Broken & Damaged Love (9 page)

It wasn’t long before one of his friends started catching Frank’s eye more.

The odd glances would last a little bit longer. The air would sizzle between them, before dying down as they were tugged back into conversation by the others.

There was a moment when they were out in the pub; when Jake was putting Frank’s pint glass down and their hands brushed, and Frank thought his world was exploding.

Just that one simple touch ignited so many wondrous feelings. He daren’t look at his friend. In fact, he looked in the opposite direction.

He fidgeted in his seat, hoping his sudden erection wasn’t showing. He checked to make sure his lap was hidden under the table.

He blushed, feeling as if the whole world were watching him. He heard laughter; one of his friends had obviously said something funny which he was oblivious to.

He plastered on a grin, but out of the corner of his eyes he saw Jake’s smiling face cast a glance in his direction.

That tension was back in a heartbeat. Frank excused himself and went to the toilets.

He splashed cold water on his face, but that did nothing but make him wet. He took a deep breath; he was panicking.

The world felt like it was caving in on him whilst simultaneously spinning out of control.

He passed by his table of friends, muttering something about, “Sorry guys. I’m not feeling well. It must’ve been that dodgy canteen food. I’m just going to call it a night.”

“Already? But we only just got here,” one of the group griped.

“Yeah. Sorry. I thought I’d be OK once I was out, but I’m not. There’s no point torturing myself. You guys have fun.”

And with that he beat a hasty retreat before anyone could stop him.

“I hope he’s OK. He was looking awfully flushed,” Fiona said, sounding concerned.

“I’m sure he’s fine. I’ll check on him later,” Jake volunteered.

“Just make sure you do. He shouldn’t be on his own if he’s that unwell.”

Feeling reassured that one of them would check on him they carried on with their night without another thought of Frank.

Frank in the meantime had gone back to his room.

He felt utterly ridiculous. What the hell was wrong with him? He was letting his imagination run wild (he tried to convince himself).

It was an innocent touching of hands. It didn’t mean anything. He didn’t even know if Jake was gay.

No, he was being absurd. But he couldn’t go back now. He’d made such a fuss about being ill. He couldn’t waltz back in having made a miraculous recovery.

He flumped down on his bed. He got up and paced around. He sank back down. He did this numerous times, and started to annoy even himself.

He shook his head ‘Get a grip,’ he whispered to himself, running his hands through his hair.

Lying back down on his bed his teeth bit into his lower lip as he smiled. Jake’s hands were lovely and soft. And his wavy, soft dirty blonde hair was so tempting. Every so often he got a waft of some heavenly scent as he sat next to his friend.

Oh, but the way he looked at him tonight! Those blue eyes looking at only him, with those beautiful lips smiling. Those lips he would love to kiss, but dared not to. ‘I bet they taste of strawberry lip balm’ Frank pondered. ‘They do look very pink; he must use some sort of tinted thing’. ‘Would a straight man use lip balm?’

Frank got up to go to the loo. He didn’t bother pulling his jeans back on. He kicked them to the side of the bathroom.

By the time he got back to his bed there was a trail of clothes in his wake. ‘Might as well turn in for the night’, he thought despondently. ‘I’d really like to find out about those lips though.’ His mind was wandering back to Jake.

His nostrils flared as his senses remembered the fresh, clean aroma of Jake’s aftershave. He breathed in deeply as his hand found his cock.

Frank imagined walking back into the bar. ‘Sorry, I forgot to tell Jake something…’ he’d say as he strode up to him and kissed Jake’s inviting lips.

The whole pub would gawp at them, and they wouldn’t care. Jake’s tongue would find his own, and they’d lap at each other, hungry for more. Frank’s hand would reach up to Jake’s cheek, and bring him closer. ‘I’ve wanted to do that for the longest time,’ Jake would confess. He would follow Frank out of the pub, and they’d run up the road to Frank’s room.

They’d be laughing as they climbed the stairs two a time in their haste. Frank’s hand would be shaking as he started stripping.

But Jake would keep getting in furtive, reassuring kisses. Jake would look deep into his eyes, longingly and lovingly.

Frank would lie on his bed, and Jake would be next to him. At last he would know what it was like to have a warm body next to his.

Frank cried out as his hand stroked his cock faster. He imagined Jake’s hand in the place of his, rubbing him steadily whilst kissing him. “Aaahhhoooaaahhh,” Frank cried as he came, sadly by his own hand.

