Breaking Free (10 page)

Chapter 13
:  August 24

“
It’s nice that you
and Mia grew closer,” Marta says.  She had put cookies in the oven while I was telling her what happened.  The timer goes off, so she hops up and rushes into the kitchen.

“We hadn’t talked much before then, but some kind of barrier c
rumbled after that discussion,” I say, twisting on the couch so I can still see her.

She removes the cookie sheet from the oven.  “What about Neeky?”

“Once he was feeling better, he joined us.  It really became the four of us.  It was almost like Bling wasn’t even there because he never interacted with us unless he had to.  That’s weird, right?”

“It does seem unusual that someone would keep to himself in that setting.
”  She slides a few chocolate chip cookies onto a plate, pours two glasses of milk, and then rejoins me.  Nodding to my arm she asks, “Have you ever covered up your wrist again after giving Mia your bracelet?”

I look
down to the raised white scars, the healing scabs, and the rows of stitches running the entire width of my forearm.  “No.”

“You’ve accepted your flaws?”

“I’ve accepted that I’m too weak to handle the guilt on my own.  This is who I am.  Who I will always be.  I can’t hide that forever.”

“I don’t think you’re weak.  Why do you?”

“Only weak people cut,” I say, looking down at the scars.

“Who told you that?”

“Sheila.”

Marta makes
a tsking sound and then reaches for my hand, wrapping her fingers around mine.  “That’s not true.”

“That’s what she said when she found me.”

She shakes her head and mutters something that sounds like “Que Dios me ayude.”  Squeezing my fingers she asks, “Would you like to talk about it?”

“No.”  I grab a cookie from the plate and nibble on the edges while she disappears to the front entry. 
When she returns, she’s carrying a mesh bag filled with yarn.  She takes out two long metal sticks with sharp, pointy ends and starts winding the yarn around one of them.

“
Are you knitting?”

“
Sí.  Would you like to join me?”

“I don’t know how.”

“I can teach you.”

“Really?”

“Sure.”  She reaches into the bag and pulls out two wooden sticks.  “What color yarn would you like?”

“What am I making?”

“A scarf.”

I lean the
bag towards me and run my hand through the rainbow it contains until I land on my favorite color.  “Pink.”

I finish my cookie while s
he gathers the supplies and then sets them next to me.  After only a few minutes of instruction, I begin wrapping the yarn around the stick like a pro.

“Very good
.  Keep casting on until you reach the point I’m at,” she says holding up her stick, which is apparently called a knitting needle.

I nod.  “You know, Sheila would fire you if she
found out you let me play with sharp pointy sticks.”

“Well, let’s not tell her, then,” Marta replies with a
wink.

“You’re not afraid of what I’ll do?”

She just smiles and moves her fingers, transforming the yarn.  After a few minutes I finish, so Marta shows me how to move the second needle between the pieces of yarn I just casted on to make the first row of my scarf.  It’s more complicated than I thought and I end up having to use all my concentration so I don’t mess it up.

Once she’s sure I have the technique down, she
says, “This reminds me of when I taught my daughter to knit.”

“You
have a daughter?” I ask, focusing primarily on the project in front of me.

“
Yes, but she’s all grown up now.  She finished high school, spent some time in the Marines, went to…”

“Was she ever deployed?” I ask, interrupting her
, but still not taking my eyes away from the developing scarf in my lap.

“Yes.  In total, she spent about four years in Afghanistan.  The worst four years of my life.  I was constantly afraid
whenever the doorbell rang.  I was always worried it would be the visitor no military mother wants.”

“
That never happened?”  I finally look up and see that Marta’s scarf is double the size of mine as she whips the needles around without even thinking.

“
No.  She successfully finished her commitment and ended up receiving an honorable discharge after her time was up.  Then she went to college and got both a Bachelor’s and a Master’s degree.”

S
he has a massive grin on her face.

“You’re proud of her.”

She beams even brighter.  “Sí.”

“What’s she doing now?”

“She’s in between jobs as she deals with some medical problems.”

“I’m sorry.  Will she be okay?”

