Clearer in the Night (37 page)

Mom turned toward me, and for the first time in a decade, she saw me. “No,” she said. “No, I didn’t.”

Silence. Silence ringing in my ears. How could silence be so loud? I stood up, my chair clattering to the floor behind me. I stared at my sister. Who’d taken my place, in the life I was supposed to have. I picked up the mug of hot chocolate that we’d made together, and I flung it at the wall as hard as I could, watching as it shattered—exploded—just one more stain. And then everything was screaming loud. Mom was shouting, exclaiming that I was a freak, that I always had been, that she and Dad had fought about me for years, about what to do with crazy Caitie who could read your mind without even knowing that she was doing it, and I didn’t know if she was talking out loud or if I was hearing her thoughts. “For a little while after your sister died, I thought maybe you’d be normal, maybe I could learn not to be afraid of you, but you never stopped, not really, you just got better at hiding.” I didn’t see her mouth move, but I heard her, and she knew I heard her. Sophie was staring at me with horror and confusion, and I was the one that no one wanted.

“I’ll go,” I said, into the silence. I didn’t know if they heard me or not. “Just let me get my things.” I slipped past Mom without touching her—the wolf inside of me would kill her if I touched her. I’d sprout claws like Wolverine and rip out her heart—and went up the stairs. I’d hardly unpacked the few things I’d brought from my apartment, and it was simple to put the clothes, the laptop, and the eBook, back into my duffle bag. But this time, I wasn’t coming back. I knew that. I turned in a slow circle, looking for anything that I might want buried with me. Yearbooks, pictures, a diary?

No. Let it all burn.

As I walked heavily down the stairs, Sophie stared up at me. “I’m so sorry,” she said. “This isn’t what I wanted. I’ll talk to her.”

I shook my head. “This has been a long time coming. I’ll manage. But…she drinks too much, and her finances are a mess. She’s on the edge of losing the house. You’ll need to help her.”

“Of course,” she said. “I’ll call you. I’ll let you know how she is.”

“It’s better if you don’t.” I swallowed hard. “I may have to…leave, soon. Anyway. For…work. So she’s yours, now. Take care of her, okay?”

“I’m sorry,” she said again.

I nodded as I slipped past her. Mom was in the kitchen, pouring whiskey into a water glass. I thought of hugging her, or telling her I loved her, but it hurt too much to try one more time to cross that bridge, just to be shoved away yet again. I walked past her, and out the door.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 18

By the time I got to my apartment, I was shaking and crying. I had no idea if Shannon would even let me in. As freaked as she might have been, it was unlikely she’d close the door in my face. She’d probably let me stay for a few days, at least. But I knocked instead of using my key.

When she opened the door, I watched her flash from surprise, to concern, to finally a sort of resigned sadness. She didn’t say anything, just gathered me in and closed the door behind me. We sat down on the couch, and I tried to tell her what had happened, but I couldn’t get the words out between the sobs. After a couple of hours, she gave up. She wrapped a blanket around my shoulders and excused herself to her room. Maybe she thought I couldn’t hear her once she closed the door? “Hi,” she said, once a voice picked up the line she’d called. “I, uh, know that I wasn’t supposed to call this number unless she…but something is wrong. You need to send someone.” She ended the call, then came out and sat down again, putting her hands over mine and giving me the softest, sweetest look of concern that money could buy.

“Do they pay you well,” I asked her, “to watch me? Do you report on everything I do?”

She only hesitated a moment before nodding. “It was the only way to pay for school. Mom helped with my BA, but the Masters tapped us out, and I wanted a PhD after my name.” She let out a big sigh, and there was my friend again, reaching out for me. I brushed her hand away. “I was worried about you, Cait. They said they could help you. They said they were helping you. That you knew what was happening. And I…I wanted to see you happy and healthy again.”

“Were we ever friends?”

It wasn’t cold anger in her eyes, but red-hot hurt. “Of course we were, Cait. The problem was that you stopped letting me in. I had to do something. I wasn’t going to be one more person who just gave up and let you die.” She stood up and stormed back to her room. I sat still until Eli came to collect me.

Once Eli got there, Shan didn’t come out of her room. I kept replaying what she’d said, and the hurt look in her eyes, over and over in my brain, but they didn’t make any more sense than they had when she’d first come clean with them.

The easy familiarity that Eli and I had shared over that week was gone. He glanced at me, every so often, but he hardly said anything to me, just “Anything else you need?” as he lifted up my duffle. I shook my head, trying to think of a way to mention that awful text message. To put into words how much it stung. How much I’d needed him to make a different choice.

He watched me for a moment, then tried on that grin that had melted my knees forty-eight hours ago. “Come along, Pond,” he said, and the geek reference made someone that I used to be smile, but my own lips were too tired and stiff to bend. His eyebrows bent together for a moment, and then he forced himself back into business mode. He reached out a hand for mine, and I took it. I didn’t want to, but I was sure that if I stood up without being tethered to the earth somehow, I would just float away.

His car was an old, American-made beater that looked like it was held together with prayers and duct tape. I adored it instantly, and I went and sat in the passenger’s seat while he tossed my bag into the backseat.