Almost immediately Frank felt deflated, knowing he’d never have that amount of courage. And even if he did, Jake would probably turn out to be straight, so his efforts would be rewarded with mockery and rejection. He was just a freak.

He thought about phoning Tina to help cheer him up, but he decided it was too late for that. So he just sulked his way into a fitful sleep.

Frank slept in the next morning. It was Saturday and there was nothing to get up for.

He just laid there, moping about his lost chance. He was beating himself up for being a coward. But how could he do anything but what he did?

He was accepted by a group of friends for the first time in his life, and he wasn’t about to go and mess it all up by coming on to a guy who may or may not be gay.

He felt hopeless, and that happiness he’d glimpsed seemed to diminish.

There was a knock at his door. He couldn’t see any sign of his roommate. ‘Well, at least somebody got lucky,’ he thought as he heaved himself out of bed.

This was probably him now, and he’d just forgotten his key. Frank realised, just as the knock was repeated that he was stark bollock naked.

“Hang on a minute,” he shouted in the direction of the door, as he grabbed his bath robe, and tightly fastened the belt.

He may share a room with someone, but that someone didn’t need to see his bits this early in the day (or at all if Frank could help it).

Frank’s jaw dropped as he opened the door to a dirty blonde, who was looking as impeccable as ever. And there he was a scrunched up mess. Frank willed the world to open up and swallow him into a hole, which of course it neglected to do.

“Morning. And how’s the patient this morning?” Jake asked good naturedly.

“Mmm, a bit better I think, thanks.”

Frank scratched his head, not quite sure how to phrase the next sentence.

“I don’t mean to sound rude, but what are you doing here?”

Jake walked in with a carrier bag in hand.

“Well, Fiona mentioned she was worried when you left, so I promised her I’d drop by. I brought goodies in case you felt up to eating,” he announced, holding up the bag as evidence.

God, did he have to smile like that? Would it be too forward to ask if he was on offer as one of the “goodies”? Frank decided yes, it would be far too bold of him.

“Ummm…thanks.”

‘Wow, let him know how you feel’, Frank inwardly chastised himself.

“So, you up for it?”

“Sorry?” Frank’s eyes popped out on stalks (talk about forward!).

“Breakfast?” Jake clarified.

“You sure you’re feeling OK? You still look a bit feverish.”

Jake put a hand to Frank’s forehead, almost making him swoon in the process.

“Maybe I need to sit down,” Frank suggested as he wandered over back to his bed.

“Toast or bagels?”

“Just toast is fine. Thank you.”

“Be back in a jiffy,” Jake said as he made his way to the shared kitchen, leaving the door on the latch.

Frank collapsed back on his bed. Was he dreaming? Or did Jake really just come into his room?

He sat bolt upright; ‘shit!’ He quickly ran through to the bathroom, picking up his discarded clothes.

He didn’t have time for a shower unfortunately, but he did run a brush through his hair, and quickly sprayed some deodorant on. Oh, and a pair of boxers.

He really wasn’t up to displaying his crown jewels just yet, so he quickly swiped a clean pair from his drawer. He had just about pulled them on when the door opened again. Phew!

Jake was carrying a tray with hot buttered toast and a cup of tea. He made Frank sit down and eat his offering, whilst he took a chair nearby and watched.

“Aren’t you eating?”

“No, I ate before I came over. I wasn’t sure if you’d be up for it.”

Jake explained, whilst wearing his signature smile.

That twinkle was in his eyes too. Did he mean that double entendre? Frank shook his head as he munched his way through his toast. He ate in silence.

Neither one of the boys knew what to say or do. Once Frank had finished his breakfast Jake got up and took his plate and empty mug.

“OK, back off to bed with you. You need rest. I’ll see you when I see you. Text me if you need anything else.”

And with that he dashed out to wash up and get back on his merry way.

Frank sat in the same spot, dumbfounded. ‘What the fuck??’

He was more confused than ever. Jake just made him breakfast? Yes. Yes, that actually just happened.

But he only did so because Fiona had been worried? And he didn’t exactly stay around to chat.

Was it just civic duty? But he thought he saw… no. His imagination was running wild.

If he’d been interested he would have hung around.

Or maybe he had been interested until he saw and smelled Frank in his dishevelled state and had thought better of it?

