Checkout (8 page)

Have you been working for a few hours non-stop? Do you feel tiredness coming over you? Careful! You are soon going to experience the ‘Little Beep Moment’, a great moment in your day. Let yourself go and embrace this unreal minute.

The store is very busy. Trolleys are bumping into one another in ever greater numbers, the wheels grinding and creaking. All around you harried customers come and go incessantly. The loudspeakers crackle out the latest special offers and the background music becomes insistent.

The ambient noise is getting more and more unbearable. Your maximum threshold has almost been reached. All that’s needed is one more loud noise and 
you’ll be tipped into another dimension. It’s the yelling of a child that does it. For about sixty seconds you exist in a parallel universe.

The noise, the conversations, the music … it all stops. Customers, colleagues, the entire supermarket disappears. Now there are only the beeps of the till in answer to those of the neighbouring till. And suddenly you feel like a match is on, as if a virtual tennis ball were going back and forth between you and your colleague. You’re playing Pong!

Then, after that furious game, it’s on to Breakout, the famous game with bricks. Your hands are the paddles and the items are the balls that you have to send to the other side of the till without them falling over or, worse, bouncing off other products. If that happens an enemy ball might appear, as dazzling as it is effective (if the customers agree to play!) … But in general it’s OK. The levels are quite easy! The only real problem is when the shopping makes a 3D brick wall.

Then comes the final boss (the big monster at the end of the level) which irredeemably appears at the time of payment. And there you have to be quick. To beat him don’t forget to shoot him with his loyalty card and whatever payment method the boss uses and finish him off with a ‘Goodbye-thank-you’, accompanied by a glittering smile.

But be careful because some bosses have secret
weapons like Unreadable Cards or Unreadable Cheques.

Sixty seconds later and the muffled sound gives way once more to the usual noise.

You have just experienced what I call the checkout girl’s ‘Little Beep Moment’. It generally happens when you have passed your six thousandth beep of the day. Sometimes, too, you will become Pac-Man (chased by ghosts, endlessly consuming the same little dots) – generally, after your three thousandth ‘swallowed’ item.

Who said that your job as checkout girl was monotonous? Don’t forget the customers. Thanks to them the days follow on from one another but are never the same. They will never cease to surprise you.

Like the one who came to my till without any items, just a list in his hand. He gave it to me and I saw that he had scrupulously noted the thirteen-figure bar codes of all the items he wanted to buy (about twenty of them). Here, I said to myself, is a customer ahead of his time. Did he hope that by the time I had scanned his bar codes an employee would be outside in front of his car with his order ready? Or did he expect home delivery? Or had he applied the principle of ‘large items can be collected at customer service’ to all items in the store so as to be more practical?

I never knew. When I refused to scan them he replied, irritated, ‘I always do it like this!’

Really? Sorry but I don’t work in a cyber-supermarket. Give me their address and I’ll apply though (think about it – a piece of paper is much lighter than a family pack of beer!).

And just so you don’t live your whole life behind the till without knowing, this is what the figures under the black bands on the bar codes mean. The standard is thirteen digits (for very small objects there are only eight). The first two or three figures indicate the country of the company’s headquarters (from 300 to 379). The subsequent numbers give the family, product brand and any other information needed to codify the item. The bar code is unique for every kind of product. Now you’ll never scan another bar code in the same way, right?

One day you may be fortunate enough to come across this guy. He looks really nice. He says hello and even smiles. And he puts his shopping down on the conveyor belt properly.

Ten out of ten!

I scan his yoghurts, bottle of wine, ham, cheese and packet of crisps … and feel something sticky.

‘Strange,’ I say to myself in passing, ‘no jam or honey coming up.’

After putting the packet down, I have a look at my fingers, curious. I notice a small, indefinable substance. I look more closely, rubbing my fingers together. I still can’t identify what it is. I stretch it, it’s elastic and remains stuck to my finger. Then I get it – it’s a nose bogey! Yes, how
nice of the customer to give his checkout girl such a gift. Would you like a packet of tissues with your crisps?

I had a lot of trouble getting rid of it. It was really very sticky.

Drunk customers will never fail to astonish you. They are never short of ideas or ridiculous arguments. You will find them quite fascinating.

Whether it’s the one who asks you if you have a corkscrew to open the bottle of wine he has just bought.

Or the one who falls head over heels in love with the first customer he sees in the aisle and pursues her across the store, his can of beer in hand.

Or the one who thinks he’s Father Christmas and generously distributes the store’s products to customers.

The one who drinks a whole bottle of extra-strength lager there and then (well, maybe he’s thirsty and the soft-drinks aisle is too far away).

The one who falls in love with you in the beer aisle
(what were you thinking of, returning the six-pack of Stella a customer left at your till fifteen minutes earlier?) and declares his passion with pauses for hiccups, releasing bad breath which could knock you over.

Or the one who is so drunk that you wonder how he found the supermarket and the alcohol aisle in the first place (a sixth sense undoubtedly). But it’s difficult to walk and avoid things which are suddenly in front of you: a trolley, a pack of water (dreadful stuff!) on the floor, a pile of loo-roll packs (good Lord, why create a Tower of Pisa? And he barely touched them (for which read, he tripped over them) and they fell all over the floor) …

It’s hard work being thirsty.

Did you think that, despite the insults and the way people look through you as if you weren’t there, your store would actually be quite a civilised place? Don’t you believe it! When I tell you that working in a supermarket means seeing all sides of humanity, I really do mean all!

