Borrowing Trouble (4 page)

              “Will do,” she said with a smile. “Come on. Clint, help Millie with her bags.” The kids hustled out and Jay followed them to the front door with goodbyes. For the first time in recent memory, Jay realized he and Bethany didn’t say goodbye in any physical way.

              Which strangely didn’t bother him. He didn’t want to be touched by someone who knew him intimately right then. The only person who ever had known him intimately. Because that touch brought with it the firing of synapses in a corner of his brain that he didn’t even know had been dormant. He honestly didn’t know what lay back in that place.

              He grunted to himself as Bethany’s SUV backed down his driveway, out onto the road, and drove away. He shut his front door, wishing the metaphorical door in his brain would so easily close.

              Nothing to be done for that except getting busy. He had plenty of chores he could handle. The southern weather being what it was, the grass still grew, so he needed to mow the yard. He needed to work on that back deck he’d been trying to complete since they’d moved in.

              So he got to work.

Chapter 5

He changed into his work boots and a ratty old Budweiser t-shirt. He’d only just pulled the push mower out and slid on his cowhide gloves when a familiar F-250 trundled up his gravel driveway.

              His first instinct was to tense up, but the smile that stole across his face betrayed him. His subconscious was really starting to piss him off.

              And scare the shit out of him.

              “Yo!” Landon shouted in greeting as he hopped down from his lifted truck.

              “You know those lift-kits make you look shorter, right?” Jay teased, trying to get out of his head. Which turned out to be a mistake because his mouth ran away with him. “Overcompensating for something?”
Don’t joke about the man’s dick size!

Landon just laughed at that. Of course he did. His head tossed back, face beaming with amusement. “Old man’s got jokes.” Landon walked over to Jay and pulled off his ball cap. “How’s it going?”

“It’s going. Kids just left. Thought I’d do some work around the place.”

“You’re nicer than my old man. He saved all the chores for when I was home.”

Jay let out a
hmph.
“My kids are better than most, I won’t lie. But we spoiled ‘em, raising them in town like we did. If I want house work done right, I’m better off doing it myself.”

“Kids today,” Landon joked, shaking his head in mock shame. “Who’d’ve thought you’d be a soft-touch dad?”

Jay scoffed. “I’m no such thing.”

“Whatever you say.” Landon surprised Jay by pulling a pair of old cowhide gloves out of his back pocket. “Saw you were working so I grabbed these. Mostly came over to check you were still coming tomorrow night. But if you want a hand around the place, I don’t mind.”

Damn Landon Petty. Damn him to hell, because right as Jay tossed all the strange shit in his mind around, as he tried to keep himself from thinking on things that confused him so much, Landon had to just… be Landon. A good man, a good friend, who no-questions-asked was willing to pitch in just because Jay was his friend and he knew Jay was doing it alone. Even after Jay had been squirrelly around him the last couple of days. And that undefinable feeling settled in Jay’s gut again, making him smile but tremble a bit, because maybe… just maybe the feeling was slowly and inexplicably becoming more defined.

“I’m sure you got better things to do with your Friday afternoon.”

Landon cocked his head, still with that friendly smile, and shrugged. “Not really. What better way than to help out a neighbor?”

“You live ten miles away.”

“Well, you’re my parents’ neighbor.” True enough, Landon’s parents were the next house down the way about three ponds, a couple pastures, and two miles.

“In the loosest sense of the word.”

“Fine. Helping out a friend.” Landon’s words held a weight to them that surprised Jay. He also felt a warmth he wasn’t entirely comfortable with. He remembered all too well what having a crush on Bethany had felt like; the newness and the need at fifteen had been overwhelming. This feeling wasn’t quite that, but he wasn’t a hormonal kid. And this started in his chest, not his dick.

What. The. Hell?

He realized Landon’s brows had risen and he’d begun shifting uncomfortably. He couldn’t tell the man to fuck off. He didn’t want Landon to leave.

He also didn’t want Landon in his face right then, either. “Uh, yeah. Yes. Sure. Thanks.” He motioned with his hand for Landon to follow him. “I appreciate it.” He only half meant it.

He led Landon into his detached, tin-sided carport and dug out the weed-eater. “The oil-gas mix for this is in that orange can over there. If you don’t mind getting around the flower beds.”

“That’s what you call those dirt piles?”

