Burned (18 page)

Ethan Sprinted Toward Me

I think he was yelling something, but I'm not really sure.

Because right about then, the ground

reached out and grabbed me.

Then everyone came running, yelling and asking questions:

What happened? You got him?

Are you all right?

Mark and Mike took charge of the cat corpse.

Aunt J and Ethan took charge of me, or wanted to.

They tried to help me to my feet, but I shook them off, insisted I could take care of myself.

Like
I'd
really proved
that,
hadn't I?

356

I'm Not Sure Why

I felt so angry, but on the ride

home, I didn't sit plastered to Ethan, and I barely said one word.

Finally, he asked,
Okay, what's wrong?

I shook my head. "I just can't

believe how stupid I was. If it wasn't for you ..."

He reached over and pulled

me closer.
Everything's okay.

"No, it's not. I mean, I'm

grateful to you for coming to my rescue, but. . ."

Ethan Turned and looked

me in the eye.
But what?

"But what if you hadn't been there? I should have been able to take that shot."

It was a hard shot, Pattyn,
even for someone with experience.

It was a hard shot, yes.

But, "I wasn't paying attention.

The cat got the drop on me."

357

One thing you have to remember

when hunting predators . . .

"Yes?"

It pays to be a better predator.

358

Ethan Didn't Stay

For dinner that night, sensing my need to be

alone.

I know it may sound

weird, but looking

death

square in the eye

made me question the unknown

What happens after we exhale our last

breath?

Do we really see an otherworldly

light?

Does God send

angels to guide us

home?

Or when our eyes

close, do we forfelt

sight?

And will our earthly

spirits forever

roam?

359

The Questions Ran Deeper

For me, struggling with Mormon doctrine.

According to scriptures, long pounded into my brain,

I was not worthy of the Celestial Kingdom-- the highest level of Heaven.

I had not learned the secret

codes to open that door, and I had no Mormon

husband to let me in.

And did I want the Celestial

Kingdom, anyway, where

women are relegated to polygamy and procreation, gestating new souls to fill

earthbound bodies?

Would I truly become a goddess--

albeit a baby factory goddess--

should I actuallyfind my

way to the Celestial Kingdom?

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Would my spirit be happier

wandering the Terrestrial

Kingdom--planet Earth--

forever?

Would the almost-sins I'd

already succumbed to condemn

me to the Telestial Kingdom, the place where scumbags go?

Was Heaven something

different from all of the above?

Had that cougar killed me, where would I be now?

361

I Lay on the Bed

My head a jumble of questions that I knew

would find no answers until I actuallydied.

Fear closed in. Fear of the unknown.

Fear of what I'd been taught to be

unshakable truth.

Fear of what I hoped

would prove to be

unspeakable lies.

My very foundation shook, an earthquake in my gut.

I was all new, right?

So why did the old Pattyn

surface now?

I loved Ethan so intensely

I just might die without him.

362

But what if loving him

damned me to death, no chance of life after?

Was loving him now

enough to turn my back on etemity?

363

J
ournal Entry, July 2

I could have died today, probably would have, except

Ethan shot the cougar who had decided to make me lunch.

That made me wonder if 'there 's

one Heaven or three kingdoms, or anything at all after we die.

I have no idea what to believe.

I asked Aunt J what she believes.

She said she's come to think

there is a God, but He isn't like the God Tve been taught tofear.

"God is love," she said. "And He

respects love, whether it's between a parent and child, a man and woman, or friends. I don't think He cares about religion one little bit. Live your

life right, Pattyn. Love with all your

heart. Don't hurt others, and help

those in need. That's all you need to know. And don't worry about

Heaven. If it exists, you'll be welcome."

364

I hope God respects how I feel about Ethan. Because I love him

more than am/thing, even life itself.

365

Having Decided That

I was all smiles when he came over the next morning, pickup

packed and readied for the trip to Beaver Dam State Park.

It's gonna be hot as blazes,

Ethan said.
Grab your swimsuit.

Swimsuit? Good Mormon

girls kept their clothes on. Of

course, I wasn't exactly good, and maybe I wasn't Mormon.

Ethan must have read my mind.

I promise to be a gentleman.

Fact was, I didn't even own a swimsuit. No tanks, definitely no bikinis. "I . . .

I forgot to bring mine."

Ethan smiled.
No problem.

We can go in our underwear.

I wasn't sure about that, wasn't sure I wanted to reveal so much skin--chalk white, except for the arms and legs.

Ethan lifted me up into the truck.

Let's go. It's a long drive.

366

Not so far, distance-wise, only around thirty-five miles. But

most of that was gravel road, and slow, bumpy traveling.

I'm glad you're feeling better

today. I was worried.

"I'm
sorry, Ethan. I don't

know why I got so upset.

Half of me feels so together, the other half so confused."

Confused about what,

Pattyn? Me?

"Not about loving you, Ethan.

Just about what that means."

Did it mean damnation?

Happily ever after?

367

Ethan Was Right

It was hot as blazes.

By the time we reached the lake, around noon, the temperature

had soared well into the nineties.

The lake was blue and very small, too small for boats, so it wasn't

nearly as crowded as I'd expected.

We found a secluded place to park, hiked up under a thick stand of trees, and spread a thick blanket on a pine-needle carpet.

