Bleeding Heart (5 page)

It was this Calix that made me think - I’d never been more wrong - never been more foolish. In the snare of a monster, nothing is beautiful.

Calix stared down into my face for long moments as I fought to keep my tears restrained. Then finally, he lifted himself from my body. I could see from my peripheral vision that he was still painfully hard, but I didn’t know why. I didn’t understand how he could maintain arousal after words as cruel as his. I knew I certainly wasn’t aroused. I’d dried up like a lake in the desert.

Sitting up on the towel, I caught the pool wrap Calix tossed down at me. “Put this on. We’re going back to my room.”

I nodded, but I didn’t speak. My heart felt as though it were being slaughtered with agonizing and slow precision in my chest. I hated how easy it was for him to cause me pain. It was the ease that he found in looking into my tears that solidified the assumption that he could never love me - and I was wasting my time trying to make him.

I felt hopeless. But despite the absence of hope I felt, I couldn’t simply accept his inability to love me as fact when that was the only thing I had left to hope for. It had only been one night. Every road I had ever travelled had its bumps - maybe this night was just a bump in our road. I had to believe, for my sanity, that this was only a bump or maybe a hill, and that we would make it safely over.

When I’d dressed in my wrap, I picked up my still soaked swimsuit from the dock before turning to the house. I walked with Calix following close behind. I took this time to allow my tears to fall, when he couldn’t see my face. As discreetly as I could, I wiped away my tears and steadied my breath as we came to the back door. Calix opened the door to let us inside and I instantly began walking, or running, to the safety of his bedroom. Calix followed behind me without saying a word.

When we were finally standing in his bedroom, Calix moved to turn on the fireplace. The room glowed with the amber light, casting flickering shadows over the walls. I didn’t know why I’d been in such a hurry to arrive in this room - I wasn’t any safer from Calix here than I had been outside this room. I don’t know why I’d thought I would be safer? Maybe it was because I knew this room - every corner - every dent in the wall. This room had been both my hell and my sanctuary - somehow I’d bonded with it.

“Can I take a shower?” I whispered my question, focusing my eyes on the floor.

“Yes.” Calix said stiffly.

I didn’t look up at him as I passed him on my way to the bathroom, closing the door behind me. Once there, I wasted no time in turning on the water - as hot as I could handle it - before stripping from my clothing.

Stepping beneath the fall of water, I breathed in the steam as the water droplets burned my skin, stinging upon touch. I don’t know why I’d turned the water on so hot - but in the back of my mind, I suspected that I really was trying to wash him from my body. I knew I never could succeed in such a feat - but that didn’t mean I wouldn’t try.

Washing my hair and body with numb fingers, I let myself cry. I cried so hard, a few audible sobs escaped from between my lips before I realized I’d even made a sound. Biting down on my lip, I lowered myself to the floor of the shower. And I cried there too. I felt so broken - so terribly worthless, and unwanted, and confused, and hurt, that crying was all I could do. I knew I was picking on myself, but hell, I’d started so I may as well continue.

My back felt raw from the sting of the water, but the pain felt good. Never in my life did I ever think I would have such an odd thought - that pain might actually feel
good
. Pain and good didn’t make sense - the two words weren’t often thought of together. Pain had always intimidated me to a point of terror, but right now, I was ashamed and the pain - this pain - was welcome.

I didn’t hear the bathroom door open, and I didn’t notice Calix until the glass door of the shower had swung open and Calix had turned the hot water to a very mild warm. Stepping into the stream, he demanded loudly, “What the fuck, Nova?”

I didn’t even respond.

I had nothing to say.

Calix wrapped his hand around my upper arm, pulling me from the floor. I moaned, feeling the raw skin of my back ache with the shift and Calix demanded again. “What the fuck are you doing?”

“I don’t know.” I answered honestly, more tears falling. “I don’t even know who I am.” I laughed then, feeling slightly nutty and immensely exhausted. “Who am I Calix? What am I worth?”

