Breaking Free (7 page)

“Jenna,” I
whispered, my voice cracking, “I think you’re bleeding.”

Her
eyes were closed.  I leaned closer.  “Jenna, wake up.  You might need to go to a doctor.”

When she didn’t move,
I touched her cheek.  It was cool and sticky.  Her bangs were covering her face, so I swept them to the side.  “Jenna, you’re scaring me.  Please wake up.”  She still didn’t move.

“Jenna?”  I grabbed her shoulders and pulled her body towards me
, gripping the back of her head.  She felt like a doll.  A lifeless piece of material that flopped in my arms.  “Jenna?” I whispered, holding her tighter.  “I’m scared.”  I rocked our bodies back and forth like she was a child.  “We don’t have to go to the beach.  We can go home.  We’ll put a movie in.  Have a quiet night in.”

I stroked her hair, but my fingers got tangled in the bloody tips.  I pulled
one hand free and rubbed my fingers together, smearing the red stain over my palm.  “We need to go home.  You have to wake up, okay?”

All I wanted was things to be normal.  I
wanted to be back in my best friend’s bedroom, lying in bed, staring at the glow-in-the-dark stars on her ceiling, and gossiping about boys in our class.

“
Jenna?” I dropped my hand to her back.  As soon as I did, her head fell backwards and her eyelids opened.  Her unmoving eyes gazed straight up to the sky.  Their glassy look triggered something in me.  “No …” I whispered, pulling her head back to my chest.  “No, Jenna.  I need you.  You can’t leave me!”

T
ears started trailing down my face and mixing with her blood on the pavement.  “I need you!” I yelled, rocking our bodies.  “I need you …”  My voice was only a whimper by then.

I’m not sure how long I sat there
holding her, rocking our bodies, but eventually someone else showed up and then later two ambulances arrived.  I didn’t understand why there were two until they put me in one and Jenna in the other.

Over the next couple days, I stayed in the hospital as they monitored me for a concussion,
pumped me full of pain killers for my cracked ribs, and gave me a sling for my dislocated shoulder.  I hadn’t even realized I was injured after the crash.  I don’t know if it was the effects of the alcohol or shock.

My time in the hospital wa
s also when I found out definitively that Jenna had died.  She wasn’t wearing a seat belt and had been ejected from the car.  Apparently she died on impact.  The doctor said that like it was supposed to make me and her family feel better.  As if anything could make us feel better.

I had been selfish.  Jenna didn’t want to go to the beach, but I made her.
  For a stupid reason, too.  And that decision cost her her life.  I’ll never be able to forgive myself.

Chapter 9
:  August 24

I feel a tear
run down my cheek as the impending weight of guilt threatens to crush my chest.  My breathing is labored against the weight.  On the counter is the knife Marta used for lunch.  I swallow and wonder how fast I can reach it.  If I can get even one cut in, the weight will lessen.  I’ll be able to breathe again.

“T
ime for your afternoon meds, Kelsie.”  In one swift movement, Marta lays the pills on the countertop and swoops the knife off the table, throwing it into the locked box on the counter where all our sharp items now reside.

“I need that,” I pant.

“No, you don’t.”

I pull against the neck of my t-shirt.  “I—I can’t breathe.”

Marta circles around the island and wraps her strong arms around me, pulling my face to her chest.  “Shhh … You’re fine.  Slow breaths.  In and out.  In and out.”

I do as she says, but the urge is overwhelming.  I cry out in frustration but Marta only holds me tighter.  “Take your pills, they’ll help.”

I hate the pills.  They make me forget.  But if I can’t cut, I have no other choice.  I frantically reach for the pile next to me and pop them in my mouth, swallowing them without water.

At first nothing happens and I continue pulling at my
thin t-shirt.  It’s not tight, but it feels like a tourniquet wrapped around my heart.

“Slow breath
s.  In and out,” Marta keeps repeating.

I try to
inhale deeply, but it hurts too much.  I’m forced into quick, shallow breaths that leave me lightheaded.

“Relax.  Think about something that makes you happy.”

I draw up images of things that used to make me happy—the beach, cheerleading with Jenna, watching the stars with JC—but they don’t work.  They’re just more reminders of what I’ve lost.  I gouge my palms into my eyes and cry out again.

Marta begins humming something I don’t recognize.  It’s slow, but peaceful.  I focus on her voice.  Quiet.
  Strong.  Uplifting.

