Courage In Love (16 page)

Chapter 32

“I heard you the first fucking time.” Ross muttered under his breath as he leaned against the counter and opened the pill bottle. His crutches started to fall and Ross grabbed them just in time. Thankfully, he didn’t dump the bottle in the process. Then, he’d have to call for Parker. Ross frowned at the label. It was a lower dose of Percocet but he still didn’t like it. He was tired of feeling floaty and his skin itching. After weeks of being out of his mind stoned and weeks of being half conscious, Ross just wanted to feel normal again. Well, as close to normal as he could. He set two pills on the counter and swung the fridge door open and grabbed a bottle of water.

“Did you find the colder bottles on top?” Parker asked from the living room. “I just put the ones on the bottom shelf in about half an hour ago.” He repeated and Ross shook his head in exasperation.

“For fuck’s sake, Parker!” Ross yelled. “It’s just fucking water.” He tossed the pills in his mouth and took a long drink from the bottle. He preferred room temperature water but he wasn’t about to shatter Parker’s whole universe over that.

Ross reminded himself that Parker meant well and he was doing everything he could to make Ross happy. He felt a stab of guilt over his outburst. Parker took being thoughtful to a whole new level as Ross’ fuse got shorter and shorter. But, holy shit, Parker was everywhere. He said that he wasn’t going to let Ross go and it looked like he was taking that vow very seriously. Parker went to every doctor’s appointment and every therapy session. He served Ross all of his meals and was there when Ross dressed and he even hovered until he was sure that Ross was safely seated on the toilet. Parker’s never ending supply of encouragement and patience was wearing on Ross. If he could just get a little time alone or maybe do something for himself, he wouldn’t feel like snapping at Parker every time he opened his mouth.

It didn’t help that everyone was telling Ross what to do and he had no control over anything. No one understood that he knew his body and its limits better than anyone else. The therapists and doctors were constantly limiting his reps and calling sessions early. It had taken weeks to get on top of the infections and for his stitches to close completely so he could start training with a prosthetic leg. Now, it was taking weeks to get it to fit right and for it to be comfortable enough for Ross to train on. Ross just wanted a working leg so he could be independent again. He could accept that his leg was gone but he couldn’t accept being an invalid. Especially with Parker. He was supposed to be giving Parker the perfect life he deserved, not being a burden.

The air was filled with sharp, deafening bursts of noise and the ground shook. Ross grunted as he lifted Burke, the pilot, from his seat and fell back, pulling him free of the cockpit. They stumbled as Ross shifted and adjusted, trying to get a good grip on Burke as he got a shoulder under his arm. Ross grabbed a handful of his vest and heaved, dragging Burke away from the downed helicopter. Searing pain exploded in Ross’ side but he kept his eyes trained on Hector and Jones as he pulled a half conscious Burke along. Jones was screaming as he fired on the compound behind Ross and Hector was yelling into a receiver.

There was a high pitched twhip and then everything was bright as Ross’ feet came off the ground and he was hurled toward the wall and the members of his team that had been in the helicopter with him. He tried to wrap his body around Burke’s, shielding him from the explosion and impact. They had to land, eventually. It felt like Ross was flying through the air for several moments. He blinked at the sky as he waited for his body to crash into hard, dusty, unforgiving earth. The night was a deep indigo and strewn with large, clear stars. So beautiful. Parker’s eyes, endless and shimmering, as they whispered and laughed in the middle of the night pushed the world away and Ross felt his lips curve. Pain engulfed Ross’ lower body and he roared as he slammed into the ground. Hector was firing over Ross and Burke, giving them cover as he called to Ross. Raging pain saturated every inch of Ross’ body and everything was silent as he stared at the sky.
I wish Parker could see this. The stars are all backwards and the blue is almost as beautiful as his eyes,
he thought. Burke twisted against Ross’ side as he started to regain consciousness.

“I’m think I’m dying.” He murmured as he clutched at Ross. Ross shook his head as he rolled over and surveyed around them.

“No. You’re good. Let’s go.” Ross yelled. He got one leg under him and tried to pull the other one up and put weight on it but his chest and shoulder crashed into the ground as he fell forward. Ross groaned as rocks and dirt dug into his chin and cheek. He pushed off with his hands and tried again. One of his legs wasn’t working and he couldn’t feel it. Ross refused to look as he rolled onto his side and grabbed hold of Burke’s vest and pushed him toward the guys on the other side of the wall. Ross crawled to Burke and threw him again and kept crawling. As soon as they were close enough, Jones and Hector ducked around the wall and dove for Ross and Burke.

