Chosen Heart (35 page)

Cole’s actions and words have hurt you,
which caused you to doubt everything I’ve ever said or felt about you.  I
need you to know that my heart is not with him…it’s with you.  It’s been
you since the moment you kissed me; possibly even before that.  All I’ve
ever wanted is you.

In my eyes, Cole is nothing but a
friend; a troubled friend, but still a friend.  If you haven’t been able
to tell, I’m not good with letting people into my life, and even worse at
letting them go.  I’ve gotten good at avoiding the situation entirely,
which is why I haven’t had a relationship since him.  I guess I thought if
I avoided getting attached to someone, I would never have to feel the way I
felt when my parents were taken away from me.  But, the other night, I
felt it.  I felt my heart being ripped from my chest when you asked for
time away.  I’m not trying to make you feel bad, because I understand your
decision.  I’m just trying to be honest.

I guess what I’m asking of you is to
please see past the drama, remember how happy we were, even if it was for just
a brief moment.  I’m hoping there’s still a chance you’ll let me be your
girl.

Your Hart,

Elyssa

I re-read the letter and then
carefully fold and place it in an empty envelope
.
 
Please tell
me there’s still a chance, Alex; that you haven’t given up on me. 
Knowing
I can’t leave my letter on his desk, I realize I’ll have to drop it by his
house tonight.  How I wish that a simple peanut butter and banana sandwich
could make this situation disappear and make him forget his heartache. 

~~~~~

His driveway is painfully
long.  The garden lights highlight the exterior as I park under one of his
gigantic palm trees.  My stomach is in knots as my nerves get the best of
me.  Staring at the passanger seat, at the care package I made for him, I
start to panic.  At the time, a simple wicker basket, a loaf of bread, a
jar of peanut butter, and a couple of bananas seemed like the perfect vessel
for my apology letter.  But, what if he doesn’t like it?
  This was
something his grandmother did for him.  What if he thinks I’m being too
pushy?  Or worse, not giving him the time he needs?
 

It’s now or never.  Letting
out a deep breath, I take a moment before exiting the car with the basket in
tow.  As I approach his front door, I set the basket down and retreat as
quietly as I came.  I don’t want to cause a scene, nor do I want to look
pathetic in the eyes of the man I’m falling in love with.  But, of course,
why would anything about this situation come easy.  My escape is
interrupted by the creek of the opening door. 
Please don’t be Alex,
please don’t be Alex…

Turning to face my broken heart,
I’m stunned.  I must have interrupted his workout because standing before
me is the epitome of my perfection, leaning against the door frame in grey
sweats, sans shirts, hair drenched in sweat with a towel draped around his
shoulders. 
God, I miss him.
  We stand there for what seems
like an eternity, staring in each other’s eyes; raw green to chilled
blue.  Breaking the tension, Alex looks down into the basket.  His
cheeks redden at my gesture.

“Peanut butter and banana’s,
huh?” he grins, but the smile doesn’t reach his eyes.  I try to approach,
to bridge the distance, but Alex shuts me down with one hand.

Looking down, utterly
embarrassed, I stutter, “I d-didn’t mean to b-bother you.  I know you need
more time, b-but I wanted to give you something to think about,” I point
towards the basket. 

“Elyssa, you’re all that I’ve
thought about,” he pauses, waiting for me to catch my breath.  He reaches
down to pick up the basket, “Thank you.  I don’t know what else there is
to say.”  Picking through the items, he grabs my letter. 

I can’t be here while he reads
it.  I have to get out of here, but my body won’t retreat.  All I
want to do is run and jump into his arms. 
Be strong, Ely! 
“I’ll
see you tomorrow.”  
Please stop me, Alex.  Please…

He doesn’t say anything, letting
our eyes meet one last time.  He is a man of many faces, but at the
moment, all I can see is grief.  He can’t even look at me without feeling
heartache.  Have I really damaged him that much?  I close my eyes and
take a deep breath before turning towards my car.  Alex, still standing at
the door, continues to stare as I start my engine and make my way home. 

Please God, let him still want
me.  I don’t know what I’d do if I lost him.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

I’m on edge as I walk through the
