Brains for the Zombie Soul (a parody) (19 page)
The ushers were dressed in traditional black
tuxes with a red rose corsage affixed to their lapel. Once the last
person was seated, the organist began playing.
The preacher in his robes, and the groom with a
white lily on his lapel, stood at the head of the room. The
groomsmen escorted the bridesmaids in red dresses down the aisle.
“Oh, those dresses are perfect,” one guest whispered to her friend.
“There’s no chance you’ll see any blood.”
Next the flower girl walked down the white
runner that was laid out for the occasion, sprinkling red roses
along the way. “Oh, how sweet of them to include little Mary,”
someone else said. “It was such a shame that she died so
young.”
“Cutest little zombie I’ve ever seen,” said
another guest on the groom’s side.
And then the Bridal Chorus started, and everyone
stood up to look at the bride. The guests whispered among each
other.
“Oh my god, she’s wearing a white dress. Won’t
the wounds show through?”
“I heard they have a way to keep them from
weeping. It looks nice and clean to me.”
“She’s beautiful! She looks like she only died
yesterday!”
Then the preacher began to start the ceremony.
“Dear friends and family, dead and living, we are gathered here
today to celebrate the union of Courtney Albrecht and Brett Manning
in marriage.”
Then to the couple, he said, “No other love,
human or undead, is deeper than the love of husband and wife. Today
is the first day on the best journey of your afterlife.”
To the groom, he said, “Do you, Brett, take
Courtney to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold from
this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for
poorer, in unlife and death, to love and cherish from this day
forward, until decapitation or decay do you part?”
The groom said, “I do.”
He repeated the vows to the bride, and she said,
“I do.”
Then they retrieved the rings from the ring
bearer, and placed them on each other’s fingers. There was a tense
moment when it looked like the groom’s finger might break off, but
eventually the ring got on it safe and sound.
Finally, the priest said, “By the power vested
in me by the state of Massachusetts, I now pronounce you man and
wife.” The couple kissed until they thought their lips might fall
off.
“Family and friends, I present to you, Mr. Brett
and Mrs. Courtney Manning.” The guests cheered and blew bubbles as
the newlyweds left the church.
****
A Zombie Christmas
The children woke when it was still dark
outside. The little girl was awake first, but it took only a,
“pssst!” to her brother to wake him up too.
They ran into the living room to find the area
under the Christmas tree filled with presents. The little girl
began to reach for one, but the little boy said, “You gotta wait
for mom and dad.”
“Well, we can at least look in our
stockings.”
They pulled their stockings down from the
mantle. The huge red socks with fluffy white trim were brimming
with treats.
“Look, I got chocolate covered brains!” said the
little boy.
“Ooh!” said the little girl, “jelly filled
fingers, my favorite!” She popped one in her mouth.
“You’re not supposed to eat that yet,” said her
brother.
She said, “Let’s go wake up mom and dad
then!”
They ran into their parent’s room and jumped on
the bed.
“Mama, dada, mama, dada!” the little girl
yelled.
The little boy added, “Zombie Claus came, and
brought us presents!”
“Coffee first,” the dad mumbled.
“Come on kids,” said the mom.
The mom went into the kitchen to start coffee,
while the dad took the kids into the living room. “Okay, you can
open ONE present,” he said.
The little boy grabbed the biggest box he could
find with his name on it. Within seconds, paper covered the living
room. “Wow, a Build Your Own Skull set!”
Meanwhile, the girl was carefully unwrapping her
present. “Just tear it open!” said her brother.
“But the paper is too pretty! It’s got stars on
it. And it’s sparkly!”
Finally she got the box open and squee’d. “Oh my
god, I have a Zombie Barbie!”
The mom walked into the room with two cups of
coffee and handed one to her husband. “Okay kids, open the presents
from us now.”
The little boy ripped a piece of paper off of a
box, then handed it to his sister. “There, now just tear it
open.”
