Broken & Damaged Love (6 page)

But she was determined to get over her past. It wasn’t fair on Julian to keep delaying. And part of her really wanted to be with him.

She wanted to be ‘normal’. She tried to calm herself. Julian paused in his kisses.

In a breathy voice, he said, “Oh Tina. I love you sweetheart.”

Tina’s head was suddenly filled with flashbacks of her father using those very same words. She screamed as they crashed through her mind. Julian was frozen to the spot, completely shocked.

“Get off me. Get off me. Get off me,” she shouted.

She started pummelling her fists and trying to kick her legs.

Julian managed to come to his senses and sprung back up to his feet.

“Tina. What the fuck?” he asked, still stunned.

“Get off,” she carried on screaming.

“I’m off. I’m off. What the hell’s going on?”

“No. Make it stop. Make it stop,” she yelled, limbs flailing.

Julian freaked out. He didn’t have a clue what to do.

“Tina?”

“Oh God help me,” she cried, putting her hands to her head, trying to stop the images from forming.

“You’ve gone fucking crazy,” Julian exclaimed, his face ashen.

But she was caught up in her own nightmare and didn’t hear him.

He was so scared. In hindsight he would regret it, but he ran away in terror. He just wanted to get away from the banshee in front of him.

What the hell had he done to make her react like that? She was totally batshit crazy. No wonder nobody else had dated her. She should come with a warning note.

Tina was left alone on her bed to cry. She finally got the images to stop, but her tears continued to flow long after.

How long was she going to be haunted by her past? She felt like it was always going to be there. She couldn’t see any way she’d ever be rid of it.

It took a considerable amount of time to realise Julian wasn’t there. Then she started crying all over again.

Wow, she’d really fucked up. There was no way he would ever go near her again. She must have looked like a complete psycho.

If only he’d not used those words. She’d been really proud of herself up until then, she had become tense, but she thought she would have been OK.

Sadly, Tina’s fears were confirmed. She saw Julian the next day at college and he could barely look at her.

She tried to talk to him but he turned away. It was days before he would actually listen to what she had to say.

“Julian. Will you just let me apologise?” she finally shouted at him outside.

She was desperate and frustrated and hurt.

“Fine. You’re sorry.”

“Yes, I really am. It wasn’t you.”

“Yeah, it’s not you it’s me.”

“But it really is.”

“Just save it, Tina. I don’t know what happened, but I really don’t want to hear it. There’s no way I’m going there with you again. I’ll always be expecting you to freak out.

“I’m sure there’s a really good excuse. But I just can’t handle it. I’m sorry. I really liked you. But this is too much for me. It’s over.”

Tina’s heart sank to her stomach. She knew he was right. She’d hurt him with her outburst. He would never trust her again.

It was for all the wrong reasons, but she agreed there was no going back now. What she thought was love was yet just another deception in her life. 

Just as Tina had begun to hope something good was going to happen in her life she just found she’d made it worse.

She cursed herself for flipping out. She really couldn’t blame Julian for distancing himself.

So, she was back to square one, just relying on herself to get her through.

Her counselling course had ended, and her mother wasn’t prepared to pay for further sessions.

As a result Tina had plunged back into her pit of despair. Dark thoughts consumed her.

She wondered what the point was in living. She couldn’t see anything bright in her future.

She didn’t feel she’d ever be able to have a ‘normal’ relationship, her dad was in prison, her mum still seemed to hold it against her, and she had nobody to talk to.

She kept hoping she’d get a sign, some sort of Divine Intervention to give her some hope, but none came.

Tina had retreated back into her shell. She hadn’t fully come out anyway. She’d merely popped her head out, found it wasn’t safe, and crept back inside, into a sort of hibernation.

She immersed herself in her studies, hoping that would give her a way out.

The summer holidays arrived, and Tina was relieved. She was able to shut herself away in her bedroom and paint.

Her art teacher at school had been really encouraging, and her talent grew. She wasn’t doing art at college, but she no longer needed guidance.

There were some art books in the college library that she’d come across, with fantasy figures in. It had given her inspiration, and she’d sketched some characters, which now she had time to develop.

She sat down with her brush in hand, and started painting the dark green hues of a lush tropical forest.