large double doors leading into the banquet hall.  Arriving only thirty
minutes ago, I didn’t leave much time to pull myself together before having to
deal with Alex, and my impending doom.  Thankfully, the valet attendant
was extra helpful and offered to have my bags brought up to my room, leaving me
just enough time to slip into the bathroom and give myself a once over before
heading to the conference. 

Even though I’m dressed
confidently in my candy apple red pencil skirt and matching blazer, my insides
are tied in knots.  And without our normal day-to-day obstacles, I’m
hoping the next three days will be the band aid we need to repair our bent, not
broken, relationship.  Eager to face my heart, and possible heartbreak, I
enter the conference with purpose. 

Ushered in by the helpful members
of the hotel staff, I saunter towards three women sitting at the simple white
check-in desk.  A young blonde woman smiles as she hands me a copy of the
itinerary.  “Your name?” looking up at me, she brings her pen to rest on
her bottom lip. 

“Elyssa Hart.”  As her eyes
retreat to the list of names, mine follow hoping to catch a glimpse of Alex’s
name to see if he’s already checked in. 

Damn, she’s too fast.  With
a checkmark next to my name she offers a sharpie and a blank name tag. 
Wasting no time, I scribble my signature and place it on the lapel of my jacket
before I say my thanks and head off towards the ocean of tables awaiting
me.  Although my tag reads, “Elyssa Hart, Salerno Health,” I feel nothing
like myself at the moment.  My confidence has waned and I hate feeling as
if I’m headed into a firing squad.  Will Alex persecute me or will he
offer amnesty?  I really hope it’s the latter. 
Might as well go
find out.  Just rip off the band aid and see what the damage is, Ely!

The banquet hall is radiating a
light periwinkle color as tall exquisite pillars are lit, mimicking the feel of
the ocean outside.  The soft blue glow encompasses the room as the flow of
business suits move from table to table.  Making my way through the crowd,
the sea of handshakes crash around me and anxiety washes over me. 
Breathe,
Ely, Breathe. 
Walking through the circular tables, I notice on top of
the crisp white linen cloths are square bowls filled with sand and sea
shells.  What a clever way to include the marine like theme of the
hall.  Small name placards taped to the back of each seat are my only clue
as to where I belong.

Trying to shake the feeling of
unease, I attempt to look nonchalant as I glance at the chairs, hoping to find
my name.  Soon after my search begins, the feeling of unease disappears,
an eerie feeling replacing it; a feeling of being watched.  Alex’s gaze is
on me as he sits three tables away.   I’m frozen in my tracks as I
return his stare; the movement of the crowd still stirring around me. 
Something’s different; the way he’s looking at me reminds me of the first time
we saw each other.  There’s no rage, no indifference, just his smile and
those dimples I love so much.  Doubt cuts me; maybe he’s only being polite
seeing as though we are business associates.  I shake the need to run to
him, to close the physical and emotional distance between us.  Instead,
all I can do is raise my hand and wave with a shy grin.

Waving me over, he taps the seat
next him.  The first time in days that we’ll be so close to one another,
and without any discussion, we both must play our roles.  Approaching him,
his eyes run over my body, drinking me in with appreciation.  His lips
part as he exhales.  Toying with his bottom lip, his eyes continue their
aggressive descent over my curves.  I knew this outfit would get his
attention, but now that I’m here, I’m not so sure it was the best idea. 
Him looking at me, with those eyes…
BREATHE.
 

“Hello, Mr. James,” I smile, not
wanting to attract more attention than I already have.  I see how the
other people are reacting to my presence; wide eyed, mouths dropping as their
conversations end.  When I got dressed this morning I was shooting for
provocative, yet professional.  The plunging neckline of my midnight black
lace body suit was more on the provocative side, the skirt and blazer being the
professional component.  I only wanted Alex to notice me, not the rest of
the conference.  But, if that’s what it takes, so be it. 

Alex rises from his seat as I
inch closer, pulling a chair out for me. 
Always the gentleman. 
I
take advantage of the moment and remove my jacket and hang it on the back of my