His expression twisted from anger to absolute rage - pure, terrifying, rage. “Fuck me.” He growled, but I barely heard him. “You’re worth everything, love.” His arms moved around my body and he steered my back into the stream of lukewarm water. It was a gentle kiss against my raw flesh and I moaned, dropping my face against his chest. He said again with vindication. “You’re worth everything, Nova.”

Calix held me in the stream of water for so long, as I cried in his brutal, conflicting arms. He was like Jackal and Hyde. I never knew which face he would greet me with - I hated that about him. And I hated that I loathed something about a man I loved. Yeah, as much as I didn’t want to - I knew I loved Calix. It was hard to admit when the truth was so damning - but hell,
it was the truth.

My mom always said that love and hate go hand in hand. You can’t hate someone you’ve never loved, or don’t still love to some degree - because hate takes serious effort and if you didn’t love someone, even a little, then you’d never take the effort or waste the energy needed to hate them.

I’d never really understood that statement until now. Now, I truly, with every fiber of my being, understood that statement. I was beginning to believe my mother was a wise woman.

Slowly, Calix dropped his head to my shoulder. He didn’t apologize for pushing me to this breaking point. Instead, he pressed his lips against my shoulder. He kissed me there. Once. Before lifting his head to look into my eyes. I saw in the blue depths that something was torturing him - I just didn’t know what. And I didn’t have the courage or the strength to ask him.

“Will you wait in here while I wash quickly, love?” Calix asked gently.

I knew better than to believe that when Calix asked a question, he expected anything less than acceptance.

So, despite the exhaustion seeping through my bloodstream, I nodded.

I stood in the back of the shower, feeling cold without the heat of the water or his body against mine, as Calix moved quickly through the motions of his shower. But not once, did he take his eyes off me. When he was finished showering, he turned off the water before reaching out to grab for a towel hanging beside the shower. It was fluffy and bronze like all of Calix’s towels - and I watched as he moved toward me.

Wrapping me in the soft fabric, he dried me off as though I were incapable of completing the small task myself. He even squeezed the water from my hair, before bending down and pressing a gentle kiss to my forehead.

When he was finished drying my body, he wrapped me up in the towel before seeing to his own body with the other towel. When he was finished drying himself, he hung his towel, took my hand in his, and led me to the sink. I watched through drooping eyelids as Calix loaded the toothbrush before handing it to me.

“Brush your teeth, love.” He said quietly.

I took the toothbrush and did as he requested as he brushed his own teeth. Again, not even a moment passed where I felt the heat of his eyes fall from my face.

When I was finished brushing my teeth, Calix put my toothbrush in the holder beneath the sink before leading me past the closet and into the bedroom. Guiding me to the bed, he pulled the blanket away from the bed before taking my towel. I climbed between the sheets feeling depressed and heavy as I closed my eyes. I heard Calix toss my towel onto the chair in the sitting area before he moved for the remote to the fireplace.

I whispered. “Can you leave it on?” My voice shook at the end of my request. “Please.”

I felt Calix turn to look back at me and when he spoke, his voice was low. “Yes.” He dropped the fireplace remote back onto the coffee table after turning it to low, before walking to the bed. The bed dipped as he moved the large weight of his body between the sheets, and my heart beat a desolate song in my chest.

“Nova?” Calix spoke my name on a low breath.

“Hmm?”

“I would like to hold you.” He shifted himself onto his side and I knew he was peering down into my face. Good thing my eyes were closed, I thought to myself.

“Then hold me.”

He moved a little closer and the bed shifted again. “Do you want me to hold you?”

I thought about this for a moment. I knew as I withheld my reply, Calix was holding his breath. But the simple fact was that I wanted nothing more than to allow Calix to hold me throughout the night. Even the illusion that came with him holding me, protecting me, loving me - was better than nothing.

“Yes.” My reply was spoken on a strangled breath.

He wasted no time in gathering my body into his arms. Pulling me against his naked chest, Calix spooned me. This giant, rough man was spooning me - his captive - as though I were the thing he cherished most. I wished, with the entirety of my heart, that this was reality and that I really was the one he cherished most.

Calix nuzzled his face into my hair, inhaling my scent deeply. “My girl,” he breathed. “You don’t even realize the lengths I would go for you.”

