Chosen Heart (18 page)

Where do I begin…All I really
know about his personal life is that he lives with his grandmother.  He
doesn’t talk about any other family, or friends for that matter.  “How
long have you lived here?” 

“I moved here when I was ten.” 
Stealing a look at me, his eyes retreat to his now interlocked fingers. 
Have I made him uncomfortable?  After a moment of internal struggle, he
continues.  “My grandmother had moved here a year before my mom got
cancer.  When she got so sick, we came here so my grandmother could help
take care of me.  My mother passed away when I was seventeen and I stayed
here until I went away to college.” 

So many different traumatic
events rattled off, with hardly any emotion.  Reaching across to pull his
unfocused eyes to mine, I can’t help the sorrow I feel for him.  “I’m so
sorry.”  He looks away, but hopefully not before he sees the comprehension
in my face.  I know what it’s like to lose a parent.  I want him to
know I empathize with him, that he’s not alone, but the words get stuck in my
throat.  Instead, I stay silent as he holds me even tighter.

“What about your dad?”

“My dad’s a bastard that can rot
in hell,” he adds through clenched teeth, tightening his grip on my shoulders.

“Sorry, if you don’t want to talk
about it...”  I’m taken back with his callous words.  I don’t want to
cause him any pain, and decide in the future to avoid this topic
entirely.  I want this night to end on a positive note, not with him
recalling bad memories. 

“It’s fine…”  Alex pauses,
searching for the right words to say.

“We don’t have to do this
tonight.”  Reaching out to touch his face, Alex closes his eyes. 
Feeling the warmth passing through us, he pulls me closer, placing soft kisses
on my neck. 

“My turn and don’t get mad.” 
What could he possibly ask that would cause me to get mad?  “Now that I’ve
had the pleasure of meeting what’s-his-face, I don’t get what you could
possibly see in him.  You need to break that down for me.”

“Cole?” I ask, as Alex nods into
my neck.  I knew eventually this question would come up again.  In
the event we’re being honest, I guess this is as good a time as any to give him
a glimpse into my past.  Searching his face, all I can see is genuine
intrigue, and decide that while I’m not ready to reveal everything, I might as
well give him something.

“Cole and I met in college. 
He was my first….you know,” I blush and continue.  “He fell for me and I
tried, but with time I just never felt the same.  Things got too serious
and I knew I had to end things,” I shrug. 

“It’s been years since we’ve been
together, but anytime I’ve needed him, he’s been there for me.  I guess
you can say he’s been the man in my life, without any of the complicated
stuff,” I finish, pushing against Alex’s shoulder.  My relationship with
Cole may have been less complicated, but if complicated is what comes with
Alex, I think I’ll stay.

“Haven’t your previous boyfriends
ever had issues with your
friendship,
or am I the only jealous guy
you’ve met?” 

“There haven’t been any other
boyfriends.  I’ve gone on dates, but I haven’t had a serious relationship
since Cole.”

“I find that hard to
believe.  I see the way men look at you.” 
What men is he talking
about?
  I’m pretty confident that men do look at me, but I guess
lately I’ve been distracted. 

“Well, it’s the truth.  My
sister was just telling me the other day that I’m socially inept.  I don’t
know, maybe that’s why I haven’t had much luck with men.”

“Wait…then why are you on the
shot?”

“I’ve always been on it.  It’s
something that I’ve been fanatical about for awhile now.”  Alex doesn’t
need to know the reason; all he needs to know is that we were safe.

Pulling my legs over his, he
cradles my back, lifting me onto his lap.  “Well, it’s good for us that
you are so obsessive compulsive.  I don’t know how I would’ve been able to
keep my hands off of you, and an impromptu trip to the drug store would have
just killed the mood.”  I giggle as Alex’s mouth reaches my bare skin,
skimming his lips along my breasts. 

“What’s your sister like?” he
asks, snuggling closer to me.

“She is my everything.  Our
parents died when I was fourteen, and Rachel was twenty.  She didn’t have
to, but she gave up everything to raise me.  And, even through all that,
she’s like a ray of sunshine, so full of life and giving.  There’s not
enough money or praise to give back my sister everything she has
sacrificed.  She means the world to me.”

