Breathe Again (11 page)

I woke for the second time that day to the sound of the bath
running. Jackson wasn’t next to me anymore, so I sat up groggily and grabbed
the robe that hung next to my bed. He hadn’t closed the door, so I stepped
inside and found him sitting on the edge of the bathtub, checking the water
coming out of the faucet with his hand.

I stopped in the doorway, and leaned against the frame. “What
are you doing?” I asked, yawning in the middle of the question. Jackson looked
up, his smile dazzling. He didn’t look nearly as tired as I felt, even though
he was the one that should have been jetlagged.

“As much as I love the smell of you all over me, I haven’t
showered since I left Paris yesterday morning.” he said, standing up from the
tub. He was wearing his briefs, and my eyes roamed over his eight-pack to the V
that dipped under his waistband. To say he was in shape didn’t do his trainer,
or his body, justice. He was all muscle, in the most perfect way possible. I
was so busy ogling his goods that it barely registered when he asked me to get
in the tub with him.

Jackson laughed as I reluctantly pulled my gaze from his
chest to his face. He looked at me expectantly, but I blanched. Once again, he
found a way for me to face my insecurities, and my relative innocence, head on.

“Don’t you think the tub is too small?” I asked, knowing that
I wasn’t going to be getting out of it. I didn’t know if I really wanted to, to
be honest, but it just felt so intimate. Just the thought of sharing a bath
made me shiver, in both the best and the worst ways possible.

Jackson took a few long steps toward me, and I could tell he
was eyeing the tie around my waist. I reached to clutch it, but he was too
quick and untied the belt in one pull. I felt the cold air on my stomach and
immediately wrapped my arms around myself to keep the robe closed. I knew I was
being silly, if not absolutely ridiculous. We’d spent the past twenty-four
hours baring ourselves to each other in so many different ways, but I still
couldn’t bring myself to let him see me like this, so exposed and naked.

As always, he seemed to know exactly what I was thinking.
Instead of pressuring me to open myself to him, he just pulled me into his
arms.

“Mellie,” he whispered into my hair. I still had my hands
between us, clutching the satin to my body, but he held me close. “I love you,
every inch and piece of you. I love you exactly the way you are, with or
without clothes. To me, you are the most beautiful woman on this earth. I want
you to trust me, to feel comfortable with me. You don’t need to hide.”

His voice spoke to my nerves and to my soul. I felt myself
loosen in his arms and dropped my hands to my sides. Jackson moved slowly,
pulling my robe off of me while kissing my forehead, my eyelids. He didn’t push
me away, just held me. I stood there naked, and I’d never felt less afraid.

Eventually he did push me away, but he kept his arms on my
shoulders. I resisted the urge to cross my arms over my breasts, instead
looking into his eyes for reassurance. I saw only love there, and he brought
his hand up to caress my cheek. He didn’t look me over immediately, but kept
his eyes on mine while he leaned in to press a kiss against my forehead. When
he finally did let himself look over my body, it didn’t feel dirty or sinful.
It felt right, like I really was the most precious thing in his world.

He let his gaze linger, not on my chest or between my legs,
but on the small scar near my belly button, and on the birthmark under my left
breast. He wasn’t objectifying me, not like I’d been taught. He was loving me.
I felt my chest heave, like I would cry again, even though I could have sworn
I’d run out of tears the night before. Jackson had me in his arms again,
immediately, and I let a few tears slip out.

He just held me, skin against skin, without expectation. It
felt like too much and not enough.

“Thank you,” I whispered into his chest, then pressed my lips
to his skin. He said nothing, but I could feel him nod against my hair.

After a few minutes, when the bathroom started to steam from
the heat of the water, Jackson loosened his hold on me and led me to the tub. I
eyed it warily; it was awfully full, but he didn’t let me linger long. He
stepped into the tub and then pulled me in with him. He wrapped his arms around
me again, pulling me close.

We sat there, my back to his chest, for a long time, until
the water went cold.

With the exception of breakfast in the
café, Jackson and I hadn’t been out in public since that day in Venice, before
he left. There had been a few photos that had gone up on the Internet from that
day, but I didn’t have Internet and only Jackson had my new cell phone number.
I still stayed back in the kitchen most of the day too, so I wasn’t too
affected by any of it.

