Chosen Heart (32 page)

“Where are you taking me?”

“Home,” is all I can
muster.  Anger radiates through my pores as I look over at Cole.  If
I didn’t feel partially responsible for his bloody face, I would reach over and
punch him myself. 

“What about my Jeep?”

“Fuck your Jeep!  I’m not
going back there.”  I can’t say any more to him right now.  Alex has
already made Cole wish he never came to the fundraiser, what are my words of
anger going to do that his fists haven’t already done.

My tires screech as we come to a
halt outside of Cole’s apartment.  “We’re here, can you get up?”

“I’m not a fucking
invalid!”  Trying to hide his wounded ego, he attempts to pulls himself up
and out of the car.  Approaching the passenger door, I cringe as I get a
closer look at his face.  His right eye and cheek are slowly starting to
swell. 

“Give me your keys.”  He
fishes in his pocket and grudgingly hands them over.  I can’t wait for
him.  Knowing that because of me, Alex is out there, hurt and fuming, I
rush to open Cole’s front door.  Leaving it propped open, I retreat to the
confines of my car as I pass him already making his way up the walkway.

“Thanks,” he whispers as he
passes by me. 

“Do you need anything?”

“No!  I think you’ve done
enough.”  Cole reaches the door, slamming it behind him.  I don’t
know how much more of this I can take.  Alex is mad at me.  Cole is
mad at me.  What else can go wrong?

I need to talk to Alex, to
straighten whatever just happened, out.  Of course, when I call his cell,
it goes directly to voicemail. 
Think, Ely.
  Trying to figure
out where he went is hard when I know so little about him.  I need to know
what’s going on in his head.  I need to know that Cole hasn’t ruined what
little chance I had for happiness.  Our chance for happiness.

Starting up the engine, I head in
the only place I know to check, and I hope to God he’s there.

My stomach is
curled in knots as I speed up Alex’s long driveway.  I've already tried
calling him three times, and wasn't surprised when my calls were sent directly
to voicemail.  No, not surprised, but I’d be lying if it didn’t wound my
already broken heart.  Giving it one more shot…  
Ring…Ring…Hi, you’ve reached
Alex...
 
Really, Alex?  That’s even worse.  At least before, I knew his phone
was shut off.  And now?  Now I know he’s screening his calls and
purposely not talking to me. 
His phone being shut off was him
purposely not talking to you, too, Ely.  Whatever!

I know how
things appear, but if he’d just talk to me, I’d tell him anything and
everything he wants to know.  I need to set things right with him, to get
back to our happy place.  The place we were this morning.  Even at
breakfast, when my anxiety was at its peak, it didn't stop our little showers of
affection.  We still fed each other bites of our pancakes and held hands
under the table.  I want to go back to that moment, to feel like his girl
again.

His car is
absent as I pull up to the front of his house.  I know he could have
parked in the garage, but the pit of my stomach tells me otherwise.  I'm
afraid, afraid of what he might do, or what he might say.  What if he
rejects me?  My heart would shatter into a million pieces.  With a
deep breath, and a heavy heart, I exit the car and walk towards his front door,
still trying to figure out what I’m supposed to say.  What can I
say? 
Alex I’m sorry, please don’t hate me?  It’s not what you
think.  
Nothing seems right when all I really want to tell him is how
I feel.  
Alex, I’ve fallen for you.  I can’t imagine my world
without you in it.  Alex...I think I love you.

I knock softly
on the oak door.  No answer.  Knocking again, I stare blankly at the
unopened door.  Still no answer.  After a few minutes of numbness,
I'm just about to give up when I notice the ornately decorated doorbell popping
out at me.
Ring me damn it.
  I can't give up.  With a last
ditch effort at his home, I ring the bell; soft chimes echo through the wooden
door.  I listen closely for any sign of movement, but still no
answer.  Turning to head back to the car, the door creeps opens and panic
sets in.  But, instead of the beautiful blue eyes of my love, I’m met with
the soft curious eyes of Delores.