“How long has she been spying on me?” I asked.

“Shannon?” he replied as he slid into the driver’s seat and twisted the key in the ignition.

“Are there other people spying on me?”

“The way I hear it, no one else wanted the job.” He glanced at me as he reversed out of the apartment’s parking lot. “On some level, she did it to protect you.”

“If she was protecting me, she would have told me.”

“If you’d known, Clara would have had her replaced.” He made ‘replaced’ sound like ‘quietly killed, down at the docks.’ Meredith Falls didn’t have docks, but I let it go. “She cares about you.”

“Not to hear her tell it.”

“She’s scared for you. And for herself.”

“So is this the end?” In a strange way, the thought that I might finally, incredibly, be done was so wonderful that I felt myself melt into the seat.

Another glance my way. “Giving up so soon?”

“I had a dream last night. I couldn’t…control it. I couldn’t control the dream, and I couldn’t stop myself from projecting. It’s not like I’m going to be able to contain an ancient spirit of nature when it tries to take over.”

“When was that ever the plan?”

“Better than yours.”

He sighed. “Look, if it’s just an issue of squeamishness—”

“It’s an issue of it being wrong to kill an innocent person. Show me proof, any kind of proof, that Sophie is the monster you say she is and we’ll talk, but until then …”

“We are running out of time, Cait. The kind of proof you want isn’t easy to come by until the moon changes, and by then, it’ll be too late for you.”

“Then it’s too late for me.” I leaned my head against the headrest and enjoyed the feeling of the wind over my face. “Where are we going? Back to the secret hideout?”

“No,” he said, and his tone was harsher than I’d expected. “Why did you leave?”

I barked out a laugh. “Your message made it pretty clear that you didn’t want me there.”

“What message?” He looked all careful and concerned, like he actually had no idea of what I was talking about.

“You said you’d be there in twenty minutes. You weren’t there an hour later, and you sent me a text that said it was all a mistake, and you’d see me in the morning.”

His face turned dark, his lips pressing together into a thin line. “I see.”

“Did you not send that?” My heart lifted up, and I tried to squash it down, tried to keep my distance, and the soft fuzz of peace around me, but it was hard, it was incredibly hard. Impossible even.

“There was an emergency. I asked for a message to be sent to you, letting you know I’d be back as soon as possible. Clearly, something was lost in translation. I’m sorry. I certainly didn’t want you to think that I didn’t want to be with you.”

It was useless. My whole self was buoyed up with hope. “Do you? Want to be with me?”

He didn’t say anything, just gave me a small smirk, then reached over and gently kneaded my knee.

We drove just outside of town, then circled back around towards the lake. He parked the car in the middle of a corn field, then shut off the ignition and climbed out of the car, reaching into the back seat for my duffle. I slipped out of the car behind him. “We’re in the middle of a field,” I said, just in case he hadn’t realized.

He flashed a grin at me, and this time it did make my knees go weak. “Come along, Pond,” he said again. He started ducking between rows, and I followed, trying my best to dodge the sharp leaves as they rustled in a breeze only they could feel. The sun was full in the sky, beating down on the back of my neck.

“So, about this field,” I said. “Are you leading me to another secret base?”

“It’s nothing even remotely so sexy.”

I laughed. “You’re going to be there. I’m sure it’ll be sexy enough.” There was a tinge to my voice, something not me, and he heard it the same time I did. “Am I safe with you, Eli?” I asked, in that same voice that wasn’t entirely mine.

He turned to me as I caught up to him. “Am I safe with you, Cait?” He was a whisper away from me, and his hands closed lightly over my wrists. “Are you in control of the monster? Of yourself?” He moved slowly closer to me, whispering his words into my mouth.

It took everything in me to step back from him and bend my lips into a smile. “Of course.”

He looked pleased. “Good.”

And then, to spite him, I stepped in again, pressing my lips to his before he stepped away. He groaned, deep in his chest, and his hands weren’t light anymore, they were iron bands circling my wrists. I felt him react to me as I opened my mouth to him, twisting my tongue inside of him, bending my arms behind my back to press him, shoulder to thigh, against me. He broke off the kiss, gasping, but he didn’t let go of me. I couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled up. “Thing for redheads, right?” I said.

“Sure.” He was breathless. “We’ll call it that.” He turned away, walking gingerly, and I smirked.

We stepped out of the rows of corn and found ourselves in a little meadow, which surrounded a small cottage, nestled in marsh and willows. You could throw a stone from the front door, and it would hit the lake. In the softening light, I could see a dock stretching out on the water. I thought of relaxing on it, trailing my fingers through the liquid softness of the cool lake water, minnows darting between my fingers. I thought of Eli’s frame looking down on me, girded with sunlight.

But even at high noon, I could feel the moon, on the other side of the world. In time, in its due time, it would rise up in the sky. It was twisting me, turning me. It was making the beast pace inside of me, looking for a crack, a chink, a way to freedom. She’d get to change her girl-shape for her right-shape soon, and she knew it. She was just biding her time.