Screams. A chase through the shopping centre. A security guard and a man exchange blows. The first onlookers stop – and contemplate the scene. The man calms down. The security guard holds him firmly by the arm. They move away. Fisticuffs break out again. People, more and more of them, surround the unexpected scene. The fight becomes more violent, the blows harder. The people stand in a circle watching the street fight in the shopping
centre. Men, women, children, bags and trolleys mingle.It takes three security guards to overcome the madman.

Curiosity. Voyeurism. The bloodier and more obscene, the better. Hey, look! Blood is pouring out of the securityguard’s nose. Wait until I tell everyone about this!

The guards try to take the man to a quieter place. The crowd follows. The guards move away again but only manage to take a few steps before the man flies into a rage once more. Is he to blame? Or is he the victim?

Four men have had a violent fight. There are at least thirty spectators but no one reacts. And there are just as many employees open-mouthed in front of this spectacle. It’s the same with accidents in the street, everyone watches but no one (or very few) reacts. The brawl ends with the arrival of the police, who take away the troublesome customer.

Once the show is over and the last curious people have left with their shopping (with the final scenes playing merrily in their heads), only the security guard remains. He wipes away the traces of blood – the last vestiges of a fight in an improvised ring.

The moment of madness has passed – a moment when man reverted to his instincts. And you, you remained behind your till, unable to react.

When you accepted the post of checkout girl you thought that you wouldn't learn anything except the essentials of your wonderful job. How wrong you were! You are in a perfect position to witness the entire range of human stupidity – and you will be delighted to know that it is limitless. It's enough to make your mouth water.

Saturday, 8.30 p.m.: You have scanned the shopping of 350 or 400 customers (a good day). They have mostly been nice and some even very nice (they greeted you when they were on the phone). Your hearing is starting to go back to normal. The supermarket compere promoting the ‘special offers on beer' finally shut up a few minutes ago. Your conveyor belt is like new. You
have cleaned it with love. Your bin is closed properly. No pieces of paper or crisps are lying around. The store is almost empty. All you have to do now is take your cash box proudly back to the Office. You tell yourself that, for a Saturday, it could have been worse. To celebrate you start to whistle your favourite song (or whichever one has been played twenty times through the loudspeakers that day). Then two blokes arrive at your till carrying three bottles of beer.

Stupidity appears to be the most widespread of human traits, so I have some advice to stop you getting depressed: buy yourself a punchball.

How can you annoy a customer legally?

It requires special organisation. You are about to open but you have gone to find a free chair (yes, again). Your colleague, two tills away, is just getting settled (she has a chair) and between the two of you stands an empty, closed till (without a chair).

The customer (preferably in a bad mood) arrives at your colleague’s till. She is far from ready (what a lazybones!) and sends him to you. He lets out a sigh. He doesn’t see you (you are still looking for your chair) and thinks your till is the one just next door to your colleague’s. He waits for you. Another sigh. You return with your chair (finally!) but behind him so he still doesn’t see you.

Two customers, who have been following you, leap on your till. At the same time your colleague warns the customer (the one who’s waiting) that you are behind him. Another sigh and he says, ‘She could have told me that she wasn’t here!’ Another sigh. He heads to your till where a third customer has just arrived. Another sigh. You have started to scan the items of your first customer. Another sigh … and another and another.

Your colleague indicates that she is open (sorry, her till is open) so you tell him, ‘My colleague has just opened. You can go to her till.’ The customer lets out yet another sigh and a stream of expletives, abandons his basket and leaves, disgusted. Poor thing. Checkout girls can be so disorganised!

We’ll play again tomorrow, I promise.

You are in your trial period. You want to be hired at any price. And when you got up on this Saturday morning, you decided that you wanted to be the best checkout girl of the day. This evening your number (not your name! Don't push it!) will be at the top of the Office till league table. A nice challenge! (Though I must remind you that to encourage you management will pay you not a single penny extra for this victory.)

You started an hour ago and you are keeping up a very good pace. You decide to speed up a bit when suddenly,
beeeeep!
On your till screen you see ‘unknown product'. Yes, you know what that means: the item in your hands won't scan. And if you don't know the price you're stuck.
Don't panic.

Step 1: Enter the numbers on the bar code. Still nothing? That's normal, there was only a 1 per cent chance that it would work (still, it was worth a try).

Take a deep breath.

Step 2: Call the Office. Line engaged? Bad luck. Wait and smile at your customer, who is starting to lose patience … Finally, someone answers!

Wait again (I know, what fun), tell your customer (who is starting to go red in the face) that someone will be there in a second, and tell those behind him to go to another till (if not, I warn you you'll get sighs and shouts within thirty seconds).

And on to Step 3 … a good five minutes later: the ‘runner' has arrived (finally, but hard to blame it on him when you know he has to handle thirty tills all by himself). You
immediately give him the packet of loo roll. The runner (a new employee) asks where to look. Oh dear! You want to send your customer to help him but you decide not to. He is crimson by now.

Quick, on to Step 4: Tell a few good jokes to your customer to make him relax and to make sure he stays (he might want to go, leaving you with all his shopping). Don't be afraid to use your secret weapon: ‘I have a minibar under my till. Can I get you a drink?' He smiles, it's working. The runner is back already with the price and your customer has seen him too. Incredible! (You're not so unlucky after all!)

Quick, Step 5: Call the Office to register the item, its bar code and its price on the central computer. The computer's crashed! Don't lose your cool now, only a ‘few' seconds to wait. And smile, it's not your customer's fault.

Step 6 and … nine minutes later:
beeeep!
OK, the supersoft loo roll has gone through.

So you lost fifteen minutes and nine customers? Your place as No. 1 is severely compromised. Never mind, you'll win next Saturday. Or you can make up time during your break.

Oh goody, a Bargain Hunter has come to your till. It's definitely not your lucky day.