Frank was now well and truly confused. On one hand his friend had just shown incredible kindness, but on the other he’d brushed it off as being somebody else’s suggestion. 

Should he ask Jake outright? No, he couldn’t be that blatant. But now he was nervous about just bumping into him; what would he say? How would he act?

To be honest, Frank just wanted to avoid Jake altogether to avoid any awkwardness at all. And that’s just what he did.

He fobbed his mates off with, “I’m really far behind, and I’ve got a whole pile of studying to catch up on.”

They bought it (or at least seemed to), so Frank gradually became a lonesome recluse once more. It was amazingly easy. He found the solitude quite comforting; like an old friend.

Talking of old friends, he did still admit Tina into his inner sanctum.

Well, actually they’d meet up for coffee; his one excuse for going into ‘the outside world’, just as long as it wasn’t one of his usual haunts where he may bump into anyone.

He really did study during this period, and as a result actually got good grades. Well, it was a good distraction from thinking about Jake. And boy, did he need a distraction.

Every so often his mind would wander back to his friend, and then he’d turn himself inside out and round in circles with all the possibilities.

He had spoken to Tina about his conundrum, who of course had counselled, “Frank. The only way to find out is to ask.”

“I can’t
ask
,” he exclaimed in horror. “I can’t just go up and say, hey man, so you gay or what? Fancy a date sometime?”

“Well, live in doubt then,” Tina huffed.

Her friend was being obstinately childish and after a few weeks the conversation was getting ‘old’. 

How many times did she have to tell him? OK, so she knew he couldn’t blatantly ask, but there were ways and means.

She’d find a way herself, but as Frank had stopped seeing the group she couldn’t really invite herself along. As much as they’d accepted her, she was still an outsider in her mind.

“Did I do something wrong?” a voice asked next to Frank’s ear as he came out the lecture theatre.

He turned to see Jake trailing him.

“No,” was all he could say as he shook his head and picked up his pace.

“Frank just stop will you? I need to talk to you.”

But Frank was practically breaking into a run now. He couldn’t have this conversation. His heart was racing at 90mph, and his palms were sweaty. He was in full flight mode.

He was feeling dizzy and was glad to finally make it out into the open air at last. He tried gulping in deep breaths as he strode across the grounds. He almost fell over when he bumped into a solid mass.

Jake, fed up with being ignored had jogged ahead and was standing right in front of him. Frank didn’t dare look up. He couldn’t. He suddenly found the concrete path fascinating.

“Frank. I’m sorry. Whatever I’ve done I’m sorry. None of us have seen you for weeks. We’re worried. And I’ve got a feeling it’s something I’ve done, so I’m sorry, OK?”

Jake said this as he put his thumb and forefinger under Frank’s chin. He was desperate to see the boy’s eyes, to try to get some clue as to what his friend was thinking. He was astonished to see tears forming in the corners of those hazel orbs.

“Fuck,” Jake whispered as it was his turn to gasp.

“I’m so so sorry,” was all he could get out around the lump in his throat.

He hadn’t realised how upset Frank was.

“Not here,” Frank said abruptly.

Jake grabbed Frank’s hand and dragged him away from the all too public space.

He had him, that’s all that mattered right in that moment. Frank had been too shocked to run any more, and part of him desperately wanted to curl up in Jake’s arms and feel safe.

Frank was utterly bewildered, and just let himself be led across the green, down a path, past the water feature, down a grassy slope, and past some bushes.

They were now completely alone in a grassy secluded spot.

Still holding Frank’s hand Jake sat on the (only slightly damp) grass, bringing Frank down with him.

They sat in silence for a minute, side by side. Both were trying to collect their thoughts.

Words weren’t forming, and neither one knew what to say. Jake was terrified of frightening Frank off, who was in turn petrified of saying something completely wrong.

Jake took Frank’s hand in his. “Frank. I’m sorry I scared you. It’s the last thing I ever wanted to do. I don’t know what I did. But I’m sorry.”

His green eyes were staring straight into Frank’s. The sincerity in that emerald gaze was clear, but Frank was still unsure of himself.

“You…Jake…no. I…fuck it!”

Frank took a deep breath and closed his eyes to be away from the field of green which was mesmerising him.

“Jake. You make me feel like I’ve never felt before.”