Ethan opened an ice chest

filled with soda and beer.

I could have chosen Coke.

I didn't.

Beer had never been my favorite, but it tasted fine, ice-cold, on such a torrid day.

Only one problem--I had

skipped breakfast. Before I knew

it, my head felt füll of bubbles and my tongue five inches thick.

368

Not that Ethan hadn't brought

food. He had--huge deli Sandwiches, carbs and protein to fend off any impending hangovers.

But that day, that hour, that moment, a blossoming buzz felt too great to fight with food.

369

So When Ethan Suggested Swimming

I didn't hesitate to Sprint down to the water's

edge. The sun attacked and my head spun and the sand threatened to blister my

feet and it all encouraged me to shed every stitch and dive into the cold, clear water.

I didn't think to do a toe

test and surfaced, sputtering.

Ethan laughed and caught me in goose-bump-covered arms, hugging

me close. All hints of self-consciousness

dissolved, and my nakedness felt delicious

wrapped in Ethan's water-chilled skin.
I love

you,
he said,
and I don't know what that

means either, only that you're the most

important thing in my life. And I

don't want to be without you.

Then he kissed me with a passion he'd not before revealed. I tasted heaven. No

doubt of this heaven, no worries about which kingdom I'd attained, only the certainty that heaven, indeed, existed, right there in our perfect union.

370

No, We Didn't Make Love

Right there in the water, but we did merge in a powerful way.

That connection, skin to skin, no barriers, touched

brain as much as body.

It was more than a physical

awakening, more than the pulse of human closeness.

Ethan felt like part of me, something that couldn't

be excised without bleeding.

Our love was beginning to feel like "forever" love, a love to carry to the grave.

And, buzzed as I was,

I knew in my heart it wasn't just the beer talking.

371

P
eople Walked By

And I could sense their eyes, trying to pry beneath the water.

I didn't care one bit if they managed to see some forbidden something.

When they were out of sight,

Ethan and I dashed for our clothes.

He put on his boxers, I put on my long

T-shirt, nothing more except sandals.

Cool and wet, we wandered back to our blanket, hand in hand.

We both had another beer, thinking

we should postpone the inevitable.

Finally, I flopped down on my back, inviting his kiss . . . and more.

If I kiss you, I won't want to stop, don't know ifl could.

372

"I know, Ethan," I whispered, scared and excited and uncertain and not unsure at all.

And so he kissed me, everywhere, making me want to say yes even more.

And he wanted me, too, and he showed

me how to make him want me more.

It all felt so right, so how it should

be, that I begged him not to stop.

But he paused, long enough to find the protection he'd brought along.

While I waited, every nerve shouted

out to be pacified. And when he did . . .

373

I Cried

It wasn't that it hurt

because, except for a brief flash of pain it all felt perfectly

wonderful, perfectly

right.

Our bodies meshed, one, incredibly in sync.

In Ethan's arms,

I knew no

fear, in this ultimate act of giving, no

foreboding.

I cried for what

I had

lost, my best-kept

secret, given away.

374

I cried for what

I had

gained, the knowledge of Eden, irrevocably

learned.

375

I
n the Aftermath

I lay shivering, bathed in oppressive heat.

Ethan's promises soothed, every syllable sweet.

He held me tightly, as if he thought
I'd
fiee.

But I could never run

fast enough to break free of the demon
I'd
unleashed.

I loved Ethan just as much as

I had a few minutes before.

In the light of what we'd shared, perhaps I loved him more.

But when I closed my eyes

I didn't see Ethan's face.

Another Silhouette appeared in that dark and dappled space.

It resembled my father.

376

Couple More Beers

Made Daddy's face disappear, but mostly because the rest of the day is pretty much a blur.

We took another icy dip, washing away evidence.

Still, I didn't feel exactly clean.

Ethan insisted I try some lunch, great deli sandwiches

that tasted like cardboard.

Then we settled down beneath low, lacy branches for a nap before driving home.

I woke, minus the buzz, plus a pounding headache. In fact, I ached in places I never knew could ache.

Yet there was Ethan, beside me, looking more incredibly beautiful than ever.

He whispered a drowsy
7
love you.

377

And I settled into his arms, minus the buzz, plus a pounding headache, and I

said, "Make love to me."

378

J
ournal Entry, July 3

Okay, we did it. Ethan and I

made love. Twice. The first

time it kind of hurt, and maybe

I had too much beer to really

understand what a big step it was. Huge.

Nothing can ever again be

exactly the same.

The second time it was better, even if I didn't feel so hot.

(My first hangover--ugh!)

Ethan is so gentle, so caring.

Derek would have attacked, done the deed, and disappeared.

I'm so glad it was Ethan.

There were a couple of bad

moments--tobe sorefor days.

And tonight the guilt train is rolling right across my brain.

When we came through the door,

Aunt J took one look and I swear

379

she knew the whole score.

That woman is psychic! Or maybe

our body language gave it away.

Tm not worried about Aunt J.

But Dad is a whole other story.

380

The Fourth of July

Dawned warm and bright.

I stayed late in bed, Covers kicked

off, not asleep but thinking about the day before.

Where did it leave Ethan and me? Would we have to make love every time we

saw each other?

Maybe I wanted that? I

did and I didn't. I mean,

I didn't want that to become