Chosen Heart (33 page)

He looks at me and cocks his head
to the side, bemused.  “You’ve only said you didn’t feel for him, the way
he felt for you.”

“That’s true, but, I didn’t just
feel that overnight.  There was something that happened, something that
made me realize I didn’t have the same feelings.”  Staring at me wide eyed
his hand circles, egging for me to continue. 

Taking a deep breath, I play with
the ring on my middle finger in hopes to calm my nerves. 
I could
really use your help right now, mom.
  “I’ve told you that Cole was my
first…you know.”  I stop as Alex closes his eyes, trying to block out the
mental picture of Cole and I intimately involved.  My heart sinks and I’m
not sure if I should continue or just walk away.

“Go on!” he demands, eyes tightly
shut.

“Even after losing my virginity,
something didn’t feel right.  I still wasn’t satisfied.  Cole had big
plans.  He was talking about one day getting married and maybe having
children.”

Alex interrupts me.  “Move
it along, Elyssa.  You didn’t feel the same; blah, blah, blah!  I
already know this part.  I don’t need you to paint me a fucking picture!”

“Can you stop being a jerk and
let me finish!”  I pause, taking a deep breath to regain my
composure.  I know I don’t deserve his sympathy, but he doesn’t have the
right to prosecute me, before I plead my case.  His body softens at my
outburst.  “I always felt damaged, knowing my heart didn’t work the way it
should.  And, knowing how he felt about me, I knew I should’ve had more
feelings, but it just wasn’t the same.  That’s when my world fell
apart.” 

Because I don’t continue, Alex
peaks back at me.  I’m sure what he sees is not a pretty sight.  I’m
on the verge of collapsing when his voice brings me back to the surface. 
“I don’t understand.”

Here goes nothing.
  My words choke in my
throat as I continue my explanation, hoping I don’t have to spell it out for
him.  “I missed my period.” 

“You got pregnant?” he pried,
astonished.

I nod, not being able to admit
the words that have haunted me for so long.  My cheeks dampen, no longer
able to contain my emotions.  “Yes, and to this day I’ve never told Cole. 
Ultimately, that’s what he wanted and I just couldn’t give it to him.  I
researched all my options, but I couldn’t make a decision.  I knew I had
to talk to him.  The day I decided to tell him, he called me to come get
him at the bar.  I was tired of picking up the pieces every time he went
on a bender, which was happening more often.  When I took him to his
apartment, we argued…”  Tears streaming down my face, I take a moment
before ripping off the stitches, exposing my past.  “I know he didn’t mean
to.  He didn’t know I was pregnant.”

Staring at me with his full
attention, Alex is on his feet.  “He didn’t mean to what?”

“I was yelling at him.  I
called him a drunk, and a loser, and I broke up with him.  He reacted…he
slapped me so hard.”  I press my hand against my cheek at the memory of
that night, chills running down my spine.  “When I came after him, my
fists felt like twigs tapping against a stone wall.  I’m sure he meant to
just push me away, but…I fell on top of his coffee table.  I didn’t know
it then, but I’m sure that was the moment I lost the baby.”

“He abused you…”

I ignore his comment and continue
spilling out my deepest, darkest secret.  “When I found out I was
pregnant, I wished and prayed that it would just simply go away.  So in
reality, I got what I wished for, just through an unconventional method. 
The pain of that night was my sacrifice.”

“He fucking abused you…”

I can’t think about his
words.  If I don’t continue I’ll never get it all out.  “The only
person that knows is Rachel and she doesn’t even know what Cole did, she thinks
I just fell.  We never discuss it.”  I choke out my confession,
unable to hide my insecurities.  I wish I could see the look on Alex’s
face, to see his reaction, but I can’t even will myself to raise my head. 
To look into his destroyed face would kill me, dead on my feet. 

“I know I’m a horrible person…I
wished for it and when it happened I wasn’t sad; I was relieved.”

Starting to approach me, he
thinks twice, and growls at me instead.  “Why in the hell didn’t you press
charges?  Better question, why in the fuck is he still in your life,
Elyssa?” 

