Breathe Into Me (15 page)

I wanted to reach out and touch him. The pain in his voice as he completely came clean about everything hurt me to my core. I knew what it felt like to know the loss of a parent and to believe that it was partially your fault they were not here anymore. I also knew that no matter what anyone said, that guilt would stay with you. So I didn’t even try to console him with words. I gathered myself and walked over to him and gently cupped his face in my hands. I placed the lightest kiss on his mouth and when I pulled back, I looked deeply into his eyes.

“Thank you. For being honest with me.” I then took a deep shaky breath. “And because of your honesty, I guess now it’s my turn.”

It had been so long since I had talked about that night. I tried so hard to keep those memories buried deep within me. They usually only slipped out in my sleep. But I knew I needed to do this. I needed to let Kane know about what had happened to me, and what I had done. He had laid it all on the line for me, and I would do the same.

“Before you start, there is something I want to show you.” He finally stood from his bike and took my hand.

He started leading us into the tree line, but this time I didn’t pull away when the darkness engulfed us. I trusted that if Kane had me, everything would be okay. When we made it through the thickest portion of the trees, a small path became visible in the moonlight. Still holding my hand, he slowly pulled me down the path. The wildlife called all around us.

“It’s going to get a little tricky up here. The path is blocked off by a boulder and we have to scoot around it but I will have hold of you at all times so you won’t need to worry.”

I nervously gulped and nodded. It sounded sketchy, but even in the dark; Kane walked this path with a purpose. His footsteps fell strongly, as if he was confident in every step, so I trusted he would be able to navigate us even in the dark.

After walking a short distance, the path became blocked off by a huge rock like he had said it would. I didn’t see how we would get around it. This rock was huge. It was about as wide as an SUV and taller then Kane.

Kane veered to the right and began scooting his way along the edge of the rock. I stood there for a minute, nervous that even if Kane had hold of me, I would still fall to my death and bring him down with me.

“All right, Kelsey, your turn. Just give me your hand and keep as close to the rock as you can, and you will be fine.”

“Um, okay,” I said as I timidly took a step closer and placed my hand in his waiting hand.

“That’s it. Now just scoot your body along the boulder and keep holding my hand. You’re doing just fine.”

I plastered my body against the rock. I could have had five feet behind me for all I knew, but I couldn’t tell in this darkness. Not taking any chances—shirt be damned—I began sliding my body along that rock.

“That’s it. Almost there,” Kane encouraged me. I had reached the curled edge of the boulder with my fingertips, when I was yanked the last few steps around the rock.

Kane pulled me into his arms. His warm embrace had my heart fluttering and I did the only thing I could think to do at that moment. I looked up into his eyes and said ... “Hi.”

He looked down at me and chuckled. “Hey.”

If I could face palm right now without coming off as a complete spaz, I would. Before I could die of any more embarrassment, Kane turned, unwrapped his arms from around me, and took my hand before leading me on down the path.

It didn’t take long before we got to the area Kane had wanted to show me. The view was breathtaking. It overlooked the college and the town. The twinkle of the lights from the cars traveling below and the street lights made the town look almost serene. Like something out of a movie.

“Wow, Kane, this is beautiful,” I said as I slowly made my way to the edge of the rock to take a quick peak down.

Yep, just as I thought. High, we were very high. My stomach flipped from the sight, and I slowly backed away from the edge, yelping when my body connected with something.

“Is this how we are going to spend the rest of our lives? You always bumping into me?” We both smiled and Kane nodded toward a smaller rock off to the side. “You wanna sit for a little while? Take in the view?”

“Sure.”

We both had a seat, and Kane threaded his fingers through mine. I smiled down at our hands. It was like they were made for each other. They fit together like a piece of a puzzle.

“I haven’t been here in months,” Kane said as he looked out over the view. “I don’t know why, and up until this morning I hadn’t really given this place much thought. But then you were the first thing that came to my mind when I woke up this morning and it felt right to bring you here.”

“Thank you for sharing your special place with me and for your honesty back there.” I took a deep breath before I continued. “But since you were so open with me it’s only fair that I do the same.”

“Kelsey, I told you that because I wanted you to know me. The real me. Not the things that you would hear about me around school. You don’t have to tell me anything you’re not ready to. That’s not what this is about.”

I held up my hand to stop him. “I want to tell you, Kane, because honestly there may be times that I might try pulling away from you; and what I am about to tell you might explain why. All I have wanted for the past six years is to get away from my past and start over where no one knew anything about me. But I can’t keep this going with you like we are, and not be honest with you. It wouldn’t be fair for either of us. All my life I grew up watching my father beat my mother. She always tried to keep it hidden from me when I was younger. She would play it off like mommy and daddy were just playing, but as I got older I began to understand what was happening. None of my friend’s moms had bruises on them from playing with their daddies, and as I got older the beatings began to get worse. At first he would only hit or grab her in the places she could hide the marks, but over time he began to get angrier more often and started hitting her anywhere he could land a hand. She was so brave, though. I don’t want you to think she was weak because she never turned him in. My mother was the bravest person I know. She put up with him because of me. She never said it, but I know it’s true. She didn’t want to risk having to share custody with him. So as long as she was taking the beating she stayed.”