With my arms around his neck, he
stiffens at my declaration.  “Well, you’re one of the lucky ones then.” 
Seemingly uncomfortable with the conversation, Alex changes the topic back to
Cole, continuing to fish for more information.  “How was dinner?”

Knowing that Cole draws up a red
flag for him, I keep my response short and sweet, “It was fine, Alex,” allowing
myself just enough wiggle room to change the topic.  “How long were you
waiting for me?”

“I came after I left work, so
maybe an hour.” 

“I didn’t expect to see you,” I
confess.  “You were so angry.”  Closing my eyes, I breathe him in,
begging to stay in the moment and not go back to our fight.  It does the
trick.  But, his smell is so erotic, it’s hard not to climb back on and
ravish him until he passes out.

“I had to know.  I sat on
your steps hoping that you weren’t going to stay out all night with him. 
Even worse, praying that you wouldn’t bring him home.”  I cringe at the
thought of Alex and Cole having a stand-off at my apartment.  It’s a good
thing that Cole and I no longer have any type of relationship.  I just
wish Alex would believe it.

“Alex…” I sigh. “Please believe
that Cole and I are just friends.”

“He doesn’t see you as just his
friend, Elyssa.  I specifically recall him referring to you as “his” and
please believe that
I
don’t share.”  Even though he’s infuriating,
I can’t fault him.  If another woman called him “her” Alex, I would have a
problem with that too.

“Who said anything about
sharing?”  I feel myself flush at his words.  Sitting up, for the
first time tonight, I resist his hold.  “Alex, I don’t understand what’s
going on here.  We fight because you accuse me of playing games, yet
you’re the one that told me you can’t have a girlfriend.  But, then you
show up unannounced, and now…”  I remove myself from his arms. 
Frustration overwhelms me, and suddenly I’m in desperate need of clothing. 
“What do you want from me?”  I stand up searching for my top, as I pull
down my skirt.

Hunched over with his head in his
hands, he looks disheveled, yet still sexy as hell.  Even toying with my
emotions, he takes my breath away.  “I don’t know what you want me to say
to you.  I know it’s not fair of me to ask anything of you.  But the
thought of you with him, especially now…” 

A sense of defeat engulfs me as I
walk into my bedroom to find something to wear. 
Why couldn’t we have just
been those two people who met at the gas station?
  After shedding my
skirt, I pull on a pair of black flannel shorts and a matching tank before
going back to the living room.  Finding Alex dressed and standing next to
the kitchen counter, completely pains me.  I don’t want him to go, and
more so, I don’t want to fight.

Catching the disgust flit through
his eyes, I look down to see him eyeing the bottle of perfume Arianna gave me
for my birthday.  “You don’t wear this, do you?” 

“I like the smell.  What’s
wrong?”  It’s still unopened and I don’t really feel like getting into how
I got it. 
Yah, I got that from Arianna, you know…my boss, your
boss…she’s been around me for my entire life.  No, no, I got the job on my
own merit.  Trust me, I did.
  That’s a conversation I hope to
never have, with him, or anyone. 

“I can’t stand that scent. 
Just don’t wear it around me.  Okay?!”  Perfume is not worth the
fight, so I reluctantly agree as I head into my adjoining kitchen.

Trying to act nonchalant and
failing, I pour myself a glass of water.  “Are you leaving?”  Having
already given away too much, it’s hard to stay strong and not show my
emotions.  He makes it nearly impossible to hide my feelings.  Am I
being too much of a girl by wishing he wouldn’t just have sex with me and
leave?  Am I asking for too much, hoping for a little more intimacy? 

“I need to get back.  If you
ask me to stay, I don’t think I would be able to say no, not after
tonight.  But, I have my grandmother…”  I want to beg him to stay.
 I want to know how it feels to fall asleep with him and wake up in his
arms.  I want all of him.

I sip my water and head to the
door to walk him out, still trying to hide the hurt and disappointment in my
heart behind my glass.  “I understand.” 