He let out his breath in one long whoosh. There, he’d said something. Oh shit, he’d said too much.

“You like me?” Jake carefully asked and got a slow nod in response.

“Like me more than a friend?”

Frank nodded, more eagerly but still with his eyes closed and his head turned away from Jake slightly.

“And you’re scared I don’t return those feelings?”

Another nod.

That’s all he needed. Jake moved ever so carefully closer and planted those full pink lips on Frank’s.

They merely brushed against them in a butterfly kiss, querying, asking if this was OK. Frank’s eyes popped wide open at the contact.

Jake was hovering dangerously close, asking for more. He could feel his breath on his face. One look into those lust filled eyes and Frank was lost.

Electricity spiked through his core, making his heart race again. He felt heat stir deep in his loins as he pushed his mouth closer.

Jake’s hand came up to Frank’s cheek to gently bring his mouth the rest of the way to his. Their lips locked, and Jake’s tongue softly invaded Frank’s mouth. He groaned as Frank reacted and let his tongue caress his.

Frank’s hand reached round to the back of Jake’s head, urging him onward. Their breathing became ragged as they fully embraced one another, swept away by a tide of lust which had been locked away for too long.

It was like a dam bursting as it washed over them. The torrent of emotions were swirling around them as they kissed hungrily, their mouths moving in unison.  They had both closed their eyes as they gave in to the power of desire.

Frank was the first to break away, drawing deep breaths. He wanted more, but he had forgotten where they were.

Although secluded, it was by no means certain nobody else would come along. His eyes went wide in the horror of the thought. What if somebody had seen them?

“Frank…?” Jake’s voice was filled with caution and concern as he saw his look.

Frank gazed at him, speechless.

“You have to tell me what you’re thinking.” Jake pleaded.

“I can’t. I don’t know. Fuck and wow, but fuck,” Frank spluttered.

“Still unsure if I feel the same way?”

That twinkle was back in Jake’s eyes as he mischievously asked the obvious.

“No. I think you’ve made your feelings clear.”

“So, what..?”

“What if somebody had seen us?”

Jake rolled his eyes and shrugged.

“So what if they had?”

“Aren’t you ashamed?”

It was Jake’s turn to look shocked. Frank’s words cut him like a knife.

“Ashamed?” he almost shouted.

“Yeah ashamed. What I feel for you is
not
normal, Jake!”

Jake stood up, and his voice was filled with anger.

“Well, I truly am sorry Frank. Sorry for debasing you in such a disgusting fashion. How dare I feel love towards a fellow human being? You didn’t seem to struggle much. But I guess you’re right and I’m wrong. Let’s just run away and pretend these feelings don’t exist!”

He turned and started to walk away.

Frank rose to his feet too, but it was too late. Jake was already stomping off through the university grounds.

“Jake wait,” he shouted, but to no avail.

Frank plummeted back down on the ground in a heap. What a mess! He began to cry.

He let his head drop as he sat cross legged, and let the tears drop from his cheeks. He raked his hands through his hair as his head hung down.

How had he managed to turn the most wonderful, beautiful moment of his life into the worst? ‘What a loser,’ he admonished himself.

He felt wretched and lonelier than ever. He immediately realised he couldn’t hang out with his friends any longer as Jake would be there.

In one foul swoop he’d wiped out his entire social life. What had he done? How had this happened? This is the very thing he’d been trying to avoid.

Why had Jake had to come after him? A weight plummeted in Frank’s stomach as it dawned on him Jake had come to offer him everything he thought he’d been craving. The ultimate bliss had been within his grasp. It had been right there and now it was gone; utterly utterly gone.

He couldn’t see a way of coming back from this. He’d told the man he was attracted to like no other that he was a freak, that theirs was a forbidden love, like it was something distasteful. Ashamed was the word he’d used, wasn’t it?

Oh, if only he could have said how much he’d enjoyed that erotic kiss instead. It’s safe to say Frank was beating himself up severely.

Frank had sat there sobbing for almost an hour, not even aware he was missing his next class.

Eventually he managed to calm himself down enough to get up and slope off to his room.

Although calmer, he was far from happy. As he walked into his room he saw his sketchpad, and it called to him. Happy of the distraction he sat down and started to draw.

It was as if his mind was disengaged; he wasn’t aware what he was drawing, just that he had to. He was caught in a frenzy, scribbling away with coloured pencils as if his life depended on it.

