Burned (22 page)

Whatever happens,
she said,

I want you to know that you

have given my life back to me.

It was a gift I never believed

possible, and I thank you, from the depths of my heart.

But more importantly, you are a gift, to all who know

you, whether or not they realize

it. Ifthey don't, they are blind.

You have a special place in this

world. All you have to do isfind

Do not give up on yourself on the truths you have realized.

Do not give in to those who would. crush your dreams like nutshells. And never turn

away from forever love.

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Climbing into Ethan's truck, driving away and back toward

Carson City, was sorrow, defined.

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We Made the Long Drive

Even longer, stopping

several times along the way to stretch our legs, enjoy the scenery and each other.

At lunchtime, we pulled off into a stand of trees.

Ethan reached down under the seat and extracted a sizeable cardboard box.

You hide this,
he said,
somewhere

your dad will never look. This is your trump card.

Inside the box was a pistol-- a 10mm semiautomatic.

It's accurate as hell. But

you need to practice now,

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and promise me you'll stay sharp.

He spent the next half hour

helping me master control of the FBFs favorite handgun.

I
wasn't sure where I could

hide it, but I was damn well

going to find a place. Armed with a gun like that, I felt safe, at least as safe as I was likely

o feel under my father's roof.

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About Fifteen Minutes

Away from home, we

stopped for a private

good-bye

And I tasted in our last

barrage of delectable

kisses a growing sense of dread.

And I felt in our final

embraces a streng premonition

not to let him go.

Promises to stay in touch via cell

phone helped a little.

Vows to visit when he could

helped not at all.

Tears

puddled, spilled, soaked

Ethan's shirt like a salty stream, fed by a downpour of despair, roiling into a river of mourning..

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He Dropped Me Off

Early evening, just past suppertime. Inside, we could

hear the apres-dinner commotion, and it almost felt like a welcome home.

Which was good, because I got no real

welcome home, other than the girls squealing

hello; Mom glancing up from the TV to say hi; and Dad and Johnnie, singing together out back.

I was glad Dad didn't see

Ethan. But Mom and the girls

did when he carried my bags to the door. Mom thought to ask who he was and I gave a generic answer, which she accepted without comment.

Jackie, of course, knew better. She waited for the scoop until later that night. Whisper time.

Mean while, I walked through the door with my

backpack füll of books and two

suitcases, one filled with homemade

clothes. The other carried a new cell and a new gun, tucked well inside a new

set of clothes and beneath a new quilt, which

Aunt J sent with me. No longer the new Pattyn.

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I knew that as soon as Dad stumbled into the kitchen.
Well, look

who's home. Get me a bowl
of ice cream.
With that, he let

me know from the get-go that life in the Von Straften house hadn't changed

one bit. And if I somehow thought
I
had, well, I was most definitely mistaken.

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I Got Dad His Ice Cream

Without comment, mostly because I didn't want to take a chance on a boxing match.

Maybe it was the L-tryptophan, or maybe it was just Johnnie, but Dad feil asleep early.

Mom stood and made her way to bed. She had definitely gained a lot more than an eight-pound baby.

It didn't seem the girls

had grown so much. Not as much as I had, anyway.

They were a lot easier to put to bed, though. Maybe they didn't

want to chance Dad's wrath either.

Jackie and I waited until the house was dead asleep before filling each other in.

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By then
,
I was so grateful for the silence that I really

didn't want to talk. But I did.

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W
e Both Held Back a Little

I talked about riding

horses, herding cattle, driving pickups.

She talked about camp--

swimming, arts and crafts,

LDS propaganda.

I told her I didn't go to one sacrament

meeting all summer.

She told me they went

every week, despite Mom's

morning sickness.

I talked about Aunt J, confessed her sordid

secrets about our father.

Which opened the door to Jackie's own confession about Dad's cruelty.

I listened to her outline his face slaps, hair yanks, and punches that bruised.

She didn't tell me then the worst of it--a belt beating

that made the welts bleed.

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I admitted almost everything about Ethan, omitting only the part about making love.

Jackie looked at my locket, my promise ring, and though she must have suspected the rest of it.

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She Respected That Secret

Never even asked the question

that had to have been on her mind.

Just like I respected her unfinished

tale, though I knew there was more.

Some confidences require the right

moment, even between favorite sisters.

