Checkout (2 page)

Do you care about your appearance? Do you hate uniforms? I'm sorry to have to remind you then that even though checkout girls sit behind tills, that is not enough to identify them as checkout girls and so, to avoid any confusion, you have to wear a uniform. Anyway, how else would you feel like you were part of a big family, the big brand family of the chain you work for? Your uniform is essential if you are to give of your best.

Here are the various spring/summer/autumn/winter collections that await you.

A suit with a skirt (generally navy blue) and flowery scarf
(
tastefully
poking out of the pocket of your jacket). Flat shoes to match your shirt (generally white) and to be bought with your own money. Did you dream of being an air hostess when you were little? If so, this outfit will make you feel your dream has been fulfilled. A budget airline though, I hope that's OK. You could also use it for a wedding, bar mitzvah or award ceremony (delete as necessary). Isn't life great?

Watch out though, don't make any abrupt movements. The stitches (made in China) are fragile and frankly the clothes aren't very well cut.

Do you need something to wear to put the bin out? Now you have just the thing, thanks to these wonderful shapeless black waistcoats and skirts or black pleated trousers size XXL. Even if you're only in your twenties, beware the attentions of the elderly. If you're hoping to attract customers under seventy, however, forget it, there's no chance. Oh and don't forget to have your knitting ready to complete the outfit.

Your queue will be the spiritual home of grannies.

This consists of an extra-large overall (colour ranging from electric blue to piglet pink) with poppers. Whether you're pregnant or not, people will assume you're eight months gone (or, if you're a man, that you're obese). Completely stain-and waterproof, so invaluable when it rains.

This one has a bright-red jacket over a shirt of a vile green, patterned with large flowers, and wide trousers of an indefinable colour. All that's missing for the Ronald McDonald look is the red nose. The customers certainly won't miss you. But you'll hope your friends will, so don't encourage them to stop by – you'll never hear the end of it.

Here we have a polo shirt, sleeveless waistcoat or T-shirt, made in Taiwan, and vaguely in the chain's colours (before washing, that is). This garb is worn by all employees of the store, regardless of their role. The stores that favour this style are experts at saving the pennies. Better hope it's one of these stores that offers you a job.
Besides, of all the options, you will look slightly less ridiculous in this one than in the others. I won't go any further than that. And the feeling of belonging to a big family will be even more pronounced.

Just to complete the fashion show, be aware that if you arrive at a bad time of year you might have to mix styles and find yourself wearing the Glamour/Clown, the Grandma/Farmer's Wife or the Clown/Grandma … Won't that be hilarious?

In any event, avoid looking at yourself too often in the mirror at work if you don't want to have a breakdown or be forced to resist the urge to laugh like a madman in front of every customer.

It is 9.05 p.m. That was your first real day. You have just served your last and 289th customer. You've been behind the till for eight hours with two fifteen-minute breaks. You're tired. You dream of one thing – going to bed and sleeping until 6 a.m. tomorrow.

Oi, wake up! The day isn't over yet!

You still have to clean your work station (you weren't naïve enough to think that a cleaner was going to do it for you, were you?) and cash up (you didn't have the cheek to think that you were being paid to do nothing, did you?). Count yourself lucky, at least here you don't have to clean the aisles.

Right, hurry up, over to the Office with your cash box!

Sit down over there with your colleagues and find a pen and paper. Don't yawn, you haven't finished work yet! Start by counting your coins, then your notes and finally your coin rolls. I say ‘your' but obviously they're not really yours. Oh actually, count them in whatever order you please – you still have the right to make that choice. Don't let yourself be distracted by the chatter, the doors opening and closing and the rattling of coins. Concentrate or you'll regret it when you find yourself with the joy of recounting.

Not enough light? Don't complain, think of it as a relaxing soft light after the blinding glare of the store.

OK, you have scrupulously noted how many 1p, 2p, 5p, 10p, 20p and 50p pieces, and £1 and £2 coins you have. And the number of £5, £10, £20 and £50 notes. And the number of coin rolls … Calm down, now. Yes, you have a small fortune in your hands. But don't think about that. Instead, think about your salary at the end of the month. That will bring you back down to earth again …

Add it all up and then subtract your till float (yes, the £150 in cash that was in your cash box at the start of the day).

‘Right, 173, how much? 173?! Yes, that's you!'

‘I have a name!'

‘Yes, I know, but it's quicker this way. So, 173?'

‘£3,678.65!'

‘Count again, 173, you've made a mistake! I warned you. You weren't concentrating properly.'

‘Am I way out? Or just a little? Under? Over?'

‘Just count it again.'

‘£3,678.15!'

‘OK. Before you go, check that your cheques and discount vouchers are safely put away. We're not your skivvies, you know.'

9.35 p.m. You take off your overall in the locker room. You only have five minutes to catch your bus. Good night and sweet dreams (full of
beeeep
s, hellos, goodbyes … perhaps not).

I’ve forgotten to mention something very important about your job interview. I’ll put that right straight away. It doesn’t matter if you have never worked before, you don’t know how to count, you are agoraphobic or afraid of the dark as long as you are available immediately, you accept the wonderful salary offered, you have a bank account and you can answer
this
question:

‘Why do you want to work with us?’

Yes, even to be a checkout girl, you have to come up with a good reason.

Try one of the following:

‘Because I’ve always dreamt of working in a supermarket!’

If you want them to believe you, say it with a
lot
of
conviction and make your eyes sparkle with enthusiasm at the same time. Not easy.

