Brains for the Zombie Soul (a parody) (18 page)
I finally convinced the Peace Corps to take me
in, since no church would have me. I was on the first plane to
Ethiopia.
The other people in the Peace Corps were great.
Most of them treated me just like a human, living and all. One of
the rules was that every volunteer had to have a decent meal every
day. By making it a rule, every volunteer was healthy and able to
keep working without feeling guilty when they had food and the
people they were trying to help didn’t.
I had the unique situation where I didn’t need
the food to survive. Sure, I took a little, for two reasons. One,
by eating a little, the other people in my camp thought I was
complying with the rules and eating my rations. But also, it kept
my stomach from rumbling too uncomfortably.
So I ate enough to not feel like I was starving
(not that I actually could), and I snuck the rest out to the
children at the school. I think the other volunteers knew I did
this, but no one said anything.
Due to another unique aspect of my condition, I
could work for hours on end without getting tired. Nearly
single-handedly, I erected wells, and helped till farms, and built
sustainable school houses.
When I wasn’t working hard labor, I also helped
teach the young children. In addition to the basics like English,
math, and reading, we were also teaching them ways to be able to
carry on in their village once we were gone. We taught them, even
the young ones, how engineers had come up with the technology they
used, so that hopeful they could develop technology on their
own.
Finally, the time for me to leave had come. The
desert was making my un-healable skin into human jerky, and I
didn’t have the ability to heal. The kids at the school threw me a
big party and showed off their new inventor attitudes. They dyed
the straw and plant material from the farms and braided it to use
as streamers. They gave me gifts of local jewelry and balms for my
skin.
But the best present was from a six year old
boy. One of the things that spurred my need to go back to the
states was an accident that happened the week before. I was helping
a sick farmer in his field, and pushing a bit too hard on the
shovel, and my leg popped right off. One of the crew fashioned a
crutch for me, but it was very uncomfortable and hard to get around
on.
And then this little boy walked into the
classroom carrying this contraption. I didn’t realize what it was
until he helped me put it on. Basically, he fashioned me a
prosthetic leg out of straw and mud. It fit perfectly and made it
much easier to walk around.
I was deeply touched, not only by the boy’s
intelligence, but that he used it to make something just to
accommodate my special undead needs.
****
Celebrations
Death Day
“I have
reservations for ten people. It should be under the name of
‘Luke.’”
“I have you right here. Is your entire party
present?”
“Well, everyone except the guest of honor and
her boyfriend. But we want to be seated before they get here. It’s
a surprise.”
“Okay. Give us just a minute to get your table
ready.”
“Thank you,” said the lady. She went back over
to the group of people standing by the door. “They said it would be
just a minute,” she told them.
A younger lady said, “I hope they have it ready
before she gets here.”
A handsome man in his mid-twenties asked, “Do
you want me to text Matt?”
But before anyone could answer, the hostess
called, “Luke, party of ten?”
They followed her, and she led them to tables
set up together in the back surrounded by ten chairs. “Is this
okay?” she asked.
“Oh yes, this is fine.” They sat around the
table, leaving the spot at the head of the table, plus a chair
beside it, free for the guest of honor and her boyfriend.
Not long after they got settled in, a once
handsome male zombie followed the hostess through the restaurant to
the table with his busty undead girlfriend. When they got to the
table, her friends and family yelled, “Surprise!”
She slapped her boyfriend on the arm. “You
tricked me!” He just laughed.
After being greeted by the rest of the table,
getting hugs and kisses, she took her seat. The waiter came up,
told them the specials, and then asked, “So what’s the
occasion?”
“It’s Tia’s death day!” said the lady who seemed
to be at the head of the group.
“Well, Happy Death Day,” he said to the girl at
the head of the table, and then proceeded to take everyone’s
orders.
After everyone had finished their meals, the
waiter brought a small cake with a single candle atop it to the
table. He was followed by several others in the wait staff, and
they began to sing:
“Happy Death Day to you!
