Blue Sky Days (15 page)

I wished I had come to Riverview earlier and known Nicholas and Maggie and Vince all those years. I wanted to be in those pictures with them, or at the very least, have my own photos from my high school days. Suddenly I wondered if I had to do it all over again would I do things differently?
 
Knowing what I knew right then—that no matter how hard I tried to please my mother, no matter how desperately I wanted her attention and affection but would never get it—would I have tried so hard? Would I have made different decisions?

If I knew that, at nineteen, I’d be unsure what I wanted to do with my life, would I have worried so much about school? Or would I have actually tried to have a life—friends, a boyfriend, social activities, trips?

The yearbook snapped shut in my lap, breaking me out of my trance-like state. Nicholas eased the book from my lap and handed it back to Maggie, whose brows were drawn slightly in worry. I looked up into Nicholas’s face, his gaze steady on mine. I was sure he knew where my mind had gone, and I was just as sure what he would tell me if I voiced my thoughts.

I didn’t have the choice to do it over again, no matter how much I wished I could. All I had was here and now, and I was doing my best to make up for things by living my life the way I wanted to. And who’s to say that if I actually
could
do things over again, I wouldn’t end up doing exactly the same things, making exactly the same mistakes? Or that if I’d lived in Riverview as a teen, I would have been friends with Nicholas, Vince, and Maggie? There was absolutely no way to know, which meant there was no reason to dwell on it.

“Full circle sounds good,” I said quietly, clearing my throat as I tried to clear my thoughts. I looked at Maggie and smiled weakly. “I’d love to hear you guys play sometime. I didn’t even realize you were musicians.”

Maggie’s smile returned slowly, and I got the impression by the way she had shifted on the couch that she wanted to reach out to me, touch me, reassure me in some way that things would be all right. We hadn’t spent nearly as much time together as we wanted, but we had become close in the time we did have, and she was almost as good at reading me as Nicholas was. “We could play right now, if you like,” she said.

I nodded, and as she and Vince crossed the room to get their guitars, Nicholas pulled me back against his body, tucking me into his side. I loved when he did that; it made me feel safe and secure, and I thought of him once again as an anchor, keeping me grounded in the present.

He smiled down at me, brushing his lips over my forehead and into my hair, lingering for a moment before pressing a soft kiss to my lips. In the back of my mind, I was vaguely aware of Maggie and Vince tuning their instruments, but all I could really think about was Nicholas and the almost overwhelming love I felt for him in that moment.

“Okay lovebirds,” Vince said, bracing one leg on the arm of the couch and resting his guitar on his knee. “This is a new song Mags and I have been working on, so pay attention because you’re the first ones to hear it.”

I smiled as Vince nodded at Maggie and began to play. Maggie joined in a minute later, and a few seconds after her fingers began to move on the strings, her sweet, clear voice joined the chords. Her singing was so lovely it made me think that if they went to New York they might get ‘discovered’ and never come back.

I didn’t have long to continue that train of thought before Nicholas was pulling me to my feet and we were swaying to the music. As he wrapped his arms around me, and our two friends played just for us, I knew it didn’t matter that I couldn’t go back and change things. I was right where I was supposed to be at just the right time.

CHAPTER 10

I never wanted that summer to end. I’d had the best few months of my life since arriving in Riverview, and it all felt tied into the season somehow. The long, bright days; the sultry heat off-set by a cool breeze coming off the river; the youthful feeling I had as I learned to play and dance and enjoy life in a way I’d never known was possible before.

I had friends for the first time in my life. And not just any friends, but the best friends anyone could ask for. I didn’t know how I’d gotten so lucky, going from being completely alone to having a group of people I loved and knew I could count on. Our endless summer days and nights together—spent at home, by the river, in the park, at the diner, or on long drives—made me want to hold onto it all for as long as I could.

But as much as I wanted to keep everything the same, summer did end as it always does. The days grew shorter, the temperature gradually began to dip lower and lower, and the leaves on the trees changed from green to yellow to orange to fiery red.

