Blue Sky Days (16 page)

If I wasn’t allowed to help care for him and if I couldn’t even see him for a single minute, there was nothing I could do but wait things out.

Feeling like I needed to be around people, I went to visit Vince and Maggie at the diner. Both of them said they hadn’t heard from Nicholas in more than a week, but they had noticed he’d been acting strange lately. Maggie thought he seemed fatigued; Vince said Nicholas was showing an unusual lack of interest in doing anything, and wasn’t the full-of-life person they had always known.

I stayed at the diner for a few hours, listening to the jukebox, or talking to Vince and Maggie when they weren’t busy. A few of the locals stopped by my table to talk, but I found it difficult to smile and carry on a conversation when my mind was elsewhere. Maggie kept bringing me food—French fries, mozzarella sticks, perogies—and refilling my root beer.

Each time she brought me something new I wondered why she kept bringing me food, but then I realized I was mindlessly eating whatever she put in front of me while my thoughts raced distractedly. She looked so concerned and kept touching my shoulder in a comforting, reassuring way that part of me wondered if she knew something I didn’t.

During one of her short breaks when she slid into the booth beside me and simply sat quietly with her hand covering mine on the table, I finally realized her actions were simply those of a loving friend. No ulterior motive, nothing to hide, just a friend being a friend. Even after all those months there were still times when it was hard for me to accept that I had people in my life who genuinely cared.

Time passed and I continued to sit in my booth; the voices of people around me were like a buzzing—indistinct and distant. There was a gnawing in my stomach that I knew was part worry, but was also likely a result of the fatty, greasy food I’d been consuming all night. I didn’t realize how late it was until the lights suddenly dimmed and I looked up to see Vince switch the Closed sign on the front door.

I slid numbly from the booth and was reaching inside my purse for my wallet when Maggie came up behind me and put her arm around my shoulders. “It’s on me. Why don’t you come spend the night at our place? We can banish Vince to the couch so you and I can have a girls’ night. We can talk or just hang out, whatever you want.”

I sighed heavily. “I really should be at home in case Nicholas calls. Or Sam.” I looked up and noticed the lines of worry between Maggie’s drawn brows. It dawned on me then that she loved Nicholas too, and was obviously worried about both of us. “Maybe you could come spend the night with me?” I asked tentatively.

Maggie smiled, the lines disappearing from her pretty face. “I’ll just be a few minutes, okay?” She gave my shoulders a squeeze before turning and running into Vince, who had been standing there looking as concerned as Maggie had a moment before.

“Just go,” he said, looking from Maggie to me, and back again. “I’ll clean up and close by myself. It shouldn’t take long.” He leaned in to kiss Maggie, and as he hugged her, I heard him whisper, “You drive Emma’s car and I’ll pick you up in the morning. Just take care of her and make sure she’s okay. I’ll keep my cell on all night.”

My eyes stung with tears as Vince released Maggie and stepped forward to enfold me in a tight embrace. “You girls have fun,” he said in a light tone I knew was forced, but had to admire him for. He ushered us to the door and made a big production of locking it behind us.

Daisy was up when we got home, so she made hot chocolate and the three of us congregated in the living room for a while. I sat beside Daisy with my body turned toward her warm, reassuring presence. My legs were tucked up under myself, and my hands were wrapped around the steaming mug, but ever since the night before when I spoke to Sam, I couldn’t get completely warmed up.

Daisy and Maggie carried on a stilted conversation, trying hard to include me, but my mind kept wandering. Finally, Daisy said she was going to bed and suggested we do the same.

I led Maggie up to my room, where I loaned her one of my nightgowns before finding one for myself. It still seemed strange to be sleeping in long-sleeved nightgowns made with heavy material when it felt like I had just been wearing my gauzy, barely-there nighties to get through the often-stifling heat of summer.

We crawled into bed and Maggie shifted closer to me. We lay on our backs with our shoulders touching, and I desperately wished it were Nicholas lying beside me. I missed him so much it was becoming a physical ache. I had never loved anyone enough to miss them this much. I guessed my former life had been a sort of ignorant bliss—I didn’t know what I was missing by having people to love and who loved me in return.

