Brains for the Zombie Soul (a parody) (23 page)

“You scared the butterfly away!” she yelled at
him. He just laughed and kept walking.

The sun was setting, and the princes needed to
get home soon. Leonard thought he was taking a shortcut through the
forest when he found a young lady chasing a butterfly. He reached
up and was able to cup the flying butterfly gently between his
hands. He handed it to her and it perched on her finger.

“Thank you,” she whispered, trying not to scare
the butterfly off.

“Can you help me?” he asked. “It will be dark
soon, and I need to get home, but I’m lost.”

“Follow me,” she said. “I’ll take you to my
brother.” She led him back through the woods to the man who was
doing the puzzle.

“Can you help me?” Leonard asked the man. “It
will be dark soon, and I need to get home, but I’m lost.”

“Follow me,” he said. “I’ll take you to my
brother.”

In the meantime, Bernard had also gotten himself
lost in the woods. Eventually, he ran into the girl with the
butterfly. “How do I get out of here?” he demanded.

“Why would I tell you? You were mean to me,” she
said, and skipped away.

When Leonard got to the painter, he asked, “Can
you help me? It will be dark soon, and I need to get home, but I’m
lost.”

“Follow me,” said the painter, “and I’ll take
you to my wife.”

Bernard wandered lost through the woods, and it
was almost dark when he met the young man again. “How do I get out
of here?” he demanded.

“I’m not telling you, you kicked my puzzle
pieces away!” said the man, who ran away.

The painter led Leonard to his wife. “How is
your head?” asked Leonard.

“It’s much better, thank you,” she said. “Do you
need me to show you the way out of here?”

“Yes please,” he said. She led him home, safe
and sound.

The sun had set by time Bernard had found the
painter. “I supposed you’re looking for your way home?” the painter
asked. “Well good luck little boy!” he said and walked off.

Bernard was cold and tired when he finally ran
into the lady. All she said before she disappeared was, “You’re
almost there!” while laughing.

Finally, he got home, where Leonard had been for
quite a while now. He was sent to bed without supper, hungry and
alone.

When he went to bed, Leonard was content and
happy. For a zombie, he had made a lot of friends that day.

(back to
TOC)

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Cinderella

In a
far away kingdom, there lived a small family. Although it was just
the three of them, mom, dad, and daughter, they were well off and
happy.

Then one day the whole family got deathly ill.
Although the father survived, he couldn’t save his wife. As a last
minute effort, he was able to turn his daughter into a zombie.

The illness wrecked his business, and he was
forced to close shop. He got a job as a traveling salesman so he
could support his daughter. Since that took him out of town on many
occasions, he found another family to adopt her.

The mother of the family was also widowed, and
she had two daughters, so the father thought it would be the
perfect match. In fact, it seemed so perfect, he went ahead and
married the widow before he left on his next business trip.

But he didn’t realize how self-centered and
selfish the family was. The oldest daughter, Hedwig, was tall and
long legged. She often wore short skirts just to show off her legs.
But all of that did nothing to hide the fact that she was snotty
and rude. She never had more than one date, because the boys
couldn’t stand her.

The younger daughter, who was still older than
her new stepsister, was named Fatima. She was short and stumpy, but
she had a big bosom. She often wore so much cleavage that it looked
like something inappropriate would pop out the top of her
shirt.

But the mom was the worst. She tried to emulate
her daughters’ styles, but she had neither Hedwig’s legs, nor
Fatima’s bosom. And no matter what anyone said about her girls,
instead of teaching them propriety, she would stick up for
them.

Into this household, the petite little girl was
thrust. Her new stepmom constantly berated her. She was given all
of the chores and no time to play or relax, so she was always
covered in dirt and soot. Soon, her stepmother and stepsisters
started calling her Cinderella. With the ravages of time and the
reality of her undead condition, she eventually forgot what her
living name had been.

Since Cinderella’s time was often occupied with
cleaning the house, she had no friends, not even other zombie
children. Instead she took solace in talking with cockroaches and
mice. Her best friend was the family cat, who loved her because she
was the one that fed him and cleaned his box. Sometimes she thought
her friends even talked back to her.