chair before sitting down.  I smirk as I notice Alex eyeing my breasts as
he pushes my chair in from behind; my breasts unintentionally bouncing with
each movement forward.  “Thank you, Mr. James,” I flutter my eyes before
looking up at him through my long lashes. 
I know, I know.  Sex
isn’t a weapon, but hey, a girls got to do what a girls got to do, and right
now…I’m desperate.

Running his hand across the back
of his neck, Alex returns to his seat and immediately begins to introduce me to
our breakfast companions.

“Gentlemen, this is my Sales
Executive, Elyssa Hart,” Alex points to me as greetings from around the table
seem to come all at once.  Of course, everyone seated around me are men,
brokers from different firms from across the country.  I’m completely
absorbed as he makes introductions but grow anxious as the men continue to gape
at me, as if they are waiting for me to perform a trick. 

Probably in an effort to pull the
unwanted attention from me, Alex begins to ask the table for their thoughts
about the future of health care.  With the upcoming changes with the
Health Care Reform., the responses from the table are plenty, and extremely
dull, but I appreciate the diversion.  Their chatter is background noise
compared to the beat of my heart. 

Even though he’s engaged in the
discussion, Alex continues to steal glances through the corner of his
eye.  And every time I catch him, the drum in my chest thumps
louder. 

Soon, the banter is interrupted
by an announcement from a woman standing at a podium to our far left. 
Looking like a giant plum in all purple, her voice booms from the
speakers.  “Breakfast is served.  Please help yourselves. 
Afterwards, we’ll have a little meet and greet session and then a break will
proceed.  After the break, please head to the conference room for the
first session on ‘Introduction to Sales Performance Management.’”

All at once, herds of people rise
from their tables, heading towards the buffet area.  More nervous than
hungry, I stay back and unexpectedly, so does Alex.   We’re finally
alone and my hands start to shake. 
I wasn’t expecting it to be this
soon
. 
Don’t panic, Ely!  He won’t give up on you…he can’t,
you’re his Hart.

I flex my unsteady fingers,
before toying with my ring, trying to calm myself.  I don’t know where his
head is and I don’t want to be pushy, so instead I just sit. 
Say
something, please?
  Alex is mute as he glances around the tables,
giving the buffet line a once over before granting me his undivided
attention.  It’s unnerving watching his sober face.

The awkward silence continues for
a few minutes before he leans over to whisper in my ear.  “I thought I was
the one avoiding you?”  I look at him, puzzled at his choice of
words.  “You didn’t have to drive just so you wouldn’t have to deal with
me?  I actually wanted to talk before we got here, but you didn’t get on
the plane!”  Irritation and astonishment flicker through his face.  I
have to catch myself as I almost laugh at his pretentious words. 

“Is that what you thought? 
That I was avoiding you?” 
Why would he think that?  Haven’t I
told him about my parents? 
Thinking back through our previous conversations,
I assumed he would have put two and two together; but, apparently not. 
His insecurities have crept in, his longing eyes search my face for the
assurance he needs, for a glimpse of an explanation.  I shake my head, “I
got the okay to drive because I’m afraid of flying.”  With the tension in
his shoulders instantaneously lifted, his body relaxes against the back of his
seat.

“When you weren’t at the airport,
I thought you didn’t want to see me.  And then, when they called for last
boarding and you weren’t there, I thought…” 
For someone who was
supposed to be avoiding me, he was pretty eager to have me near.  Do I
dare hope?

“You were worried about me…,” I
break eye contact, fixing my attention on my ring as I twirl it, around and
around. 
Please help me, mom.  I need you right now.  Keep me
upright; I can’t fall now.
  Trying to suppress the grin that’s
threatening to spread across my lips, I continue.  “Thank you for still
caring.”  I look at him sideways, waiting for a sign of what he’s thinking. 
There is so much I want to tell him, but don’t know if I’ll ever get the
chance.  Sitting here with him, it feels as though a wall is starting to
come down.  But, I can’t read him and as frustrating as it is, I know I
can’t push.  I want him to want me, not out of pity, but because he feels
the same.