“Sorry to bother you…I was
looking for Alex,” I stammer.  What was I thinking?  In my quest to
right all the wrongs in my relationship, I hadn’t thought of how my actions
would affect others.  “Delores, I’m sorry if I woke her.”

“Mr. James left about ten minutes
ago, Ms. Hart,” she mentions sweetly, not even bothering to bring up Nana.

“Call me Elyssa, please.  He
didn’t mention where he was headed, did he?”

“No, Ms.
Ha…Elyssa.”  With grief pulling down my lips, Delores’ facial expression
changes to one of pity.

“Sorry again for bothering
you.  If he calls or comes home, will you let him know I was here?” 
Turning, I stagger back to my car as tears stream down my face.

“Elyssa?”
 I turn, blotting my tears with the back of my hand.  “I've been with
Mr. James and Miss Molly for over two years.  If it means anything, I’ve
never seen Mr. James as happy as he’s been the past couple of weeks.”

It does mean something…it means
everything.  It means hope.

“Thank you,
Delores.”  She’s given me what I needed, reigniting my quest to find
him.  Still no return calls, I try him again. Three rings this time, but
again my call goes to voicemail.  
Think hard, Ely.  Where would he
go?

Suddenly, through the haze, a
light bulb goes off.  I know where he is.

~~~~~

With the sun
setting, I can picture the view from Red Rock; the one place Alex goes to find
solace.  But, I’m no longer his own personal Red Rock.  Now I’m just
a horrid memory. 

The twenty
minute drive is torturous, but as I race around the corner, relief hits me the
moment I see the taillights of Alex’s BMW.  Parking directly behind his
car, I block him in.  He’ll have no choice but to talk to me.

As I sit in my car, inhaling
deeply, I try and steady myself before walking into the firing squad.  How
do you prepare for this type of standoff?  All I can hope is that Alex can
see past the anger and realize the depths of my love for him.  I can’t
have him walk away from me, not now.  Not with our beginning only starting
a few short hours ago.  I haven’t had enough time with him yet.  Then
again, anything short of forever wouldn’t do.  I exhale, the shakiness of
my hands steady for a brief moment as I grip the door handle. 
It’s now
or never.

Exiting the car, I take a few
steps forward and stop.  Alex is sitting on the hood of his car; his arms
folded across his chest as he stares out at the setting sun.  Splashes of
purple and gold blanket the afternoon sky; it’s beautiful.  He’s
beautiful.  With his eyes set in a petrified glare, his anger radiates,
even through his side profile.

The scene is set in front of me,
the majestic wonderment of nature as the backdrop, my indifferent heart front
and center.  This is my purgatory.  So much beauty, yet completely
out of my reach; even in this moment I can feel him pulling away from me.

“Alex?” I call out, testing the
waters.  He was furious earlier and I can’t be sure of his reaction. 
And, to tell the truth, I’m scared. 

Unmoved he responds, “You
obviously didn’t get the picture, so let me make it clear for you.  I
don’t want to talk to you, nor do I want to see you.”  With my arms
clinging to my chest, I feel a sharp stab as his words cut through me. 
Keep
going, Ely.  You need to do this!

“Alex it’s not what you think,”
my voice is shaky. 
Stay strong.  You have to do this!

“It’s not what I think,
huh?  I’m pretty sure
I’m
clear on things, or should we go over
it?”  I don’t move, instead I stare at the back of his head, willing him
to turn around and look at me.  “The girl I thought I had a relationship
with, lied to me.  According to her, her ex meant nothing, but in reality
she’s still fucking him.  No, I’m pretty sure it
is
what I think,”
his voice monotone, he remains completely still.

“I
need
you to
understand,” my voice trembles, making me stop.  My strength is fading,
making it hard to breath.  There’s so much say, so much he needs to know; things
that even Cole doesn’t know about.  I know this isn’t the time or place to
peer into my past, but he has to understand, he has to know it’s not just about
him. 

Quick to respond, he still
doesn’t look at me.  The bold sky has captured his full attention and I
don’t know how to show him the truth without ripping myself open and spilling
myself out in front of him.  “Understand what?  That you made me fall