She continues humming for a long while.  I’m not entirely sure how long, but eventually, I start to feel better. 
My breathing becomes regular again.  The pain dissipates.  The urge to cut passes.  When my muscles finally relax, she loosens her grip and looks into my eyes.  “It’s not your fault.”

I just shake my head.  It is my fault.  Not only Jenna’s death, but
also what happened in the woods.

*****

About an hour later, I’m feeling numb again thanks to the meds.  I turn JC’s journal over in my hands and wonder if I’m in the right state of mind to return to it.  After what happened earlier, I’m a little hesitant, but I want to read his words.  I want to feel him again.

With a sigh, I open the cover and
flip to where I left off.  Hopefully Marta will help me again if I melt down once more.

Day 4:  Today was a nice day.  The two highlights were learning how to fly fish and actually making Mal laugh.  To be honest, “learning” might be an overstatement since I didn’t catch anything, but I do have the basics of the technique down.  With another twenty-six days out here, I should have plenty of time to perfect it.  It is true, though, Mal smiled and laughed today.  I almost fell to the ground I was so surprised that her gruff exterior was crumbling.  Something bad happened to her.  I can tell by the way her eyes glaze over and I completely lose her as she focuses on something no one else can see.  I know.  I’ve been there.

I hate Bling.  The last two days, I’ve caught him staring at me numerous times with a confident sneer like he knows something I don’t.  He screams “Crew” to me, but he can’t be. There’s no way they’d let someone from that gang be here with me. That was the whole reason I was sent to Wilderness Therapy.  They wanted to put me far away from those intent on killing me.

I draw in a sharp breath after reading the last sentence.  JC was being hunted down by a gang?  Was he involved in gang activity?  I could see that from Bling, but not JC.  He didn’t dress the part.  He seemed too educated to be involved in something like that.  Plus, he was just way too nice.  Bling scared the shit out of me like gang members are supposed to.  That wasn’t the case with JC.

And why didn’t JC tell me he had fears of Bling?  I told him all the time how
frightened I was, but JC never indicated he was.  Later in the trip, it was clear he didn’t like him, but I thought that all stemmed from the first accident.

I shiver thinking about those accidents. 
JC was the most athletic guy out there so it never made sense how he was always the victim.  Unless there was more to the story.

With my
happy pills on board, I close my eyes and remember the day of the first accident and how scared I was.  It was also the first day I ever told anyone the truth.

Chapter
10:  July 24 (Day 6)

We had almost finished
our first week and were starting to get into a routine.  Mornings were for chores and grunt work if you were unlucky enough to be assigned any, while afternoons consisted of various other activities like fly fishing, orienteering, or, my favorite, rock climbing lessons.  We hadn’t actually climbed a rock yet, but Jason prepared us so that once we got to the right location, we’d be able to give it a try.  We also had therapy sessions with Chris.  Those I dreaded because she tried to force me to talk about my past when I spent all my energy trying to forget about it.  I think she was disappointed by my lack of progress on that front, but I wasn’t about to open up.

  The morning of the sixth day, we had to pack up our gear and start hiking to a new location.  We were supposed to do it two days
earlier, but Chris’ carefully timed agenda had to be modified.  It seemed she hadn’t accounted for Neeky’s delayed withdrawal symptoms due to his contraband.  Even so, he was still in rough shape with enough sweat covering his head he looked like he just came out of the shower.  That was before we had even started hiking.  Plus, he had a headache.  We all knew that because he told us every five minutes.  At least I was no longer the one people hated.  All it took was someone to be even more annoying and disagreeable than I was the first few days.

I was fortunate we had a few extra days at the first campsite because it allowed my blisters to heal.  I also opted to leave a few of my things in the storage container for the next group so my pack
wouldn’t be so heavy.  It pained me to discard my practically full tub of cucumber-avocado body scrub, but anything that weighed more than a few ounces had to go.  I didn’t want to be the one slowing us down again.  Plus, it wasn’t like anyone out there appreciated freshly buffed skin.  Hell, they didn’t even appreciate basic hygiene like brushed hair or wearing more than one shirt per week.

We walked in a single-file line with Chris at the front, followed by Bling, me, JC,
Neeky, Mia, and Jason at the rear.  Neeky and Mia had developed a bit of a friendship like me and JC, but by halfway through the hike I could see Neeky’s behavior even wearing on Mia.