He was only vaguely aware of night descending when he had to turn his light on. Still he continued with his mission.

When he finally stopped Frank looked at what he’d just drawn.

In the bottom left corner was a tempestuous dark sea with a whirlpool which was about to suck a life raft into its depths.

On that life raft was a naked man (who looked a little like himself), a look of horror on his face, clearly fearful of his life. He was reaching up and away from the life sucking black hole (whirlpool), and over the top of the crashing waves.

Beyond and above all this madness was a figure of Apollo, riding his golden chariot which was being pulled by Pegasus.

Apollo’s blonde hair was flowing in the prevailing wind (and he had strangely green eyes). The god was trying to reach down to the doomed man. His was the only light in the otherwise dark and gloomy picture.

It wasn’t a finished draft by any stretch of the imagination, but it was a good first outline of what could be an epic painting.

If you had to liken it to anything, it was similar to the Sistine chapel image of God reaching out to Adam, but mixed with a scene from one of the Romanticists, with its stormy seas, but also with a modern twist.

Frank was pleased with it, but also deeply saddened as the meaning behind it could not be avoided.

Exhausted, Frank slumped back in his chair. His stomach rumbled, and he felt the pangs of hunger. He wondered just how long his body had been requesting food, going unnoticed.

He reluctantly headed his feet towards the kitchen and grabbed a Pot Noodle. His brain didn’t want him to eat food, but his stomach would not be argued with, so he grabbed anything to appease it.

He carried the small offering back to his room and glumly shovelled the noodles into his mouth.

Still feeling morose he dialled Tina’s number.

“Hi there stranger,” she admonished, seeing his number flash up on her screen.

“Hi.”

Frank’s one word was enough for Tina. It held no resonance. It was a totally flat sound.

“Where are you?”

“In my room,” was the depressed answer.

“I’ll be right there.”

Fortunately it was a Friday night and she was at home.

Actually, it was really quite late and Tina had been just about to get ready for bed after an exhausting week at work, but this was her best friend and he was clearly in need of support.

She hopped in the car and drove straight round. Her heart was racing all the way, hoping her friend was OK, wondering what on earth had happened to make him so upset.

As soon as she got in through his door she hugged Frank. His eyes were red, puffy and swollen. He’d clearly been crying.

“Heyyy….hey, what’s wrong?” Tina asked as Frank clutched onto her hug as if she were the life raft in his picture.

“I fucked it up. Ah Tina, it’s too terrible. I’ve lost him.”

“OK, sit down and let me make some tea and we can talk.”

Tina instructed rather than asked. She had a feeling this was going to be a long night, and she needed caffeine, and suspected her friend was in need of comforting hot liquid refreshment.

Tea cooling on the side table the pair were sitting next to each other. Frank took a deep breath.

“He kissed me.”

“What? Who?” Tina yelped, totally shocked.

“Jake.”

“Jake kissed you? Oh my God, that’s wonderful. So you spoke to him? Wait. This clearly doesn’t have a happy ending. What happened?”

“It was wonderful…amazing. It was perfect. But then I got scared.”

“Uh oh!”

“Yeah, big uh oh. He’d met me outside my lecture, muttering something about worrying I’d been avoiding him. He dragged me off somewhere quiet and well, we kissed. But I got carried away. And then I realised we were still outside and anyone could have walked by and seen.”

“So?”

“Yeah, that was what he said. But I might have said something about being ashamed, and how my feelings for him were wrong.”

“Oh.”

“He wasn’t exactly impressed with my choice of words. He yelled and walked off. I don’t think I’ll be seeing any more of him.”

Frank’s face fell even more as he said this last bit.

“Frank, I’m going to say this once, so you better listen. Get a grip!”

Frank was stunned and sat back a bit.

“Yeah, you heard me. You make me drive all the way over here in the middle of the night for this?”

“You don’t understand. I’ve condemned him, me, us. You should have seen the look on his face, Tina. He was so hurt.”

“Of course he was hurt. Wouldn’t you be? It must have taken so much courage for him to seek you out like that. He kissed you; that was even braver. He wasn’t sure how you felt. I’m sure you’ve not exactly been demonstrative of your affection. So, you’ve done all that and what does the cute guy do? He tells you that you should be ashamed. Hurt? I would have bloody slapped you!”