Black & Ugly as Ever (15 page)

Getting back with me was not going to be easy. I made up in my mind that I was gonna send his ass through hurdles before he finally got a piece of this boy-band-ass again. And trust me, he was certainly fighting for it.

I was in the Saks Fifth Outlet in Arundel Mills mall trying out a cute pair of black pants. Keith was taking me out and I wanted to make sure I dried his pockets up starting with a shopping spree. Everything was going okay until I tried to ease into the size ten pair of pants I was trying on. With one leg in, and the other out, I leaned up against the mirror to slide my right leg into the other side. Then I stood on two feet and became frustrated because the pants wouldn’t come past my knees.

“Excuse me, miss,” I said calling out to the lady who was helping me at the store. I waited impatiently for her to respond.
“Yes?” she called out nicely. “You need anything, sir?”
“I thought I asked you for a size ten? These don’t fit so they clearly are not what I asked you for.”
“Sir…I did get the size ten like you asked. Did you want to try a few sizes up?”
“Did I ask you to give me a pair a few sizes up?” I said sarcastically placing my hands on my hips.
Silence.
“No sir.” Her attitude was nonchalant. “Did you want me to give you another pair?”
“Yes! And hurry up!”
“Are you okay, baby? Do you want me to find another size?” Keith asked in the background.
“The only thing I want you to do is get your wallet ready.”
I waited for five minutes and she still hadn’t brought them to me. This bitch was bout to make me go off. I know damn well these ain’t no size ten and I don’t care what she says. And to prove it, I decided to take them off to check the tag.
Damn
. They are a size 10. I wasn’t trippin’ though cause as far as I was concerned, someone had tagged them incorrectly. I always wore a size ten and I knew my body. Maybe I didn’t hold my stomach tight enough.
I tried to wiggle into them again. But when I did, the entire pants burst open on the sides. My legs looked like a scene from Incredible Hulk in the pants.
“Here you go, sir.”I took off the torn pants and accepted the new pair.
“Thanks, honey. You can take these back. They didn’t fit because ya’ll had em tagged wrong.” I handed her the defective merchandise over the dressing room door.
“Sir, you’ll have to pay for these,” she told me taking the torn material from me.
“I’m not paying for ya’lls error. Had they been tagged correctly it would not have happened. I know what size I wear, sweetheart.”
After taking the other pants from her I tried them on and the same thing happen. They tore once they got around my thighs. Fuck it! I’ll go somewhere else since it’s obvious they use cheap ass material here. It’s a waste of my time. After I got dressed I grabbed my purse and rolled my eyes at the clerk when I walked past her.
“Your cheap material is hanging on the back of the door.”
“Bitch!” she said under her breath as I walked past her.
“Your wretched ass mother,” I told her back as I looked back. They needed to learn how to treat paying customers around here and I didn’t have the time to teach ‘em. I strutted past her and toward the door. I could see her in my peripheral vision having a hissy fit. She could waste her time, but not mine.
“You okay, honey?” Keith asked me holding my bags as we left the store. I had put a dent in the mall already and figured it was time for us to leave anyway.
“I’m fine.” I told him still trying to get Miss Daffany out of my mind. For some reason, today I thought about her even more and I was sure I was lashing out on everyone. “Just a little hungry that’s all.”
Right when I said that, my cell phone rang. I didn’t recognize the number but had a feeling it was somebody wanting a purse. I had just got my hands on Gucci’s spring collection and knew they’d be eatin’ them up the moment the word got out. Everybody knew I had the best prices in town.
“Sing to me,” I told the caller as I switched my way down the mall.
“Miss Wayne,” a voice called out lightly. My heart dropped along with my purse. I knew it was Miss Daffany.
“Miss Daffany…is that you?” I picked my purse up off the floor.
“I n…need your…help,” she stuttered. “I’m hurt real bad.”
“Baby, don’t get involved in that shit,” Keith whispered. “She got to find her way on her own.”
“Miss Daffany…I…I don’t know,” I looked at him. “You really hurt my feelings the way you left last time. And I don’t know if I could put myself through that again. I’m sorry.”
“Miss Wayne, please.” She sobbed. “I need you. I’m ready to change. I’m ready to start over. I’m scared for me and my baby.”
I looked at Keith and than away from him. There was no way I could allow her to be out there alone even if that meant
me
being alone.
“But you stole from me, Daffany. You took from me what I would’ve gladly given if you would’ve just asked.”
“Steal from you?” she repeated. “On my life I never too anything from you!”
“She’s lying,” he interjected. “Now don’t get caught up in her shit no more. She’s using you and this shit is not going to stop. Now what do you want to do?”
“Miss Wayne, I don’t know what he told you, but it’s all a lie. I need you now more than anything that I would never take from you.” She paused. “Now today I killed somebody.”
“What?!” I screamed startling a few passing people.
“Yes. With a letter opener. He tried to kill me and I’m ready to change now. I’ve learned my lesson, Miss Wayne.”
Chills ran through my body after her hearing her statement.
“Just tell me where you are and I’m on my way.”
After I got the information from her, I placed my phone in my purse and looked at Keith. I knew he would be angry but what did he want me to do? Abandon my family? Plus she commited the ultimate crime to save herself. She needed me now more than ever.
“If you go get her, it’s over between you and I. I’m serious this time. No more running back to me.”
I burst into laughter right in his face.
“Nigga it’s
been
over between you and I. And if you ever cared about me, you would’ve never asked me to choose between you and my friends. Have a nice life,” I continued walking away. “And thanks for the shopping spree.”
It hurt leaving him. But niggas came a dime a dozen while true friends came once in a lifetime.