“I’m done!” he yelled.  “How do you expect me to walk for
miles when I feel like someone’s slicing my head open with an axe!”

Chris stopped and turned
around.  “You should have thought of that before you started drinking.  We delayed as long as we could.  Now you have to face the consequences of your decision.”

“
Go to hell,” he said and fell to the ground, cradling his head in his hands.  He’d regret that in the morning.

“We’ll stop here for lunch.”  Chris lowered her pack to the ground and removed energy bars and fruit
, which she handed to everyone.

When Neeky refused her offering, she said, “Eating will make you feel better.”

“Nothing will make me feel better.”

“Trust me, you’re not the first
one I’ve seen going through this out here.”  She reached into her pocket and pulled out a white bottle.  “Here’s some more aspirin, too.”

That he accepted
.  After a few minutes, he also ripped into his energy bar and chomped on pieces while Mia tried to offer soothing commentary that only seemed to agitate him even more.

“Am I going to need to carry your pack today?” JC asked, swallowing his last s
ection of orange.

“Please.  There were extenuating circumstances last time.”

“Extenuating circumstances?  Like your foul mood?”

“Ha, h
a,” I replied, rolling my eyes.

Rocking his shoulder into mine, he said, “It’s totally different to see someone else actin
g like that, huh?”

I didn’t bother giving him an answer.  After a few moments, he continued
, “I was a little disappointed you got rid of all your lotions and potions.  You know the only reason I hang around with you is because you’re the best smelling person out here.”

I chuckled at his comment.

“If you start smelling bad, I’m not sure our friendship will be necessary.”

I smiled and said,
“Don’t worry.  I could roll around in bear poop all day and I’d still smell better than you.  They do make a thing called deodorant.  You should try it sometime.”

He
laughed.  “Tried it.  Didn’t work.  Apparently it’s no match for a week without a shower.”

I set my apple down and rummaged around in my pack.

“What are you doing?” he asked, leaning over to tie his shoe.

“Looking for something.”  After a moment, I came up victorious with a small plastic bottle filled with purple liquid.  JC was still looking at his feet, so I snuck the bottle behind his neck and pushed
the pump.  A fragrant mist coated his skin.

His head snapped up, so I quickly applied three more s
quirts before he could stop me.

“What the hell?” he asked with a laugh, grabbing the bottle from my hand and turning it ar
ound so he could see the label.  “I’m going to smell like a girl!”

“It’s jasmine.  People will just think they’re
sitting next to some flowers.”

“But if I smell good, then I’ll have no use for you.  Are you trying to get rid of your best friend?”

His words erased the smile from my face.

He didn’t know what happened, but he knew his words hit me hard.
  “I’m sorry,” he quickly whispered, dropping the bottle of body spray and grabbing my hands.  “I’ll always be your friend.”

I shook
my head.  “You can’t be my best friend.  That spot’s taken.”

“Of course it is.  I didn’t mean that.
  I’m sorry.”  He slid his hands up my arms and around my back.  Pulling me close, he whispered, “Something happened to her, huh?”

A tear
rolled down my face and my body trembled with silent whimpers.

“I’m here if you want to talk about it.”

I wiped the moisture from my face, took a deep breath, and whispered what I hadn’t yet said to anyone.

“I killed her.”

He held me at arms’ length, studying my face.  Over his shoulder, I saw that Bling and Chris were much closer than I thought and probably overheard me.   Bling looked impressed, which disgusted me.  Chris offered me a reassuring smile that made me think she was proud.  Why she’d be proud of me killing someone, I had no idea.

“Okay, let’s get moving.  We still have a ways to go before it gets dark,”
Chris said, breaking the tension.

We all gather
ed our things and got back in line.  It was a quiet but tiring trek up a steep hill with lots of loose gravel.  I welcomed the exertion as it kept my mind focused on the hike and not on other things.  Neeky’s aspirin must have kicked in or else he was also working too hard to complain because he remained silent the whole time.

After less than an hour, we reached a calm river where three canoes were waiting.  We donned life jackets and then
stood next to our respective boats.

I watched from shore as
JC slid into our canoe white-knuckled, murmuring something under his breath.

“You okay?” I asked.

“Not exactly a fan of water,” he said, still gripping the edges of the canoe.

“What’s wrong with water?”

“Oh, I don’t know … maybe the possibility of drowning.”