Marta nods.  “She’s a fighter.  She won’t let this get her down.”

I glance at my scarf and the yarn is all tangled. 
That’s what I get for looking away.  Fumbling with the needles, I try to back my way out, but it only gets more tangled.  “Shit, I think I messed something up.”

“Let me see
,” Marta says, reaching over to grab my tools.  She winds her fingers between the loops and in two seconds it already looks a little better.  “It’s not so bad.”

“What happened
to your daughter?”

Her fingers continue to slide between the yarn, working their magic. 
“Accident.  She’s in the hospital right now.”

My jaw drops
.  “That’s awful.  You should be with her, not here with me.”

“
She’s in good hands,” she says, passing back my needles and yarn.  “She told me to stay here.  She’ll let me know if she needs me.”

For the next
two hours, we knit our scarves, have milk and cookies, and talk about random subjects from colleges to our favorite foods to what movies we want to see.  She seems legitimately interested in me, which is weird, but I find myself enjoying her company.  For the entire time, I don’t once think about JC or Jenna.

Chapter
14:  August 25

“
Kelsie, WAKE UP
,” SHEILA says, leaning through my bedroom door.  “I’ve got an appointment and Marta is here.”

“Give me a minute.”

“No, I’ve got to go.  Get in the shower.”

I groan because I know Sheila’s not leaving until I’m ready for the day.  She has zero faith in me and won’t even let me dress in peace.

I roll out of bed, trudge to the shower, and step in while Sheila sits on the closed toilet lid, playing on her phone.  “Hurry up, Kelsie.  People are waiting on me.”

“Yes, I’m sure
you’re missed,” I say, lathering up my hair.  “Who will boss everyone else around if you’re not there?”

“That’s enough.”

“Or gossip about who is sleeping with who.”

“Kelsie,
” she says in her warning tone.

“Or flaunt the money she hasn’t worked a day in her life to earn.”

“That’s it! I go above and beyond to try and help you and this is how you treat me?  Marta!” she yells.  She must move to my bedroom because her voice fades as she yells again, “Marta!”

“
Sí, Señora Sullivan.”

“I’ve got to go.  Make sure she doesn’t hurt herself.”

“Of course.”

I peek my head around the shower curtain and find Marta standing awkwardly in the bathroom.  “
Buenos días, cariño.”

“
You said cariño yesterday, too.  What’s it mean?”

“It’s a term of affection.  Like dear.”

I slip my head back in the shower and smile.  Sheila’s never called me any term of affection and I don’t have grandparents or aunts who might.  I realize Marta is just my nanny, but it still feels nice.

“I’m not going to c
ut myself,” I say as I rinse the shampoo from my hair.

“Promise?”

“Yes.”

She
must leave because I hear the bathroom door close.  Even if I wanted to cut, I don’t have anything sharp in my bathroom anymore.  In fact, I don’t have much of anything at all.  Sheila emptied all my drawers and cabinets other than one bottle of shampoo, one of conditioner, a bar of soap, toothpaste, a toothbrush, deodorant, and a towel.  I have fewer toiletries now than I had in the woods.

Once I’m showered and dressed
, I walk to the great room.  Marta is at the stove making omelets.

“Hungry
?”

“Sure.”

I take a seat at the island and watch her add chopped ham and cheese to the frying pan.

“Did you read any more of JC’s journal last night?”

“No.  I figured I’d wait until you got back.  Didn’t want you to miss anything.”  That and I didn’t want to test the limit of my drugs with just Sheila at home.  She wouldn’t respond to a meltdown as graciously as Marta.

She looks over her shoulder at me and smiles.  “
Thank you.  I want to see what else he said about you.  It’s like a romance novel, but in real life.”

“Hmm…
” I murmur, not quite sure about the romance part of it.  Not that it matters, the ending sucks regardless.  “It would be better if it had a happy ending.”

“Endings can change.”

“Not this one.”

“Your pills are on the counter.”

I frown, but pad to the refrigerator and, after pouring myself a glass of orange juice, swallow the handful of pills that will keep me suitably numb.  After yesterday, I know I need them, but it doesn’t mean I like it.

