Broken Course (38 page)

Foggy memories of the many altercations I had with the Avilas flash into my thoughts. At the forefront of my mind is the verbal abuse they passed out like lollipops when Amy was growing up.

"She shouldn’t be with them. The Avilas are fucked-up people," I manage to grit out through clenched teeth.

"While I haven’t met them personally, judging by the urgency in which Texas sent me to find you, I assume they would agree with that assessment."

"Wait, where’s Max?"

"According to the paperwork, Max Young hasn’t seen Liv since he was removed from the birth certificate four years ago—the very same time you were added."

"Fuck," I mumble as my racing mind tries to sort out all of the details. "What am I supposed to do?" I plead for guidance. I know there is only one option, but I can’t seem to wrap my mind around it.

"You need to go to Texas as soon as possible. The Avilas will be turning Liv over to Social Services tomorrow. You should be there or she will be placed into foster care."

"How am I supposed to do this?" My hands begin to nervously twitch at the very idea of taking on something this big.

"She’s lost her mother and has been left in the care of virtual strangers. She could use a parent right now."

"I’m a stranger!" I yell at the entire fucking cruel world. "I’ve never even seen her," I choke out.

"Well, there has never been a better time than the present to change that."

"No!" I yell. "You don’t understand. She deserves better than me. She deserves parents who can offer her a stable life. I can’t give her that. I have nothing to offer her."

"Mr. James. I’m going to be very candid with you here. I don’t know much about this case except what was faxed over to me this morning. So let me just state the facts. Her mother was addicted to heroin and ended up dying because of it. She has two grandparents who acted like it was a burden on them to even keep her for a week. She is on her way to foster care, which, in some cases, works out well and in others, not so much. I have no idea what her life has been like, but I’m relatively sure you and your wife can give her better."

My wife?
Oh my God. Sarah. I haven’t even stopped to think about how this is going to affect her.

"I’m not saying you have to take her, but you need to contact Texas regardless. The numbers are in that folder. Please don’t hesitate to contact me if you have any further questions." She gives me a tight smile and heads toward the elevator.

I lean against the wall for a moment longer, unable to trust my shaking legs.

Amy’s gone. My
child
is with her borderline-abusive parents. Either I have to claim custody or she will be placed in a foster home.

What the fucking hell is going on right now
?

This can’t be my life.

Yet, somehow, it is.

I make my way to my front door, desperate to find something—or, preferably, someone—who can make sense of the questions overwhelming my mind.

I barely even make it through the door before the chaos continues.

"So, when exactly were you going to tell me?" Sarah asks the minute she rounds the hall corner.

I stumble for a minute when I realize she has obviously already heard. But I can’t deal with it right now. My thoughts are still firing in a million different directions.

"Not now, Sarah," I say over my shoulder as I stride to my office.

"No. Fuck you, Leo. It’s right fucking now or never," she demands in the bitchiest tone I have ever heard from her, but when I glance up, her eyes are filled with tears.

"What do you want me to say here?" I ask in a surprisingly calm voice even to my own ears.

"The truth, Leo. How about, for once in our entire fucking relationship, you give me the entire goddamn truth." She throws her arms out to the sides in frustration.

Maybe she’s right. What the hell can it hurt at this point? This might actually be the perfect time to unload it all. I’m just numb enough to not care how much it’s going to hurt when she leaves.

"I’ve got a kid. She’s five and her mother just died from a drug overdose."

Sarah’s mouth drops open. So maybe she didn’t know all of it.

"Tomorrow morning, I have to fly to Texas to keep her from entering foster care. I’m all she has left, yet my mind is screaming at deafening levels that she’s better off without me. Sure, I can put a roof over her head and food in her stomach, but that is fucking
it
. I have nothing else to offer a kid. Every fucking day, I struggle to keep my own head straight. Now, I’m supposed to drag an innocent child along in that journey? I can’t do it, but I’m not sure I have any other choice." My words become increasingly louder as the absolute truth flies from my mouth.