Canadian geese could be heard honking in the distance—a sure sign that fall was approaching—and soon they were seen regularly, flying southward in their perfect "V" formations. The changes seemed to be happening quickly, and were much more pronounced this far north of Toronto. Even though I was only three hours away from where I grew up, Riverview seemed like a different world altogether.

It was the end of August when the changes I was noticing in Nicholas started to worry me. With the arrival of the autumn weather, he had been strangely quiet, quite unlike his usual energetic and talkative self. His face was pale despite the tan he acquired from working every day in the sun. I would have been concerned about our relationship if it wasn’t for the fact that he still kissed me tenderly, held my hand, and cuddled with me every chance we got.

Nicholas and I planned a date for the last day of August. I hadn’t seen or spoken to him much that week because he was doing overtime at work, but we decided I would meet him at his place since Sam’s vehicle was in the shop and he needed Nicholas’s truck later that night.

I put special care into my appearance, as I always did when Nicholas and I were going out. I knew it didn’t matter to him what I wore—he looked at me with the same appreciative, affectionate gleam in his eye whether I was wearing sweat pants or a nice dress. Still, I was finally beginning to believe him when he told me I was pretty, and it made me feel good about myself when I looked in the mirror and liked what I saw.

Daisy had gone shopping with a friend during the week and surprised me with several bags full of new fall clothes. There were pullover sweaters and cardigans in different materials, textures, and colours, as well as cotton pants, jeans, leggings, and a couple of brightly-coloured long-sleeved dresses. It was practically an entire autumn wardrobe, so I hugged her and thanked her repeatedly until she pried me away with a giggle.

“It was my pleasure,” Daisy said, cupping my face and kissing both my cheeks. “I was in your room the other day and saw that all you had were the clothes you arrived with and a few summer things you bought shortly after you got here. Plus a couple of my outfits, which I want back, by the way.” Her eyes danced in that way that always made me grin. “So I thought it was time for some new threads.”

Now, I called to Daisy as I made my way down the stairs, and she came rushing out of the kitchen, mixing what looked like cookie batter in a large glass bowl. Her hair was piled messily on top of her head and pinned with a large clip, and she had smudges of flour over her cheeks and nose. I had a fleeting thought that this was what a mother was supposed to look like, and what I had secretly dreamed of in childhood.

“Oh, you look terrific!” she exclaimed, signaling for me to spin around and show her the complete ensemble. I had chosen a bright red scoop-neck pullover in a soft knit material, and black loose-fitting cotton pants that swirled around my legs when I walked. Dangly silver earrings hung from my lobes, and a thin silver chain with a little star charm—more gifts from Daisy—rested in the hollow of my throat.

“Thanks to you,” I said, brushing some of the flour off her cheek before planting a noisy kiss there. “I don’t think I’m wearing a single thing that you didn’t give me.”

“Oh, speaking of which,” Daisy said with a smile, heading into the foyer and motioning for me to follow. “My black ankle boots would look great with that outfit.”

Ten minutes later, I left the house wearing not only Daisy’s ankle boots, but also her waist-length leather jacket. I felt great as I drove to the Shaw house and parked in their driveway.

With an excited bounce in my step, I dashed up the front stairs and rang the doorbell. Nicholas was usually outside waiting for me when he knew I was coming, but there was no sign of him. After a minute, I rang the doorbell again and pulled Daisy’s jacket tighter around myself against the sudden chilly breeze.

I glanced at my watch, wondering if maybe Nicholas had forgotten our date since we hadn’t spoken in a couple days. I had just gone down the steps to look up at the house for any sign of lights or movement when Sam opened the door and called to me.

“Hi, Sam,” I said, surprised, but happy to see him as I jogged back up the porch steps. “I was beginning to think you guys weren’t home. I’m supposed to meet Nicholas here for our date.”

“I know, sweetheart,” he said, an odd expression on his face. “Nicholas didn’t have time to call you, but he’s not feeling great, so he’s going to have to cancel. He says he’s really sorry and to tell you that he’ll call you when he’s feeling better.”

“Oh,” I said. Sam looked at me sympathetically as my face fell. “What’s the matter with him?”