My voice began to crack but I kept going. “One night when I was twelve I wanted to go out with Jessi and her family for her brother’s birthday dinner. They had already invited me and my mom said I could go, but when my dad got home he was in a pissed-off mood and began cursing at my mom about how our spotless house was never clean enough and how she was lazy. I couldn’t take it anymore, and I finally snapped and started arguing with him. I began telling him how be better leave my mom alone or I would call the cops and tell them all the things he had been doing to her all these years. My mom was telling me to be quiet and to just go to Jessi’s; but once I got started I couldn’t stop.

All my hatred for him was spilling out of me, and I just kept telling him exactly what I thought of him and how he would end up in jail and we would finally be rid of him. He came at me with his hand drawn back to hit me, and when I cowered away from him, my mom stepped up between us and slapped him straight across the face. It was the loudest crack I had ever heard, and right away my mom knew things were going to get bad. She turned to me and told me to run. To get out of the house and get help and not look back. I didn’t want to leave her, but I didn’t know what else to do. So I ran. When I got to the door, I looked back and saw my dad grab my mom by her hair and yank her head back.” The tears were spilling from my eyes and I didn’t try to stop them. There was no point. “He grabbed her by her neck and began to squeeze. He was shouting but I couldn’t hear any of it. All I could hear was my pounding heart and my mother gasping as she tried to pull air into her lungs. I just stood there and watched as he squeezed her neck so tight and so hard that her face started to turn blue. I just stood there and watched as her body went limp in his arms and her eyes became unfocused. I just stood there and watched as my mother was murdered.”

My breathing was uncontrollable now as I tried to finish the rest of the story. “My father dropped to his knees with my mom’s body and began shaking her. Her limp arms flopped and her head fell to the side. When her empty eyes stared back at me, I knew in that second that my mom was gone. I couldn’t stop the scream that erupted from my body and that drew my dad’s attention away from my mom, to me. He laid my mom’s lifeless body on the floor, got up and began to stalk toward me. I scrambled to get the door open before he made it to me. I had just jerked it open when I felt him grab for my shirt but I rushed out the door screaming for help until my throat was raw. Some of our neighbors had been outside and raced over to me. I told them what had just happened and collapsed in the middle of the street. When I looked back toward my house, my father was standing in the doorway.

There was so much talking going on around me. People were asking me if I was okay, if my mom was okay, and calling 911 … but I couldn’t answer any of them. My father’s stare was all I could concentrate on. I didn’t look away until one of my neighbors picked me up and began carrying me toward his house. When I looked over his shoulder toward my house, my father was gone.” I looked at Kane. “So now you know my shame. I stood there and watched my father murder my mother. It was my fault he was so angry, and she sacrificed herself to save me and I just
watched
as he choked the life out of her.”

Kane’s hand was squeezing mine, not too tightly as to hurt, but more like tight enough to let me know he was there.

“Kelsey … I know you have probably heard this a million times but there was nothing you could do.”

I huffed and rolled my eyes. He was right. I had heard that a million times, and each time I heard it made me sick. It was
my
fault he was so angry and I could
have done
something
,
anything
but I didn’t. I was a coward and I would have to live with that for the rest of my life. As I should.

“Kelsey”—Kane grabbed me by my shoulders, making me look at him—“you were twelve. There was no way you could have stood up to a man like that. You were lucky to make it out of there alive. I’m sorry about what happened to your mom but there was nothing. You. Could. Do.”

I buried my face in my hands and sobbed. I hated talking about that night. I hated bringing those memories back. It had been years since I had even spoken about that night. It never got any easier to talk about it.

Kane didn’t try to talk to me about it anymore. Instead he just sat there and held me ‘til my eyes couldn’t manage any more tears.

After I had expelled the last tear from my eyes, I wiped the moisture from my cheeks and looked at Kane. The small circles he had been rubbing on my back while I had my breakdown were comforting. I couldn’t believe that I had just spilled my guts like that to him, but I felt unbelievably better about the whole situation. I couldn’t deny the feelings that were growing for him anymore, and I would not be comfortable keeping that part of my life hidden from him.

“Thank you.” His voice startled me and I gave him a questioning look. “For trusting me enough to tell me that. I couldn’t imagine growing up with a coward like your father. If you don’t mind me asking … what happened to him?”

I shrugged. “He went to prison and I have not seen or spoken to him since. He could have died in there for all I know.”

Which was true. The last time I’d seen my father was when the court officers were escorting him out of the courtroom the day he was sentenced for my mom’s murder. I remember feeling his cold stare on me. I had made it all through the trail, not wasting one single look at him, but I’d made the mistake of looking up just before he had fully exited the courtroom.

He was, of course, staring at me. His face had no expression, but his eyes said it all. He hated me, he probably always had. Not once do I ever remember hearing my father tell my mother or me that he loved us. How could he after the way he had treated my mother? But the way his eyes looked in this moment, there was no mistaking it. He hated me. Hated me for what was happening to him.