Broken Course (39 page)

FOR THE first three hours after leaving Leo, I drove around aimlessly. I was in no hurry and had no real direction to follow. My phone buzzed on the seat beside me numerous times. First, it lit up with Leo’s name, then Emma’s, then Casey’s. I ended them all. Instead of talking, I drove to see the one person who I knew wouldn’t ask me any questions.

"I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing." I admit into the cold night air. "Fuck!" I yell, dropping my knees into the grass. "You’re laughing, aren’t you?" I ask the granite that expectedly remains silent. "Damn it, I miss you Regina Phalange." I trace my fingers over the indentations of Manda’s name on her headstone, tucking my knees to my chest under my jacket.

"That can’t be comfortable," Caleb says, walking up and scaring the shit out of me.

"Fuck!" I scream, toppling over when my legs get stuck.

"Chill. It’s just me." He puts his hands up in surrender.

"Shit, you scared me. Jesus. Don’t sneak up on people in a cemetery in the middle of the night."

"Perhaps you shouldn’t come to a cemetery in the middle of the night, then. It’s not safe."

"Yeah, well. I didn’t have anywhere else to go."

"So I heard. Leo called," he informs me, sitting down on the cold ground next to me.

I scoot over to add a little more space between us. "Did you draw the short straw?"

"Collin’s sick. Emma was worried about leaving him."

I immediately become worried. "Is he okay?"

"He’s fine. The doctor said it’s an ear infection, but he’s running a nice little fever."

"Poor guy," I respond before turning back to face Manda’s headstone.

"Come back to our place for the night. Emma’s way better at this talking shit than I am." He tosses me apologetic smile.

"No, I think I’m just going to a hotel or something. I can’t deal with her tonight. She’ll just lay it all out and make it rational. Maybe I’ll call that Kara chick. She seems like she’d be good guy-bashing company." I laugh without humor.

"I can’t let you go to hotel. Your sister will hang me by my balls."

"Well, apologize to your balls for me, because there is no way I’m talking with Emma tonight."

"Okay, fine. Talk to me, then." He lies down on his back and crosses his legs at the ankle.

I laugh at the idea of having a heart-to-heart with Caleb Jones, but he’s probably going to do the least amount of preaching of anyone else.

"Come on. I can’t go home and leave you here, so start talking and let’s see what bullshit we can figure out."

I sigh. "What’d Leo tell you?"

"Just that you took off and he was worried."

"He has a kid," I say bluntly, and it burns coming off my tongue.

"Okay? I’m assuming you are just finding out about this?"

"Yeah. She’s five. He’s never seen her. But her mom just passed away and Leo’s on deck." I shrug at how simplistic yet sad my explanation sounds.

"Shit," he breathes.

"Pretty much," I say, chewing the inside of my lip.

"So you guys going to take her?"

"There’s no
you guys
anymore. I basically told him to go to hell."

"Jesus, Sarah. Since when do you have something against kids?"

"Since my fiancé has one with another woman," I answer matter-of-factly.

"Ah, so you’re jealous." He points out the obvious, and I can’t say that he’s wrong.

"Maybe a little. I’m also just pissed that he never bothered to mention this to me. We were supposed to be getting married in a few weeks, Caleb. Now, he’s going down to Texas tomorrow morning to pick up his daughter. Where does that leave me?"

"You?" he questions loudly and it echoes through the night.

"Yes. Me," I confirm.

"Sarah, I’m going to be really honest here. I think you sound like a bitch who has her head stuck up her ass."

I swing my head to face him, shocked that he would be such a dick. Well, that is until I remember who I’m talking to.

"Excuse me." I jump to my feet, dusting the dirt off my jeans. "You have no right to talk to me like that. You don’t know the whole story."

"I don’t need to. You told me the only thing that matters. Leo has a kid who just lost her mother. Honestly, it infuriates me that you two aren’t on a plane tonight. If something happened to Collin, I’d hitchhike across America to get to him if I had to."

"Caleb, it’s not that easy. He never told me about her."

"Well, given the fact that he’s never seen the child, I’m going to assume something else was going on. There’s not a cop in town who doesn’t know Leo spent years in the Witness Protection Program, so I’m going to put two and two together and guess his difficulty in opening up has something to do with that."

I look at the ground and wish I had just gone to Emma. She at least would have sugarcoated the lecture.

"So, tell me this. Did Leo lie to you or did he just decide not to deal with his own shit?" He quirks an eyebrow as my chin begins to quiver.

"He was paying child support," I answer as some sort of proof, but it only supports Caleb’s theory.

"Well, good. That makes me respect him at least."

"He could have told me. How am I supposed to marry a man who just leaves out details this big?"

"As I recall, it took you months to tell him your bullshit. If he didn’t know all about it, you think you would have just dumped it all on him over coffee one day?"

"No, but I sure as shit wouldn’t have proposed to him without telling him everything," I bite out.

Caleb releases a loud sigh. "What’s your gut say? You think he’s some big asshole who purposely duped you or do you think he fucked up big time but really fucking needs you right about now?"