We talked late into the night and it almost felt good being home, sharing a bed with someone I cared

about, and who cared about me, someone I could gush to about Ethan, someone eager to hear

that forever love wasn't just an invention of romance authors and fairy tales, but something vital and viable. Something to trust in and hold on to when the screaming

started and the blows fell.

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For Everyone Else

It was just like
I'd
never left, just like there had never been another Pattyn but the one

they'd chased away.

The next morning, we ate

breakfast, went to sacrament

meeting. No one at church

acted like
I'd
even been gone.

Bishop Crandall did offer an inquisitive stare, trying to assess the success--or failure--of my

summer punishment.

I tried not to look smug, to avoid

future problems, but it wasn't

easy, especially half listening to bogus testimonies.

Why hadn't I noticed it before--

how everyone said virtually the same thing and no one seemed blown

away by the meaning of their words?

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I mean, if God actuallytapped me on the Shoulder and whispered

truths into my ear,
I'd
definitely

be impressed! And
I'd
show it.

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And Then School Started

My senior year. I should

have been excited, but it just seemed lame.

Trigonometry.

Astronomy.

Government.

I needed them to graduate, but after that, what

for? I took creative

writing for English and for my elective,

Intro to Aviation, just in case I ever needed to fly an airplane. (Right after
I
bought my first

Ferrari!) I did need a

PE credit too. Lucky

me, they counted the shooting club. But all the rest--dances, pep

railies, football games--

meant nothing. And, with the exception of

Jackie, not one of my

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schoolmates meant a daran thing either.

I wasn't one of them, not that I'd ever
really

felt like I was. But now

I felt miles removed.

Miles above. And I

liked it up there.

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For One Thing

Up there, it was easy to look down on Derek and Carmen.

In fact, it wasn't hard to look down on Justin and Tiffany.

As for Becca and Emily and the rest of my seminary crowd, well, they'd always been relatively worthless, anyway.

I did buddy up with Trevor, a total germ whom I'd known since fifth grade, completely because he had a car--a beater, but who cared? At least I had a ride that wasn't Mom or Dad.

I could tell that Trevor liked

me, and I played that to the max.

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He was a good Mormon boy, meaning goofy, churchgoing, and soon in the market for a good Mormon wife.

He was just the kind of guy

my parents would approve of.

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I Tried to Talk to Ethan

Every day, usually at lunch.

Just hearing his voice

made everything all right.

His classes were hard, he said, but not nearly as hard as not having me close.

For me, forever love was only strengthened by distance. The weird thing

was, only months before,

I had thought this kind of love was something to veer

wide around. But I

wasn't afraid anymore.

Ethan was the first thing on my mind every morning.

He was the last thing

I thought of, drifting off.

I couldn't wait to see him, fall into his kisses, fold into his body.

Every atom of me missed him.

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T
he First Couple of Weeks

Things weren't so bad.

At school, I tried to project the new Pattyn.

Attractive. Desirable.

That did come in handy the first time I Turned a corner and ran into

Carmen and Derek.

I flashed a cool smile, put my nose in the air, and strode right by.

Here's the good part.

As I wiggled off in new

form-fitting jeans, I heard Carmen hiss,

Are
you checking her out?

I only wished they knew

where the self-confidence had come from, who had given me my smile.

Wouldn't Carmen take a second look at Derek? Wouldn't Tiffany turn

chartreuse with jealousy?

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I bet even Ms. Rose

would gawk and run home to her spicy novels.

And Ethan belonged to me.

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At Home

I reverted to the old Pattyn, the one unlikely to draw much

attention to herseif. Although

Mom was driving me crazy.

(Pattyn, please
go
check on
the girls. Pattyn, would you vacuum?

Pattyn, Start the veggies--
like she was eating them!)

I tried to stay patient with the girls. But for three of us, hormones were an issue.

The others bickered constantly.

(I had that first.
"Did not."

You give it back.
"I won't.

"
I'll tell Mom and she'll tell Dad--

that last one often worked.)

Dad was getting ready to go

hunting. Lucky him, he got a deer tag. Tell the truth, he was as relaxed as. I'd ever seen him.

(Gonnafill up that freezer with venison, long as I can get

far enough up in those hüls--

meaning pray we don't get early snow.)

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Privately, I thought venison was secondary. He missed

killing, and now he'd have

Aa chance to
Scratch
that itch.

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