“Look now,” Jay scolded, laughing as he handed over the weed-eater. “I had other stuff to get around to before I could do anything with the beds.” Truthfully, he didn’t know the first thing about annuals and what-not.

“Shame. Some gladiolas would look nice over there.”

Jay smirked at Landon, who scowled. “Mama made me help her in the beds every year.” The defensiveness in his tone made Jay drop that line of teasing. It also brought up stereotypes to things his fragile hold on the moment couldn’t even handle.

“Well, if you don’t mind doing that,” he continued like they’d not made that detour in conversation. “I’ll do the lawn. It usually takes me about two hours.” His yard wasn’t too large, dwarfed by some of the neighbors’, but still took a bit of time with his finicky old push mower.

“Alright. I’ll get on it.” And they did. Jay’s mind was blissfully quiet as he handled his task. The repetitive motions of walking in circles with the rattling mower calmed him. He’d always enjoyed working in the yard. Just being outside gave him a sense of peace, and nothing beat that smell of fresh cut grass.

At some point, while dodging an old fire ant bed, he happened to glance over, noticing Landon. Damn the man to hell. Landon had lost his shirt at some point. The plaid button down was draped over the railing on the front porch as Landon moved the weed-eater over the side of one of the large flower beds that flanked each side of the front porch.

Jay almost tripped right there. He wasn’t entirely sure whether he’d tripped over the mower, the ant bed, or his traitorous tongue. Landon’s smooth, powerful back flexed with his movements, sweat rolling down from his blond hair, over his neck and down toward the rise over his ass.

Jay blinked, unsure when a man’s ass had become something he couldn’t look away from, but there it was; two firm, round buns barely contained in Landon’s threadbare 501s. When Landon moved just so, you could see his broad shoulders and rounded biceps bunch, showing off their power, their strength. And Jay could see in his mind’s eye his own body wrapping around Landon’s from behind, rubbing his cock against that firm ass, running his fingers over those shoulders. A trembling breath left his mouth as his body suddenly yearned to feel another person’s skin against his own.

He’d never yearned like that before, and it almost made him weep with loneliness.

The lawn mower shutting off snapped his attention back to reality, his nerves roiled so hard he felt like he could vomit suddenly. Landon turned his way, his marble smooth, hairless torso gleamed with sweat in the afternoon sun. His muscled chest and smooth stomach were something you’d expect to see in a magazine, a level of physical perfection Jay had never once possessed. He wasn’t anything to throw rocks at, not paunchy or anything, but he was softer around the middle, like anyone in their late thirties who didn’t have time to live in a gym. His own torso was also hairy, nothing like the near baby-smoothness of Landon’s.

The only imperfection was one dark brown mole just below Landon’s left nipple. And nipples… Now Jay couldn’t stop looking at Landon’s large round nipples that were a pretty shade of pink. Perfect for sucking on.

He swallowed thickly as Landon tilted his head.

“You okay?”

No. No fucking way. I’m losing my damn mind.
Jay had to swallow again to get words out, wondering why in the hell he was hard for a man, why he wanted so badly to wrap his arms around a man.

“Yeah. I’m fine,” Jay croaked. “Think I need a break.”

It had to just be residual effects of seeing his ex and having not gotten laid in so damn long. Right? He wasn’t a teenager by any means, but men had needs, and eventually, they started making a man act a fool.

“Want me to go grab a beer?” Landon asked. Jay, grateful for a moment to get his shit together, sent Landon off to do just that.

He made his way to one of the rocking chairs on his front porch, trying to get his racing heart under control, but failed because again, he felt a strange warmth from Landon feeling at home in his house, Landon being so… domestic.

“Here you go,” Landon said, passing Jay a beer. Jay took it and chugged, happy not to have to talk for a minute.

“Damn, it’s hot for November,” Landon complained.

You have no idea
. “Sure is. At this rate, it’ll still be in the 80s at Christmas.” He could talk about the weather. The weather was safe.

Landon didn’t respond, just sat sipping his own beer. Jay should have known that wouldn’t last. “You okay? You get too hot? Need water instead?”

Lord, no. He needed another beer, not to sober up. “Naw, I’m good.”

He glanced at Landon from the side of his eye, and Landon’s expression held a hint of concern. Jay sipped his beer again, then sighed. “I think maybe seeing my ex for the first time in a long while messed with my head a little.” No kidding.

Landon let out a sympathetic hiss. “Yeah, man, I can see that. Not that I’ve ever been divorced. Hell, never been with someone quite so long as y’all, either.”