You still don’t look blue!
And still tie your own shoes!
Death’s door you slipped through!
Happy Death Day to you!”
“Any many moooorrrre!” her friend added.
The party laughed and clapped, then passed
around slices of cake.
“I guess we can’t spank you for death days,
huh?” said an older gentleman.
“Dad, please!” said the girl, but everyone else
laughed.
“So how many years has it been?” asked her
friend.
“Four years now.”
“Wow, four years already?” said her boyfriend’s
friend. “You don’t look like you’ve been dead more than 24
hours!”
“You should see her in the morning!” her
boyfriend joked, and she slapped him on the arm again. “Hey, not so
hard,” he said. “If you bruise it, I’m not going to heal.”
“Oh you poor baby,” she said in a baby voice.
“Here, let me kiss it and make you better.” She kissed his arm then
kissed him on the lips.
They filed out the door, and she gave everyone a
hug. “Thank you so much,” she said. “This has been the best death
day ever!”
****
The Wake
The church
was decorated in her favorite colors, pink and navy blue. Ribbons
were wrapped around the rails to the front stairs, and also around
the columns that held up the overhang for cars to drive up to the
door.
The doors opened up into the lobby of the
church. Here, people were socializing in groups of threes, fours,
and fives. Occasionally, laughter would erupt from a group and echo
to the high ceiling. The doors to the fellowship hall were opened,
where round tables were being set up for the after service dinner.
A vase of pink roses was set in the center of each table, along
with a navy blue candle. Along the back wall were trays of
appetizers, small pink plates, and bottles of soda with blue
plastic cups. The napkins were pink with a navy blue monogram of
“L. E. F.”
Across the lobby from the fellowship hall was
the main congregation hall. The doors led into the back of the
church where worshipers could walk up either side of the aisle to
the pews. Ribbons of blue with pink flowers graced the outside of
the pews, and a pink cloth led down the center aisle to a table set
up at the front of the room next to the podium. The table was
draped with pink and blue cloths.
A middle aged woman sat at the table in the
chair closest to the podium. Her hair was freshly cut and styled
and she was wearing a brand new beautiful dress. She had a modest
string of pearls around her neck, and she was wearing the diamond
earrings her husband had given her for their anniversary. She
looked happy but very tired, and she had tinted glasses covering
her eyes. Although she was wearing makeup, it looked out of place,
the way a mortician would make up someone they had already
preserved.
The people from the lobby were now meandering
into the room, and the people who had been up front talking to the
guest of honor took their seats. Several people sat in the seats to
the left of the lady, and they gave her hugs and kisses as they
passed.
A man in a navy blue suit with a pink rose on
the lapel stepped up to the podium. “Ladies and gentleman, we are
gathered here to honor Lucy Elisa Finch.
“As you know, Mrs. Finch saw the last of her
life a week ago last Tuesday. Fortunately for us, (or unfortunately
for some others),” people in the audience laughed at this, “Lucy
was blessed with reanimation and able to stay with us. Today we are
celebrating her life and giving her our well wishes as she begins
anew.”
The people in the pews clapped as the host took
his seat. A short woman at the end of the table got up and stood
behind the podium. She reached up and pulled the mic down
closer.
“Lucy is my best friend,” she looked over to the
guest of honor, who gave her a warm smile back. “When we were kids,
I would go over to her house, and we would sneak into her mom’s
closet to play dress up. We’d wrap her scarves around our necks and
walk around in her high heels, her skirts trailing on the floor
behind us, and call each other Darling.” Everyone smiled.
“I remember one time we found her mom’s lingerie
drawer.” Lucy laughed, embarrassed. “It was summer, and later that
day her mom took us out shopping. I asked her mom if she would buy
me a black lace swimsuit too!” The guests laughed.
“Sometimes I wonder what I would do if I had a
second chance at life. Lucy, I know you will make it the best
unlife ever.” She gave her friend a hug before sitting back
down.