Once
we finish breakfast, I pull out the journal and rest it on the counter between us, opening to where we left off.

Day 10:  I almost kissed her tonight.  I couldn’t help it.  After the stress of what happened, we were lying next to each other in her tent and she looked so sweet and peaceful.  I almost convinced myself this could actually work.  With the way she flirts and touches me, she must feel it, too.

I know I have to tell her what I did, but I’m nervous.  What if that changes her opinion of me?  Will she accept me knowing what kind of person I really am?  I should have told her the first day when it wouldn’t have mattered as much.  The stakes are too high now.  What will I do if she turns her back on me?

“Well …” I say, pushing myself away from the counter, wondering again what he did and feeling surprised by his words.  I never thought I was flirting with him, but I guess that’s how he saw it.

“
Not what you expected?”

I shake my head.
  “I didn’t realize he thought I was flirting with him.  I considered him a good friend so I was just …”  I’m about to say “act like I do with all my friends,” but that’s not entirely true.  I never had such a close guy friend before.  I suppose some of my comments could have been seen as flirtatious.  Jenna and I talked about stuff like that all the time, but with a guy, it could be taken a different way.  “Anyway,” I say, “I can’t believe that’s what he wrote about that day.  Something much more memorable happened.  It scared the shit out of him.”

“
What was it?”

I
take a drink of my orange juice and then start telling her what I remember.

Chapter 15
:  July 28 (Day 10)

“
You’re following me, aren’t
you?” I asked without turning around.  JC and I were both sent out on an orienteering mission at the same time.  I exited our campsite towards the north while he went south, in the completely wrong direction, but after less than ten minutes, I heard his heavy footfalls behind me.  I tried to ignore him, assuming he’d take another trail any moment, but he ended up staying with me for a long while, stopping every couple of minutes as I re-adjusted my route and then plodding on behind me when I started hiking again.

“You’re the best one at this,” he said.  “There’s no sense for me to pretend I can do it when I can just follow you.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be learning some life lesson about self-reliance?”

“I think I’ve learned it.  When someone is better at something than you, accept their offer to help.”

“I didn’t offer.”

“You didn’t tell me to get lost
either.”

“Do you even know how to use your compass?” I asked, turning around for the first time.  He had neither the map nor the compass out which meant he w
asn’t even trying.

“Of course.  I put it on the map and turn it until it lines up correctly.”

“Lines up with what?”

He pulled his compass out of his pocket and studied it.  “North?” he finally asked.

Jason fully explained this to us so I wasn’t sure why he was having trouble, although he did seem distracted during the lesson.  Perhaps whatever was on his mind was more important than learning a skill that had absolutely no use in the real world with GPS-equipped phones and Google Maps.

“Do you want me to teach you how to do it or would you prefer to follow along blindly?”

“Blindly,” he said, stuffing his compass back in his pocket.  “It’s not like I’m ever going to have to do this again.”

I turned around and aligned the north arrow on the compass with north on the map.  Then I twisted the orienting arrow towards the target on the map and saw that we had to veer slightly to the left.  “This way
,” I said, following the arrow.

We were quiet the next five minutes as I led us to the point on the map where
Jason had drawn a big red “X.”  It was in a clearing with tall grasses along a quiet creek that was barely flowing.

We knew we were in the right spot when we noticed a metal box with a padlock, much like the containers we find at each of our campsites, although a significantl
y smaller version.

“What’s the combination?” I asked after p
ushing the button on the radio.

Jason’s
voice interrupted the silent wilderness as he rattled off a list of three numbers.

I bent over, turned the dial, and then tugged down, freeing the lock.  When I opened the box, I couldn’t hide the smile
that the contents brought out.

“Jackpot,” I said,
looking behind me, but JC’s eyes weren’t on the box.

“You’re looking at my ass,” I said, turning around and trying to get a better view myself.  “It’s looking good, isn’t it?  I think all this hiking is making it more muscular.”

His gaze drifted up to my face.  “I plead the fifth.”