The forest was dark as it was night time, but a full moon shone down in a clearing, highlighting a magnificent white unicorn.

A beautiful fairy with softened, glowing wings approached the animal.

There was a pool of water behind them, shimmering in the moonlight.

But all else was dark around the scene. Tina immersed herself in the scene, getting lost in its depths.

It made her happy to see the union of fairy and unicorn. Each new layer of paint seemed to offer Tina a new temptation to explore further.

It took her ages to finish the picture, but she was pleased with the end result.

Her next project was to find out where they were headed. A sunset appeared, and the fairy was riding the unicorn this time.

In the distance, along the horizon was a beautiful castle, white with a faint blue shimmer, but golden in the sun’s dawning rays.

The pair were travelling along a winding path towards the castle. She felt they’d been riding all night.

Each day Tina would sit at her art desk, getting lost in the magical kingdom her brush created. She felt excited by the journey the fairy was on, and wanted to see where her next adventure would take her.

The summer slipped by with Tina going on adventures conjured by her own hand.

By the time she went back to college she was feeling much better. It was as if the drawings themselves were giving her hope, but the fairy castle was still a long way off.

Tina sat in the library at college, perusing another art book. She was still keeping up with her official studies, but today she wanted to get some more ideas for her paintings.

She was looking at some very menacing goblins when a male voice at her back startled her. She physically jumped as he said hello.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you jump,” the voice said.

“Umm…I was just a bit lost. Sorry. Hello.”

Tina stumbled across the words as the boy walked to her side and she looked up into a pair of smiling hazel eyes, which were just about visible through the curtain of a shaggy brown fringe.

They were the kind of eyes that were framed with eyelashes which made their owner look like he was wearing mascara (which he wasn’t). He was beautiful.

“Interesting friends you have there,” the boy commented, nodding at the goblins.

Tina smiled bashfully, “Oh, they’re not friends. But they are interesting. I was thinking of using them in my next painting.”

“You paint? I’ve not seen you in class.”

“Oh, it’s just a hobby,” she admitted with a nervous laugh.

“You have a hobby painting goblins?”

“Not really. So far it’s a fairy and a unicorn.

She blushed as she realised how girly and ridiculous that sounded. But to her amazement, the boy didn’t mock her.

“Well, it sounds more cheerful than my vampires and demons. But sadly I’m having to do the token bowl of fruit for class. Just how clichéd? It’s really dull. I’m trying to find a way of livening it up. I came here for ideas.”

“Well, everyone paints it just as they see it, right? So, I would paint them the wrong colours, like a green orange, or an orange banana.”

“Hey, that’s not bad. Challenging the viewer’s perspective.”

“Of course, if you like vampires, you could add fangs?”

“I think that may be a little too challenging. Although I do like the idea of killer fruit,” he laughed.

He laughed a little too loudly, and the girl sitting opposite glowered in his direction. The pair looked at each other with mock shocked expressions.

“Oops. Maybe we should continue this conversation elsewhere?”

“You don’t really want to do that.”

“No? I thought I just said I did? My mistake.”

“No. You will just end up regretting it. Trust me.”

“Can I make up my own mind?”

The other girl glowered again, and this time added a ‘shh!’

Tina rolled her eyes, “Fine.”

She picked up the book and checked it out before heading outside with…Who was he?

“Ummm…I’m Tina,” she said as they stepped into the sunlight.

“I’m Frank. Sorry, I probably should have said that already. It’s a bit difficult to talk properly in places like that.”

He was wincing as the sun hit his eyes.

“Oh gosh, you’re not an actual vampire yourself, are you, Frank?” she teased.

“Yes, and I’m going to suck your blood,” he laughed back, starting to chase her with his arms stretched high.

Tina squealed and began to run. She laughed. It felt good.

She couldn’t remember the last time she’d laughed like this. Her face fell serious as she realised maybe she never had.

Frank led her to the shade of a tree, where they sat on the ground. It was September, but there was still warmth in the air.

“Are you OK? I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m not really a vampire.”

“I gathered. Otherwise you’d be a pile of ash by now.”

“So, what was the black cloud?”

“Black cloud?” she echoed the query.

“Yes. The one that suddenly fell over your head.”

