Change of Hart (33 page)

I
stood looking at myself in the full-length mirror by the window, admiring my appearance. It had taken a long time to feel confident in myself again. Confident in the way I look. Confident in the way I’m built. Confident in who I am. But Jason did that. Jason came into my life completely unexpectedly and showed me a love that I had never felt. Not even at the beginning of my marriage to Austin.

There was a quiet knock on the door and I turned to look as it opened and my best friend Tracy’s head peeked in. “Are you almost ready?” she asked.

I turned back to look in the mirror one last time. I couldn’t get over how beautiful I looked. My dress had a fitted bodice with delicate spaghetti straps. The entire top was covered in shiny little jewels making me shimmer in the light. The bottom flowed out like a dress Cinderella would have worn but not as poufy. My hair was pulled into a loose bun at the nape of my neck with tiny strands of Baby’s Breath weaved into it.

Being that this was to be my second marriage, Jason and I had talked about whether or not we wanted the wedding to be a huge ordeal. I had already done the two-hundred-fifty guest reception with a four-tiered cake and live band. I wasn’t all that excited about being the center of that much attention again.

So we decided to head across the pond and have the ceremony is Scotland.

It was a gorgeous country. It sounded so cliché, but there really were lots of mountain landscapes and green, rolling valleys. The first day we were there, we were stopped in the middle of the road for about thirty minutes while we waited for a herd of sheep to cross the road.

All of our closest friends and family members, and managers of course, came with us. We spent the first few days getting over jet lag and doing some general sightseeing. It was a wonderful vacation. And the only pictures taken
of
us were taken
by
us. That was a nice bonus.

Jason had rented a beautiful villa that sat on top of a rock quarry overlooking the ocean. It had enough rooms to sleep all twenty-eight of us and a giant gazebo to hold the ceremony. We were bringing in caterers and a local DJ for the party afterwards.

I took a deep breath. “Yeah, I’m ready,” I said to Tracy as I walked toward the door.

“Good,” she giggled, “because that man of yours is getting impatient! He wants to marry you so bad!”

A wide grin spread across my face. “I wanna marry him so bad, too.”

We walked down the stairs to the foyer that led out to the garden where the gazebo was.

“You look so beautiful,” my sister Natalie said, blotting a tear from the corner of her eye before it could fall.

My four-year-old niece, Shannon, stood in front of me, eyeing me up and down. “Are you a Princess?” she asked with wide, fantasy-filled eyes.

“Today she is, Munchkin,” Samantha said as she did some last minute adjustments to my hair and handed me my bouquet.

Samantha, Natalie and Tracy were all in red dresses of different styles. I didn’t really care what the dress looked like as long as they were all the same color and they were flattering on each person. The three of them would stand up with me as my bridesmaids. Shannon and her big sister, seven-year-old Christina, were the flower girls.

We thought about making Jaxon the ring bearer, but we decided we really didn’t need one. Besides, Jason had another role for Jaxon to play . . . the role of best man. That’s right. The two loves of my life were going to be standing side-by-side as we made this commitment in front of God and our families to create a family together.

Deuce and Lindsay were also standing with him as his groomspeople. It was perfect.

As the Wedding March began to play, I watched the bridesmaids start the trek from the foyer, through the garden and to the gazebo. It was a longer walk than most traditional wedding aisles. But it gave me time to think over the past eighteen months of my life.

I was such a mess when Jason came into our lives and I didn’t even know it. I was numb to any form of love outside my inner circle. And truth be told, I didn’t believe I was worth it. When your own husband doesn’t think you’re worth it, well, that does some deep, deep damage.

But Jason came along and taught me that all my flaws, those aren’t really flaws. They’re just part of who I am. They’re part of what makes me, me. And he showed me that I
am
worth it. He spends every day making sure I’m comfortable with his job and the publicity that goes with it. He makes sure to tell me how attractive I am, even when I got walking pneumonia last year and gained fifteen pounds due to some steroids I had to be put on. He makes sure that I know just how important I am to him. And he does the same thing for my son.

Our son.

Shortly after our engagement, Jason approached me about adopting Jaxon. At first, I was hesitant, but the more I thought about it, the more I remembered that anything can happen in an instant. If something were to happen to me, I didn’t want there to be any question about where Jaxon would end up. I never wanted Jaxon to be without any parents. If Jason adopted him, they would always have each other no matter what.

So just two weeks from today, we’ll be standing in front of a judge in a courthouse saying a different kind of “I do” and committing our family to each other.

Maybe the most important thing Jason did was let me grieve. I didn’t realize how much I had been holding inside until that first day when I met Sara. All my emotions were bottled up so tight, that once the top came off, the waterworks came frequently. Jason was so understanding. He would just hold me while I cried and let me babble about specific memories that still hurt. It took a little time, but eventually the tears dried up.

