is because I was buying the flowers and food for our date. I’m not interested in Maria.” His eyes searched my face. “Unfortunately, I’m still interested in you.”

“Unfortunately?” I murmured, barely able to breathe as he brought his hand to my face, his fingers traveling along my temple, my cheekbone, stopping just long enough to tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ear, before returning to the curve of my chin.

“You’re leaving.” He shrugged, his eyes gazing right into mine, his fingers tilting my face toward his. “It’s unfortunate.”

“So what happens now?” I whispered, as he kissed the side of my neck, halfway between my ear and my necklace.

“We make the most of it,” he said, his lips meeting mine.

We kissed. Right there, next to the whitewashed wall, smack in the middle of town, where anyone could see. Just clinging to each other, lost in our own little world, oblivious to everything around us, until an old woman walked by and
tsk’d
.

Actually, she muttered something under her breath as well. But even though I asked Yannis to translate, he just shook his head, and said I was better off not knowing. Then he grabbed my hand and led me to where another old woman was selling flowers from a basket hanging off the side of her donkey.

So of course I said, “Oh, you don’t have to buy me flowers.” Even though I was secretly thrilled that he was.

But he just laughed and said, “They’re not for you, they’re for Petros. Come on, it’s a tradition.”

By the time we made it to the cemetery, the ceremony was over, and everyone had moved on, so Yannis and I walked right up to the grave site, and I watched while he placed a single white rose on the grave and said a few words in Greek. Then I placed a pink rose beside his and said, “Thanks for being my friend. And thanks for giving me good advice and telling me to turn off my computer, go outside, and get a life. And thanks for pulling no punches and letting me know when you thought I was up to no good.” I peeked at Yannis right after I said that, wondering if Petros had told him about the day I came back from Mykonos and how awful I looked and how I reeked of alcohol and sweat, but he was still gazing at the grave, so I took a deep breath and went on, “And thanks for that free frappe. I’ll miss you.”

And even though I thought I’d probably start crying the second that was out, I didn’t. But not because I was embarrassed, or wanted to appear strong or cool in front of Yannis—I guess just knowing it was okay to show emotion made it no longer necessary to hide it.

And after saying good-bye to Petros, Yannis grabbed my hand and we headed into town, anxious to make up for all that lost time.

Circle in the Sand

August 25

I’m back! Thanks to Tally and Tassos who are now totally hooked into the new millennium and have finally gone wireless! Yipee! Which means I can now blog from the comfort of my room, the kitchen table, the couch, the terrace, wherever! And it’s all because they said they wanted to keep in touch with me! And even though I don’t doubt that to be true, I also happen to know that they’re thinking of selling all the art and stuff they make in their own online store, which means they pretty much needed a computer to do that.

Anyway, you were probably a little confused when you saw the blog name, right? I know, I know, I just can’t seem to stick with a title. I guess I tend to be a little fickle, somewhat flighty, and perhaps even just a tad bit impulsive (but those are only a few of my many, many quirks, I assure you). Though let me also assure you that “Circle in the Sand” is officially back and will hold at least until I leave on August 31, which unfortunately, is now just a few days away.

Yup, you read that right, I said
UNFORTUNATELY.
Because even though I spent the better part of the summer longing to be just about anywhere but here, wouldn’t you know it, now that it’s nearly time for me to leave, this has pretty much become the only place I want to be.

Still, the fact remains that my days here are few, and since I’m determined not to waste any more than I already have, I will keep it short and sweet and show you what I’ve been up to:

That’s all for now!

Ciao!

Colby

August 26

To: AmandaStar

From: ColbyCat

Re: Wazup W/U & sandal guy?

Hey Amanda,

I got your e-mail, and just thought I’d let you know that SANDAL GUY has a name—it’s YANNIS.

And just so you know, he also happens to be MY BOYFRIEND.

And the only reason I didn’t tell you this before is because I knew you’d make fun of both him and me. But now I no longer care about things like that, so there it is.

Feel free to forward this e-mail to the entire Harbor High School student body if that’ll make you happy, since the truth is, I no longer care about stuff like that either.

Sincerely,

Colby

Circle in the Sand

Blog Comments:

Anonymous said:

It’s so good to have you back!

ColbyCat said:

It’s AMAZINGLY good to be back!