“Is everyone else ok?” Ross yelled at Hector as he pulled Ross behind the wall.

“The other helicopter got out safe. We’re all good back here but we need to move everyone back before air support comes in.” Hector said as he slipped his belt around Ross’ leg and pulled tight. Ross nodded and kept his eyes on Hector.

“Over there.” Ross pointed at the remnants of a small building. It was only a few walls and sections of a collapsed roof but it would be adequate cover without boxing them in. Hector yelled at Jones and he nodded in agreement before he jogged over and wrapped his arms around Ross’ chest and lifted him.

“Hang on!” Jones yelled as he threw Ross over his shoulder. Ross didn’t have time to object, to order Jones to take care of Burke and the rest of the men before he was dashing through the clearing toward their new shelter. Jones dove and Ross grunted as he slammed into the ground again.

“Prop me up and give me my gun, we have to give them cover.” Ross said as he tried to pull himself up so he could see over the mud wall.

“Here.” Jones helped Ross set up his firing position and they aimed at the compound behind Hector and the rest of their team. As soon as everyone made it across, Hector called in the compound.

“They said it should be about five minutes.” Hector yelled and Ross’ lips pulled tight as he tried to estimate how much ammunition they had and how long they could hold off.

“Hold your fire!” Ross yelled. “Don’t let them get any closer but don’t fire unless you see them moving in.” He pressed his hand to his side and a warm gush of fluid spilled over his fingers. Ross swore as he frantically wiped his hand on his pants. “How’s Burke?” He called to Hector and he nodded before he tossed Ross a fresh clip.

“I think we’ve got him stabilized. How are you holding up?” Hector asked and Ross shrugged.

“Don’t worry about me. We need to hang onto this clusterfuck until Mark gets back.” He saw Hector cringe and he agreed. It was going to take a while. Jets streaked overhead and Ross covered his ears and ducked his head. He squeezed his eyes shut but the world still erupted in blinding light and everything shook as a wave of blistering heat washed over them.

When Ross raised his head and looked over the wall, the compound was obscured by dust and smoke and the smell of burning wood and bodies. The silence was eerie and heavy as Ross rested his chin on the wall and scanned as the air cleared. Screaming men called for others as they crawled and stumbled away from the flattened building. Their voices faded as they retreated and Ross sighed in relief as he slid down the wall. Everything tilted and his lips felt cold.

“Jones.” Ross called as the last of his strength dissolved.

“What’s up, man?” He asked as he squatted next to Ross. Ross grabbed his arm as he let his head fall to the ground.

“I got shot. I think I’m bleeding out.” Ross murmured as he patted his side. There was a soggy, wet squish and Jones gasped.

“Jesus, Ross!” Jones yelled as he tugged off his vest and pulled his shirt over his head. “Why didn’t you say anything?” He complained as he wadded up his shirt and pressed it against Ross’ side. Ross tried to laugh but there wasn’t enough air.

“We were kind of busy.” He explained and Jones called him a smart ass. “We should be good now. Whatever’s left, we’ve got enough to hold them back until Mark comes.” Ross grabbed Jones’ hand and held it as tight as he could. “I know you don’t agree with it but if I don’t make it, could you please make sure Parker knows…” Ross was cut off when Jones shook his head.

“Don’t fucking say it.” His eyes were wide as they held Ross’. “I’m sorry, man. Everything I said, it was all bullshit. Mark was right, none of that matters. I’ll tell Parker you love him and whatever else you want but it’s not going to come to that, got it?” Jones asked as he squeezed Ross’ hand. Ross tried to nod but he was too tired, his body was too weak. “You’re going to make it and you can tell him all that sweet, gay shit yourself. And when you two get married, I’ll be your fucking flower boy.” Jones promised and Ross’ lips curved into a hint of a grin as everything around him went black.

Ross sat up and gasped for breath as his chest heaved. He reached for his side and it was dry, the skin was warm and the scar was raised and smooth. He looked to his left and Parker was sleeping. A shaft of moonlight fell over his face and naked chest and pain streaked through Ross. He was so beautiful and perfect. Ross ached as his mind replayed the minutes before he lost his leg, trying to find some way to go back, to buy himself a few more minutes, to get himself just a little farther away from the helicopter so he could be whole and everything that Parker deserved. Ross fell back on the pillows and his eyes burned as he stared at the ceiling and tears flooded his vision. No matter how hard he wished he could have done something differently, it wouldn’t change anything. His leg was gone and he was never going to be whole again. Ross ground his teeth to keep from yelling and his hands clutched at his hair to keep from punching the bed as rage tore through him. Parker mumbled something in his sleep and his hand slid across Ross’ stomach as he scooted closer. More tears scalded Ross’ eyes as he clung to Parker’s arm.