I will always miss Austin. Cheating bastard or not, I loved him once. And he loved me. He gave me the greatest gift of my life when he gave me Jaxon and for that I would always be grateful.

But today, we were all moving on. Today, we were starting a new life. Today, we were getting married.

As I followed my bridesmaids and finally made it to the gazebo, I saw my big boy standing up there all proud in his little tuxedo. Jax looked so happy I was afraid he was going to start hopping up and down with excitement. But he didn’t. He just looked at me as I walked with a big smile on his face.

And then I looked up and there he was.

As I looked into the eyes of my love I couldn’t help but want to run straight into his arms. Jason was everything I had ever wanted wrapped up in a six foot five, two hundred and thirty-pound package. His classic black tuxedo was tailored to perfection, making my heart race a little faster.

He was everything to me.

My lover.

My best friend.

My hero.

My Hart.

F
irst, let me warn you, I love acknowledgements. I read them after every single book, so mine may be lengthy! But these people each deserve to be recognized individually. So here we go.

To the “real” Lindsay: you got tired of seeing me stuck in my head with a story running through it like a movie reel and said, “Just write it down”. So I did. Thank you for being annoyed enough with me to encourage me to write it down so I could come back to the land of the living. Because I never, EVER thought I could do this. You may suck as a beta reader, but you’re an awesome KWBFF. Thanks, Ballsack.

Brenda Rothert, sending you the first three chapters was one of the scariest moments of my entire life. And when you emailed back with “Duuuuuuuude…..I really like it”, it was one of the most exhilarating. This has been such an exhausting process, but I so, so appreciate you allowing me to ask questions and vent frustrations and small milestones. (Hey reader…if you haven’t checked out her Fire on Ice series, it’s awesome. And Bound is free, so GET IT!! No…get them all. You won’t regret it.)

Murphy, my editor, my friend, my fake sister. Someday, we’re going to road trip to your real sister’s house where we will relax and refresh, talking religion and my lack of musical knowledge in a non judgy way, while Heath makes us hot dogs and Colleen reads to us out of her latest release, all while Griffin serenades us with a song written about us. Then we’ll head over to Georgia and hang out at Phillip Phillips aunt’s house while we wait for him to show up at a family reunion. Put it on your calendar. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Not just for editing, but for saying “I’m so glad it doesn’t suck because now I don’t have to lie to you!!” I’m so glad you decided you wanted to be my friend. I like you, too.

Julie Titus from JT Formatting, your work is amazing. I understand why you are so highly recommended. Thank you for squeezing me in and answer my barrage of questions! You’ve made this whole process so easy and I’m so grateful for that.

Stacey Grice, you said, “SEND IT TO ME DAMMIT!” So I did. And I was terrified. But you have been such a force throughout this. From encouragement to random details that I never caught, I so appreciate you. Thank you for making sure Addison was always flowery fresh. Because, fine, you were right. But I hate Spanx so I wouldn’t even know that. *shrug* (And reader…read her book Totaled. Freaking awesome)

Megan Kapusta, girl, we have had some knock-down fights while beta reading together because we don’t see eye to eye at all! But damn girl…that’s exactly what I needed and you rose to the challenge. I’m so appreciative of your eye for detail and your honesty when you don’t like something. I love fighting with you while beta reading together!! Because it only makes things better in the end. Thank you my friend!

Dawn L Chiletz, I feel like you and I have gone through half of this process together and have learned so much just by sharing information! I’m so grateful for the support you have given me through this. Here’s to more stories and late nights trying to get the damn formatting to work!!! (She wrote “The Contest” y’all! You will love the characters!)

Jennifer Stiltner, thank you for checking all my Dallas facts. It’s hard living in a different city than the one you’re writing about! You are so much more fun to talk to than an online map! Next time I’m in Dallas, its hot tub night! Get ready!

Alabama, you eased my mind so many times during this process. Yes, I know I’m a freakazoid. But you were so kind to help me relax and make me not feel so crazy. This was scary!!! Thank you, girl. You will always be “that little slut, Shelly Collins” to me. (Yes, dear reader, she’s THAT little slut Shelly Collins from Tara Sivec’s book.)

Kaci Blue, I get you girl. And you need to know, you started this whole thing. You accepted my friend request, got to know me, and opened up a whole WORLD to me! This wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t called Colleen a hooker for the world to see. I love you, dearly!!

Speaking of Colleen Hoover, I have no idea why you decided you like me, but I’m so proud that I am one of your 47, 345, 386 friends! Thank you for your amazing feedback. If you didn’t hate random acts of affection so much I would kiss all over your sweet little cheeks! I might do it anyway just to see how long it takes you to punch me. We’ll see. (I would tell you to read her books, reader, but if you haven’t already, we can’t be friends. GO GET THEM THEY ARE LITERARY GENIUS!)