We both knew that the time would come for us to step out in
public, together. It didn’t matter if we were just going to the grocery store;
there were paparazzi on every corner. They knew where he lived, and it didn’t
help that there were plenty of other celebrities in his building and
neighborhood. They may not be looking for him specifically, but he still drew
attention when he was out.

The last woman he’d been photographed with in public was his
ex-girlfriend, the lingerie model I preferred not to think about. They’d broken
up last year, long before he was crowned the sexiest man alive. We both knew
that things would change when we finally did make our relationship known.

It wasn’t that I was afraid. Well, I was afraid, but it was
more than that. To me, Jackson was just . . .
Jackson
. He
was the man who constantly surprised me with affection, who couldn’t cook to
save his life, but made a mean margarita. I knew things about him that he hid
from the rest of the world. I was there when he cried, telling me about his mom
and when he found out he’d gotten the biggest role of his career. I knew what
side of the bed he liked to sleep on, and how he was meticulous about brushing
his teeth for exactly two minutes. He was my everything; my friend, my real
life Prince Charming, my lover.

I just wasn’t ready to share him with everybody else.

When Jackson finally approached me about going to his latest
movie premiere, I was more than a little apprehensive.

“It’s not that I don’t want to be seen with you, Jackson, you
know that. If it didn’t have such
far-reaching
consequences, I’d be
shouting from the rooftops that we’re in love. But we both know that it’s going
to change things,” I said. It was almost two months after he’d returned from
his European tour. We were at my place, and I’d made lasagna for dinner. He
always preferred coming over, which made my life easier, since I didn’t have a
car anyway.

Jackson put his fork down, which was kind of a big deal. He
rarely took a break between servings when he ate my food, so I knew he was
annoyed with me. It wasn’t the first time we’d had the conversation, but I had
a feeling it was about to be the last.

“I love you, Mellie. You’re part of my life, the most
important part of my life. But this is part of my life too, and I want you to
be there.”

I sighed and looked down at my plate. He just had to make me
feel guilty about it.

“I know, and I want to be there too,” I said. “I’m just not
used to the spotlight. I don’t know that I’m ready to be scrutinized and
criticized, not to mention hated by all your adoring fans,” I grumbled.

“I won’t lie. That’s a pretty shitty part of all of this. I
don’t want that for you either, believe me. You don’t deserve that, and it
makes me feel like an ass for even thinking of putting you through all of this.
But what’s the alternative? Hiding you away somewhere, letting all of those
women think that they actually have a shot with me? That isn’t fair to you, and
it isn’t fair to me. I hate that I have to ask you to do this, Mellie. So
please, don’t make me feel any more guilty than I already do.”

He’d been a lot more understanding about my reservations the
first four times we’d talked about it, but I knew his patience was getting
thin. We’d been hiding away in my apartment for almost four months, only
escaping every once in a while to his place. If we wanted to get out, we went
downstairs to the café or to the wine bar next door. I knew it was risky to do
even that; it didn’t matter what we did, word would get out eventually that we
were together.

It wasn’t even that, really. It all came back to the same thing.
“I’m just afraid the world won’t like me,” I whispered into my plate. I
couldn’t even bring myself to look him in the eye.

Jackson was out of his chair before I even finished saying
it. He knelt down next to me and put his hand on my chin to turn my face toward
him. I knew I was being pouty, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at him.

“Mellie,” he said softly, taking my hand in his. “What they
think doesn’t matter, but you’re so incredible that I know they’re going to
fall in love with you just as hard as I have.”

I sniffed, though I wasn’t crying. Not really. “But . . .”
Jackson held a finger up to my lips before I could finish.

“This life isn’t easy, Mellie, I know that more than anyone,
and I wouldn’t ask if I had another choice. People are mean and they are
vindictive and catty, and they will say things just to hurt you. I can’t
promise that they won’t, but I can promise that I will never let you believe
any of it. For every mean word they say, I will say a hundred more telling you
how much I love you. I will kiss every wound, hold you every night for the rest
of your life. I need you. You are a part of me, and I need you.”

Damn. He was good with words.

We both knew the issue was closed. I wanted him, and he
wanted me. This was how our lives had to be, and I knew Jackson would protect
me. He would keep all the crazies away, would shelter me as much as he could.
But I was a big girl and it was time I put on my big-girl panties.