“I don’t want to leave you like
this,” his jaw clenches, waiting for my reaction.

“Like what?”
Stay strong,
Elyssa.
 

“With so much tension between
us.  Tonight was incredible and for a moment it was just us.” 

“It’s still just us, Alex.” 
I bridge the gap between us and place my hand over his heart.  “You just
have to believe me.  To trust me.”  We stare at each other; blue eyes
to green.  So much passes between us, but nothing more is said.  I
see in his eyes, the pain of a young boy, and as little as I do know, I know
there is so much more to this salient man. 

Reaching out, he places his hand
on my chest, “My Hart.”  I smirk at his gesture. 
If he only knew.

Another moment passes, “I’ll see
you tomorrow night, right?  I’ll pick you up at eight.”  Suddenly
lifting my mood, I realize I won’t have to wait to see him again; my heart
beats faster. 

“Yes,” I exclaim, a little too
eager.  He leans down and kisses me softly, immediately ending my
thoughts.

“I wish I could stay with
you.”  Pulling me closer, our kiss deepens with even more passion, sending
an ache straight to my loins.  I pull away breathless.  I need to get
some distance between us, before I give into what my body wants. 

Closing my eyes with my hand
safely over his heart, “Goodnight, Alex.”

“Goodnight, Elyssa.” 

I close the door behind him and
rest my back against it for support.  Slinking to the floor, blood rushes
to my face, not fully believing what just happened.  I cannot believe I
had sex with him!  Who am I kidding?  That was…startling, amazing, mind-blowing. 
Even though he’s only the second man I’ve slept with, I wouldn’t have wanted it
to be with anyone else.  It’s surprising the connection I feel with him
after just a few weeks.  And I hope I’m not mistaken, thinking he seems to
want more with me, too.  But, I can’t shake the feeling that something is
holding him back.  It can’t just be about work, can it?  
Whatever it is, I hope he gets over it quick.  I’m not ready to let him
go.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Rolling over, I hit the snooze button
for the third time.  I don’t want to wake up, not yet.  All I want to
do is crawl under the sheets and sleep for another twelve hours.  Just
about to doze off again, I stretch, which causes the brief aching reminder that
I have a date tonight with a certain sexy V.P…my heart begins to race,
again.  I want him more than I’ve wanted anything in my entire life. 
The need and lust I feel for him makes my insides quiver.

But, as much as I want to think
about the feelings I have for him, including the passion in my heart, it’s hard
not to think of the other side, especially when things could go so wrong. 
For both of us.  Our moment of pleasure last night was intense and can be
only compared to molten lava racing down a mountains edge, destroying everything
in its path.  Could giving in to Alex destroy my future with SHI, or
his?  Can we continue this, whatever this is, without anyone finding
out?  Pulling the covers up to my chin, I’m at a loss for words as my mind
catches up to my racing heart, thinking of everything that could possibly go
wrong. 

I sit up, bringing my reflection
into view in the vanity mirror and shake my head.  What am I doing? 
“Elyssa Jane Hart, you are bright, focused, have a good head on your shoulders;
you’re caring, and trustworthy.  Any guy would want you.  You deserve
this.” 

Hey, sometimes a girl needs to
look at herself and lay it all out there.  Taking a deep breath, I laugh
at myself.  This is way too deep for this early in the morning.  Time
for a shower!

~~~~~

Hearing my phone vibrate against
the counter top, I rush out of the shower, dripping wet.  Reaching for my
phone, I answer and hear Rachel talking to someone besides me. 

“I’m coming up and I’m not
alone.  There’s a delivery guy here, with a big expensive looking box, say’s
it’s for you.”
  An expensive box?  How exactly does a box look
expensive, Rach?
  I giggle at her description.

“Use your key and come in. 
Can you sign for it?”  She agrees and we hang up.  What more could I
possibly get?  Is it from Alex?  Cole?  What if Arianna gave me
something more for my birthday?  Trying to hurry, I throw on a pink and
white floor length summer dress and brush out my tangled hair, before going out
to appease my curiosity.  Oh, and to meet Rachel, too.