She stuck her tongue at him, and then tore the
gift open. It was a box with a handle on the side. She turned the
handle and it played, “Pop Goes the Weasel.” At the climax of the
song, the lid came open and a zombie torso popped out. “Aw cool, a
corpse in a box!” said her brother, grabbing it away from her.
“Hey, give that back! Open your own present!”
She threw a box at him. He opened it to find mutilated and deformed
little army men.
“Here honey, I got this for you,” said the mom,
handing her husband a box.
“Aw, false teeth, I needed these. Thank you
honey,” he said and gave her a peck. “This is yours,” he handed her
a box.
“Aw honey, you shouldn’t have,” she said, taking
the box. It was a nice, engraved box, not wrapped, but still a
beautiful presentation.
She opened it to reveal a beautiful white and
red hand dyed silk scarf. “Oh, it’s beautiful,” she said.
“I thought this pattern would help hide stains,”
he said.
She tied it around her neck, then gave him a big
hug. “It’s perfect. Thank you!”
****
Thanksgiving
The
table was covered with a delicate tablecloth, laid with the fine
china, and filled with turkey, potatoes, cranberries, and pies.
Before they could eat, they each took a turn acknowledging the
occasion. After she was finished, Grandma turned to Aunt Georgina,
and said, “And what are you thankful for?”
Aunt Georgina took off her glasses and
delicately dabbed at the sore on her neck with her napkin.
“First of course, I am thankful for my family.
As you know, this year has been a hard one for me, and I couldn’t
have done it without your help.
I’m thankful for my beautiful granddaughter born
this year. She gives me hope for this world and fills my days with
laughter.
I’m thankful that we’re all able to get together
here as a family. That I have a roof over my head and was able to
keep the house that my children have grown up in.
I give thanks to my job for working with me
during my illness and offering me my job back when I was
recovered.
Johnny turned 16 this year, and I’m thankful
that he hasn’t run anyone over.”
Everyone laughed. Johnny stuck out his
tongue.
“Most of all, I’m thankful for the second chance
of life that was given to me. If it weren’t for the nice man who
turned me into a zombie after the accident, I never would have
gotten the chance to see my first grandchild born. I also wouldn’t
have been able to see my oldest son graduate college. God willing,
I will still get to see my youngest graduate high school.
That accident killed me. Obviously, I wouldn’t
have wanted to be a zombie, this is a hard life. But it’s much
better than the alternative. I don’t know who that stranger is, but
if he wouldn’t have bitten me, I would be missing out on so much. I
hope that he is out there somewhere sharing a wonderful
Thanksgiving with his family as well.”
****
4th of July
The
Johnsons parked their two cars at one end of the street. Mike
Clemens pushed his newly purchased but not yet restored 1973 Chevy
Nova at the other end, next to sixteen year old Sandy Anderson’s
first car. The street was effectively blocked off so no one could
drive down it.
Everyone pitched in to rent a large roaster and
buy a hog, which was rotating around the spit. The Smith kids were
passing out cheap plastic red white and blue leis and little
American flags. Little Fanny was wearing a new dress that looked
like it had been sewn from the flag. The eccentric old zombie on
the corner, Joseph Kruger, was even wearing red and white striped
pants with a blue t-shirt with white stars.
The pig was finally done as the afternoon turned
to evening. It was carved up and put on a platter at the end of
several long tables, along with green bean casseroles, potato and
macaroni salads, fruit bowls, and lemon bars. The neighbors lined
the sidewalks with lawn chairs, and they ate and laughed
together.
When the sun started to set, sparklers were
placed in the children’s hands, and they ran up and down the road
leaving streaks of light in their path. “Is it time for fireworks
yet?” asked Fanny.
“Let’s ask George,” her mom said, and led her
over to the zombie that lived across the street.
“Mr. George, how did you get like that?” Fanny
asked.
Her mother scolded her. “It’s impolite to ask
questions like that.”
“It’s okay,” said the zombie, who had a face
that was charred and burnt all along the left side. “I don’t mind
sharing. It teaches kids about fire safety.”