“That better not be a line from one of your movies,” I
grumbled. He chuckled, getting up from where he crouched down next to me, and
kissed my temple before going back to his chair.

“No, that’s all me, baby.” He flashed me his wide, bright
smile from across the table and I felt myself blush under his gaze. “Let’s do
it this way: let’s take the weekend for ourselves. I’m on set on Saturday, but
it’s a lot prettier where we’re filming than I thought it would be. I have a
villa at their inn reserved for the duration of the shoot, but I’ve obviously been
coming back down during the week to stay with you. You should come up on
Saturday and stay with me. I have Sunday off, and the little town is quiet.
It’s only about an hour away and we can spend the day together.”

I thought about it for a second, taking a bite from my
lasagna in the process. It would be nice to get away from the city for a bit,
especially since we were stuck in my loft most of the time. I felt like I was
going stir crazy.

“I like that idea,” I said finally. “Wait, you’re renting a
villa while you’re there? You’ve been filming for two weeks, and we haven’t
spent a night apart. Why rent it?” He usually got back to my place at ten every
night and left by six, but he insisted on sleeping next to me every night. I
thought it was sweet, but now the thought of him having a place near the lot
made me nervous.

Jackson shrugged, but didn’t frown. “Heather always just
books a place for me to stay, and I didn’t tell her not to. I haven’t used it
overnight, but every once in a while I’ll take a nap or something while I’m
there. It’s useless, but the studio has to pay for it. We might as well take
advantage of it.”

Heather was his assistant, and definitely not my biggest fan.
I’d only met her once, when she’d stopped by Jackson’s apartment one night to
pick up some paperwork. She’d barely even looked in my direction, probably
because Jackson was too busy necking with me to pay her any attention. I tried
not to let it get to me, and thankfully we hadn’t run into each other since. I
knew that wouldn’t last long either.

We made arrangements for the next weekend while we finished
our dinner, then spent the rest of the night down in the closed café eating all
of my leftover cupcakes. He had a serious sweet tooth, and I had made his
favorite peanut butter cupcakes earlier that day.

“You know what this reminds me of?” Jackson said, laughing.
He’d smooshed a bite of carrot cake in my face, and I was currently glaring at
him from frosting-laden eyes.

“What?” I snapped, though I wasn’t really mad at him.
Thankfully, he knew that too. I got up to go grab a napkin from the counter,
but Jackson grabbed my hand and pulled me into his lap.

“The day we met,” he said, brushing a piece of frosting from
my cheek and putting it into his mouth. “At Meredith’s house.”

I grunted and tried to pull myself out of his grip, but he
held me tight. He laid his chin on my shoulder, careful to avoid the cake and
frosting on my skin.

“Don’t be mad, Mellie Rose,” he whispered into my ear. “That
was the best day of my life. I just couldn’t believe you were so enamored with
my presence that you dropped the cake all over yourself.”

“Excuse me!” I shrieked. “That was
not
my fault
and you know it!” I hit him playfully, and smooshed a bit of vanilla frosting
onto his cheek. Instead of cleaning it off, he just nuzzled me more, getting
the frosting in my hair. Gross.

“From what I remember, one second you were carrying the cake
and the next it was on the ground. Not so sure I remember the moments in
between.”

“You got in my way, Jackson Traver. It isn’t very nice of you
to give me the blame.”

He looked at me seriously, though I could barely take him
seriously with frosting all over his face. Suddenly, he burst out laughing.
“You have no idea, do you?”

I just looked at him, annoyed. “What?”

He pressed a kiss to my cheek, taking off some of the cake in
the process. “I didn’t even know you were carrying a cake when I went into the
backyard. I was way too busy checking out your ass.”

I couldn’t hide the horror on my face. “You made me drop a
four-hundred-dollar cake because you were checking me out and weren’t paying
attention to where you were going?” Jackson couldn’t hide his guilty smile, and
leaned in.

“I got in your way because after I checked out your ass, I
saw your face. And I knew I wanted to get close to you. You had me all
confused, and that’s why I wasn’t paying attention.” My heart melted a little
bit, but he held up a finger with frosting on it up to my lips, shushing me.
“You are far too pretty for your own good, Mellie Rose.”