I drop my chin to my chest and fight back the waterworks. "What if there’s more? I feel like I’m in the dark. I hate surprises, and Leo James had been nothing but." I sniffle.

"That’s life, Sarah," he announces. "You’re going to have to learn to roll with the punches or that bitch will beat you down in no time."

"Well aren’t you poetic," I say sarcastically.

"You remember that day Collin was born. You gave me this whole speech about our lives coming full circle. Could this be the point that closes your own circle? You found a man who accepts you for exactly who you are. Now you just have to be willing to do the same."

"Jesus Christ, where the fuck did you come from? Does Emma know you get all deep like this?"

"Nope. And I’d appreciate it if you didn’t mention it." He smirks.

"I don’t know if I can do this."

"Just listen to yourself. You’re more concerned that Leo was dealing with his own issues instead of telling you all about it. I’m not saying he’s right, but I
am
saying your spat can be dealt with after he gets that little girl somewhere safe. If you are going to commit to being part of Leo’s life, she’s going to need you too."

"Oh my God." I panic when that little realization hits me. "I can’t be someone’s stepmom."

"Good, because now that her real mom is gone, she’s probably going to need more than that."

"Stop!" I shout as my heart begins to race. Surely, Manda of all people would understand if I puked on her grave.

"Okay, okay. How about you just start with supporting Leo and worry about your relationship with the kid later."

I take a few deep breaths. "Yeah, that makes more sense."

"So, should I start cleaning out the guest room for you to move in?" He tosses me his signature smirk.

ONE PHONE call, two plane tickets, and three hours later, I’m halfway to having a daughter. Although I guess in reality I’ve had a daughter for a while now. From what the Department of Child Services in Texas told me, when I arrive tomorrow, it should be an easy process. As her legal father, there isn’t a ton of paperwork to be done or a long, drawn-out custody battle to be won. Basically, I show up and they give me a pink bundle of joy. Or, in my case, knowing her mother, a sassy-mouthed five-year-old.

As soon as Sarah left, I called Emma and let her know that she was gone…again. She didn’t ask any questions and I didn’t provide any answers. I just needed to know that Sarah was safe. She can hate me all she wants, but I love her. That will never change. Deep down, I don’t believe for a single second that things are over for me and Sarah, but that doesn’t make the hole she left behind any less unbearable.

I’m terrified of how I’m going to manage to be a full-time father. I don’t know the first thing about kids. Much less how to deal with one after something as traumatic as losing her mother. I can’t imagine what she has been through for the last week, and that alone has managed to snap me out of my usual doom-and-gloom spiral. For once since my life changed, I feel like I’m actually doing the right thing. No matter how much it scares me.

After packing a small bag, I try to call Sarah one last time. She’s been gone for just over five hours and I ache for her already. I didn’t lie to her when I proposed. We’re better together. Alone, the what-ifs become overwhelming and tomorrows seem impossible, but with one embrace, she makes even the most difficult parts of life seem manageable. While I don’t want her to fix this for me, I’d give anything to just have her at my side while I navigate the winding path to right the wrong.

I head for the shower with only the visions of blue eyes and blond hair preventing me from breaking down completely. As I stand in front of the mirror, I take a hard look at the same man I saw this morning, but for some reason, I now no longer recognize him. Let’s just hope that’s a good thing.

Tomorrow’s a big day, and I’m completely exhausted. I wrap a towel around my waist and head into my room with big plans for a date with the backs of my eyelids. I don’t make it two steps into the room before I’m suddenly very awake.

Sitting in the dark on the edge of my bed is the most beautiful sight I have ever seen. Her cheeks are tear stained, but her shoulders are squared and confident.

"
Ángel
," I breathe.

"You let me down, Leo. You took the trust that I gave you and made me regret it once again."

"I know. I—" I start, but she quickly interrupts me.

"Shut up. Let me talk."

I take a step closer, desperate to feel the comfort only Sarah can give me, but I stop when she lifts a hand.

"And don’t even think about touching me."

"Okay." I grab the back of my neck to still my hands, which obviously did not understand her words.

"I’m pissed. And hurt—so fucking hurt. I hate that you didn’t trust me enough to open up to me about something as big as a child. But I get it. You’re right. I would have tried to make you reach out to her. So, for that, I’m sorry."

"Sarah, please don’t—"

"Shut. Up." She silences me again. "It’s who I am and I know it’s overbearing and probably annoying as hell. That’s me and I’m sorry to say it, Leo, but I’m probably always going to be like that."

"I don’t want you to be anyone else," I whisper, taking another step forward.

She stands up and backs away to maintain the distance between us. "After the accident, I used to cry myself to sleep, wishing someone could fix me. I actually used to dream about this hero rushing in to save me and magically making all the static in my mind silent." She laughs to herself. "But no matter how much everyone around me tried, that person never came. Finally, I was forced to fix myself, and it fucking sucked. It was grueling, and it took so much goddamn blood, sweat, and tears to get me where I am today. So when I see you struggle, it breaks me all over again. It transports me back to how hopeless I used to feel. I have this ingrained need to make things easier for you because, in turn, it heals me as well.