Breathe Again (15 page)

We were almost through our meal when
Blake was approached by what I could only assume was the manager. We all
ignored them, assuming he was discussing the bill or something. Once he left,
however, Blake got up and came over to where Jackson and I were sitting,
leaning down to whisper in Jackson’s ear.

I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but Jackson frowned as
he listened. Lucy tugged on my hand, taking my attention away from the two of
them. Sophia didn’t seem all that interested in Jackson and Blake either, so I
figured it was nothing.

“Come to the restroom with me?” Lucy asked, though she was
already pulling me up and out of my seat. I just laughed, and she threaded her
arm through mine, leading the way to the restroom. She was chatting with me
about Jackson, whom she lovingly referred to as
Jack
, and
how he helped get her that first role with him. I felt a small stab of jealousy
when she mentioned how he’d been there when she found out her brother had died,
and had even gone back to England with her to attend the funeral, but I knew
there wasn’t anything romantic between them. She obviously adored him, but the
look in her eye was pure sisterly affection.

We had to enter the main part of the restaurant on the way to
the bathroom, which was much busier than our private dining room. It was
strange; I’m sure they would usually have pulled extra tables into the back
when it got busy like this, since there was a line out the door and onto the
street. There were large windows at the front of the restaurant, and people
were crowded outside, peering in. I thought it was a bit strange, but Lucy just
kept hold of my hand, pulling me through the hallway and into the restroom.

She kept chatting with me, even when we both went into the
stalls. I was done first, and got out to wash my hands. In the mirror, I
watched as Lucy opened the stall door, swaying slightly as she came to the
sink. I eyed her carefully and tried to get out of her way so she could use the
sink, but she stumbled into me.

“Sorry,” she said, straightening up quickly. “Maybe I’ve had
a little to drink.”

I laughed and grabbed her elbow to steady her. “You think?”

Lucy just groaned and leaned over the counter. I brushed her
hair away from her face. “You alright? Do you need us to take you home?”

She shook her head. “No, I came with Levi and Ellen. They’ll
take me back to the hotel with them; they’re used to me by now.”

“So this is a regular occurrence, then?” I said, rubbing her
back. “You should be careful, Lucy.”

“I know. To be fair, I just turned twenty-one and barely
drank before. I was too busy with work and whatnot, but I figured I should have
some fun every once in a while.”

I could understand that. I wasn’t necessarily busy with work,
but I’d yet to really let go and have fun. Ever.

I nodded and helped her to her feet. We made our way back
through the crowded restaurant. This time I noticed some flashes going off
through the front windows. I turned to see who was taking our picture and was
mortified when I spotted dozens of photographers standing right outside.

We made our way quickly to the back room, which now seemed
eerily quiet compared to the front of the restaurant. Jackson stood up when we
got to the table and helped me put Lucy in her seat. As soon as I sat down next
to her, she leaned her head on my shoulder and promptly fell asleep.

Jackson sat down and turned in my direction. “Baby, there’s
something going on out there. Blake said the manager is trying to keep it
quiet, but apparently someone has tipped off the paparazzi. I guess there’s a
ton of people waiting for us outside.”

I knew what I’d just seen, but Jackson confirming it made me
want to bring my dinner right back up. “I know,” I said quietly. Everyone else
at the table seemed not to care much, and were talking amongst themselves. To
them, fighting off the paparazzi may have been part of a regular day, but it
was exactly what Jackson and I wanted to avoid this weekend. “I saw them when we
went to the restroom. It’s kind of nuts out there.”

“What do you want to do, Jackson?” Blake asked from across
the table. Though he was talking to Jackson, his eyes were on me, and I felt my
cheeks warm. I knew I was giving myself too much credit, thinking that they
were just there because of Jackson and me. The room was filled with major
celebrities, and I just happened to be caught in the middle of it.

“We could go out together,” Sophia suggested. For the first
time that night, she actually looked in my direction, though it wasn’t a
friendly look at all. It was almost as if she were sizing me up, eyeing me up
and down to see if I could handle it. I wanted to yell that I could, but I
wasn’t so sure. I wasn’t ready; we were supposed to do this next week, not
today.

“No,” Jackson said immediately, still turned toward me. “We
don’t need to go out together. I’ll leave by myself and you can ride back with
Lucy. She looks like she needs a ride, anyway.” He leaned over me to look at
Lucy sleeping on my shoulder, and brushed a piece of hair away from her face.

“She rode with us,” Ellen spoke up. “So did Sophia. We won’t
have enough room in the car with Mellie too.”

“What about you, Meredith?” Jackson asked, looking at the
other side of the table. “Can anyone ride with you?”

She looked at us apologetically. “I’m sorry, Jackson, we’re
going back to Los Angeles tonight.” Gavin had already left, to catch a flight,
so he was out too.