Are you really going to sentence him to this for the rest of his life? He’s too good to leave but he can’t want this. Are you that selfish?
Ross’ stomach clenched and burned as he accepted that he was, that he still didn’t have the strength to let Parker go.

Chapter 33

The shower stopped and Parker leaned against the door and listened. After Ross’ recent outbursts and generally surly mood, Parker was trying to give him a little more space. He got it. Well, as much as someone that’s never lost a limb could. On top of losing half of his leg, Ross’ recovery and rehabilitation weren’t going as smoothly as they would have hoped. They were still having problems fitting the prosthetic leg. They had spent the morning in physical therapy and the model they had been trying to fit just wasn’t going to work. They couldn’t get it comfortable enough for Ross to wear for more than a few minutes at a time.

Seeing Ross in pain as he tried to move with the prosthetic was gut wrenching for Parker. But it was the frustration and disappointment that was breaking his heart. The visits to the therapist now consisted of an hour or two of watching Ross clench his teeth, grunt and swear until he was pale, exhausted and soaked with sweat and the doctors and therapist called an end to his efforts. Ross would keep going, if it were up to him. Every time he left without the new leg, it was devastating. The long ride home was miserable. Ross would pretend to curl up against the window and fall asleep but Parker knew he was crying. Which left Parker pretending he didn’t know so he couldn’t comfort him. Ross was becoming more withdrawn and resistant to being comforted and cared for. So, Parker was trying to give him a little more space, hoping it was like one of those stages of grief that Ross just had to get through. Parker was determined to ride it out and do as much as he could, where he could, without upsetting Ross. But, the shower made him nervous. Unfortunately, Ross ordered Parker out after he hobbled into the bathroom with his crutches, insisting he could manage on his own.

There was a high rubber squeak, a clatter and a loud slapping sound. Parker’s heart stopped and he heard Ross curse and he squeezed his eyes shut as he debated whether or not he should go in. The silence held for several moments and Parker decided he had to check on Ross. When he pushed the door open, Ross was sprawled on the floor, on his back and his hands were fisted in his hair. Parker wanted to cry, despite the last few months, it wasn’t getting easier to see Ross in pain.

“Would you please, just leave?” He wheezed and Parker shook his head.

“No. Let me help you up.” Parker stated as he went to Ross but halted when Ross glared at him and waved him away.

“Why can’t you back off? Why do you always have to be underfoot?” He gasped as he twisted and got his hands and knee beneath him.

Parker sighed as he leaned against the counter and crossed his arms over his chest. He reminded himself that Ross didn’t mean it and all of this was understandable considering who he was and what he was going through. Ross grabbed the countertop and tried to pull himself but his arms were shaking and gave out. He gasped and rested his cheek against the wood and shut his eyes, avoiding looking at Parker. Muscle failure. After a long, exhausting day of therapy and a painful fall, Ross needed Parker.

“You have to stop making this about you.” Parker said gently as he got behind Ross and hooked his arms under his shoulders and Ross laughed.

“I’m pretty sure it’s me that just fell like a toddler running across a slip and slide. And I’m pretty sure it’s me that can’t get himself off the floor.” He growled as Parker helped him sit on the toilet. Parker shook his head as he grabbed the crutches and quickly placed them in the bedroom, by Ross’ side of the bed.

“Yup. That was you. Mostly because you want to lash out and push me away. If you would have let me stay and help, it wouldn’t have happened.” Parker said matter-of-factly as he helped Ross stand. He wrapped his arm around Ross’ waist and pulled Ross’ arm over his shoulder. “You need to stop acting like these setbacks are about you.” Parker explained as he guided Ross through the bathroom door. “You thought you’d show up to physical therapy, they’d toss you a bionic leg and you’d be as good as new and running a marathon a few weeks later.” He stopped at the bed and helped Ross sit then grabbed his thighs and turned him so he was laying in his spot. “You forgot to take into account that you’re made of human parts and you’re going to have to give it time, like all the other people that have gone through this.”

Ross rolled onto his side and hugged a pillow to his chest and buried his face as Parker undressed. This had become standard as well. Ross wouldn’t look at Parker when he was naked and he pulled away when they were in bed. They hadn’t had sex since Ross came home. Parker stopped and rested his hands on his hips as he watched Ross try to make himself invisible. Parker realized just where his limits were. Instead of pulling on his pajamas and gently getting in bed next to Ross and carefully holding him, Parker crawled onto the bed and covered Ross’ body with his. Ross became stiff beneath him.