“Almost twenty years, altogether.”

“Damn, man. I split up with someone after a year and that… that was hard, even though it was what we both wanted in the end. I can’t imagine all that time, with legalities and kids involved to boot.”

Maybe that
was
it. Maybe he was still just so flustered from everything. He sure as hell wasn’t queer. Couldn’t be.

“It takes it out of you.” They sat silently, Jay trying desperately to keep his tired brain from firing back up.

Landon put a hand on Jay’s arm. Jay’s head jerked to the side, and he felt his nostrils flaring. Landon immediately retracted his hand, looking sheepish. Now Jay felt like a grade-A dickhead. “Sorry. I think I’m just tired. Not much for company, you know?”

Landon nodded. “Yeah. Sorry, man. I’ll get out of your hair.” Landon rose from his chair and pulled his shirt on, but didn’t button it up. Jay had to struggle not to lick his lips at the sight of the man’s chest peeking out.

“No, I’m sorry,” he managed to get out. “Thanks for your help.”

“Any time. I mean it. I got most of that done. We can finish up before the fish fry tomorrow if you want.”

“No, that’s okay. It won’t take me long. I’ll get out in the early morning and handle that last bit. You got most of it done anyway.”

Landon’s brows were still furrowed in concern. “You sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. Just tired. I’ll probably shower and turn in.”

Landon studied him another minute with that easy grin of his that made Jay’s fingers and toes tingle.
Please. Just go.
He’d almost beg.

“Jay, if you need anything, just call me, okay? I know we don’t know each other all that well or anything, but… if you need someone to talk to.” The sincerity in Landon’s voice, in his eyes, made Jay only capable of grunting and nodding. He put on his best dad smile, the one he used when the kids didn’t need to know he was stressed.

“Thanks again for your help,” he said with feeling. He couldn’t let any of the things he was feeling out, couldn’t really talk to Landon about it. But that was honestly the first time someone offered to just listen to him since his mother died long ago.

Bethany had been great, but by the time he’d actually wanted to start talking to her, they had nothing to talk about anymore. Landon was just offering him a place to land. And for a man who was married for seventeen years, Jay suddenly felt bereft in the knowledge that he’d never felt like he had touched down before. His kids grounded him, gave him perspective. Bethany had been his friend and his confidant. But he’d never felt …

“What are you fucking doing?” He snapped at himself as he watched Landon’s truck pull away.

This was ridiculous. He was struggling because of his ex, and the fact that he was alone today. He was off balance because he’d found out his one friend might be gay and it was just making him try to figure out how he felt about that. He was good.

He finished the last of his beer, picked up Landon’s, and headed inside.

Chapter 6

Jay’s guilty conscience got the better of him after he’d had some time to shower, eat, and veg out in front of some Andy Griffith reruns on a local station. He did what he was best at, one of the things Bethany said distanced them back when they’d tried counseling; he’d compartmentalized, as the doctor called it. He could almost hear them telling him he needed to not just rationalize and neatly put away his feelings, but what else could he do? Give himself an ulcer?

His daddy had always been an anxious man, lost in his head and unable to see past things that stressed him out. His daddy wasn’t one for talking things out or sharing his feelings, getting things off his chest. Of course, that probably hadn’t helped the issues that lead to his heart giving out at fifty.

Jay couldn’t even let himself dwell on the thought he’d been looking at another man. It all made sense in the context of his being single, busy, and seeing his ex for the first time in months. There was no reason to even concern himself. One lesson he’d learned the hard way was that sometimes apologizing for being an ass was the best policy.

Landon was his co-worker and his friend, and had stopped by to help simply because he was being a good man. He owed Landon an apology for losing his mind there for a minute. No reason to examine why his conscience felt so strongly about it. Landon had said it, they didn’t know each other all that well. But that was no excuse for bad manners. How could he teach his kids right from wrong when he wasn’t man enough to own up to his own rudeness?

He picked up the cordless phone and dialed Landon’s number.

“‘Lo?” Landon answered.

“Hey, bud. This is Jay.”

A beat of silence. “Oh, hey Jay. What’s good?”

“Aw, not much.” He stood and went to look out the french doors that led to his half-finished deck on the back of the house. The sun just finished giving up its final bit of light, the sky a light purple, sliding into black. The trees in the back swayed in the autumn wind, leaves falling to the ground.