One day, a courier came by as Cinderella was
cleaning the front room. When the bell was rang, her stepmother
yelled at her to answer the door. But when she saw that the courier
was from the king, she yelled at Cinderella for answering the door
in such a filthy state.

After he left, the stepmother read out the
contents of the scroll to her two daughters. There would be a grand
ball this weekend in honor of the, as yet unmarried, prince.

Immediately, their mother took Fatima and Hedwig
out shopping for dresses, with orders that Cinderella have supper
on the table by time they got home. During supper, in which
Cinderella spent cleaning the kitchen while they ate, they did
nothing but complain about their new dresses.

“My dress isn’t short enough,” said Hedwig, “and
it’s too big.”

“Mine’s too big too,” said Fatima, “and the neck
is too high.”

“That’s okay my daughters,” said their mom,
“Cinderella can alter them for you.”

So in addition to her regular chores, Cinderella
was also helping her stepsisters get ready for the ball. By the end
of the week, she hadn’t had a chance to sleep, nevertheless get
herself a dress.

She returned to her room with the intention of
falling straight to sleep, when she was surprised to discover a
beautiful dress on her bed. She picked it up, and a cockroach and
mouse skittered out from underneath it. The cat woke up from his
sleeping place on her pillow and walked up to her, a beautiful
pearl necklace around its neck. “Oh, thank you my friends,” she
said to them.

She went another night without sleep fixing and
altering the dress and jewelry to fit her. The next day when her
sisters said they were going to the ball, she said, “Oh yes, me
too.”

“Silly girl,” said her stepmother. “Do you think
they really want a zombie among all the beautiful people?” And they
left without her.

Cinderella went to her bedroom, laid on her bed,
and cried until her cat pawed her on the head. She brushed him
away, but he said, “Come on, get up already.”

Her head shot up off the pillow. “What?”

“I said get up,” said the cat. “You’ve got a
ball to go to.”

“But you’re talking.”

“That won’t postpone the ball. Now come on, get
your dress on.”

Cinderella was still bewildered. “Why have you
never talked before?”

“Because I haven’t needed to,” said the cat. “We
went through a lot of work getting this dress for you, now get up
and get it on, or you’ll be late.”

Cinderella did as she was told. When she sat in
front of her mirror, the mice scurried in and out of her blond
hair, and soon it was in a beautiful updo. The cockroaches shined
her shoes and helped her get her jewelry on.

She looked beautiful, far more so than either of
her stepsisters. “But how am I going to get there?” she asked the
cat.

“There’s a dog at the limo company that owes me
a favor. He’s waiting out front.”

She went outside and slid into the back of the
limo, which was driven to the castle by a combination of a dog at
the wheel and mice pressing the pedals. The cat lay on the seat
next to her. When they pulled up in front of the caste, before she
got out, the cat said, “We’ve got to get this limo back by
midnight, so be out here before then.”

When Cinderella walked into the ball, all eyes
turned her way. She scanned the crowd, and was pleasantly surprised
to find many fellow zombies there as well.

Throughout the night, Cinderella rarely had a
chance to sit down. She was being asked to dance left and right, by
zombies and humans alike. By the end of the night, she had danced
with a handsome young male zombie more than anybody else.

They were in the middle of a dance when
Cinderella heard the fist bell chime. “Oh no!” she cried. “I have
to go!” She broke away from his embrace and ran out the door.

“Wait!” he called out after her. “I didn’t even
get your name!”

But she was running as fast as she could down
the stairs. Halfway down, she tripped, and she broke her ankle.
Broke it clean off. She managed to hobble on her stump and her good
foot to the limousine before it took off, leaving her foot
behind.

They rushed her home, dumped her out of the car,
and sped off. She went to bed and dreamed over and over again of
her fabulous night.

The next day she woke up like usual and started
breakfast and her morning chores. She overheard her stepsisters
talking to their mom about the night before. “There was this little
slut that was coming on to all the guys.”

