Confessions (13 page)

Leon had told me to take what I needed. Well, I did. I needed it
all
in order to get on my feet and start over. Unlike him, I don't have a six-figure job.

I waited until I drove over to my bank and deposited the money into my personal checking account before I called Nikki. She answered on the first ring.

“Remember when I told you Leon said for me to take whatever I needed outta the account?” I said by way of a greeting.

There was a noticeable pause. “Yeah?”

I took a moment and moistened my lips. “Well…I took it all.”

“All?”

“Well, everything but three dollars and twenty-eight cents.” I started laughing and couldn't stop. It felt good…damn good to be back in control.

“You are a mess.” Nikki didn't sound the slightest bit amused.

“Hell, I'm not about to let him take that money and spend it on some other female.”

She blew out a long breath. “Who says he has someone else? You don't know that for sure.”

Sometimes my girl seemed slow. “He does. It's been a week and not a single phone call, and then he had the nerve to send me an e-mail last night.”

“What did it say?”

“It said our lives had grown in two different directions and he'll always love me, but it was time for him to get on with his life and for me to take whatever I needed outta the account to clean up my credit.”

Nikki cleared her throat. “Well…you
do
need to work on your credit.”

“Whatever! I plan to do that. I just took a little extra in the meantime.”

Nikki started talking to her assistant who was in the background asking about the price of a book. “Sorry about that. Now…how much
did
you take?”

“I
said
all of it.”

“How much is
all
of it?”

Damn, she was nosy, trying to sound like somebody's mama. “A hundred grand.”

Nikki gasped. I knew she wouldn't approve, but so what?

“Goodness, Trinette! The man gave you everything and you're stealing his money.” I didn't miss the critical tone of her voice.

“Technically it's
our
money.”

“Whatever.” There was heavy sarcasm in her voice.

Who was she to judge me?

“Ohhhkay…so tell me…now that you have taken the money, how do you feel?”

“It feels damn good.” Actually it felt good five minutes ago. Now that it was done, it didn't feel any way at all like I thought it would feel. Instead, I still felt empty inside, but I wasn't about to tell Nikki that so she could start analyzing me.

I pulled out of the parking lot. “I'm ready to plan a trip.”

“I thought you were gonna start working on fixing your credit?”

“I mean afterward.” Damn, she took all the fun out of everything.

“I guess.” Nikki was quiet for a moment before she finally said, “At least call or e-mail Leon and let him know you have taken the money.”

“For what?” I snapped. “Leon checks his account on a regular basis.”

“You should still tell him.”

Maybe she was right. Leon might be trying to buy tickets for him and his woman to go on a vacation. That would definitely be one way for him to find out the money was gone. Ha-ha! Nikki makes me sick, acting like she's my mama, but she's right. The least I could do is tell him. “Okay, I'll e-mail him when I get a chance and tell him.”

“Good. Look…I need to go. Some of us do have to work today. Enjoy the rest of your day off, and go treat yourself to a new pair of shoes.”

I wasn't going to tell her that not only did I buy shoes but I bought an entire outfit and accessorized it with a fresh weave. “I might just do that. But right now I'm running late for my date.”

“With who?”

Did I mention she was nosy? “Don't worry about it. It's with someone who knows how to treat a woman like me.”

As soon as I got off the phone, I met Smooth at Lumière Place Casino and Hotel, where we had lunch, then tried our luck at the blackjack table with his money before going up to one of their luxurious suites.

After I rocked Smooth's world, and regained the power Leon momentarily stripped me of, I showered and left the suite first. We never arrived or left together. Smooth was married, and I wasn't trying to break up any happy homes. Besides, I didn't want him. His wife would never have to worry about sharing with me. It was bad enough she had to share her husband with Levitra.

When I reached the parking lot, I looked to make sure no one was around to see what I was doing. I liked keeping my shit private. When I got into my car, I checked my messages and was listening to one from Michael, asking if we could hook up later that evening, when I spotted Smooth coming out the casino. He moved across the parking lot looking cool and confident. He didn't notice me, and that was a good thing. That gave me a chance to check him out. Although he had a big belly, he was definitely good-looking and had confidence. Too bad his dick didn't work on command. But he had enough money to make up for what he was lacking, and that's what made him a wonderful sponsor. Not to mention the eleven hundred dollars now in my wallet. Between him and Michael, I would be able to afford a new house in no time. No matter how long it took, I was determined to show Leon that what hurts me can only make me stronger.

I pulled off and was heading out the lot, in the direction of the highway, when I noticed Smooth climb into a Navigator with personalized license plates and pull off. I couldn't believe it.

