Confessions of a Wild Heart (19 page)

“I thought of this place. I knew you’d like it.” And that Jase had thought of him warmed his poor, annoyingly bruised heart. It was almost painful to feel that warmth in there again.

His hands started shaking a bit so he gripped his camera tighter.
Get it together. This is a good day. You can have one good day.

Although, he was starting to have more good days than not when he saw Jase. He was reminded what it was like to have something to look forward to. Scarily enough, he remembered what it was like to look at someone from his past and not see them looking back at him with disdain. Those people were few and far between these days.

So Ase went back to concentrating on this place Jase had brought him. Thoughtful and perfect. Ase remembered one of his better days from the past. From that secret place in Ase’s heart, the one that he pulled reserves from every once in a while, a place Jase also lived more and more now, Ase let himself feel.

As Ase looked through his camera’s lens, he spoke, not sure whether he was telling himself the story or Jase.

“When I was younger, my parents took us to
México
and
Guatemala
to see cousins and our
abuela
. It was the only time we ever went.” He snapped a few more photos, letting the words just come out, letting himself feel a little peace at the memory.
One good day won’t kill you
.

“With restrictions being hard on my
papi’
s residency status—he was stubborn and never got his citizenship like
Mami
—they might not let him come back if he visited too long or too often.”

“That had to suck,” Jase said. Ase looked at him through the lens and snapped a photo, one of Jase rolling his eyes at being photographed.

“Not really. The areas where they’re from are pretty rough. I loved seeing it, seeing where they came from, and the culture. But some places were scary.
Ciudad de Guatemala
had some areas my mother couldn’t even wear jewelry and we couldn’t wear our Jordans because we’d get mugged.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. But it wasn’t all bad. Some of it was gorgeous. My
abuela
and
Tia Beatriz
had this big gorgeous house in the suburbs that my parents could only dream of in San Diego.” Ase remembered the lush greenery, the beautiful path to Lake Atitlan. “You’d be surprised what a few years working a good job in the U.S. can get you there.” Ase looked up at Jase and smirked “Or divorcing well, like my
Tia
.” That got a chuckle from Jase.

“We stopped in an old village. It was much like this, probably abandoned due to lack of jobs or something sad. But it was beautiful, if tragic. I took some of my first photos there.” Ase smiled, remembering his old camera that used film you probably couldn’t buy anywhere but eBay these days. “At ten years old I thought it was the coolest camera ever, even though my parents got it for five bucks at a discount store. Best birthday present ever.

“And that village made me want to see so much more of the world. I wanted to take pictures anywhere I could. And I got lucky for a while there. London,
Plage d’Arone
in France…” He shot a smirk at Jase before looking back through his lens to snap a shot of a few cardinals sitting in a row on the roof ledge of an old church with a pine tree growing through it. “Munich.”

He didn’t feel the same hurt thinking about Munich as he once had, there with Jase in the little city in the woods. He glanced up at Jase and stilled. There it was. The perfect shot. He wasn’t sure whether it was the man, the day, or his mood, but the moment was so much like when he’d first spotted Jase at the castle in Bavaria. Jase always managed to look like a fairy tale prince when he was looking up into the sun in these mystical places, with his golden hair shining and his pink lips formed into a dreamy smile.

Jase’s attention was pulled by Ase having stopped, staring at him. Ase didn’t have it in him to blush as they stood looking at each other for a moment. Jase’s Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed, and Ase felt his feet wanting to move toward Jase.

He blinked, breaking the spell, shaking off the absurd need to claim the man. He cleared his throat before saying, “Uh, maybe we should head back.” He looked up into the waning daylight. “Looks like the light is gonna be gone before we make it back to your house.”

Jase nodded once. “Yeah,” he said, sounding slightly disappointed, then surer as he repeated, “Yeah. Good idea.”

They were quick about going back to the bike, Ase not ready to let reality totally creep back in yet, even if it was already pushing at the edges, as he put his camera away and handed Jase the helmet again.