“Oh. That. Nothing really.”

“Fair enough. I didn’t mean to pry. I have enough of them myself. I suppose it lets me see others. But you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want. I totally understand secrets.”

“You do?”

“Yeah, I really do.”

It was Frank’s turn to look sad. He wanted to get back onto safer territory

Tina pulled the library book out of her bag.

“Oh look at this guy. He’s perfectly menacing,” she said, pointing to a grim looking goblin.

Frank made an exaggerated shudder, “Oooooh. He’d put some of my demons to shame. Tell you what. I’ll offer you a challenge. You use him in your painting and I’ll use him in one of mine, and then we can judge who makes him the most menacing.”

“I don’t know. I’ve never shown anyone my work. Well, there was my art teacher at school, but she didn’t see this stuff. I’m only just starting really. It’s not good enough to show.”

Frank put his face close to hers, “Just as well I’m not asking you to put it in an exhibition. Just show me. I won’t tell anyone, I promise.”

His hazel eyes were shining with mischief, but somehow Tina found herself trusting him. She didn’t even pull back when he was invading her space.

She found herself accepting the challenge. Frank made a quick sketch of the gruesome goblin in his pad, and they parted company.

Tina started on her picture the minute she got home. She already knew what she wanted to try to achieve.

The fairy was still riding the unicorn, but the path had taken a steep turn, and they started heading into a shadier spot, with trees starting to encroach on the path.

The goblin jumped out of the forest, startling the unicorn. But the fairy was braced and ready with her own magic starting to emerge like electricity from her fingertips.

She worked all weekend on her project, and every evening after college for the next week.

She’d splashed out on a small canvas and quick drying acrylics for this one. If she was going to show someone else, she wanted it to have a chance of looking presentable.

The allotted ‘reveal’ day finally came, and Tina was just about ready to show Frank her work. She was really nervous. She really wanted him to like it. He was actually studying art, so she viewed him as an authority on the subject.

They were sat outside by the tree again, with sun shining its rays through the leaves, leaving a warm dappled light illuminating Tina’s hair.

“Come on then, let’s have a look,” Frank said eagerly.

Tina bit her lip, feeling very uncertain. Her friend noticed her hesitation.

“I’ll show you mine if you show me yours,” he cajoled.

“That’s not funny,” she admonished.

For her those words cut like a knife through her soul. What should be harmless banter wounded Tina deeply. They brought back horrific memories which made her bottom lip tremble.

Noticing her distress Frank felt bad.

“Shit, I’m sorry. Look, no pressure OK?” he soothed. “You can show me your drawing when you’re ready.”

Tina shook her head, her hair falling over her face.

“No, it’s not that,” she said with her eyes looking at the ground. 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No,” she yelped, terrified where this conversation was going.

No-one must know. Nobody must ever know, she thought.

Her eyes had grown wide with fear, and her body was coiling to flee. But Frank took a subtle sideways shuffle away from her, and reached into his bag.

“Here’s mine. It’s not really what I had hoped, but you can see it anyway,” he offered apologetically.

His calm demeanour, and lack of his own self confidence made Tina pause.

She peeked around her cascading fringe. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Frank reach into his portfolio and slowly pull out a dark picture.

He had drawn a whole army of fearsome goblins, all of whom were brandishing weapons. It was drawn in wax pastels, but in dark reds and blacks.

The goblins faces alone were pale, but twisted and smeared with blood. Tina wasn’t sure who their enemy was, but she didn’t think she’d like to be them.

They really were a fearsome lot. She looked into each of their faces and saw hatred and rage in their snarling mouths.

There were several wounded warriors, but they were being trodden over by the rest of the hoard in their rush to battle.

As she looked deeper she saw body parts strewn around too. It was a scene worthy of Vlad the Impaler himself.

Tina dragged her eyes away from the picture and into her friend’s gentle face. Could he really have drawn such a nightmare? How could he even imagine this pain?

This torment that seemed to express her own angst. And she suddenly realised she did want to fight.

She wanted to do battle with her own nightmares. She just wasn’t sure how. How could she fight a man locked in prison?

“Sorry. I told you it wasn’t that good,” Frank’s words yanked her away from her inner monologue.

She blinked at him a moment.