“What are you doing?” He whispered. His voice sounded so small and tight and it was a sharp pain in Parker’s chest. He took a deep breath before he settled on his elbow and turned Ross so that he was on his back, beneath him.

“I miss you.” Parker murmured before his hand cupped Ross’ face and his lips feathered across his brow. Ross exhaled raggedly and his arms wrapped around Parker. It felt incredible and sacred and tears filled Parker’s eyes. “I love you and I need you.” He admitted as his lips brushed against Ross’. He felt them turn down and he shook his head faintly.

“You don’t have to pretend, Parker.” Ross said as he tried to push him off and Parker’s brows pulled together as he looked down at Ross.

“Pretend?” He was completely lost as Ross finally looked at him. His eyes were hard and heavy as he stared up at him.

“I know you love me. You wouldn’t have put up with all of this if you didn’t. But, you don’t have to pretend that you still want me, that it doesn’t bother you.” Ross swallowed painfully and tried to look away. Parker grabbed his jaw and ducked his head so he could find Ross’ eyes.

“You need to stop that. Now.” Parker demanded and Ross’ eyes flared. Parker kissed him, quickly and hungrily. There were hints of anger and frustration and Parker let Ross feel them. “Fuck you for thinking that I could be that shallow or that I’d lie to you about that.” He didn’t try to hide the hurt or make his voice less harsh. “Does it feel like I’m pretending?” Parker ground his hips against Ross, letting his extremely heavy and insistent hard-on drive into his thigh and Ross groaned. “Why, Ross? I’ve needed you for weeks and you won’t let me touch you and you won’t look at me.” He refused to release Ross’ face so he could look away so Ross shut his eyes tight and his chest heaved beneath Parker’s.

“How could you still want me? I’m not complete and I can’t do anything?” His voice shook and Parker had to bite his lip to keep from gasping as he felt another flash of pain.

“Look at me.” Parker demanded and waited. After a few moments, Ross opened his eyes and they were shattered. Parker pulled in a deep breath and sighed as he dropped his forehead and let it rest on Ross’. “What if it was me?” He asked and Ross’ mouth fell open. Parker laughed softly. “Would you stop wanting me?” Ross didn’t hesitate, he tried to shake his head and Parker claimed his lips and kissed him swiftly. “Are you a better person than me? Do you think I love you less?” He asked and Ross frowned as he stared up at him.

“No! I…” He bit his lip as he considered. “It’s just something I was always prepared for. You don’t do what I do… what I did and not realize that losing a limb is a possibility. I’ve seen too much of that.” Ross whispered and Parker rested his forehead against Ross’ again.

“You don’t think I was aware of it as well? You can’t imagine all the scenarios that kept me up at night. Why do you think I chickened out in the beginning? I was afraid that something like this would happen and it would hurt too much to see you like this.” Parker saw the muscle in Ross’ jaw twitch and he stroked it with his thumb. “I was right. It hurts like hell but that doesn’t mean I don’t want you.” Ross sighed and pulled Parker tight against him.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered shakily. “I’m sorry I couldn’t let you go and that I did this to us.” Ross pecked at Parker’s lips and Parker shook his head.

“It’s too late for that now. You’re stuck with me. And what you did was amazing and I don’t want you to regret it or think that I do.” Parker rose on his elbows and dipped his head so he could bury his face in the corner of Ross’ neck. He breathed deep, filling his senses with Ross’ scent and warmth before he let his tongue wash over Ross’ skin and moaned ecstatically. “Oh, God. You can’t know how much I’ve missed this.” He murmured as he lapped at Ross’ collarbone. Ross groaned as his hands kneaded at Parker’s shoulders and he arched beneath him, offering more.

“I do.” Ross insisted and he gasped when Parker’s tongue traced his nipple. “I think it’s half the reason I’ve been such a miserable asshole.” He admitted and Parker growled as he flicked then bit playfully and Ross hissed.

“You brought that on yourself.” Parker teased as his lips bathed Ross’ stomach with open mouthed kisses. “All you had to do was ask. My pants would have come off so fast…” He heard Ross moan and Parker chuckled as he slid lower. His hand slid down Ross’ thigh and he jumped when it brushed against the stump. “Did that hurt?” Parker asked gently as his thumb caressed the tender skin and Ross shook his head and reached for Parker’s hand.

“No. Just…don’t.” He begged and Parker pulled his lips tight and stared up at Ross for a moment.

“Don’t what?” Parker asked slowly and Ross looked away.