Jackson cursed under his breath, and I turned to look at him.
“It’s okay, Jackson, we can leave together. It was bound to happen eventually.
It might as well be tonight.” I didn’t really want to say it, but I knew I had
to.

“No,” he said, looking me directly in the eye. “This weekend
was supposed to be the calm before the storm. It was supposed to be just us,
actually going out into the world one more time. Not this. This wasn’t supposed
to happen,” he said angrily.

Sophia spoke up again, her voice full of sugar. I wanted to
vomit. “Then we should leave together, Jackson. They won’t know that Mellie is
with you, and she can ride back with Levi and Ellen. They’ll leave her alone,
at least for now. Someone needs to take care of Lucy, anyway, and God knows I’m
not doing it anymore.” Of course not.

As much as I hated the idea, I knew it was probably the best
we’d come up with. I didn’t know how to drive Jackson’s car to bring Lucy back
to the hotel, and I wasn’t about to get in a car with just Sophia. If Jackson
and I left the restaurant together, they would get us on camera, and I didn’t
want to think about what they would say about me just yet. I wasn’t ready.

I knew that Jackson was about to object, but I spoke up
first. “Okay,” I said quietly. He turned to look at me, his eyes narrowed.

“Okay what?” he asked, his voice dangerously low.

“I’ll ride with Lucy, and you and Sophia can head out
together. They’ll think it’s just another night out, no big deal. I’ll meet you
back at the hotel.” Jackson looked like he was about to say something, but I
held my hand up to his lips to stop him. “It’s fine. We’ll have tomorrow, just
us. They won’t bother us for one more day and that’s all I want,” I said
quietly.

Jackson looked at me for a few seconds, his jaw set, but
eventually he nodded. “Fine,” he said. I could see the reluctance in his eyes,
but I looked away. I needed just one more night, one more day. “Sophia and I
will leave first, and then you all can get Lucy to the car. Hopefully seeing
Sophia and me leave together will lessen their interest.”

I nodded and turned my attention back to Lucy, who was now
snoring softly on my shoulder. “Lucy,” I said gently, brushing her cheek to get
her to wake up. “I need you to wake up so we can get you back to the hotel.”
She kept snoring, and I heard Jackson chuckle next to me. I tried shaking her
leg, which did the trick, and she opened her eyes and lifted her head. She’d
left a wet spot on my shoulder, and she smiled at me apologetically. She’d
actually drooled on me.

“Sorry,” she mumbled, rubbing her eyes. I had to laugh, and I
forced her to drink a glass of water before we all got up to leave.

Jackson got up first, pulling me up with him. I walked him to
the door, where he surprised me by kissing me fiercely. It wasn’t hungry or
passionate; it was deliberate, as if he was staking his claim. I was caught so
off guard that I forgot we were being watched by six other people, and pulled
him closer to me. It was the sound of Lucy gagging at us that finally got me to
break away from him. She pushed her way between us so she could wrap her arms
around him, giving him a tight squeeze before letting him go.

“I’ll take care of her, don’t you worry, Jack,” she slurred,
looking over her shoulder to wink at me. Jackson and I both laughed and I
pulled her away from him.

“I have a feeling I’ll be the one taking care of you tonight,”
I said, and she turned to give me a drunk smile. I looped my arm through hers,
and we both watched as Sophia walked toward Jackson. They were about to walk
out together, when he looked at me over his shoulder and mouthed the words “I
love you.” Then she took his hand and they headed out the door into the camera
flashes of the paparazzi.

I didn’t get back to the villa until
almost one o’clock. When I’d tried to drop Lucy off at her room, she started
crying and blubbering about one thing or another, and wouldn’t let me go. She
was still pretty drunk, so I sat with her until she fell asleep. I’d known the
girl for what, six hours? In that time, I’d somehow become her sister, best
friend, and confidant.

I was sitting on the large bed, her head in my lap, while she
cried buckets onto my dress. She’d gone on about how hard it was for her to
find someone who understood what life in the spotlight was like, how she was
tired of trying to please everyone. There was a time when I would have felt
uncomfortable at her affection and honesty, but it felt right with her for some
reason. Just like it felt right with Jackson. Like we got each other.

Eventually her crying turned into hiccups, and then her
breathing evened. I looked down at the girl lying in my lap, her freckled face
clean of makeup from her tears. She was twenty-one, but at the moment, she just
looked like a little girl. Scared, unsure, trying to find herself in a world
where everybody else was trying to tell her who she was. I knew why Jackson loved
her and why he wanted to protect her. I felt the same way.

I moved from the bed carefully and pulled the covers up under
her chin. There were bottles of water in the fridge in the closet, so I grabbed
one of those too, along with a bottle of Tylenol, and put them on the bedside
table. The last thing I did before leaving was scribble a note on the
hotel-provided notepad with my phone number, and then turned off the lights.