“Sorry to bring you back to Earth, space cadet. You alright?” he asked.

But Tina could only nod blankly at him, her mouth slightly parted. She shook herself back to reality.

“It’s really good. Sorry. I was just wondering…I mean…how did you…? It’s so dark!” she finally managed to blurt out.

“I told you; dark clouds,” he said as if that explained everything.

Finding a little confidence, Tina reached into her own bag and pulled out her pad, and bashfully revealed her own picture.

It felt like a childish daydream now. Her fairy almost mocked her ludicrous notion of fear. But she heard a gasp next to her.

“Wow,” Frank exclaimed. “Now, that’s way more scary.”

“Don’t. You don’t have to placate me. Please. You won.”

“Are you kidding me? Mine’s a scene of war. But this? This is a beautiful place of serenity, where you feel safe. It should be nirvana, but here on this peaceful path, just out of sight so you don’t see it until it’s too late is this dark patch of woods, and out jumps this guy. You’d be caught completely off guard, and would be completely at his mercy, unable to fight back.

“My guys know they’re there to fight, but your fairy is in mortal peril. It is the destruction of the pure in a moment. Tina, it’s brilliant.”

But as he looked up he saw tears streaming down Tina’s cheeks.

“Tina, what’s wrong?”

“You…you saw all that in there?”

“Uh huh.”

“I didn’t mean…it’s not supposed... you’re not supposed to see.”

She snatched her picture back, nearly ripping it, and ran away. Once more Tina found herself sobbing her heart out in a girls toilets.

But this time there was no Mrs Strauss to help her come out again.

The ‘end of lunch’ bell sounded, and she knew she had to pull herself together.

Tina drew some deep breaths, which were jagged at first. She pried open the cubicle door and checked to make sure she was alone, and once she was sure the coast was clear she slid over to the sink to splash her face with cold water.

She looked at the red rimmed eyed reflection and shook her head, and let her hair fall back down into her face.

She looked at the ground as she slowly made her way out of her sulk hole.

A pair of smart sneakers fell into step next to her. She stopped. She looked up.

She stared into a hazel glare that was all at once concerned and confused. Frank’s shaggy brown mane looked dishevelled.

“I’m so sorry. I had to make sure you’re OK. Are you? OK, I mean,” Frank rambled nervously.

Tina nodded, her lips tightly sucked in, so you couldn’t see the pink at all.

“I get carried away sometimes. Your picture is really good though, you know,” he continued.

“No. I don’t know. It’s bad. Very bad. Please just leave me alone,” she replied, ashamed of her outburst, and embarrassed at how much he’d seen.

She started to walk off but a soft hand was immediately on her elbow, tugging her to halt. Not aggressively, just the gentlest touch that invited rather than commanded her compliance. It made her feel better, and Tina did indeed slow to a halt.

“You have soft hands,” she exclaimed.

It was a foolish observation at a time like this, but it’s what struck her most in the moment.

“Yeah, well, I use
mild green Fairy Liquid
,” he sang to the tune of the washing up liquid jingle, smiling and holding his hands in front of him.

Tina found herself giggling again. Frank really was quite funny and came out with the most surprising things at random moments.

“So you’re OK, yeah?” he checked.

“Yeah. Thanks. Look, I’d better get to class, but I’ll see you later, OK?”

He agreed and they went their separate ways. Frank’s teacher didn’t even notice his late entrance to class. Tina’s did though.

“Is everything OK?” was asked with genuine care, but made Tina feel even more awkward.

She blushed a deep crimson as she nodded and took her seat.

She bit her lip, but then let a broad smile take place as she thought of Frank’s advert impression.

He was a good person to know, she decided. He made her feel better about herself, and she felt she could trust him. And he clearly cared; he’d waited all that time for her to emerge from her meltdown.

Time wore on, and their friendship continued to grow. Yet still Tina questioned it.

Tina struggled to concentrate in class. She was thinking of a pair of hazel eyes, radiating kindness. She had come to trust Frank in such a short space of time it was alarming.

History had shown her not to trust anyone, and she’d come to rely on herself. Why was she letting him so close?

He’d seen a hidden depth to her picture she’d not realised was there herself. It scared her and comforted her all at once.