My heart wept in response to his words. They tore me open from the inside - I wanted to believe them, but I knew Calix, and I knew those words were nothing more than words.

Painfully, my mind brought me back to his rejection and then his cold, harsh speech. I stiffened in his arms before burying my face into the pillow beneath my head. I suddenly wished I hadn’t asked him to leave the fire on. The last thing I wanted was for this man to stand witness to my tears - my Hollywood show of heartbreak.

Calix tightened his hold on me, kissing my shoulder, my throat, and the back of my neck. When my body continued to tremble in violent, silent sobs, Calix tugged me from the pillow. Looking down into my face, I saw his eyes darken as he studied me. My heart leapt in fear as I watched his face twist with emotions I didn’t understand. His golden skin looked flawless in the amber glow of the fireplace as shadows danced over the roof above him.

Dropping his head to mine, I thought he was going to kiss me - and I braced myself, but he didn’t. What he did shocked me more and had an even deeper impact on my heart. Calix touched the tip of his nose to mine before running it up my bridge. He kissed the skin between my eyes and I closed my eyes against this assault on my emotions - but he didn’t stop. His nuzzling of me was entirely primal. I had never experienced a moment so animalistic, so primitive - so meaningful without words. The way he rubbed his face against mine, his rough day-old shadow of hair rubbed against the smooth skin of my cheek and he breathed me in. Over and over again he did this until I was a sobbing mess in his arms. I felt confused, hurt, angry, and loved all at the same time.

He lifted his hand from my stomach to cup the side of my neck, tilting my face toward him. He kissed away my tears, catching them before they fell into my hair from where they were rolling down my temples. He did this over and over again, kissing me, holding me, catching my pain and confusion against his tongue - tasting it - until I didn’t think I had another drop left in me.

“Is it all out, love?” Calix asked gently and I finally understood his actions. He had been encouraging me to feel, to exhaust my pain, my anger, and my confusion so that I might push myself past it.

I murmured. “I don’t know.”

“Look at me, Nova.” Calix pleaded, his hand still palming my neck. He ran his thumb over the length of my jaw as his fingertips touched the line of my hair. I realized he was cradling me.

Encouraging myself to open my tired eyes, I looked up into his face - into his cerulean eyes. They were pained, but determined. This frightened me. I don’t know why, but it did.

“I’m going to kiss you, love.” Calix informed, his voice deep and sure.

I nodded.
What else was I supposed to do?

I watched him as he slowly lowered his mouth to mine. He kissed me gently - a simple kiss, before pulling away. I hadn’t wanted him to stop. More than anything, I just wanted him to take my mind off the insecurities I was feeling inside.
I wanted him to love me.
As soon as the thought came to my mind, I scolded myself.

Shifting beneath him, Calix pulled me tighter against his chest before lying down on his back, tugging my body on top of his in his recline. I settled against his chest as he cradled me in his arms. I fell into sleep as his fingertips traced soft shapes into the naked skin of my back.

Chapter 5

I woke in Calix’s arms the day before the wedding. My back was pressed tight against his front, and he was half lying on top of me. My one leg was bent and lifted and Calix’s leg covered it. Stirring, I felt his hard length against the flesh of my ass and I tensed.

This was how I had woken up every morning with Calix since our fight. We’d spent our days not talking about much - and there had been nothing sexual - what-so-ever, since the night we’d spent in the lake. Calix still kissed me. Actually, he kissed me a lot - and he was always touching me. A hand on my shoulder, the small of my back, or even on my thigh, but he hadn’t pleasured me in any way and neither had I pleasured him. It seemed he was determined to keep things between us from spiraling too far out of control before he was ready. Whatever the reason, it confused me. But what confused me more was his determined unwillingness to allow me to sleep with clothing on. I didn’t understand why, if he was avoiding all sexual activity, he wouldn’t want me to wear clothing to bed.

Holding my breath, I started to slide myself out from beneath him, and like every morning, I woke him up before I succeeded in my escape.

“Good morning, beautiful.” Calix moaned, tightening his arm around my belly where it was resting. “Where are you going?”