“Yeah, what a bitch.”

Their breakfast was interrupted by someone at
the front door. “Go get that, Cinderella,” her stepmother
snapped.

She looked through the front door, then called
into the dining room, “It’s the king’s courier again.”

“You stupid girl, get your unattractive dead
body out of here. You’ll put him off his breakfast.” She shooed
Cinderella into the kitchen.

Naturally, Cinderella stood in the doorway so
she could hear all of it.

“By royal decree,” said the courier, “Every
young woman who was present at the royal ball is required to
present her feet for inspection.”

“What?” said the sisters.

The courier sighed, as if he had explained this
a thousand times already. “The prince fell in love with a young
lady last night who was called away from the dance early, before he
could get her name. As she ran away, she lost her foot.”

“Will you pardon us a minute?” asked the
stepmother, and took her daughters into the next room. She got a
hacksaw from the shed. “If you haven’t noticed, you have both feet.
They’re looking for someone who is missing a foot. We can cut one
of your feet off and you can marry the prince!

Hedwig hobbled back out to the front room and
displayed her feet to the courier. He brought out a box with the
foot inside and compared the two. “I’m sorry, yours is much too
long and narrow to match with this foot.”

“Oh come on,” she said. “That foot is starting
to rot. Of course it looks a little different.”

Then Fatima hobbled into the room. The courier
compared her feet, and said, “I’m sorry, your foot is much too wide
to match this foot.”

“My feet are swollen from dancing all night. Of
course it looks a little different,” she said.

“Do you have any other young ladies in this
house?”

“Not any that went to the dance,” said the
stepmother.

“Wait,” said Cinderella.

“What are you doing, silly girl?”

She held out her foot to the courier. “It’s an
exact match!” he said. Then she held out her stump, and the foot
matched up to it exactly.

Cinderella had her foot sewn back on, and she
married the prince.

And they lived happily ever after.

(back to
TOC)

****

All the King’s Horses

On a beautiful summer’s day, Hal Dahl sat
on top of the wall watching the ocean in the distance.

It was his favorite spot, because no one else
would ever climb up there. He could sit by himself in the nice
weather, fairly undisturbed. Every once in a while, someone would
walk by and yell, “Hal Dahl, you should get down from there. Some
day you’ll fall to your grave.”

On this particular day, the pleasant wind
blowing from the west picked up, and it blew him over the edge. He
grasped at the wall, but he couldn’t stop himself from going
over.

As soon as he thought he would hit the ground,
his fall was broken by something soft. He looked down to find that
he had landed on a passing zombie. In his surprise, he didn’t move
right away, therefore pinning the zombie to the ground.

The zombie was mad that the man wouldn’t let him
up, so he bit him. Hal Dahl ran off, screaming in terror.

That night, Hal Dahl couldn’t sleep. He tossed
and turned with a fever, and he ached all over. When he woke up in
the morning and looked in the mirror, he realized he had passed
during the night. He was now a zombie.

He was ecstatic. Now he didn’t have to do
anything. He could go sit on his wall all day. So back to his wall
he went, sat on top, and enjoyed the sun.

A neighbor passed by and said, “Hal Dahl, you
should get down from there. Some day you’ll fall to your
grave.”

“Ha ha,” Hal Dahl called. “If only you knew!” If
he wasn’t scared of falling before, now he really had no fear. Now
if he fell, he wouldn’t even die!

Several days later, on a warm but windy day,
fearless Hal Dahl climbed atop his wall again. And again, he was
blown off the top by a gusty wind. But this time, he hit the ground
with a sickening crunch.

His neighbor saw him fall, and rushed over to
his aid. Hal’s arm was two feet away, and his leg was across the
yard. A nearby dog trotted up with his hand in his mouth. The
neighbor tried to reassemble him, and called on his friends for
help.

But as hard as they tried, they couldn’t put Hal
Dahl together again.

So they perched his torso back up on the wall
where he could enjoy the rest of his days.