“Shortly after that happened,
Cole got help.  Part of his program was to make amends to those he
hurt.  I was able to forgive him.  Since then, he’s been sober and we’ve
been friends.  Well, until recently.”

Clearly irritated, Alex is unable
to hide his disgust for my decisions.  “I never imagined you would be that
weak.” 

“Weak?”
What the fuck is that
supposed to mean?

“Yes, weak.  How could you
let him get away with that?”

“It is not weak to forgive; to
see the good in people.”

“Are you fucking serious?” A
gruff, in the form of a mocking laugh, escapes his mouth.  “That mother
fucker hits you, pushes you, causes you to lose a baby, and you still continue
to defend him.” 
Shit…when he puts it like that…but wait, he wasn’t
there.  He doesn’t know. 

“Alex, the only reason I’m
telling you this is because I want you to trust me and if that means reliving
painful memories, memories I chose to leave in the past, then so be it. 
But, I’m not going to stand here and have you judge me and my life’s
decisions.  Especially, coming from someone who has more hatred in him
than anyone I’ve ever met.  You’re going to tell me that you’ve never lost
control?”

Returning to the front of his
car, he shakes his head.  Kneeling, he takes his face into his hands,
resting his elbows on his knees.  “I need you to go, Elyssa.”

“Alex, please…” I beg as I
approach.  Not knowing how he’s going to react, I reach out slowly,
placing my hand on the back of his head.

He flinches, recoiling at my
touch.  “Don’t!  Don’t-touch-me,” he barks through gritted
teeth.  “I need you to go.  My head is fucked up right now, and I
just…I can’t.  Not right now.”

“Just talk to me,” I plead, suffocating
on each word as my knees grow weaker.  “Don’t do this...”

“Elyssa, I can’t!  I can’t
do this!”  His words echo throughout the darkness surrounding us, and for
the first time since I met him…I feel alone.

My legs go limp as I collapse to
the dirt below; gravel cutting into my bare legs as I sob into my hands. 
He’s
leaving me…and I deserve it. 
Karma really is a bitch and she’s in
rare form.  This is payback for all my disastrous choices. 

I can’t move a muscle.  Even
as I hear the crunch of the gravel as he approaches, I’m completely
still.  All I want is for him to take me in his arms, to tell me that
we’re okay.  But, instead I get his wrath.  “Elyssa, get up!”  I
try to move, but my body doesn’t respond.  Alex removes the tension out of
his voice, trying again, “Elyssa, please get up.” 

His words echo, but I remain
frozen.  My mind is flooded with happier times.  Just this morning I
was with the gentlest, most caring man; the man that I’ve fallen for. 
Just this morning we were blissfully happy, waking up together and making
love.  And now…now I’m nothing to him. 
He doesn’t want me
anymore.
  I feel empty, alone, and completely broken. 

“Elyssa!” Alex yells, breaking me
from my frozen reverie.  Dropping to kneel before me, he keeps his
distance, but I can feel his radiating anger attacking my helpless
sorrow.  “I need you to go home.  Can you drive?” 

I should say no.  If only he
would give me more time, I know I can make him see things for what they
are.  I need to reason with him.  I need to make him
understand.  “Alex, please don’t do this…I’m so sorry.  I never meant
to hurt you.”  I reach out to grab a hold of him, but he quickly gets off
the ground, just out of my reach.  My hand falls back, scraping against the
rocks below me, defeated.  With nothing more to fight with, I stand and
almost fall over out of exhaustion, catching myself on his car door. 
Looking up into his grieving blue eyes, I almost lose it.

I reach out for him. 
“Elyssa, don’t!  I’m confused and I need time…time away from you to figure
this out.  Even being here with you right now…you don’t think this is hard
for me?  My heart is telling me to take you into my arms, to hold onto
you, to tell you everything will be okay.  But my mind, my mind knows that
I’ll never forget what I felt today.  So which one do I listen to? 
My heart or my mind.  Cause right about now, I’m going fucking
insane.  Do you understand what could have happened?”

I shake my head.  The longer
I keep him talking, the more time I have to reason with him.