“Don’t you know how to swim?”

“Not really.”

“Who doesn’t know how to swim?  You didn’t learn as a kid?”

“No, sorry, Mama was too busy holding down three jobs to put food on the table.  She didn’t really have time or money to take me to some fancy country club for swim lessons.”

“No need to make personal attacks.  You’ve got a life jacket on.  If you fall in, you’ll float.”

“I’d prefer not to test the life-saving capability of this thing,” he said tugging on the straps of his life jacket.

“Then don’t fall in.”

“I don’t intend to.”

“Then you have nothing to worry about.”

Chris had been watching us and since JC was so scared, she decided to have us trade positions so I would be in the rear of the canoe and he would be in the front.  Once we were resituated, I handed him a paddle and Chris pushed us into the water.

I backed our canoe
into the middle of the river towards Mia and Neeky while he sat stone-still, continuing to breathe heavily.  By the time we reached the other boat, he seemed a little more relaxed.  I was thankful the river was so calm.  If we had rocked side to side at all, I’m sure he would’ve completely freaked out.

After Chris and Bling joined us in one canoe and Jason in another, we spent t
he next thirty minutes going in circles and figure-eights as Jason taught us how to maneuver the canoes.  Once he was confident we’d be able to navigate down the river, we began the two-mile adventure.  I kept an eye on JC the whole time, but he seemed to be doing much better after the initial shock.  His shoulders were relaxed and he was easily sliding the paddle through the water.

He was uncharacteristically quiet
, though.  I didn’t know if that was out of fear of drowning or if he was appalled by what I had said earlier.  I was positive he’d never met a murderer and was probably wondering why the hell he was friends with me.  I couldn’t blame him.

After we cleared a downed tree blocking most
of the river, he said, “I’m sure there’s more to the story.  I don’t believe that you maliciously killed your best friend.”

“
Doesn’t matter if it was malicious or not.”

“Yes it does.  Did you pull a trigger?”

“No.”

“
Beat her with a crow bar?”

“God, no.”

“Hold her down and pour poison down her throat?”

I
stopped paddling, now the appalled one, and stared at his back.  “It wasn’t on purpose.”

“Then it was an accident.”

“Still, an accident I’m responsible for.”

“I’m sure there were other contributing factors.”

I ignored him, making it clear I didn’t want to talk about it.

“W
hat kind of accident?” he asked, turning his head to look at me and failing to heed my not so subtle clue.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Fair enough.”  He rotated around, but after a few moments, added, “What happened to your mom?”

I sighed and said, “
Why are you so nosy?”

“It’s called getting to know each other.  Building a friendship.”

“Then tell me something about yourself.  I’m tired of talking about me.

“I’m an open book.  What do you want to know?”

I contemplated his question with my paddle held above the water, little droplets falling down and breaking the otherwise smooth surface.  I knew virtually nothing about him and could ask any one of a million questions.  Since he was focused on my family, I decided to do the same.  “What happened to your dad?  You never talk about him.”

“He’s a dick who left M
ama as soon as he found out she was pregnant.  Last I heard, he was serving time for larceny.”

“He wasn’t Jalen’s dad?”

“No, that was another scumbag, although he did stick around a little longer and as far as I know, doesn’t have a criminal record.”

“So, it was just you, your mom, and Jalen?”

He turned around to look at me again.  “And Nana.  She watched us while Mama worked.  I also have a bunch of aunts, uncles, and cousins.”

“You have a big family.”

“Yeah.”

“What happened to Jalen?
”

There was a long pause
and then he bit his lip.  He also had wrinkles on his forehead that I’d never seen before. Without saying anything, he faced forward again.  He expected me to talk about Jenna, but he couldn’t talk about Jalen.

“Now
you know how it feels,” I said, focusing on my paddle slicing through the water as I steered us down the middle of the river.

“Drive-by shooting,” he
replied quietly.

My head snapped back up so I could watch his back.  
“Why would anyone kill a little kid?!”

“They weren’t going for him.  He was visiting
a neighbor friend who had an older brother.  The older brother was involved in gang activity that irritated a rival gang so they decided to take him out.  Or at least scare him.  Jalen was in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

He
looked over his shoulder and smiled, but the raw pain was still visible.  This was not something he’d accepted yet.  “I’m sorry,” was all I could think of saying.

“So, about that mom of yours,” he said, feigning an upbeat
attitude.