"What the fuck?" she breathes from behind her hands.

"Exactly!" I laugh humorlessly. "My thoughts exactly!" I breeze past her and head for the security room. I want nothing more than to hold Sarah as the tears flow from her eyes, but I don’t have even an ounce of myself left to give another human being right now.

I round the corner into the office only to find Erica crying on the TV screen. Her red-rimmed eyes flash to mine, and it’s painfully obviously that she heard the great revelation as well.

Fuck.

"I don’t have time for a lecture, babe." I move to the computer to sever the connection, but Johnson swats my hand away before I have the chance.

"Don’t you fucking dare. Clear the goddamn air once and for all," he growls just as Sarah appears in the doorway. Her tears have dried, but I can tell she’s even more livid than before.

I lock my fingers and rest them on my head while feeling the mounting pressure from the three sets of eyes I would easily classify as those of my family. Only tonight, they are all shooting daggers at me. If my life weren’t crumbling under my feet, I might pause to laugh.

"For fuck’s sake. Can you people give me just a fucking second to form a coherent thought?"

"No. I can’t. You’ve had months to figure out how to tell me this story. I’m done waiting," Sarah says from the doorway. "Start talking or I’m gone."

I pinch the bridge of my nose and look up to see Slate standing behind Erica, holding baby Adam. I guess it’s now or never.

"I met Amy my senior year in college. We spent five years together, and I had these grand plans of proposing. I was already part of the DEA and progressing quickly. Everything was perfect until she popped up pregnant."

I take in a deep breath, finally turning to face Sarah. I don’t owe this story to anyone but her.

"Initially, I was ecstatic about the idea of starting a family with her. There wasn’t a baby in the world that would have been more welcome. That is until I found out that Amy had been cheating on me with my best friend, Max. They had apparently been seeing each other for close to a year. It happened mostly while I was away training, but sometimes right under my nose. I showed Max the engagement ring I had bought and he spilled it all. Everything right down to the fact that the baby she was carrying was his. To say I was devastated would be the understatement of the century. I lost the woman I loved, my best friend, and what I thought was my future child all in the same day.

"Amy tried to stop by and talk to me, but the only thing that came out of it was her confirming that the baby was Max’s. I called her a whore, and Max and I ended the day brawling on my front lawn. It was a really fucking bad time for me. That was the first time in my life I ever struggled with depression. I called out of work and went dark for a few days. The pain was agonizing.

"When I was able to go back to work, my boss called me into his office and offered me a long-term undercover job. Desperate for something new, and with nothing to leave behind, I immediately accepted. A week later, I was on my way to Florida."

I turn to Erica, who silently nods in understanding, before facing Sarah once again. "We were already in the Witness Protection Program by the time I was sent word that Max had a DNA test performed and it ruled him out of being Liv’s father." I shake my head and take a step toward Sarah only to have her back away. "I called in a favor and had them add me to her birth certificate as soon as Max petitioned to have his name removed. At least, that way, she would be entitled to my benefits if something happened to me. Back then, I didn’t think I’d ever live long enough to meet her. It’s not like I could come out of hiding to see her on the weekends or anything. If I had shown her any interest, she would have become a target as well. It was safest for me to stay as far away from her as I could get."

"You’ve been out of the program for over a year now, Leo," Sarah snaps.

I can tell my explanation is doing nothing to help our current situation. "All right. I’m done here. There’s your story. Now, everyone out but Sarah," I say roughly.

"You haven’t told me shit!" Erica yells.

"No. But we can talk about it later. Right now, I need to talk to Sarah. Alone." I quickly click the button on the mouse to end the call. "Out," I tell Johnson, who slaps me on the back before exiting the room. Then I settle down in the chair and motion for her to join me. "Come here,
ángel
."

"No. Talk," she demands from across the room. "I heard what you said. I understand your situation, but I can’t for the fucking life of me figure out how you thought it would be okay to never mention that you have a kid? We’re getting married, Leo. You don’t think you should have been a little more upfront about something this big?" She pauses. "Just so you know, I wouldn’t have cared. It wouldn’t even have fazed me, but you making yet another lie of omission is damn near killing me. God damn it, Leo! I can’t spend the rest of my life wondering what else you are keeping from me."