C
IMON
.

I walked in the house and Kenyon was already calling me. I didn't understand why the man felt the need to call me all day. I enjoyed him, really I did, but sometimes it got to be a little much. Trinette was right about him, only I wasn't ready yet to admit to her that she had a point. Last thing I needed was for her to rub it in my face that she knew more about Kenyon than I did. But I had to agree since the dust had settled and I had gotten past the lust, Kenyon was starting to smother me.

I have this thing about a man being a man, and nothing is worse than a man being needy. It was Friday and I wanted to spend the evening relaxing after a long week—alone. After leaving the radio station, I went home and had just put my purse down on the bed when my cell phone rang. I didn't even have to look down at the screen to know it was Kenyon.

“Baby, I'm gonna have a few drinks with Jay.”

“Okay,” I replied, taking a seat on the end of the bed and pulling off my shoes.

“I'm not gonna be out all night or get drunk, but you know my boy, he'll be drunk before ten, and someone needs to drive him home.”

“Ohhhkay.” I'm not his mother. I didn't know why he felt the need to tell me every step of his day.

“You sure you don't wanna come out? I would love to have you on my arm.”

Closing my eyes, I tried to keep my temper in check. We had already gone through this earlier. “Kenyon…not tonight. I just wanna take a hot bubble bath and relax.”

“Okay.” There was a pause, and I knew before he spoke he wasn't ready yet to take no for an answer. “You want me to come over and wash your back?”

Kenyon had already been over that week, and I just wasn't in the mood for company. “No. I would really like to relax and catch up on a couple of Netflix movies I haven't had a chance to watch yet.”

“Well, save the action movie for me for tomorrow night, okay?”

“All right,” I said impatiently, wanting to get off the phone and get my weekend started.

“I love you,” he finally said.

“Love you too,” I said quickly, then hung up and flopped back onto the bed.

Don't get me wrong, it felt good having a man in my life. Kenyon was a little over the top at times but very attentive and knew what it meant to take care of a woman. While I bathed, I thought about my feelings for him and couldn't say for sure how I felt anymore. His behavior lately had been a little too much to digest at once. Now I was starting to wonder if I really loved him or if I was on the rebound. I just wasn't sure, and that why I had started distancing myself from him. Kenyon was into me, and ever since Big Mama passed away, I had become dependent on him being there when I needed him. That wasn't necessarily a bad thing, but until I had a chance to sort out my feelings, it was best to keep a little distance, because I was starting to think Kenyon was in way too deep with me. The last thing I wanted to do was break his heart.

After my bath, I moved into the family room and turned on the gas fireplace. It was early March and pretty chilly out. I grabbed a book and wrapped up in a blanket on the couch and read until, at some point, I must have drifted off to sleep. In fact, I was having a good-ass dream when the phone rang.

“Hello?” I said, not sure if I was still asleep or not.

“Hey, Nikki.”

It took a moment for the voice to register, and when it did, I was suddenly wide awake. “Donovan…uh…are you still in Iraq?”

“Yep. It's five in the morning here.”

It felt so strange hearing his voice after almost eight months. I had never expected him to call me again. “I got your letter.”

He cleared his throat. “Yeah…and I just got yours. I'm so sorry about Big Mama. I wish I could have been there.”

A sob filled my throat. “Thanks, that means a lot. Big Mama thought the world of you.” There was a long, uncomfortable silence. “Thanks for calling,” I finally said.

“Nikki, listen…I need to talk you about the letter I sent.” He paused and took a deep breath, and I could tell whatever he was trying to say was difficult. “I wrote that letter because…well…because I didn't think you cared anymore. Then yesterday I got your letters…all five of your letters, and I—”

“All five?” I couldn't believe what he was saying. “You're telling me you didn't receive any of my letters until yesterday?”

“Yeah…crazy, ain't it? I don't know what happened, but they must have been sent to the wrong unit and were just sitting there, because I got all five at the same time.”

My heart was pounding heavily. “I mailed the first letter eight months ago.”

“I know. I noticed the date of the letters and had to call you right away. When I didn't hear from you, I thought maybe you decided to move on.”

“No, I thought that was what
you
wanted. If my memory serves me right, that's exactly what you told me in your letter. Why did you say it was time for us to move on?” I didn't even try to hide the bitterness from my voice.

“I only wrote that letter because I was hurting.”

There was more silence. What did this mean? He never received my letters. Donovan never received
any
of my letters. All this time I thought he was trying to tell me our relationship was over, when in actuality he never received my letters.