Jackson was already asleep when I got back, and I didn’t
really have the energy to wake him up; not after the emotionally draining night
I’d had. Instead, I stripped out of my dress and climbed into the bed in my
underwear. None of the explicit fantasies set in that bed I’d had throughout
the day could keep my eyes open at that point, and I immediately fell asleep.

I slept like a rock that night. I was emotionally exhausted,
from meeting so many new people, from Sophia’s bitter tug-of-war with my
boyfriend, and from Lucy’s apparent breakdown. I didn’t even open my eyes until
ten o’clock the next morning, when breakfast was brought to our room.

“Good morning, Sleeping Beauty,” Jackson said. He was sitting
on the bed next to me, brushing my hair from my face.

“Morning,” I mumbled, and then yawned. Jackson laughed and
pulled the covers up so he could climb back in bed with me. I snuggled close
and probably would have fallen right back to sleep if he hadn’t started
talking.

“I missed you last night,” he said, kissing my hair and
rubbing my bare back. “I stayed up for a while, but figured that Lucy probably
conned you into hanging out with her or something. Am I right?”

“Yeah,” I said into his chest. “She’s such a sweet girl, but she
has some issues. She was pretty upset when we got back to her room; she
wouldn’t let me go, and I sat with her until she fell asleep.”

Jackson sighed. “Yeah, it’s hard for her sometimes. She
pretty much grew up in the spotlight, and never really had a chance to have a
normal adolescence. I’m glad I can be there for her, but I think she really
just needs a girlfriend sometimes. I’m glad she has you now.”

“Can I ask you something?” I said, pulling my face away from
his chest, albeit reluctantly, so I could look him in the face.

“Sure,” he said, shrugging.

“Are you ever afraid of what everyone would say if they knew
what your relationship with Lucy was like? I mean, everyone knows that you two
are close, and you do a lot of movies together. I’m just afraid of how she
would take it if the media ever suggested you two were together.”

Jackson sighed again, and moved onto his back so he could
stare at the ceiling, though his arm was still around me. “I hate thinking
about it, but yeah. I have, and it would suck. I mean, she’s so much younger
than I am, and she really just needs family. Her parents are back in England,
and she doesn’t get to talk to them much. It’s pretty much me, Blake, and
Meredith, but now that they’re starting their own family, she doesn’t even
really have them anymore. She’s been hurt by rumors in the past and I hate
watching her struggle like this. I guess it’s something we all have to go
through.”

I nodded. “Yeah, I completely agree. I think she’s having a
hard time trying to figure out who she is, especially since she didn’t have a
childhood, like you said. I can’t believe she’s only a few years younger than I
am. She still seems like a little girl, you know?”

Jackson thought for a second. “Absolutely. Honestly, I didn’t
even realize that you two were so close in age. I guess you’re just a lot more
mature in some ways.”

I raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean I’m much more mature?”
I asked.

Jackson just smirked at me, and then proceeded to show me
exactly how much more mature he thought I was, apparently.

We may not have had a chance to take advantage of the bed the
night before, but we most definitely made up for it that morning. Our food was
cold by the time we actually got up, nearly an hour after it had arrived. We
skipped the eggs and pancakes, and instead just went for the pastries and
yogurt.

“These aren’t nearly as good as yours,” Jackson said between
bites of a croissant. I laughed.

“So, what are we doing today?” I asked, taking a sip of my
cold coffee. Whatever we did, I made a mental note to hit up a Starbucks on the
way.

“Well, as much as I wanted to stay in Ojai for the day, I
have a feeling there are still probably quite a few paparazzi hanging out in
the area. I was thinking we could head up to Santa Barbara instead, spend some
time by the beach before I take you back home.”

I agreed, reluctantly, and began packing up my things so we
could get going. When we finally got in the car, there was a strange air
between us. Not awkward, just resigned. We were both still a little unsettled
by the night before, and didn’t really have the energy to drive even the half
hour north to Santa Barbara. Instead, we found a little brewery near the coast,
but on the way back down to Los Angeles. We stayed for only a few hours before
making our way back home. What was supposed to be a carefree, lazy weekend away
had turned into something . . . not so much.

The ride back home was almost silent. I was exhausted, from
multiple rounds of sex and the jealousy and neediness of costars. I got a text
from Lucy while we were walking along the beach, but I didn’t even have the
energy to answer then.

It wasn’t until I unlocked the back door to the café and we
started up the stairs to my loft that Jackson actually brought up the night
before.

“I’m sorry about last night, Mellie,” he said when I opened
the door to my apartment. I sighed and pushed the door open to the quiet of my
safe space.

“It’s okay,” I said, throwing my bag onto the kitchen
counter. “There’s not much you could have done about it. I just wish we had
this one last weekend, you know? It just sucks that they had to steal that from
us.”