She felt she ought to explain more, not knowing just how much of her he’d actually pieced together. She needed him to know the truth.

It was suddenly important to her. But at the same time she didn’t know if she could bring herself to say the words. How would she even start a conversation like that? Her stomach tied itself into knots, and her head hurt as all the contradictions hit against each other. 

She had held so much inside for so long, it was just bursting to come out. Her instincts told her to trust kind, gentle Frank.

He’d shown concern for her, which was more than a lot of people had done recently. Yes, she could tell him her story. Couldn’t she? What if he did run away? She’d be all alone again, and she’d already started to grow a relationship with him.

She instinctively felt a deep connection to him and she was afraid of losing it. It was becoming a lifeline.

But what if she didn’t tell him? She felt as if she’d be lying. How much had he learned from her picture? The words he’d started to say…it was like he’d looked straight into her soul. And if he had guessed then what was the harm of filling in the blanks?

She’d deliberately kept their conversations light since that day. She had avoided her dark place at all costs. She had felt herself being pulled away from the darkness by Frank. She wouldn’t let herself go back. Did talking about her past mean that’s what she’d be doing? Would it take her back to the darkness?

“Tina, are you OK?” the teacher was asking her again.

Tina hadn’t consciously heard her the first time.

Tina raised her head over the top of her arms, which were folded on the desk and looked bleary eyed at her inquisitor.

“Yeah. I’m fine,” she said meekly.

“Then eyes this way please,” her teacher said pointing towards the whiteboard.

She obeyed, but her thoughts were still miles away.

At the end of the day Tina, taking lots of deep breaths, made her way down the long corridor towards Frank’s classroom.

She saw him walking towards her, which made her smile, then her breath caught as she remembered why she was there.

“We need to talk,” she declared.

“Oooo kaaay..,” Frank replied uncertainly.

“Can you come to mine? I can’t talk here.”

He nodded and they headed over to Tina’s in total silence. Tina was still contemplating what to say, and Frank just didn’t know what to say. Tina opened her front door, which felt heavy.

It was quite dark in the house, but she didn’t switch the lights on. Frank went to reach for the switch but she stopped him.

“No, it’s better this way,” she explained and led him to the sofa.

She sat as far away from him as she could.

Feeling restless, Tina dashed to the kitchen and gulped down a glass of her mum’s wine, needing some Dutch courage.

Was she really going to go ahead with this lunacy? The flashbacks started coming in thick and fast, and she felt her bile rising. Just another quick sip of wine?

Frank’s voice called her back to the present moment, “Tina are you OK?”

She sat back down as he queried, “Tina, you’re scaring me. What’s wrong? Is it something I said? I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you,” he began, looking increasingly worried.

He had already begun to cherish this friendship. He didn’t make friends easily and he was scared he’d just really messed up.

“No. It’s not you, it’s me,” Tina tried to say to comfort him.

It just made him smirk.

“I bet you say that to all the boys.”

“Please. Don’t,” Tina said, trying to remain serious. “Look, my picture. You saw something in it that day.”

“It was nothing. Sorry. Forget I said anything.”

“Will you please just shut up? This is hard enough already.”

“OK. Sorry,” Frank said, motioning zipping his lips shut.

Tina turned her body so she wasn’t looking at Frank at all.

“That place you said about; the one that should have been safe? It’s here. My house. The ones who should have protected me are the ones who did me most harm.”

Frank’s breath hitched, but he remained silent.

It was lucky Tina couldn’t see his face. If she’d been able to see his look of horror she wouldn’t have been able to continue.

He’d already guessed, but he’d hoped he was wrong. To hear Tina confirming his worst fears for her was appalling. He was shocked.

“It started when I was very little,” Tina bravely went on. “My mum went out to work, leaving my dad to look after me.”

She felt a hand cover her own, which was gripping onto the sofa cushion.

“You don’t have to carry on if you don’t want to,” Frank whispered hoarsely.

The words were struggling to get past the lump in his throat. Tina hadn’t even felt him edge up to her.

She shook her head.

“No. I have to do this.”

She felt a squeeze around her shoulders, and she felt some courage stir within her. She’d half expected him to have bolted out the door by now, but of course, sweet Frank wouldn’t do that. She should have known.