Checkout (7 page)

Yippee! You have been put on the ‘10 items or less’ till. A quiet day then. If I were you, I wouldn’t get too excited. 10 = 10? Not on your till. Good luck!

Yup, ten of one particular item only counts as one.

Being taken for an idiot, insulted, having to argue all the time, getting involved in controversy, never giving in, being intransigent, etc. So does the ‘10 items or less’ till still tempt you? Didn’t you say that you had the beginnings of an ulcer? Just the place if you want to develop it.

The sun is shining. Little rabbits are gambolling joyously in the fields. Peace reigns across the world. And mankind lives in perfect harmony where everyone is respected.

A utopia? In your world rabbits don’t gambol and they’re not smiling. Well, that’s just not fair …

You are at a priority till. You must give priority to people in wheelchairs, disabled people, pregnant women and people with young children. It’s essential to keep reminding yourself because you will be faced with several other ‘priority’ customers, all with a very good reason to be there. Never has the word ‘priority’ been
used so often. Priority customers:

• The customer who is desperate for the loo.
  
• The customer who has been up since five o’clock that morning.
  
• The customer who is three weeks pregnant.
  
• The couple whose favourite TV programme starts in five minutes.
  
• The mother with three children over eight.
  
• The customer who has flu.
  
• The customer who has a dinner party for eight people to organise.
  
• The father who has to pick his son up from nursery.
  
• The young woman who is late for her class.
  
• The customer who hates queuing (yes, they do try to claim priority).
  

And if someone who really has priority is waiting, you will have to convince the fakers to give up their place – and when they do agree, some will sigh loudly.

Rarer, and at the opposite end of the spectrum but just as surprising, is the very old man who gives you his disability card to prove that he isn’t lying. If only everyone were like him … you’d be bored.

Wait till you find yourself confronted with this
situation: two elderly people, both in bad health, arrive at the same time at your till. Who should go first? How can you decide? The one whose arthritis is worse? A piece of advice: let them sort it out. The most belligerent will win. You can be nicer to the second one.

Don’t let yourself be intimidated. Send fake ‘priority customers’ to other tills. That’s what they are there for.

And no, the rabbits aren’t smiling. I promise you.

You thought that asking for ID for certain purchases was a formality that everyone would accept. How naïve! You will discover that for some people showing ID poses a problem; it affects their own sense of identity.

Yes, ID will give you intimate information about your customer. And maybe he doesn’t want you to know his age (he looks much younger), his address (he’s paranoid), his place of birth (he is ashamed of coming from Pratt’s Bottom), her maiden name (she’s ashamed of her father’s name, Smellie) or maybe he’s afraid that you will see his ID photo (he had a lot of acne then). So don’t be surprised if you hear this kind of thing:

To some people asking for ID is a capital offence and they will get really angry and insult you when you refuse to let them purchase their whisky. And be ready to duck because they might throw their shopping in your face (even when it’s electronic equipment). They’re above the law, no doubt. Or on the run from the law maybe. Crazy at any rate (if they pay with a credit card admittedly the checkout girl doesn’t get all those details, but her boss does).

Others will show you some ID belonging to their friend or grandmother. The photo is a bit of a giveaway.
Yup, those customers have really got the point.

‘Well, what’s the difference? And, anyway, my friend was here just a couple of minutes ago.’

‘Can’t you ask her to come back?’ Bizarrely, you didn’t see the friend.

‘She’s gone.’ Getting agitated, ‘For God’s sake!’

And the customer leaves you her shopping and rushes off.

In any case, never give in (even if you find them very attractive). If there’s ever a problem, particularly with an overseas cheque, your management will be quick to tell you that ‘you didn’t do your duty as a checkout girl’ and make you pay. Be an incorruptible checkout girl! (But you can laugh inside when you see Mr Jones’s face when he was twenty on his driving licence or that Mr Smith was bald two years ago on his ID card and today it’s visibly no longer the case …)

£9.99 instead of £10.

£19.99 instead of £20.

£99.99 instead of £100.

‘That's a good deal! Quick, let's buy it! Life is cheap!' So say consumers every day.

You can also thank these inventors for all the wonderfully fulfilling moments you will have.

Instead of spending ten minutes cashing up, you will spend fifteen because of all the 1p, 2p and 5p pieces you will have been given during the day. And your fingers will be covered in a thin layer of copper mixed with … dirt.

More than fifty times a day you will have to answer the following questions and respond to the following remarks:

Not forgetting that ‘Nineteen-ninety-nine-please' takes nearly twice as long to say as ‘Twenty-pounds-please'. At the end of the day the time lost must represent about two or three fewer customers served by the checkout girl. If I ran a supermarket, I'd be worried.

According to the latest news, the Bank of England has run out of small coins. Too many people are keeping them at home in jars or piggy banks (how sweet …). They might be removed from the market. Yippee! Rejoice, dear customers, the prices might be rounded up one day.

Did you think that once you were in the swing of things life on the till would be easy? You and your till are one, your gestures automatic, you no longer have to think, and you neither hope for anything nor fear anything? Be careful! A terrible danger awaits you: management could choose at any time to send you to the till at the petrol station to cover for a colleague. And then, panic! You will be completely lost.