“I could have killed him.  I
wasn’t going to stop.  I wanted him gone, out of the way.”  He
glances down at his busted knuckles and I have to fight the urge to lean down
and kiss them; to kiss away all the pain, to make him forget.  “Then you
jumped in the way and something stopped me.  I didn’t…no, I couldn’t hurt
you.”

“I knew how angry you were and I
didn’t know if, or how you were going to stop.  I couldn’t let it get that
far.  You don’t deserve any of this.  It’s my fault, Alex; I know
it’s my fault.”

“Yes, it is.”  Alex doesn’t
hesitate to place blame and I know I deserve it.

“I know.  And, I know that
I’ve given you every reason to doubt me, but you have to know everything Cole
said wasn’t true.  I need you to believe me, Alex,” I beg.

“Elyssa, you need to go,” his
voice is eerily calm. 

Frantic, I remain frozen, still
trying to reason with him.  “What about us?  What about you’re
Hart?”  He needs to know that I’m still me, that nothing I am, has
changed. 

He gasps and just when I think
I’ve broken through, I’m instantly let down.  He shakes his head, “I don’t
know.  Can you just give me some time?  I think I deserve that much.”

“You do.”  My throat aches
as I choke out the words.

The fight has left me and I’m
exhausted as I make my way back to the car.  I turn, hoping he’ll stop me,
but he does nothing.  He continues to stand with his back facing me,
staring out at the endless darkness in front of him.  “I’m so sorry,
Alex.” 

The sound of my engine startles
me.  I sit waiting, but he doesn’t even glance in my direction.  The
first man I have ever loved is in front of me and I can’t do anything because
he no longer feels the same.  I reverse the car and make my way back down
towards the glowing city as flashes of light spark across the night sky. 
A storm has been building all day and it just came crashing down. 

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Startled awake by the chime of my
phone, my eyes feel heavy and swollen. 
God, please let it be Alex!

*Did you get
home ok?*

My heart thaws slightly. 
He’s worried about me and maybe that means he still cares; maybe there is
hope. 

**I’m home. Are
you ok?**

No response.  My heart
chills again as I slump against my pillows, pulling my blanket over my
head.  Darkness is my only friend as I close my eyes hoping to wake again
with some news, any news, from my heart. 

~~~~~

Jumping from my zombie-like
state, I rush to grab my phone, only to see Rachel’s smiling face on my
screen.  I’m not really in the mood to talk to my bubbly sister, but after
hitting ignore, I decide to answer.  Maybe she’ll give me some comfort and
tell me everything will be okay; even if it won’t.  Besides, if I don’t
answer she’ll just continue to call.

“Hey Rach,” I say groggily.

“El?  Is everything
ok?  You sound like you just woke you up.  It’s five…P M.”

“Just having one of those days,”
I can barely contain my sadness.

“What’s going on?  Is Alex
giving you problems?” she hints, sarcastically.

I break.  Sobs escape my
mouth and I realize in this moment, I need my sister.  “I think I messed
up, Rach.”  Hugging my pillow, I hold my phone tight against my cheek.

“Messed up what?” concern etched
in her voice.

“Where do I begin?  Cole has
been acting really odd lately; pretty much since I started seeing Alex. 
He showed up at my apartment on Friday night, while Alex was here.  He was
drunk and yelling all sorts of craziness outside my front door.  I ended
up slapping him and telling him I never wanted to see him again.”

“You slapped Cole?  What did
the asshole say?”  I love my riled up sister, but I’m not about to tell
her what vile things he was saying. 

“It doesn’t matter.  It’s
over, or at least I thought it was.  Saturday he showed up at my work’s
fundraiser and…”

“And?”  Even when she’s
concerned, she’s still persistent.

“He told Alex that he was
still….ya know…with me.  So they got into a fight and well….” 

“El?”

“Well, I don’t think Alex
believes me when I told him nothing is going on with Cole.  So, I thought
the only way to make him trust me was to explain everything.  Everything,
Rach!  I told him about
why
I broke up with Cole.  You know I
already feel like a horrible person as it is and bringing it up only brought
back the pain.”