Knowing it now and having it still feel so new made it much harder. It was difficult to fathom that just a few months ago I didn’t have any friends, had never been in love, never had a friend sleep over, or had someone do anything in their power to comfort me the way Maggie had that night.

When I realized Maggie’s breathing had slowed and evened, I looked over at her and saw she’d fallen asleep. Her beautiful red hair was vibrant even in the semi-darkness of my room, spilling in riotous waves over the white pillowcase.

I turned my attention to the windows and lay there for a while longer, comforted by Maggie’s presence and knowing that if I needed her she was there. I watched the slow progression of the shifting moon until it slanted in a pearly shaft across my bed. Finally, lulled by the sound of Maggie’s breathing and the blanket of moonlight, I fell asleep.

CHAPTER 11

The next morning I awoke feeling groggy and disoriented. I was surprised to see the sun shining, filtering through my curtains to cast a golden glow throughout my room. I couldn’t believe it was morning and that I had slept all night without waking even once.

Daisy made us breakfast as she tried to keep a conversation going with Maggie much like they had the night before, but it felt forced and we ended up eating in silence. The more time went by, the more worried we all were about Nicholas. Daisy and Maggie, who had both known Nicholas for years, said this wasn’t normal behaviour for him, which made me all the more worried.

While Daisy and Maggie cleared the dishes from breakfast, I slipped into the living room and called Nicholas’s house, but there was no answer. At that moment I made up my mind to see or talk to Nicholas that day, regardless of Sam’s objections. I’d had enough of sitting around worrying and wondering, and enough of feeling like a piece of me was missing.

When Maggie called Vince to pick her up later that morning, I thanked her for being such a good friend and told her I would come visit her and Vince at the diner again soon.

Maggie wrapped her arms around me, holding on tight even when I felt tears stinging my eyes and wanted to pull away. “Everything’s going to be fine,” she whispered. She released me when we heard Vince’s car turn into the driveway, and I could see her eyes glistening as she hurried out the door.

I knew her words were meant to comfort me, but as I watched them drive away, that same sense of foreboding rose again inside me, and I ran into the house to dial Nicholas’s number once more. When there was still no answer, I told Daisy I had something to do and I bolted from the house before she could ask what it was.

Behind the wheel of my car, I took a few deep breaths to calm myself before starting the engine and backing out of the driveway. I didn’t need to make the situation worse by getting into an accident because I was so distracted.

As I pulled up to the Shaw house, I thought it looked quiet—too quiet. Sam had mentioned on the phone a few days before that his truck was out of the shop; it was gone now, and Nicholas’s truck was parked near the garage. Looking up at the house, I noticed the curtains were all pulled tight against the sunlight.

I parked my car behind Nicholas’s truck, and walked toward the house. Movement from above caught my eye; I looked up at Nicholas’s bedroom window and noticed the curtains flutter as if someone had been there a moment before.

I waited a minute longer to see if there would be any more movement at the window, but when nothing happened I jogged the rest of the way up to the house and rang the doorbell.

When there was no answer, I began to feel an inexplicable panic surging up through my chest. “Nicholas!” I called desperately. “Nicholas, please, I know you’re in there!” I rang the doorbell again, and after a few seconds, I could hear slow footfalls inside heading toward the door.

The door creaked open and Nicholas stood there, wrapped in a wool blanket, his hair disheveled and his face pale except for the dark purple shadows under his eyes. His bloodshot eyes gave the distinct appearance of someone who had been crying.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, my pleading voice shaking. I was sure my knees would give out at any moment, and the feeling of panic rising inside me refused to subside even with Nicholas standing right there in front of me.

Nicholas just stared at me for a moment before opening the blanket and holding out his arms. I collapsed against him and he wrapped the blanket around both of us, his arms encircling me and holding me close to his body.

He felt thinner, his belly even flatter than usual and his ribs pressing into my torso. I could feel an unnatural heat radiating off his body, and his heart pounded in competition with my own, which felt like it would leap from my chest any second. I knew down to my bones there was something seriously wrong. I could feel it in every pore of my body as he held onto me like a lifeline.

When I pulled away to look up at him there were tears running down his face, and the panic that had finally begun to subside crept up again in my stomach and chest, making me feel sick.

