Borrowing Trouble (7 page)

Chapter 10
 

              By unspoken agreement, after they’d righted their clothes and tucked themselves away, Landon went home. He was surprised when Jay wrapped his hand behind Landon’s head, carded his fingers through the hair back there, and pulled Landon’s head down to place a soft kiss on Landon’s forehead.

The kiss felt like a goodbye, an apology. And Landon feared what that apology might be for. He’d driven around the dirt roads behind their houses for hours trying to make sense of what had happened.

It’d been almost scary how much he’d needed to be with Jay, how much Jay had needed in return. He’d felt every tremor, every gasp from Jay. The energy had been intense. Their goodbye had been as charged as the sex.

Landon feared he’d fucked up, royally. Now he knew how Jay tasted, how sweet he looked when he came. Landon craved the man with a fierceness that hurt.

So when Jay called out on Monday, telling Ms. Lynne he was sick, Landon prepared to mourn the friendship. He knew Jay wouldn’t say anything to anyone. But he was horrified Jay might hate him, even though he’d said he didn’t.

Tuesday rolled around with no word from Jay, and Landon decided it was probably best to forget their encounter ever happened. It’d been an emotionally charged moment and Jay’d not gotten laid in forever. Maybe shit just got carried away.

Either way, it made no sense and Landon felt like garbage. Of course, he figured that was what it got him for hooking up with a straight man, or at least, one who was so buried in the closet he didn’t know he was gay or bi, himself.

But, it started the deep down itch to maybe get the fuck on out of Stewart, Mississippi, once and for all. He’d helped out as long as he could, and his mama and Jay were right. He was wasting his abilities and his brains, and he’d never find someone to be with if he stayed there. Hell, he didn’t even have a friend’s shoulder to cry on right then, unless he wanted to drive a couple hours. Since he had to work so early the next morning, there was no way to go see Mitch.

He grimaced as he looked at himself in his bathroom mirror Wednesday morning, realizing he should at least tell Mitch that Brittany hadn’t hooked up with Jay. He knew Mitch probably had given her some kind of shit for it on his behalf.

After he got ready for work and armed himself with a thermos of coffee, he set out in the dark, early morning. One thing he disliked about his job, he had too much time to think, to be alone. Once upon a time, that’d been ideal. It kept him from having to be around some of the local guys that worked for his dad. Unfortunately, too much time to think right now was not doing much for Landon’s psyche.

He drove down the deserted stretch of Highway 82 until he reached the turn-off for the saw mill. He parked his truck in the usual place beside the office and gathered his jacket and thermos. Before making it to his rig, though, he noticed a light on in the office. He wondered briefly if someone stayed late, but that was unlikely.

After he tossed his things in his rig, checked his log books, and made sure his trailer for the morning was loaded down and ready for the three hour haul down to Laurel, he made his way to the office to make sure it’d been locked up, at least.

He frowned when he found the door unlocked. If his dad made it in first, there’d be hell to pay. He pulled the door on open and twisted the lock on the knob, but came up short when he heard the light sounds of music coming from one of the offices. He stepped in, wondering if maybe his daddy had come into work early. He couldn’t recall the last time his daddy pulled an all nighter since Landon’s mama put her foot down a few months back. Now that they had Jay around to manage the mill, his daddy needn’t lose sleep.

He walked back and realized quickly that his daddy wasn’t in, his office was still dark. But the door to Jay’s office was slightly ajar, light on and a Sheryl Crow song playing in the background. He started to make his presence known, but thought maybe he should just leave Jay to it. He smiled sadly to himself as he peeked in the cracked-open door. Jay sat at his desk, humming along to the song, writing notes in a ledger.

Landon turned to leave when Jay’s voice rang out. “Come in if you’re coming, Landon.”

Landon couldn’t gauge Jay’s mood by his mild tone. A tiny piece of his silly heart hoped the way Jay’s words sounded had been with a hint of amusement. He pushed on the door and walked in.

“Sorry. The light was on and the door was open. Thought I’d make sure someone hadn’t been dumb enough to leave the office unlocked.” Landon shuffled from foot to foot with his hands in the pocket of his jeans like a kid expecting to be scolded. “Didn’t want daddy starting the day pissed off.”