Sam shifted from foot to foot and glanced briefly over his shoulder. Normally he would at least invite me into the front hall, especially since the temperature seemed to be dropping rapidly. “You know, I’m not sure, honey,” he said after a minute. He closed the door and put his arm around my shoulders, gently steering me down the steps and toward my car. “I’m hoping it’s nothing serious. I think he’s just run down from work, you know? And the weather turned cold so quick, that’s hard on a lot of people’s systems.”

“Right,” I said slowly, letting Sam continue to guide me down the driveway. “Well…tell Nicholas I hope he feels better soon and to call me if he needs anything.”

 
“Will do, darlin’,” Sam said, bending to kiss me lightly on the cheek before opening the car door for me. “Drive safe.” He closed the door and stepped back, watching as I backed out of the driveway and turned onto the street.

*****

Days passed and I didn’t hear from Nicholas. I called each morning and night to check on him, but Sam said he wasn’t doing any better and that he was spending most of the time asleep.

“Has he seen a doctor?” I asked mid-week.

Sam hesitated before answering. “Yes,” he said finally. “Doctor Bernard told him to get as much rest as possible.”

I wanted to ask if that was all the doctor said, but Sam had been acting so strange lately I didn’t want to press him.

After a week, I felt like I was going crazy. I missed Nicholas’s voice, his smile, the sound of his laughter, the gentle touch of his hand that I had grown so accustomed to. It felt like what I imagined withdrawal would be like—painful and stifling.

I would catch Daisy watching me, giving me worried glances as I wandered the house restlessly, feeling at loose ends. I tried to keep busy, knowing it was unhealthy for me to be so dependent on a boy, but it was more than that. Nicholas wasn’t just my boyfriend, he was my
best
friend. It was like he had become a part of me—an extension of the person I had become—and without him as a daily presence in my life, I felt like something important was missing every moment of every day.

I also couldn’t shake the fear that had started to coil in my belly when I’d seen that strange look on Sam’s face the Saturday before.

Finally, I decided to make some chicken noodle soup and take it over to Nicholas. I knew it was cliché, and that soup probably wouldn’t make him feel better, but I felt like I had to do something. It was also an excuse to go to his place; I would have been happy to see him for even a minute, just to look into his eyes and touch him, and know he would be okay.

I made the soup from scratch, using a recipe I found in Daisy’s handwritten recipe box. I added extra vegetables because I knew that was the way Nicholas liked it. With the soup in a thermos and a basketful of rolls that Daisy had helped me make, I drove to the Shaw house once again and parked. Like the Saturday before, I had to ring the doorbell twice before Sam answered.

In the week that had gone by, he looked as though he’d aged a decade. Sam’s usually youthful face was pale and drawn, and the lines around his red-rimmed eyes were more prominent.

“I…I brought Nicholas some soup,” I said slowly, wondering if Sam had caught what Nicholas had. “I thought maybe I could take it up to him and see him for a minute. I promise I won’t stay long, I just need to see him.” I hated the note of desperation that crept into my voice as I spoke.

“That’s really sweet of you, Emma, and I’m sure he’d appreciate it, but…I don’t think that’s such a good idea.” At the look of hurt on my face, he continued. “Well, he’s sleeping right now, and even if he were awake, we’re not sure what’s wrong with him and if he’s contagious or not. Wouldn’t want you to catch anything.”

I was about to argue and say that I didn’t care if I got sick, but the look on Sam’s face stopped me. It was a mixture of fear and fatigue, and when his eyes turned pleading I felt a sudden chill roll up my spine. “Okay,” I said, barely above a whisper.

I held out the thermos and biscuits with shaking hands, and Sam took them with a nod of thanks. “I’ll just leave this with you then. When he wakes up, tell him…tell him…” My voice caught as my throat tightened with the threat of tears. “Just give him my love.”

Sam smiled weakly, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “I will, darlin’.” He set the food on a porch chair, and like the time before, he walked me out to my car, gave me a quick kiss on the cheek, and watched until my car disappeared around the corner.

I didn’t know why, but I felt a strange sense of foreboding. I had never seen Sam anything but cheerful and lively, yet I barely recognized the man I’d just left. The fact that Nicholas was sick enough to prevent him from calling me the past week had the ever-present knot of fear and worry tightening in my stomach.