“Don’t look at it or touch it. I don’t want it to ruin the mood.” He mumbled and more pain burst in Parker’s chest. He had to make Ross understand.

“You’re not listening to me.” Parker said firmly before he lowered his head and pressed his lips to the tight skin at the end of Ross’ stump. Ross jerked and gasped Parker’s name as he reached for his shoulders. Parker swatted his hands away and licked gently along the stitch scars. “This doesn’t scare me or turn me off.” Parker insisted as he rubbed his lips along the raised line. “I don’t see something lacking or that you’re incomplete. I see more. This is the physical embodiment of everything that I love about you.” Parker looked up and his eyes locked with Ross’.
“You love me because I’m damaged?” He meant it as a joke but his voice trembled and was watery. Parker shook his head, letting his lips slide gently back and forth and Ross squirmed.

“No one can look at you now and not see what I’ve always known. This shows it all. It’s your strength, your bravery, your loyalty, your selflessness, your determination, your sacrifice and it’s going to be your success. You will overcome this and then, you’ll be even more amazing and inspiring. I look at this…” Parker kissed the scars. “And I see all those things and I’ve never wanted you as much as I want you right now.” He promised and Ross sobbed as he sat up and reached for Parker. He grabbed his arms and pulled him on top of him as he fell back on the bed and wrapped his hands around Parker’s face.

“I love you so much!” Ross’ face was streaked with tears as his lips crashed into Parker’s.

His tongue was demanding and frantic as it twisted around Parker’s and his hands gripped and pulled at Parker’s back and shoulders. Everything became desperate and hot as need, joy, relief and acceptance crashed upon them. Parker’s hands slipped between Ross’ back and the mattress and he clawed at the long, taut muscles of Ross’ back as he angled his head and took the kiss deeper. Lust roared within him and Parker groaned as his hands wrapped around the firm globes of Ross’ ass. Ross’ lips pulled free and he gasped as he bucked beneath Parker.

“Now you’ll really have to do all the work. I can’t do anything.” Ross grinned as he nipped at Parker’s lips and Parker rolled his eyes.

“Shut up. We’ll learn how to adjust.” He said as he stretched and pulled the bedside table drawer open. Parker sifted through the contents before his hand fell on the lube and he snatched it and shut the drawer. “There’s still a lot that we can do.” He murmured as he returned to Ross’ lips and he felt them turn down.

“But I can’t fuck you like I want to.” Ross complained and Parker shrugged.

“Not yet. I’ll just have to ride you, for now.” Parker growled softly as he wrapped his hand around Ross’ erection and began to stroke. It was so hard, Parker could feel it pulsing and he felt an empty, tingling ache in response. Parker knew he should go slow and feast on every inch of Ross’ body, to show Ross with his mouth and hands just how much he still loved and wanted all of him. But the need to feel Ross inside of him was overwhelming. Parker needed to feel connected to him and he really needed to get off. Fast. “I know you, it won’t be long before you’re bending me over and fucking me from behind in the kitchen or holding me up and fucking me against the wall.” Parker predicted as he coated Ross’ cock with lube with a shaking hand. Ross groaned as he thrust against Parker’s hand and his lips clung to Parker’s.

“Rehab goals?” He laughed hoarsely as Parker tightened his grip and stroked harder.

“Exactly.” Parker stated as he rose over Ross and guided the head of his erection to his entrance. “Think of all the ways you’re going to fuck me because it’s all I can think about while I’m watching you.” Parker sat back and held his breath as the head pierced the tight ring and he forced his body to relax and pushed back. It had been a while and he felt tight around Ross as his hard, solid length pressed deeper into Parker’s passage. He breathed through the burning pressure until he was resting on Ross’ thighs.

“Are you all right?” Ross whispered as his hands rubbed Parker’s thighs soothingly. Parker nodded and sighed as the discomfort was quickly replaced by warmth and fullness.

“It’s good. I just needed a minute.” Parker fell forward and kissed Ross tenderly as he slowly rocked back and forth.

Parker felt Ross’ fingernails dig and drag down his back as he groaned into Parker’s mouth. Heat and pleasure rippled out in heavy waves as Parker rolled his hips and ground against Ross’ pelvis. He sobbed as he rubbed his prostate against Ross’ throbbing shaft and rode him faster. Parker knew it wasn’t going to take long. His balls were already tightening and his movements were becoming jerky, his coordination was failing as he pushed off the bed and slammed back against Ross. Parker’s head snapped back and his eyes rolled when Ross’ hand wrapped around his cock and began to squeeze and pull.