Finally, the man next to Lucy gave her hand a
squeeze, got up, and took his place behind the podium. “My dearest
wife,” he said. “Or perhaps I should say ex-wife; it is ‘Until
death do you part,’ after all.” The audience laughed.
He continued, “You gave me the happiest years of
my life, and the best years of yours. God blessed us with two
beautiful children. Obviously, they got their looks from your side
of the family.” The audience laughed again. “I’m so happy He chose
not to take you so soon after all, and if all goes well, next month
you’ll be seeing your first grandchild.” The people in the pews
clapped. “All I can say is Thank You for giving me all of yourself.
I love you.” Amidst gales of applause, he gave her a long, deep
kiss, and then sat back down.
Lucy finally stood up behind the podium. “Thank
you everyone for coming. This is more than I ever could have
dreamed of. I don’t know what to say. Just thank you,” she said,
and sat back down.
Her friends and family applauded and cheered,
then she led them out of the chapel and into the fellowship hall.
Before they went inside, guests lined up to sign a framed picture
of her that said at the top, “In Memory of, and Congratulations to,
Lucy Finch!”
****
Obituary
NOVEMBER 2,
2011: Gerry L. Kendrick passed away yesterday, November 1st, 2011,
at home in Indianapolis, Indiana, at the age of 42, from
complications of an infection.
Gerry was born in South Bend, Indiana on August
15th, 1969 to “Al” Aloysius Kendrick and Sibyl Matheny Kendrick. He
was the youngest of 3 children. He graduated with honors at 16
years old from Central High School in 1986 in the same class as his
sister, Joan Kendrick. His oldest sister is Sarah Sitton.
He enrolled in Indiana University’s Pre Med
program right out of high school and finished his Bachelor’s degree
in an outstanding three years. He went on intending to become a
Doctor of Medicine until he was rejected from several internships
due to age discrimination. Instead, he went on to become a nurse
and specialized in helping people who had contracted the
Rhabdoviridae Orthomyxoviridate virus. A leader in his field, he
helped develop a rehabilitation program for those who continued to
be animated after death, called The Kendrick Program.
As if he had the foresight, Gerry will be
enrolling in the program he developed, since he was reanimated
earlier today, the morning of November 2nd, 2011.
He is survived by his mother Sibyl, sister Sarah
Sitton, and nieces Fiona and Hannah Sitton, and nephew Jared
Kendrick. He was predeceased by his father, Al. He will be joining
his sister Joan Kendrick who is already differently animated.
A wake will be held on Saturday, November 5th at
6pm, at the Smith Conference Center in celebration of his life and
good wishes for his unlife.
****
Valentine’s Day
Chez Nous was always busy on Valentine’s Day,
and this year was no exception. They were booked up the whole night
with reservations made weeks in advance.
In the back corner, out of the view of most of
the patrons, sat a young zombie couple at a table for two lit by a
single taper candle. They were obviously in love, and spent most of
the evening gazing into each other’s eyes.
They got the special of the night, a steak for
two, rare, and ate it together, sharing the same plate. They shared
a bottle of champagne, and finished with an ice cream sundae.
At the end of the meal, the zombie man took out
a box, large enough to hold something significant, but small enough
to fit in his hands. It was wrapped in white and topped off with a
red bow.
He handed it to his date and said, “I wanted to
show you how important you are to me. So this is the most
significant thing I could think of that I could give you.”
“You shouldn’t have,” she said, and took the
box. She carefully untied the bow and opened the lid. Inside was a
heart, fresh and still beating.
“Thank you!” she cried, overcome with joy.
He opened his shirt to show the slash where he
had cut it open. “I love you,” he said.
She gave him a huge hug and a kiss. “I love you
too!”
****
Zombie Man and Zombie Wife
The church was decorated with white
bells, ribboned roses, and calla lilies. Each pew had a red rose
crossed with a white lily, tied together with gold ribbon, hanging
from the end of the bench.