for you and then you used me.  Used me in your sick and twisted game to
what…make him jealous?  If all you were after was a good fuck, you should
have just said so.  I would have given it to you without any questions
asked.”  The vulgarity of his words cut me deep, and like a double edged
sword, his remarks continue to swipe through me.  “You used your
alleged
innocence to lure me in, but I guess the only way to hook the devil is to use
an angel as bait.”

“NO!” I finally find my
voice.  My screams echo through the darkness creeping in from all
directions.  “Alex, I never pretended anything with you.  I’ve told
you time and time again, there is nothing going on with me and Cole.  I
don’t know how to make you believe me.”

“Make me understand then,
Elyssa!  Why in the fuck did he show up at your apartment?  And then
at the fundraiser?  Make me understand why he basically said he’s been
fucking you this entire time?” he chokes, slight emotion finally showing
through his stoned demeanor.  He’s been so apathetic this entire time; I
thought I was too late.

“Alex, Cole is…you don’t
understand him.  But, he doesn’t matter.  What matters is that I
haven’t been with anyone but you.”

“You keep saying that I don’t
understand.  Make me understand.  I can’t fathom any reason why, or
how you could be with someone like him.”  Finally turning his head, we
make eye contact.  Frustration etched into his chiseled, turbulent face,
he’s clearly on edge.  With each silent minute that passes, his anger
continues to build.  I need to say something.  “None of this makes
any fucking sense to me.  I don’t know what to believe.  I left you
for four goddamn days to sort my shit out and you go and fuck him the moment
that I’m gone!” he yells. 

I hate that he’s being so
unreasonable.  I never imagined keeping my best friend in my life would
cause this much anguish.  This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.  “I
don’t know why Cole’s acting this way.  I’ve never seen him like this
before, but then again…I haven’t had a boyfriend since him.  He probably
would’ve reacted the same way if someone else came along.  But that’s the
thing, there hasn’t been anyone until YOU.  Can’t you see?  It’s only
you.  It’s only been you!”  I’m on the verge of breaking down,
pleading with him.

“Why do you continue to defend
him?  Keep him in your life?” he pauses.  “No, you know what, forget
it.  I don’t want to know.  Just tell me one thing, why did you
protect him?  Why, Elyssa?  Do you know how close I came…” his voice
trails off.

“Close to what?” I breathe. 
Something, maybe the rigidness in his body, tells me that I don’t want to know
the answer.

“To hurting you,” Alex
mumbles.  That would have ended us, the moment his fist made contact, Alex
would never have been able to forgive himself.  The abuse his mother
endured against the fists of his father was too much for a child to bear. 
Alex could not live with himself knowing he caused me harm; regardless of his
intentions. 

“I jumped on him to protect you,
not him.  You were so angry and I knew you weren’t going to stop.”  A
knot builds in my throat, sending a chill down my spine.  I know exactly
what would have happened if I hadn’t jumped in front of Alex’s fists.  I
knew I was taking my chances, but it had to be done.  I had to stop him
before he did something he would regret.

“But…I could have hurt you. 
That would have destroyed us.”  Alex’s warning is a wakeup call.  If
there is even a glimpse of hope for us now, I need to take the chance and just
tell him the truth.

“I know, but I couldn’t have you
ruin your future because of me.”  He needs to trust me as I trusted him
not to hurt me.  I have to make him understand why I am the way I
am.  And, I have to do it now, before I lose all hope and courage. 
The painful memories of my past are something I never wanted to relive. 
But, I’m willing to reopen the wound and let Alex see the ugliness inside,
maybe then he can see past Cole’s veil of lies.

“You asked me why I defend him,
why I keep him in my life, but yet you’ve never pushed for the full reason I
broke up with him.  You always took me at my word and I’m thankful for
that.  And right now, I know I don’t deserve the chance to explain, but I
need you to trust me.  And if that means exposing myself, I’ll do
it.  I’ll do it because I can’t lose you.  I need you to understand.”