‘Because my mother was a checkout girl!’

Same conviction and enthusiasm required as for the previous suggestion.

‘Because like you I want to “make life taste better”.’ or ‘Because, as you say, “Every little helps!”’

Stretching it a little, I know, but such devotion is always well received. So you might as well. You have to be careful though. Not all the slogans work. You might be wary of passing yourself off as ‘Everyone’s favourite ingredient’.

‘I’m a student. I need a part-time job to support myself.’

The classic answer but very convincing. And managers really like students. They grumble less than old people and don’t mind working at weekends. So it’s an excellent answer. Of course, if you’re not actually a student you have to look young enough to be credible. You shouldn’t have too much of a problem up to the age of thirty or thirty-five.

‘I need a job to survive.’

Avoid this answer – even if it’s true, the manager will think you’re ‘not very motivated’, ‘lacking team spirit’,
‘unsuited to the store’s commercial ambitions’ and your application risks being relegated to the bottom of the pile (which is enormous, by the way).

But there are many answers that will impress. For inspiration pretend that you’re applying to be a lawyer, instead of a checkout operator. Come on, use your imagination!

Here are a few things to ponder if you are to be an unbeatable checkout girl:

• About 750,000 people work for super markets in the UK (you'll be joining a nice big family!).
  
• 15–20 items must be scanned every minute.This can increase to 45 at some discount chains. So the checkout girl has to handle customers' shopping without proper consideration, leading to damaged goods if customers can't keep up with the pace, which, of course, is nearly always the case. Well, they're not paid according to their performance – but neither is the checkout girl actually …
  
• 700 to 800 items scanned per hour.
  
• 21,000 to 24,000 items scanned per week.
  
• 800 kg of goods are lifted per hour (more than this on good days).
  
• 96 to 120 tonnes lifted per week (the equivalent of four HGVs!).
  
• Per year? Get out your calculator (not provided by your store).
  

Do I look like a bodybuilder? Well, hardly. Quite often I feel about seventy.

Every week you can consult the checkout-operator league table to find out who has taken the most money and whether you have been a tortoise or a hare. Don't panic. There's no reward (not even a bottle of ketchup) for the winner. But your parents and children will be really proud of you.

Every day you will say on average:

• 250 hellos
  
• 250 goodbyes
  
• 500 thank yous
  
• 200 ‘Do you have a loyalty card?'
  
• 70 ‘Please enter your PIN'
  
• 70 ‘Please take your card'
  
• 30 ‘The toilets are over there'
  

and many other similarly poetic lines.

You're not a robot, are you? Of course not! A robot doesn't smile.

• Your average monthly pay: £800 net.
  
• Hours worked a week:30 (or 26, 24, 20 but rarely the full 35).
  

But let's get one thing straight. Don't think you'll be able to top up your hours with part-time work. Your manager will ensure that your rota will change every week. Of course you could always work as a cleaner from 5 a.m. until 8 a.m.or take in ironing. You didn't want any time for family, did you? Well done, you've chosen the ideal job.

Here's an example of a 30-hour week:

• Monday:9 a.m. to 2.30 p.m. (working time: 5½ hours; break time:16 minutes)
  
• Tuesday: rest day
  
• Wednesday:3 p.m. to 8.45 p.m. (working time:5 hours 45 minutes; break time:17 minutes)
  
• Thursday:1.45 p.m. to 5.15 p.m. (working time:3½ hours; break time:10 minutes)
  
• Friday: 3.15 p.m. to 9 p.m. (working time:5 hours 45 minutes; break time:17 minutes)
  
• Saturday:9 a.m. to 1 p.m./3.30 p.m. to 9.15 p.m. (working time:9 hours 45 minutes; break time:12 minutes and 17 minutes)
  

And the following week? Don't worry, your hours will be completely different.

You'll be told your new schedule two weeks in advance, three weeks in advance if the person who creates the rota is particularly zealous, or twenty-four hours in advance if a lot of cashiers are away.

Six hours fifteen minutes is the maximum number of hours you can work on the till without a break (in theory, although some employment contracts contravene this).

You're entitled to three break minutes per hour worked, so if you want eighteen minutes to eat, you need to have worked at least six hours. You can forget about nice hot meals.

So there you have it. That's your dream job … is it all you hoped for? You have the supermarkets to thank for that.

Ah, mobile phones. What a marvellous invention. It's just incredible all the things they can do: play music, show TV, send emails, follow the stock market … Incidentally they also enable us to make calls when and where we want. But that's not all mobile phones can do. Some can even make a man (or a woman) invisible – and it's not only the most expensive models that can do it. The fact that checkout girls are pretty invisible anyway, helps with this trick.

Don't feel sorry for yourself. You've just had an unforgettable experience – for a few minutes you have been completely invisible. And look on the bright side;
you might get to experience the same thing again but with a subtle difference.

I'm not exaggerating.

But there really is a reason to look on the bright side. It's not impossible that you will come across this rare specimen:

Isn't life great? Well yes, but don't get carried away. That kind of customer is very, very, very rare. People who have met them still talk about it …

Now, if you are particularly sensitive about appearing invisible and this is your second year behind the till (surely you're used to it by now?!) you might want to do this instead:

In your dreams – no, not even in your dreams. A checkout girl must always act like a checkout girl. And a checkout girl does not use the phone at work! At least not until computers have replaced her entirely. Some customers appear to think they already have.