Jay finished scribbling in his ledger, then dropped his pen and leaned back in his chair. Jay’s tired smile and guarded eyes still gave nothing away. “Never good to have Ricky starting out the day with a thorn in his paw.” Jay stretched, diverting his eyes from Landon’s. Landon took in the sunken cheeks and dark circles under Jay’s eyes. Maybe Jay had actually been sick and not just avoiding Landon.

“Yes, I was actually sick.”

Landon tried not to balk at Jay’s having read his mind. “I feel kind of bad for wondering.” Landon looked down, self derisively.

“Well, I wasn’t
just
avoiding you,” Jay smirked. At least his tone finally gave away a little humor. Landon huffed a chuckle and looked up at Jay through his lashes, not sure if he wanted to get into a heavy conversation first thing in the morning. He definitely didn’t want to corner Jay if he was tired and not feeling well.

“I get these real bad headaches sometimes. They make me nauseous. Woke up two days in a row with one. I’m pretty much good for nothing but sleeping.” Jay looked Landon in the eye. “I wouldn’t let personal shit affect my job, Landon. That, I promise you.”

“I…” He flinched, remorse settling in. He couldn’t say he didn’t think Jay would, because he’d obviously thought so over the last couple days. “Sorry.”

Jay shrugged it off. “Look, Landon…”

Landon pulled a hand out of his pocket to hold it out in front of him. “Don’t even worry about it.” He didn’t think he could hear the blow-off. He’d already started licking his wounds the day before, no need ripping them open again.

“No. I need to say this.”

Great.
Landon tried to set his face in the most impassive mask he could, then gave a single nod. Jay sighed and stood from his chair, coming around to the other side of his desk, leaning against the corner of it as he looked at Landon evenly.

“Jay, it’s really no big deal.”

“No big deal?” Jay’s booming voice echoed off the walls. Jay shrank back, lowered his tone. “No big deal, Landon? I’d say it’s… yes, it’s a big deal.”

“I get it.”

“Do you? Because I don’t.” Jay’s lost expression hurt to see. “I don’t get how someone my age could not know something like this.”

Landon’s head popped up, surprised. “Know what?”

“That I like a man.” Jay’s hands fluttered in front of him as he searched for his words and Landon would have smiled under any other circumstance at how cute the man looked in his confusion. “Like that.”

Don’t get ahead of yourself.
Landon’s heart fluttered in his chest, nerves clenching his stomach. “Like that?”

Jay’s lips thinned.

“Jay?”
Don’t push.

“No one will understand,” Jay said, barely a whisper. Landon’s chest ached for Jay. If Jay said the word, Landon would hug him right that second, but he didn’t imagine the moment was right.

“I still have a bit before I have to haul out. Why don’t you start from the beginning.” When Jay opened his mouth to protest, Landon shored himself up and took only a fraction of a step closer, going for supportive presence, not overbearing. “You won’t hurt my feelings.”
I hope.
“And I’m the one person who won’t judge you. I’m not trying to push you, but you obviously need to talk about it.”

“Here, though?” Jay looked around the office.

“Neutral territory, I figure.”

Jay snorted like he didn’t quite think as much.

“Or tell me to fuck off. I’ll understand. I just—we’re friends, right?”

Landon didn’t like that Jay had to think on that, he wanted to snarl at Jay’s dubious expression. He almost fled, he definitely didn’t need this shit. Things were uncomfortable, and just because Jay hadn’t punched Landon’s lights out yet, didn’t mean he wouldn’t if he felt cornered.

“Yes. We’re friends. This is just a lot to take in and part of me wants to kick your ass.” Landon winced. “Because I feel things for you, Landon. And I’m remembering things I hadn’t ever really thought on.”

Landon tilted his head in question and Jay rubbed his palm over his forehead. “Landon, I’m a simple guy. A redneck, if you wanna go that far.”

“I don’t think that, Jay.”

“Either way, I’m not educated or worldly. I don’t like to overanalyze things, I don’t get in my head. In fact, that was a huge problem in my marriage. I don’t talk things out, because I really don’t have anything going on upstairs to talk about.” Landon thought that was the dumbest thing Jay’d ever said, but he refused to break the spell that had Jay spilling his guts. He obviously needed it.