“I know,” Jackson said, putting my suitcase down next to the
couch and then wrapping me in his arms. “I feel terrible that they took that
away from us too. And I completely understand if you aren’t ready to go to the
premiere with me on Tuesday. I can’t expect that from you, not after last
night.”

I shook my head and pushed Jackson away from me so I could
look him in the eye. “Don’t say that, Jackson. Of course I’ll go with you.”

Jackson pushed his hands through his hair, making it stick up
in different directions. If I wasn’t so disappointed, I would have found it
sexy, but I just felt . . . defeated. “I know that you wanted it to be just us
for this weekend, and I’m going to make it up to you. I promise.”

I shook my head angrily. “No, Jackson, that isn’t it. This
isn’t your fault at all. I knew what I was getting myself into when we started
this . . . thing. I’m just being selfish, and it’s time. I can’t keep doing
this to you. We can’t keep hiding out in my apartment.”

“Mellie,” he said seriously, looking me in the eye. “You know
that I would never make you do anything unless you were comfortable with it, so
all you have to do is say you need more time and I’ll give it to you.”

Something in his voice unsettled me. “Wait,” I said, cocking
my head in thought. “Do you not want to be seen with me in public anymore? Did
I do something last night that embarrassed you, or did you finally realize that
I’m just not good enough for you? Because if that’s the case, just tell me,
Jackson,” I said angrily.

“What?” Jackson said loudly, shaking his head. I tried to
pull myself from his grip, but he just held me tighter. I knew I was being
unreasonable, but I was too frustrated to deal with any of it.

“You heard me,” I said. “Did Sophia finally convince you that
she was better for you than I am? I saw her grab your hand last night, and I
should have known. Maybe I should be glad that I never put myself in that
position, so the world won’t know when you break my heart.”

“God, Mellie,” Jackson said, shaking me now. “Would you
listen to yourself? Of course I want you, and I have no plans to break your
heart any time soon. I feel like an ass that I couldn’t give you the weekend
away that you wanted and that I promised. I would give it all up for you if it
meant that I could give you a happy, normal life. You know that.”

“Don’t say that, Jackson,” I said, on the verge of tears. I
knew he was right; he would never lie to me like that. I was just so
frustrated. I was going stir crazy in my apartment, but I was terrified to go
outside too. Was it all worth it? Was being with Jackson really worth the pain
that his celebrity status was going to cause me, cause us?

Jackson always had an uncanny ability to understand what was
going on in my head and my heart long before I did. Who was I kidding? I never
understood what I was feeling; I was still learning how to feel my own
emotions, and how to deal with them. Jackson, on the other hand, always knew
when I needed to be kissed or held, or even if I just needed a piece of
chocolate.

I wanted to say something to hurt him, to push him away, but
he wrapped his arms around me and had my face pressed up against his chest
before I could think of anything. I felt the tears leak from my eyes, but for
once I wasn’t afraid of them. I knew I didn’t need to be afraid if I had
Jackson there to help me through it.

He held me against him, and I cried silently into his chest.
He didn’t tell me to stop this time, though I knew he could tell I was crying.
I was soaking his shirt as silent tears ran down my face. I was just so angry:
angry with everyone for wanting to invade our private lives, when this was
supposed to be our time; angry at Jackson for making me fall in love with him;
angry with myself for giving in. But it was too late for that. I’d made my bed
and I needed to lie in it. At least my bed was one sexy piece of man.

“I love you, Mellie,” Jackson whispered, stroking my hair and
rocking me gently in his arms. Hearing his words, I immediately felt better. It
scared me before, how much I responded to his touch and his voice, but I let the
fear go. There wasn’t much I could do about it anymore, and I might as well be
happy, if only for a bit.

Eventually my tears slowed, but Jackson kept rocking me in
his arms. “Why don’t you go change, Mellie? I can order something in for
dinner.”

I nodded and turned toward my bedroom. I knew my face must be
all red and splotchy, so I went into the bathroom to splash some cold water in
my face and put my hair up. I pulled on a pair of yoga pants and a sweatshirt
before making my way back out into the living room. Jackson was already on the
phone with our favorite Chinese restaurant, and had pulled off his button-down
shirt so he was just in a T-shirt. He had his back turned to me, so I took the
opportunity to shamelessly check him out. God knows he did it to me on a
regular basis, so why shouldn’t I have the same fun? Especially if I was
already torturing myself with the tragic love story I was apparently living.

There was no doubt in my mind that Jackson was seriously one
of God’s finest gifts to womankind. Everything about him was pure strength and
muscle, from his broad shoulders to his very,
very
fine
backside. I was actually a little jealous, since my own derriere was far too
flat for my own liking, though I knew Jackson would deny it until the end of time.

I couldn’t help but love this man. He was kind, generous, and
sexy as hell, all wrapped up in the perfect package. Damn him for making me
drink the Kool-Aid too.