They made the ride back in a peaceful silence, his mind quieter than it had been in many, many months. He let himself soak in the feeling of having Jase wrapped around him, wishing they didn’t just have a few more months together, that he wasn’t too ashamed to try to give Jase more than just friendship.

When they got back to the ranch, Jase reminded Ase he’d bought food for them after work, so he accepted the invitation to stay for dinner.

More companionable silence followed as they sipped on beers—thankfully ending some of Ase’s more anxiety and his shaking hands—painfully making Ase think how amazing they’d have been together if he’d come to Jase years ago rather than make the decisions he had out of fear and pain and completely idiotic immaturity.

Before he’d become a total piece of shit and still felt like he deserved a little happiness.

As they sat to eat, they chatted about inconsequential things like Jase’s job in San Antonio and Ase’s schooling. He left out his shitty final year of med school. They weren’t fucking, so it wasn’t a necessary evil. Though, one day, even without the fucking, Jase would have to hear about it. He might not even want to be Ase’s friend after that, though Jase didn’t seem that childish. It sure would halt any relationship ideas Jase had.

Hell, if he knew about Ase’s little side job, with his
manly
hang-ups that Ase saw shining through every once in a while, Jase would probably shut down any of these silly feelings.

And with that thought, reality had officially come back home.

Shit.

Jase didn’t seem to be faring much better, his brow scrunched as he leaned back in his seat, rolling his beer bottle in his hand and staring off toward his mother’s house.

“You okay?” Ase asked.

Jase waved him off. “Nah. It’s been a nice night. I don’t wanna ruin it with family drama.”

Ase wasn’t sure why he pushed, but he did. He’d heard a little about how Jase’s family had treated him back when they talked and a bit here and there since they got re-acquainted. He
wanted
to know Jase. Better than he thought he already did. “Don’t sweat it. I can tell it’s bothering you.”

“Are you gonna tell me about what happened with your mama?” Jase asked, his tone surly.

Ase raised a brow. “My mother is about twelve hundred miles away, not just up the hill. I can ignore a phone call.” Jase looked at Ase. Hard.

“It’s just the mood swings. No big. Par for the course, and all. She got pissy this afternoon and called me a sissy. She felt bad immediately, but it still chafes.” Jase took a sip of his beer and offered Ase another. Ase accepted gratefully, nervous he wouldn’t be able to dodge more questions about his family situation. Not that he was keeping it secret, per se. He just wanted a little more time. Just a little. He would tell Jase, he’d decided. But not tonight.

When Jase returned with the new beers, and they’d both had a moment to drink, he continued. “Sucks having her call me that, and having to smile and take it like a bitch because she’s not well.” Ase wasn’t sure he liked Jase’s wording.

“Sounds like you have a problem with how they perceive you. I hadn’t pegged you for the type.”

Jase’s face went red, even his ears. “That’s not…” At the wry look Ase shot his way, Jase nodded. “Okay, yeah, I have moments.”

Ah, internalized homophobia. Ain’t it a bitch?
Of course, Ase could relate. Macho culture was even more pronounced in places like barnyards and Latino households. Hearing someone call you a pansy or a
joto
wasn’t easy to just get over.

If only Jase knew
, Ase thought, feeling his lips twist wryly.

They drank quietly for another moment. Ase started growing tense, though, and knew if he stayed he’d keep drinking. Not that he wouldn’t have a stronger drink when he got home, but he needed to not get stuck here. Staying the night with Jase was probably too much since he definitely had no right to go back to bed with the man while keeping things so close to the vest. No way. And more so, Ase didn’t want to have to sneak out like a villain in the morning. He wasn’t doing the closet shit like a bad boy teenager ever again. He’d committed his crimes, was still doing his time, and had the slowly dwindling checking accounts to prove it. He wasn’t getting wrapped up in any more drama. God knows there didn’t seem to be enough vodka to help him outrun his own these days.

“Well,” Ase said. “I should probably head out.”

“Oh.” Jase’s expression was surprised, thankfully not disappointed. Seemed they both needed space.