I rolled my eyes.  “You can’t tell me my ass doesn’t look a hundred times better than the first day.”

“Again, I’m not touching that subject with a ten foot pole.”

“Why not?”

“Nothing good will come of it.”

“If you want to be my second best friend, you have to be honest with me.  Jenna would’ve told me if my ass was looking better or not.”

“She’s a girl; she’s allowed to.  I’m a guy and anything I say will get me in trouble.”

I scoffed at him and reached into the box, pulling out the most tempting object inside. Just as I was about to tear off the wrappe
r, JC grabbed it from my hands.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Snickers is my favorite candy bar.”

“Mine, too,” I said, reaching for it.

“Have a Baby Ruth,” he said, tossing me one from the box.  “It’s almost the same thing.”

“No, it’s not.”  I threw it back into the box and placed my hands on my hips, eyeing the candy in his hand.  “I have an idea,” I said as a wic
ked grin spread across my face.

“Uh oh.  What is it?”

“Give me the candy.”

He reluctantly handed it over and I marc
hed it to a boulder about thirty feet from us.  When I returned I said, “We’ll play a game.  Whoever wins gets the Snickers.”

“What kind of game?”

“Truth or dare.  Answer honestly or do the dare and you get to take a step closer.  First one there gets it.”

He shook his head, but said, “Fine.  You first.”

“Does my ass look better today than the first day here?”

A deep laugh escaped from his lips, bringing energy to the quiet meadow and causing a nearby bird to take flight.  “You seriously want me to answer that?  Honestly?”

“Yes!”

“Fine.  Your ass is amazing today.  It was also amazing our first day here.  I, however, cannot tell if it’s more amazing today.  If I happened to have a view of it without clothes on both occasions, then maybe I could make that determination.  Unfortunately for you, you opted to show me your naked boobs, not your naked ass when we first met.”

My jaw dropped at his honesty.  I certainly didn’t expect that answer.  When I finally collected myself, I said, “I wasn’t naked.  I had a bra on.”

“Yeah and that purple lace left absolutely nothing to the imagination.”

I rolled my eyes again and said, “Okay, take your step.”

He moved forward in what was more of a leap than a step.  With the differences in our strides, I was at a serious disadvantage and wished I had bet
ter thought through the rules.

“What’s the least attractive thing about me?” he asked.

I tapped my lips with my finger and then circled around him, taking in every angle.  After a little longer than necessary, I said, “Your hair.”  I reached up and tried to pluck a leaf from the back of it, but it was firmly stuck.  “You’re collecting nature in it.”  I tried again, but had to use one hand to separate the dark curls before I could remove the debris.  “It’s like Velcro.”

Running his fingers from front to back, he said, “Yeah, I don’t normally wear it this long, but I didn’t have a chance to shave it before I came here. 
Since we aren’t allowed to have razors because one of our fellow campers might carve up her own body like a Thanksgiving turkey, I have no choice but to let it grow.  Take your step.”

I leaped like he did, but was about six inches short of him.  “What’s the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you?”

When he bit his lip, I thought this might be my chance to move ahead.  I just needed him to pass on a few questions so I could get a lead. “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

Looking between me and the Snickers, he finally sighed and said, “I was around twelve, I think.  I don’t really remember, but it was at the peak of puberty.  Anyway, I was
…” He looked to the ground and I was once again hopeful he might pass, but he continued.  “… trying to figure things out and Nana opened the bedroom door with a basket of laundry.  She dropped the basket with barely a glance in my direction and told me that I needed to do that in the bathroom.”

“Wait.  You were—“

He nodded and then started laughing.  “I was mortified, but she didn’t even bat an eye.  I guess she was used to that raising seven kids, five of them boys.”

“What did you do after she left?”

“I moved to the bathroom like she told me.”

I clap my hands over my mouth to try and hide the laughter.  “Omigod!  That has to be one of the best stories I’ve ever heard!”

He took his leap and then asked, “Tell me something about yourself that no one else knows.  Not even Jenna.”