I told myself I was stopping by to see Jay but I knew I wasn’t. I was really coming by to visit my mother. I hadn’t laid eyes on her since I left and since they lived in the same complex, something in me told me to try. In the past I’d ask Miss Wayne if he’d seen her, but he was too busy chasing behind Daffany when he was around the way to notice.

As I walked through my old hallway, the familiar feeling of despair, hurt and pain overwhelmed me. When I lived here I was nothing but black and ugly Parade Knight. I wasn’t a girl that people liked. Nobody really fucked with me outside of my friends. And I wasn’t entirely sure that things had changed.

Once at my mother’s place, I could feel my heart pounding. Preparing to knock, I stopped moments before my knuckles and the door made contact.
What am I doing here?
My mother hates me and my father could care less if I’m dead or alive. Turning to walk away, I decided to go home and face life with my crazed fiancé, while I waited on the love of my life to call. And then
he
walked out.

I stopped in my steps taking in his deep voice. Slowly I turned around to face him. Although the salt outweighed the pepper color in his hair now, he was still handsome. And his Nestle chocolate colored beautiful. I always thought our complexion look better on him than it ever did on me. The only thing that was different was his eyes. They looked heavy, like he hadn’t been getting much sleep. I knew he was on his way to work because he wore the same blue uniform he always did, and carried a brown paper bag filled with his lunch.

