Counseling Through Your Bible Handbook (65 page)

W
e love our heroes. We need heroes in every generation and in every culture—heroes who possess what they profess, reflect what they represent, walk their talk, and survive close scrutiny. True heroes have integrity and are worthy of imitation. We find hope in heroes who sidestep the seductive ditches of immorality, and are willing to stand alone regardless of stress—who hold to principle no matter the pressure, who will not compromise their convictions. Though not perfect, true heroes are committed to following a path of spiritual, emotional, and physical purity, including sexual integrity.

—
Sexual integrity
is consistently living according to the highest moral sexual standards—consistently guarding your mind, will, and emotions from sexual impurity (Proverbs 10:9).

—
Integrity
means whole, undivided, and void of hypocrisy
¹
(Proverbs 11:3).

—
Sexual integrity
is to be the same in the dark as you are in the light—not double-minded with contradictory thoughts, words, or deeds. The person without integrity “is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does” (James 1:8).

You don’t have to go far in the Bible to learn God’s heart on healthy sexual relationships. We find four points of His plan mentioned in the second chapter of Genesis, and this blueprint, repeated in the New Testament, demonstrates God’s desire for us to
get it right!
(Matthew 19:4-5).

— The man and the woman will establish a separate family unit from their parents.

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother”

(G
ENESIS
2:24).

— The married couple will cleave, unite, bond to each other as the priority relationship.

“…and be united to his wife…”

(G
ENESIS
2:24).

— The “one flesh” sexual relationship will begin
after
the God-ordained marriage between husband and wife.

“…and they will become one flesh”

(G
ENESIS
2:24).

— The sexual and emotional intimacy in marriage will be open and vulnerable, with moral purity between husband and wife.

“The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame”

(G
ENESIS
2:25).

When infatuation turns to feverish passion, innocence is lost. Then what you think is love turns out to be lust…an
illusion
of true intimacy…a
counterfeit
of the lasting love that sustains a relationship. Too late, you may learn there are great differences between lust and love. Matthew 5:28 says, “Anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

God intended the sexual relationship for pleasure within the protected confines of marriage. With pleasure as a goal, the number one question asked about sex (outside of marriage) is, How far is too far? When holding hands or casual kissing no longer arouses the flame of passion, “the law of diminishing returns” kicks in. If passion is the goal, then more intimate sexual activity is needed to reach the same level of pleasure experienced before. This progression is built into us by God and is intended to lead to the culmination of sexual oneness in marriage. Apart from a marriage relationship between a man and a woman, God never approves of sexual oneness—nor does He condone attempts at sexual arousal (1 Thessalonians 4:3).

In the progression of touch (from hugging to holding hands to kissing to the ultimate sex act), where do you draw the line? Never underestimate the power of sexual passion!

Consider the following:

— The best approach is a mutual commitment: Never touch any part of another person’s body that is covered by a bathing suit.

— The best imagery is, “Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?” (Proverbs 6:27).

— The best question to ask is, Which steps can you take and still glorify God? Don’t start down a progression that could ignite a fire—
a fire that cannot be legitimately put out!
Note:
Because French kissing simulates the sex act, many conscientious yet-to-be-married couples have declared this act off-limits.

— The best scripture is Ephesians 5:3: “Among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity.”

Many decisions need to be made
prior
to needing them. This involves knowing the end result you desire and then,
ahead of time
, committing yourself to a plan to achieve it. Otherwise, in the heat of the moment, you will react and later realize, with regret, you made the wrong decision. The following path will help you avoid the alluring ditch of sexual immorality and pursue a purity of spirit, soul, and body that will help you enjoy a life of true satisfaction that God Himself has prepared for you.

Write out
—and consider framing—your vow to be sexually pure from this day on.

— Share your pledge with someone you trust who knows the Lord (Ecclesiastes 5:4).

Find
friends who hold the same commitment.

— Abstaining from sex is easier alongside close friends who honor the same vow (Philippians 2:2).

Pray
for the right accountability partner.

— Ask someone who cares about you—someone whom you deeply respect—to hold you accountable sexually. Ideally, this person should be older—someone who will ask candid questions and speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). Meet with this person regularly (Proverbs 27:6).

Develop
a proactive strategy for countering sexual triggers.

— Don’t be alone in your date’s home. Don’t go into your date’s bedroom. If your sexual challenge is the Internet, use an Internet filter; if your challenge is sex on TV, use a blocking service. Ask God to help keep you on His path (Proverbs 4:14).

Make
a list of goals you have for life.

— Develop both short-term and long-term goals. Pray for God to stir your heart with work He has planned for you to do (Ephesians 2:10).

Wear
a purity or chastity ring, bracelet, or necklace as a reminder of your commitment.

— A physical item can be a spiritual reminder of your pledge to sexual purity (Psalm 61:8).

Write
a love letter to your future mate.

— Tell him or her why you choose to save yourself and what purity means to you. Sign, date, then read your letter once a month (Hebrews 13:4).

Rely
on the teachings of your church.

— Almost all churches, and even many world religions, teach the value of maintaining sexual purity. Spiritual faith is a strong motivation to do what is right (1 Corinthians 16:13).

If you are single and no longer a virgin, God still desires you to live a life of sexual integrity. You can choose “secondary virginity.” God can, if you permit Him, empower you to have victory over the past. From this point on, save yourself for the one whom God has saved for you.