"I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to admit it to myself!" I explode out of the chair. "Sarah, if I told you I had a daughter I’ve never met, what would you have done? No, wait. I can tell you what you what you would have done. You would have given me some grand pep talk and forced me to go find her. You wouldn’t have stopped until she was calling me Daddy and I was walking her to school. That’s what you do. You try to fix me. But this is
not
something I was ready to face yet."

"You’re damn right I would have tried to fix this."

"And it would have ruined us!" I yell at her. "I would have fought you, and it wouldn’t have been pretty. Fuck, Sarah, I should have the right to deal with my own shit on my own time without you forcing it down my throat."

"Forcing it down your throat, huh? So let me get this straight. You don’t mention that you have a kid, and somehow I’m in the wrong for some assumed transgression that never even happened? Don’t worry, Leo. I won’t try to fix anything for you anymore." She reaches down, rips off her engagement ring, and throws it at me. It bounces off my chest then clinks against the floor, but I don’t take my eyes off her. "You can do it all on your own from now on."

"Sarah, stop. That’s not what I meant." I rush after her, grabbing her arm before she can make it to the front door.

"I don’t give a fuck what you
meant
." She snatches her arm from my hand. "Your words and actions have said more than enough."

"What do you want me to say? I know I should have mentioned it to you, but saying it out loud feels a whole lot like accepting it."

"She’s a person, Leo. It’s a fact. It’s not some idea you have to accept."

"God damn it. You’re already doing it. Stop."

"That is not me trying to fix you. That’s me telling you the fucking truth. Although now I understand why you might not recognize what that sounds like," she seethes.

"That’s not fair and you know it. Damn it, Sarah. I’m sorry. It’s just… I’m not the same person I was a few years ago. I know you wouldn’t have listened to that though. You would have pushed me to make contact. But what exactly am I supposed to say to her? ‘Hi, Liv. I’m your dad. I’ve allowed women to be raped, planned to kill myself, and spend a week every few months depressed and hiding in my bedroom. I hate myself most days and suffer from paralyzing PTSD when it comes to your Auntie Erica, who coincidentally is the same woman who I allowed to be assaulted. Come to Papa’?" I say sarcastically.

"Jesus Christ, Leo." She shakes her head.

"Too much?" I ask roughly. "You wanted the truth right? Well, there it is." I suck in a breath and try to calm down. She doesn’t deserve this. I push my hands in my hair as the entire day becomes just too much for me to take. "I love you. I’m just so overwhelmed right now. Yes, I hate that you try to fix everything for me, but I’m not sure I could do it without you."

"Maybe you should have thought about that before you decided to keep all of this from me." She heads for the door and my eyes go wide.

"Stop. Just wait. Please.
Stop
!" I shout as loud as my jagged voice will allow. "I can’t do this now. I can’t keep up. I have to figure out everything with Liv right now, and I can’t process all of this at once. I’m sorry. Just…please." I panic.

"I’m sorry, too." She snatches her purse off the table and walks out the door.

I silently stare at the door for a few minutes, completely lost on how to even begin processing the last hour. Sarah’s gone, Amy’s dead, and Liv is alone.
Oh God
.

I end up on my couch, though how I got here will forever remain a mystery. It’s still light outside, so I know it hasn’t been hours, but the Earth might as well have done a full rotation for the way I feel. I’m lost. My life barely even resembles what it was when I woke up this morning, but lying here won’t change anything. I need Sarah in order to breathe, but right now, I can’t be selfish enough to worry about the ache in my lungs. There’s a little girl who’s never even seen my face and needs me most of all right now.

I stand on shaky legs and head for the office. When I push open the door, I find Johnson sitting behind the desk.

"You back so soon?" He cocks an eyebrow.

"I need to make some phone calls, but most of all, I need a flight to Texas."