He stood to leave, pulling on his jacket like an armor. When he turned, Jase was right in his space. Goddamn the man’s shy, flushed grin and the softness of the white t-shirt over his broad shoulders made Ase want to wrap himself in Jase and lose himself. He forgot what it was to yearn for Jase. He’d done it from afar so long that being three inches from the man was hell.

“What’re you doing Saturday?”

Jase blinked. Blinked again and took a step back. He licked his lips, inviting a kiss.
Just one taste.

No. He doesn’t know.

And that’s exactly how Ase would end this train wreck before it got any further along.

“I’ll be at Bar None, Saturday at nine-thirty p.m. Come.”

Jase’s confused look was almost more kissable than his shy one. “Okay,” Jase said.

And Ase was out the door before he could fuck up.

Then he asked himself all the way home what he’d been thinking, inviting Jase out.

Chapter 17

“
Mami,
I’m not having this conversation again. I’m at work. I do not have time.”

“I am just as tired as you of having this conversation
, mijo
. But I’m trying to understand.”

Ase dropped his head back against the headrest of the chair he’d been occupying for the last twenty minutes in the staff lounge. He hated the disappointment in her voice, but this was the same fight they’d had since he announced he was moving out of the house he shared with Lizeth. He’d heard all the recriminations in the few months he lived with Anthony. He felt the guilt more heavily himself than she could make him feel with anything she’d said.

He got it. He fucked up. And not only had he fucked up for himself, but for everyone else. Which is why he’d moved, so everyone could have space from him. He’d stayed on the path to finish his residency, he’d paid everything he was required on time every month, lived up to every agreement he’d made. Still, no one was happy, him most of all.

“You keep running away from your responsibilities.”

“No, I haven’t run away,
Mami
.” He didn’t think she’d understand. Even Lizeth had originally agreed he’d made the right decision, until his parents had gotten her parents in on the guilt trips. He’d offered to help her move as well; it wasn’t like she had roots in California. Hell, she didn’t even have a job there. She lived on what money Ase sent her. Of course his
mami
called it guilt money.

And he didn’t have anyone but himself to blame, so he refused to act like a victim.

“I have to get back to work. Are you still coming out in a few weeks?”

“I don’t know. Is there a point?” Not that he really wanted her to.

“Not if you’re only coming to make me say my Rosary.”

The tense silence on the other end of the line tested his patience so he snapped. “Okay. I have to go. Love you. Give everyone my best.” Not that they’d give a shit. He was everyone’s greatest disappointment, according to them. Although he couldn’t see why when his youngest brother was in jail for selling coke and weapons charges, now. Ase couldn’t say he’d disappointed Lizeth, because she’d known from day one how things would turn out. But he’d disappointed himself because he’d been an idiot, letting his fear direct him.

He sat, eyes covered with his arm for a minute. He groaned when he uncovered them to find Dustin standing there, concern written all over his face.

“What exactly is it you fight about with your mother?”

“None of your business.”

Concern morphed to surprise on Dustin’s face. “Okay,” he drawled. Ase felt bad. He’d not meant to snap at Dustin. He wasn’t sure when he’d become this person.

About the time your
papi
and your brother walked in that fucking gay bar.
He closed his eyes against those memories. If he just didn’t let them spill out, if he concentrated on some of the good things in his life right now, took them with him for a while, maybe he’d stop acting like such a miserable bastard.

“So, Doctor Roman is here doing rounds. She said you could go on break.”

“I was just…”

“Take a real one, Ase. You look like shit.”

“Thanks,” Ase said, not able to help the laugh that came out with the word. One thing he had to give Dustin; the guy had brass balls.

“Any time, and since you’re on break, I thought you might want to know Deputy Blondie is waiting for you at the nurses’ station.” Dustin’s brows went up. “You invited him out this Saturday?”

Ase did
not
want to talk about that, so he just grunted and rose to his feet. He went out into the hall and down to find Jase. He couldn’t stop the annoying smile from appearing on his face. He still couldn’t fathom what lunacy had prompted him to invite Jase out this weekend. He assumed it was to make a clean—or not—break.