Jay’s eyes beseeched understanding. “One time, it was even mentioned I might be on some spectrum of something-or-other, until the marriage counselor decided I just compartmentalized.” Jay shook his head. “All that money and all those big words and it didn’t even save my marriage. Maybe I am just queer.”

“Or maybe it just didn’t work out. Things don’t sometimes.”

Jay didn’t seem convinced. “Either way. My daddy was a worrier. My mama said he’d worry himself into the ground. Then he did. Dropped dead of that heart attack, barely fifty years old.” Landon remembered the old guy. He’d been a mean old cuss with a permanently scowling face. “It made him downright mean, the way he worried and carried on. I wonder if he himself hadn’t seen a damn doctor and gotten on something, maybe his anxiety wouldn’t have been so bad.”

“That’s a worldly observation.” Landon didn’t know why he teased, Jay didn’t even respond.

“I decided long ago that I didn’t want to be like him, didn’t want to worry to death and over think everything, didn’t want people always having to worry about me. So I don’t borrow trouble.” Jay looked hard at Landon. “That’s why it’s the damnedest thing that the last two days, even sick and puking, I couldn’t quit thinking about you. The whole damn time.”

“That’s flattering,” Landon said flatly.

Jay’s scowl should not have been as cute as Landon found it, and he wanted so badly to kiss it away. And that’s exactly what he should be avoiding. He couldn’t be Jay’s punching bag, he couldn’t fall for him. Well, fall harder for him. But he could be Jay’s friend. He could be Jay’s sounding board. Right?

“Look,” Landon started. “I think maybe you’re just stressed, and maybe you’re gay or bi or whatever, but it’s not the end of the world, right?”

“Not the— Landon, I have kids and an ex-wife who would feel betrayed. This stuff I’m saying to you, this thinking about you, I never did this for her. I didn’t think there was anything to say. I thought either I was defective or she was being dramatic.” Damn. Landon spared a moment’s sympathy for Bethany. And for Jay.

Jay started pacing suddenly and Landon took a step back. “Then I remember my mama. She was like a Tammy Wynette song. She always made sure I toed the line, fussed at me if I bothered my daddy. ‘Don’t wanna worry him, son.’” Jay made a disgusted sound. “I remembered this boy I used to hang out with all the time. We’d go fishin’ and ride the roads on our bikes together. I was about fourteen or so.”

Landon shrugged to show he didn’t get the significance as Jay turned to him with a heavy gaze.

“Sammy Green. We did everything together one summer. He was even the first person who told me about jerking off.” Jay’s cheeks pinked. “My mama told me hanging out with Sammy was starting to worry my daddy, he wasn’t a good influence. I didn’t get it. But I was so used to listening when she said things like that, I just went with it. He moved away not long after I started dating Beth that year.” Landon frowned. Jay looked at him sadly. “I didn’t get why he was so sad. I didn’t get it.”

Ouch.

“But now I do. I get it. I get why my mama thought that. I get why it made Sammy sad.” Jay’s sorrowful expression hurt to see. “I get why I put that stuff away.”

“Jay, what’re you saying?”

Jay looked up, eyes wide and questioning. “Did I compartmentalize
that
? Did I put that away like the rest and now it’s just coming back up like all these words?” Jay went rigid. “Why am I even still talking?”

“Seems to me, you’ve got a lot to say,” Landon said softly.

“Never did before.” Landon couldn’t help laughing at Jay’s petulance.

“Seems you took more from that counseling than you thought.”

“Lotta good it’s doing me.”

Again, ouch. Jay flicked a guilty glance Landon’s way. “I didn’t mean it like that. Well, maybe, but damn, Landon.”

Landon almost passed out from nerves and need and hope when Jay was suddenly there in his face, hands on both sides of Landon’s neck. “I can’t get you out of my head. And I can’t stop wanting you. And I don’t want to hurt you. And all I could think about was talking to you.” Jay studied Landon’s face, eyes darting around desperately. “Sending you home the other day was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And I mean ever.”