“Nikki, there is so much I wanna say, but I don't wanna do it over the phone. I should have never sent you that letter. I should have waited until I got home so we could have talked in person.”

“I agree.” I was just as guilty. I too should have waited until he told me to my face.

“I'm coming home on leave Friday for ten days, and I would like to see you.”

My heart was pounding, and I was afraid to speak. “Okay,” I barely managed above a whisper. There was a long silence and I didn't know what else to say, but just knowing he was on the other end was enough for me.

“I won't keep you, but I had to speak with you and let you know I want to talk.”

“Are…you planning to stay here?”

He gave a strangled laugh. “I guess I hadn't thought about that.”

“You're welcome to stay.” It was his house as well.

“No, it would probably be better if I stay in a hotel.”

I felt stupid for even suggesting such a thing, especially since he was the one who said we needed to move on with our lives. “Okay.”

“I need to check on the barbershop and take care of a few things. I'll call you when I get in, and then I can come out to the house so we can talk.” There was another pause. “You ever get that leak under the sink fixed?”

Tears slid from the corners of my eyes. In the first letter I had written him, I told him there was a slow leak under the kitchen sink. “No.”

“I'll take care of it when I come home.”

I swallowed and took a deep breath. The last thing I wanted was for him to know I was crying. “Okay.”

“Talk to you soon.”

After I hung up, I hugged my pillow. It took a while to digest what Donovan had said. He hadn't received my letters. How in the world had that happened? But more than that, what did it mean for us? All this time I thought he had been ignoring my letters and, despite my telling him I wanted to make our marriage work, he had decided after having some time to think that he wanted a divorce. Instead, all this time, Donovan thought I didn't care. He was a soldier over in Iraq under the impression his wife wasn't the least bit interested in how her husband was holding up. I felt sad for both of us. I had already written our relationship off and had even started a new one with another man, even though I knew in my heart something wasn't right. Now I knew why. Our relationship wasn't over quite yet.

I lay there for a long time, thinking about how I would feel when I saw him standing at my door again.

Donovan was right. He didn't need to stay at the house. The situation would be awkward for both of us. This way we could talk without feeling pressured. Maybe nothing would come of us seeing each other, but it needed to be done. I didn't dare allow myself to start thinking, what if. Our marriage had grown apart long before Donovan had left, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to salvage the relationship even if we could. I lay there for the longest time wishing Big Mama was still around so I could talk to her. She always had the answer.

I didn't get much sleep, and around seven I finally got up, took a shower and started cleaning up the house. I had just shut off the vacuum when I heard the phone ring.

“Good morning. You want some breakfast?”

I smiled at the sound of Kenyon's voice. “What are you getting?”

“I'm down near Mama's House and said, you know what, let me see if my baby wants some pancakes.”

“That sounds good. I'll make coffee.”

“I'll be there in a bit.”

I hung up, smiling. I had a new man in my life and had already started building a new life for myself. I wasn't sure if I wanted to turn back at this point.

I took a shower and was dressed in jeans and a T-shirt by the time Kenyon arrived.

“Hey,” he said with that beautiful smile on his face. He gave me a kiss.

He looked good in blue jeans and a Nike sweater shirt. He shrugged out of his jacket and draped it over the end of my couch. I watched as he moved into the kitchen carrying a plastic bag of food. I smelled it and my stomach began to growl. I followed him.

“I wasn't sure what you wanted so I got everything.”

“You ain't lying.” There were pancakes, grits loaded with butter, hash browns, scrambled eggs and bacon. Goodness.

“Yeah, but there's nothing like Mama's House.”

“You're right about that.” I poured us both a cup of coffee and had a seat.

“How'd you sleep?” he asked.

“Not too good.” I waited until we were both sitting at the table before I continued. I figured it was a good idea to be honest. “Donovan called.” I decided the only way for us to have a relationship was to be totally honest.

“Really?” he said, then took a sip.

“Yes. He'll be home on leave this weekend and he wants to come by and talk.”

Kenyon was quiet. “What do you think about that?”

“I think we need to talk.”

He was quiet for a while, and I didn't miss the muscle at his jaw twitching. Donovan contacting me was not at all what he wanted to hear.

“I agree. I think you need to talk so the two of you can get this over with and move on. Like you said, the relationship is over. So yeah, you
do
need to talk. But I'm not worried, 'cause you're my baby now. Right?” He looked over at me with those gorgeous eyes, and I smiled.

“Yes, I'm your baby.”

“I told you, Nikki. I love you and I'm not going anywhere.” The look in his eyes told me he meant every word.