“Look,” Jay started. “I wanted to apologize for this afternoon. You stopped by to help.” And I don’t know why I’m doing this. “And I was rude.”

“Oh,” Landon said, the one word speaking volumes as to his confusion. “Um, Jay, I really didn’t think much of it. Figured you were tired.”

Jay felt embarrassed now, realizing while he may have told himself he hadn’t, he obviously had overthought the situation. And that was something no one had ever accused him of before.

Jay didn’t consider himself shallow, or a thoughtless man, but he didn’t often think things into the ground. Things tended to be cut and dry, black and white, right and wrong. Life was not as complicated as people made it out to be. Even as a teenager, he’d never been one for angsting.

Now his ground was shaken. Heaven forbid Bethany ever find out, because she might punch him in the nose for being shaken up by life finally, a year too late.

“Jay?”

“Oh, sorry. Got distracted.”

“It’s cool. You’ve got a lot going on.”

Just get off the phone.
“Just wanted to say I appreciate your friendship lately. And while I’m probably being a little more sentimental than I’m comfortable with because my kids are gone, I learned too late to tell people I appreciate them and their help. So this is that.”

“Oh-kay.” Landon’s drawing out the word made Jay
really
feel like an ass. Landon probably thought Jay was drunk dialing. He glanced back at his beer bottle collection on the coffee table and realized Landon might not be completely wrong in that assessment.

“You sure you’re cool, Jay?”

“Yes. I’m good,” he said with false cheer.

“I appreciate you calling, Jay.” Landon was quiet and seemed to weigh his words before continuing. “I don’t have a lot of friends around here. It’s been nice having someone to kick back with.”

“I understand. Things get lonely.”
Shut your fool mouth.
That’d just fallen out.

Landon let out a sigh and his “Yeah” was spoken sadly. “I want to tell you something.”

Jay’s eyes closed. Damn, he didn’t know if he wanted to hear. He didn’t want to react wrong. “Okay. Shoot.”

“Just in the interest of our continuing being friends. I’m going to tell you something, and I’d appreciate it if it doesn’t get around because
no one
but my folks know here.”

Jay swallowed thickly but made a noise of assent.

“Jay, I’m gay.” The words hung there in the loaded silence as Jay’s heart banged against his chest. Landon continued. “I hope that doesn’t fuck up our friendship, or whatever, but I understand if it does. I just figured, you’ve been an open book. So … I should probably tell you.”

“That’s fine. And it’s okay.” He meant it. He thought. “So, the break up you talked about earlier…”

“Yes. A man. He couldn’t handle me living up here. He lives down in Brandon and he couldn’t make it up here much because of work. And I couldn’t quit on my daddy since he didn’t have anyone else to help run the mill.”

“That had to be rough.”

“He mostly gave me shit because he thought I was a closet case. I suppose I am in some ways. But, my folks know.”

That made Jay’s heart rate spike again. Did that mean, since he spent time with Landon, they thought he was too? Did Landon?

“Don’t worry. No one will think you are just because you hang out with me.” Jay looked at the phone, wondering how Landon had read his mind like that.

“That’s—”

“No, Jay. Really. I understand. If it’ll make problems for you or your kids, I get it. That’s why I told you.”

“I’m a grown-ass man, Landon. And it’s twenty-fifteen. Plus, I think people know well enough I’m not gay. I don’t mind hanging out with you. You’ve been a good friend to me since I moved back. It’s not a problem for me.”

Landon sighed on his end of the call, a sound of relief. “So, we’re cool?” Okay, there was a slight disappointment even Jay wasn’t daft enough to miss. But disappointment over what, Jay couldn’t fathom.

“Long as you can accept my apology for being a jerk this afternoon.” And that was about enough of that. “So. Fish fry tomorrow. You need me to bring anything?”

Landon laughed. “Sharing time is over?”

“We can braid each other’s hair tomorrow, don’t worry.”

“Why, Jay, if you say we can swap diaries, I’ll never understand how a woman could let you get away.”

“My softer side is a new development.” Landon’s chuckle made Jay smile, and he was too glad they were teasing and his head wasn’t going in three hundred directions, he couldn’t even give a damn.

“Okay, Jay. I’m gonna get off’a here. And no, don’t bring anything but yourself. Unless you want some specific beer.”

They eventually got off the phone and Jay felt lighter. He felt fucking weird, but lighter. He decided to take his ass to bed. It’d been a long and strange day and he just wanted to crash out now.