In order to stop the shock being too violent and to prepare you psychologically, here are the main tests that await you.

A till that is completely different from the one you’re used to, customers who want to buy a bottle of camping gas,
who come and complain because the petrol pumps aren’t working, who beep their horns like crazy people because you are too slow, who poison you with their exhaust fumes … Above all, don’t be overly polite, they hate that.

Customers 1 – Checkout girl 0

Are you trembling? It’s not over yet. You will witness moments straight out of disaster films: 

Customers 2 – Checkout girl 0

Don’t worry, you will also see great spectacles (theft, holdups etc.), and violent scenes (two drivers grabbing each other because neither wants to give way).

Customers 3 – Checkout girl 0

Just a word on what to do when these things happen: don’t give in to panic and call security straight away (and if you are keeping score, do it discreetly).

Beg and plead not to be sent to cover for a colleague the day before the start of the holidays or long weekends. You might not survive that ordeal. Between the pumps, the noise of the cars, the screaming children and the insults of customers rushing to drive 500 miles, the struggle will prove to be particularly difficult and unequal.

Customers 4 – Checkout girl 0

Ah yes, the life of a checkout girl is full of unexpected events and dangers. So, a piece of advice: don’t rest on your laurels. Vigilance should be your watchword.

On the other hand, one advantage awaits you at the petrol station. You will have your own personal loos (with a door) only a few feet from your till (including a flush which leaks and smells). Isn’t life great?

Customers 4 – Checkout girl 1

And there are other reasons to celebrate your trip to the petrol station. If you survive the experience you will have lots of stories to tell your friends and, in particular, once you’re back at your till in the store you will think you’re in paradise. The insults, fights, horns and hold-ups will be nothing but far-off memories.

NB: I advise you not to read the following, particularly if you have been feeling fragile recently. But I feel obliged to write it. It would be profoundly dishonest of me to stay silent about... the other disagreeable surprises that await you.

When you become a checkout girl you should understand that you risk having to work:

At the entrance to the store. This is not as complicated as you’d think. You just have to find a few good arguments to shut up customers who come to complain that one of your colleagues didn’t want to give them a bag, the music is too loud, the prices are too expensive, the meat counter is not properly signposted or stocked (there’s no Welsh lamb), there are too many customers, etc. Nothing too complicated, you see. Of course, you will also need to master all the subtleties of refunds, exchanges and
organising loyalty cards. Child’s play really … after several weeks of effort and a smile for every challenge … if all goes well.

I can’t find the courage to describe what awaits you if ever … in short, your mission will be to get your customers into more debt. But if ever you manage to do it you will be bursting with pride for the rest of your life. You will feel a bit as if you work in a bank.

The great privilege of this post is that you will have practically no contact with customers. Nice, huh? The disadvantages: answering the phone, having to count the money in the safe and using the computer to find the bar codes of items when the checkout girls don’t have them, preparing rotas and knowing how to answer any question that comes your way in three seconds. Not for everyone, I know. Especially if the computer gets stuck … but that never happens … well, almost never …

The good news is that this doesn’t exist in all supermarkets. More good news: if it does, the customers are very nice (they almost all say hello and smile) and sometimes ask you for advice. No need to panic. You just have to tell them if the latest Coldplay album is better than the last Oasis one, the latest Bruce Willis film better than the last Harry Potter, the last Harry Potter book better than the latest John Le Carré. OK, giving your opinion is exactly the opposite of what is required of a checkout girl and you’ll need courage, time and a few brain cells to listen to, watch and read a few new releases in this area (don’t be too zealous about it though). But if you manage it, euphoria will light up your life and you will miss your till a little less.

That’s a fairly exhaustive summary of the dangers which lurk. Keep calm. And, I should have said this at the outset – sorry, what was I thinking? – these posts will only be occupied by checkout girls who request them and who are really motivated. Management only uses the best ones (the ones with degrees or who are regularly No. 1 on the league table … or however it is they judge. It all depends on your manager).

However, there is another kind of promotion (generally short-lived). With a bit of luck and real skill (that your store will be happy to use when it needs it), you can get yourself a proper job: you can work in the aisles or work in the Office to replace someone who’s on holiday for a few weeks or months (accident, maternity leave, long-term sick leave, etc.). You’ll love that. Finally, you get to leave the till to do something you like. But don’t rest on your laurels – when the person you are replacing comes back, there’s no chance of keeping the post that you liked so much …

These replacements will never last for more than a few months. To be clear, fewer than 5 per cent lead to a permanent post (yup, hurrah, career development for checkout girls in supermarkets is close to zero – heaven forbid that you might actually be given some responsibility). So when it’s the turn of other girls to replace someone, you won’t have any reason to be jealous. They won’t be paid more than you and won’t change status. ‘Till assistant’ will continue to be written on their pay slips. And if they look down on you a bit during the replacement period, once they’re behind the till again they will go back to being the checkout girls they always were.

OK, you can breathe easy again. In the end it’s more frightening than dangerous. But the petrol station? Sorry,
that threat is very real, even if you never ask for it. So be aware!

By the way, have I mentioned the self-service tills (more profitable than even the most badly paid checkout girls) which might replace you altogether one day? We’ll talk about that when you’re feeling better.