Miraculously, over the deafening roar in my ears, I heard Nicholas say quietly, “Come in and have tea with me.”

Tea
?! I wanted to scream.
You look like death and I feel like my lungs or my heart or
both
are going to explode and you want to have tea
?

I took a deep breath, trying to tamp down the hysteria threatening to rise, snakelike, inside me. “All right,” I said in a barely controlled voice. “Let me make it though, you go sit down.” I was afraid he was going to fall over right there in the front hall.

He didn’t even try to argue, but merely turned and went to sit in the living room while I headed to the kitchen. As I filled the kettle and set it on the stove, I used those few minutes to collect my thoughts.
Getting hysterical isn’t going to do any good for anyone
, I thought, my ability to be rational returning.
You don’t even know what’s wrong yet. It could be nothing
.

But in my heart I knew it wasn’t
nothing
, and I was going to need those last few moments of sanity before finding out the truth.

When the water had boiled, I poured it into the old ceramic teapot that once belonged to Nicholas’s mother, adding a bag of herbal tea I found in a canister on the counter. Knowing Nicholas liked his tea strong, I took a few extra minutes to find the wooden tray the Shaw men kept stashed beside the stove with their baking sheets. I arranged the pot, two large mismatched mugs, the bowl of sugar, and a couple of spoons on the tray, and made my way out to the living room.

I was unable to stop the rattling of the cups caused by my unsteady hands as I placed the tray on the coffee table. I poured the tea and when I handed Nicholas his cup I noticed his hands were shaking as much as mine were.

He took a small sip of the steaming brew before setting it aside on the end table. I stood and watched him for a second before taking my own cup and easing myself into the chair across from him.

“Emma…” He closed his eyes tightly and shook his head. When he opened them again, he looked straight at me and I felt a cold shiver of dread run up my spine. “I’m sick, Emma.”

The hysteria threatened to bubble up inside me again. He wasn’t telling me anything I didn’t already know. Maybe he had been so ill he didn’t even realize how much time had passed and how everyone who loved him had been worrying themselves into a near-frenzied state.

My voice was amazingly calm as I said, “I know, baby. Are you feeling any better?”

He laughed, a hollow, eerie sound that had my stomach clenching painfully. “No, I mean I’m
sick
. Not the flu, not a bug that’s going to go away in a few days or even a few weeks. Emma…the doctors say I have leukemia.”

The shock was like a physical thing, taking on a life of its own. A jolt ran through me and I began to shake so hard my mug fell from my fingers and onto the floor, where it shattered into pieces. “Damn it,” I said, sliding from my chair on legs made of jelly, and kneeling on the floor.

“Don’t.” Nicholas leaned forward and grabbed my hands as I reached to pick up the jagged bits of porcelain. He shook his head once, a quick, jerky movement. “Don’t.”

Tears blurred my vision as I looked up at him. What was I supposed to do? What was I supposed to say? He pulled me onto his lap where he wrapped his blanket around both of us again.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before now. The minute I opened the door today and saw the worry and fear in your eyes, I knew I should have told you as soon as I found out. I just…I’ve been so scared, Emma. It’s been like a bad dream, and I kept hoping I would wake up and it would be summer again and life would be perfect. That I’d be healthy and…” His voice cracked, and he cleared his throat. A muscle in his jaw jumped as he clenched and unclenched his teeth.

He took a deep breath before he spoke again. “I know this changes things. If you…if you…” He broke off, his voice quavering.

“If I
what
, Nicholas?” I said, leaning back and trying to force him to meet my gaze.

“If you don’t want to be with me anymore, I’ll understand,” he said quietly, a single tear running down his cheek. His jaw clenched again as he wiped the tear away angrily.

My own jaw dropped in disbelief and I blinked tears from my eyes. “You can’t be serious,” I said, my voice echoing loudly in the otherwise silent room as shock turned quickly to hurt and anger. I took a deep breath and cleared my throat, hoping next time I spoke I wouldn’t sound like I was on the verge of hysteria. “Nicholas, I would never leave you in a million years. You’re
it
for me. Don’t you know that? I
love
you. Nothing’s going to change that.”