Then he squatted down to meet Fanny’s eyes. “I
used to be a fireman,” he said. “A little boy had been playing with
matches and set his house on fire. We rushed over in the fire truck
to put it out, but the little boy was still inside. I went in to
rescue him and found him in his room. After I broke his window, I
covered it with a blanket and handed him out to another fireman to
get to safety. Before I could get out, the roof collapsed on me. I
died.”
“Oh no!” cried Fanny. “I don’t want you to
die!”
“It’s okay,” said George. “Another fireman got
me out of the house, and the boy’s father brought me back to life
as a zombie. That’s why I set off the fireworks every year, because
I have experience. That makes it safer for you.”
He stood up and looked at the sky. “In fact, I
think it’s time to start setting some fireworks off now. What do
you say?”
“Yay!”
“Go get a good spot so you can watch.”
Fanny skipped over to the blanket in the yard,
lay on her back, and stared expectantly up at the sky.
The whole neighborhood agreed that it was the
best fireworks display they ever had. There were fountains, and
sprinklers, and ones that made little army men fall from the sky
from paper parachutes, and ones that made lots of noise, and ones
that lit up the sky in fantastic colors.
Soon, the children were falling asleep on their
blankets. Their parents carried them into their houses and tucked
them into their beds.
As George cleaned up the street, he was already
working up something special for next year’s celebration.
****
Overcoming Limitations
Daisy Plazas
The
rain was cold on that Saturday in early March. Although it washed
away the piles of snow, the people thought that a new snowfall
would be warmer. At the very least, it wouldn’t be as wet.
The pedestrians waiting for the bus while
standing in the rain on Main Street held that sentiment the
strongest. Yes, there was a covered seating area, but it was
labeled “Living Only.” Sometimes the zombies could get away with
standing inside when no living was around, but today it was
full.
Daisy Plazas was among the drenched zombies. She
had just gotten off of a long day at work in the curtain factory
and was anxious to get to her nice warm home on the outskirts of
town. Undead weren’t allowed to live inside city limits. Even after
getting off the bus, she would still have about a mile to walk from
the last bus stop to her front door.
Finally, the bus pulled up to the stop. Of
course, the living got on first and took seats in the front of the
bus. Daisy followed them on, and paid her fare along with the other
zombies. Together, they began to make their way through the aisle
past the living to get to their seats in the back, but the bus
driver stopped them. “Uh uh,” he said. “These fine people don’t
want you wet dogs brushing up against them. Go out and get in the
back door.”
As they filed back out of the bus, Daisy’s purse
was knocked out of her hand. She let the other zombies get out
before her, then reached down to pick up her bag. Impatiently, the
bus driver demanded she get out. The front doors closed behind her.
Hurrying down the side of the bus to the back, she saw the person
in front of her step beyond the doors. As soon as she got to them,
the doors slammed shut and the bus sped off.
Her last option gone, her bus money spent, she
spent the evening walking home in the cold rain. The closer she got
to home, the colder the rain got, until it was freezing on the
ground. Carefully, she walked on, trying not to slip on the slick
sidewalks. She wasn’t careful enough and slipped and sprained her
ankle on her front steps.
Two days later, although the day was nice and
unseasonably warm, Daisy sat on the sidewalk outside the bus stop
shelter waiting for the bus. Being a zombie, she figured her ankle
would never heal. It was swollen and tender and she couldn’t put
any weight on it without excruciating pain.
The bus pulled up, and the same driver was
behind the wheel. Daisy made sure to be first in line after the
living so he couldn’t drive off without her again. This time, after
paying, she was allowed to walk through the Living Only section and
took the first seat in the Undead section.
As the bus drove on, more and more passengers
got on, and the seats filled up. In the back of the bus, several
zombies were forced to stand, because no seats were left. When a
group of living people got on the bus and had nowhere to sit, the
bus driver moved the “Undead” section sign to the seat behind Daisy
and told her to move to make way for a living man.