I wrinkled my forehead in response.  There wasn’t much Jenna didn’t know about me.
  After a moment, I came up with something, but I was hesitant to tell him.  “You can’t laugh,” I said.

He smiled, but nodded.

“Why are you smiling?”

“Because this ought to be good.”

“No laughing!”  I pointed at him with a stern look.

He tried to put on a serious face
, but the grin was still there.

With a sigh, I said, “When I was younger, I had a recurrent nightmare.  I’d wake up in the nightmare and go to my bathroom where I’d see that my face was green.”  I st
opped and watched his reaction.

The smile grew infinitesimally, but, to his credit, he didn’t laugh, so I continued.  “It was awful.  I’d wake up
for real drenched in sweat, breathing hard, scared to death.  I always ran straight to my bathroom, but obviously, my face was fine.”

“Why didn’t you tell Jenna?”

“Because it’s stupid! I know it’s stupid and I know it never should have scared me so much, but it did.”

“Do you still have that dream?”

“Nightmare,” I corrected him.  “And no.  It stopped when I was thirteen, right around the time I started rebelling against Sheila.”

“In
teresting.  Take your step.”

That wa
s all he said in response.

I
took a giant leap and then asked, “What’s your biggest regret?”

Without hesitation, he
said, “Sleeping with Sherice.”

My eyebrows arch
ed as I considered his answer.  “Was she that bad?  Or did you get her pregnant? … Or catch something?” I asked, scrunching up my nose.

He shook his head as a light breeze whipped past us, bending the grass forward like waves in the oce
an.

“No.  None of those.  She was at my house after school one day when I had to watch Jalen.  I really wanted to be alone with her so I told
him to visit his friend next door.  That was the day he was killed.  If I had just played video games with him like usual, he’d still be alive.”

“That sucks,” I murmured, not sure what else to say.  I knew too well how something like that would eat away at you and there’s nothing anyone else
could say to make you feel better.

He took a smaller step than he’s been taking and asked, “Do you have a boyfriend?”

“You’re supposed to ask difficult questions.  That’s one you could ask me any day and I’d answer you.”

“
I’m beginning to think you might answer any question I ask any day.  You don’t seem too secretive now that we’re friends.”  He nudged a rock with his shoe and repeated his question, “Do you have a boyfriend?”

“No.  Guys
aren’t interested in me as girlfriend material.”

“What are they interested in?”

I gave him a small smile.  “I think you know the answer to that.”

“How many guys have you slept with?”

“More than I should have.”

I
took two leaps since I answered two questions and asked, “You?”

“Same
… well girls, that is.”

He took another step and then asked, “Biggest turn on?”

“A guy who can dance.”  After another step, I said the one thing I was sure he’d not agree to so I could catch up with him.  “I dare you to jump in the river.”

“No.”  His response was immediate.  Standing still, he asked, “Biggest turn off?”

“Selfishness.”  I took another leap and was finally at his side, but one more step and he’d be at the candy.  I needed to come up with something else that I knew he wouldn’t do.  “I dare you to take off all your clothes.”

He grabbed the bottom of his shirt and lifted it over his head, revealing a smooth chest and rippling abs.  Then he reached for the button on his
shorts, quickly undoing it and dropping them to the ground.  When his thumbs slid under the waistband of his boxers, I held up my hands in defeat.  “Okay, you win!” I said, covering up my eyes.  I was completely surprised by his willingness to undress in front of me.  “You can have the Snickers,” I said, spreading my fingers a little to peek through, but his boxers were still in place.  Way in the back of my mind, there was a tiny part of me that was disappointed, but I certainly didn’t need to start thinking about JC’s body.  That was only going to get both of us into trouble.

I trudged back to the metal box,
pulled out an Almond Joy, and then joined JC on the rock where he was now fully dressed and unwrapping his prize.   After a few minutes of silence, he rocked his shoulder into mine and held out half of the uneaten candy.  “Here.”

“No, you won it fair and square.  It’s yours.”

“Take the damn candy.”

I glanced at his face and saw that he was smiling.  I removed half of the Almond Joy
and gave it to him in exchange.