“Hey, daddy,” I said walking up to him. “How have you been?”
My tone was even because I didn’t know what to expect. My father worked eighteen hour days and was hardly ever home when I lived here. And when he was home, he was sleep. That’s why we never had the relationship a daughter and father should have. The only memories I had of my father were of his smelly work boots, the sweat of his uniform and the fact that he loved my fried chicken. He wasn’t there to witness the verbal abuse my mother placed on me. And when he was, he appeared to ignore it.
“Parade…where have you been?” he said in a concerned tone. His voice quivered as I watched his lunch bag fall to the filthy hallway floor. “I have been so worried about you. It’s been over a year.”
Without waiting, he grabbed my body and held me closely. I wept in his arms. In all of my years, my father never held me. He never seemed to care. And now, here he was embracing me strongly. I didn’t mind the sweaty smell of his construction uniform. His 6’4 inch frame covered and soothed me like one of Miss Wayne’s warm blankets. For the first time I felt at home in his arms.
“Daddy, how have you been?” I said wiping my tears and reluctantly pulling away from him. “You look so good,” I continued picking his lunch up off the ground, handing it to him.
“I been fine, sweetheart.” He appeared shocked to see me. “Why haven’t you called? It’s been so long. And whenever I’d ask the Wayne boy, or Daffany about you, they’d say you were fine.”
“I am, Daddy.” I gave him a light smile. “Just needed to get away that’s all.”
“I understand. I guess…but I’ve ben so worried.” A loud horn sounded outside and he glanced at his watch. “Well, honey, I have to go to work now. But I want you to come around more often. Please…I really miss you.”
I hugged him again and said, “I will, Daddy.”
Taking one last look at me, he rushed down the stairs where his friend for years was waiting for him in a blue construction van.
“And, Parade,” he said before exiting the door. “Speak to your mother. She might not say it, but she’s been worried about you too.” With that he was gone.
With the door still cracked, I walked into the apartment I’d lived in for years when I was a child. Nothing had changed much. She still had the same drab cream furniture in the living room, and African art decorations on the wall. Africa was showcased everywhere yet I found no sense of pride for myself. She was in the kitchen washing the dishes when I walked up behind her.
“Mama.”
She stopped what she was doing, and slowly turned around. When her eyes met mine, she smiled. It was the first time my mother looked at me like she was happy to see my face. And then like a light switch had been flicked off, her entire mood changed.
“What are you doing here?” she asked washing the dishes again, her back faced me.
“I came to check on you, mama,” I said slowly walking into the kitchen keeping my distance from her.
She’d lost so much weight and appeared frail. I remember when I lived here she appeared larger than life despite her short stature. I know now it was just her demeaning presence.
“I don’t know why you’re here to check on me. I’m not a drug dealer and I don’t associate with them. So you can just turn your black ass around and go to wherever you came from,” she continued as she rinsed a few forks and spoons and placed them on the dish rack.
“Mama…,” I said swallowing my saliva already feeling the tears filling up within the wells of my eyes. “How…I mean…how come you don’t love me? What can I do to make you love me? I’ll be getting married soon, and I wanted you to be there. I want you to be a part of my life.”
“Married?” she laughed. “Nobody in their right mind would marry you, Parade. What are you talking about?”
That hurt. In fact, it crushed me. I knew it would be a long time before I could get over those words. What’s worse was that she was possibly right. Smokes had no intentions on marrying me. Her words were knives. It wasn’t until recently that I started to disbelieve some of the things she said to me when I was younger. And I knew it would take me many more years to get over these words now. Still, I couldn’t leave, not without knowing why she hates me. Her only daughter. Her only child.
“Mama…is it my fault you don’t love me? Was I not a good daughter? If I wasn’t I’m sorry mama. I always loved you. I still love you now.” She ignored me, and that hurt far more than anything she could’ve said.
“Mama…please talk to me! Be decent to me for once in your life. I love you mama!” I sobbed. “Talk to me please!”
Still nothing. My head dropped. I was done. She made it clear that she didn’t love me.
Ever
. There was nothing more I could do. I would have to live my life, without a mother. Without the one woman I should be able to count on. I took one last look at the back of my mother’s body. It would be the last memory I had of her. The last memory I would have of a life full of hatred.
I walked toward the door with my head down, and then I heard, “Parade.”
My entire body trembled. She didn’t call me a black bitch or a whore this time. She called me by my birth name. Yet I was so frightened of rejection that I couldn’t face her.
“Yes, mama,” I said looking at the front door. I was sure her back was still faced me too.
“It…It’s not your fault,” she stuttered as I heard the dishes clinging. “It’s mine. Just give me some time to clear things out in my head. Okay?”
“Y…yes, mama!” I cried heavily. “Thank you sooo much, mama!”
Her words lifted years of pain off of my heart. And I ran out the door before she’d have a chance to change her mind. My mother didn’t know it, but with the small ounce of hope she gave me, she also gave me back part of my life.
“What exactly do I have to do, Smokes?” I asked him as we sat side by side on the couch. “And why is she here?” I asked pointing at Sweets.
“I’m here because I’m a friend, Parade.” She sounded sincere. “Stop thinkin’ I’m out to get you cause I’m not. Trust me, I’m more on your side than you think.”
She’d said that before many times and I never knew what that meant. I looked at Smokes and for a second, my mind went back to the conversation I had with Jay. He pleaded with me to be two steps ahead at
all
times. I mean, why would Smokes have me do anything illegal if he truly loved me?
“Smokes…can I talk to you alone?”
He looked at Sweets before he looked at me and I became enraged. Who was she and what was this hold she had over him? I was supposed to be his so-called fiancé. And trust…now that I had Jay, all I really wanted was out, but he wouldn’t let me. So I decided to test what was really going on.
“Parade, I’m not the enemy,” Sweets continued.
“Baby,” I said rubbing his knee. “Please, just five minutes…
alone
.” He looked at her, shook his head and she left the room. When the bitch was gone, I addressed him. “Listen…I’ve been thinking, I want to be with you. And I’m ready to be with you forever. I know we’ve gone through a lot over the past few days and I’m sorry. I don’t want anybody but you, not even Jay. I’m also ready to be down for you and do anything you need from me.”
“I know, Parade. But what’s really up?”
“When are we getting married?” I asked him softly. “I’m ready to be your wife…
now
.” He turned away from me, cleared his throat and looked back at me. It was the first time I noticed his apprehension.
“Soon…let’s just get past this thing we gotta take care of first. We need money for a wedding and right now the funds are low.”
“Baby, I want to marry you in a few weeks. I don’t need a big wedding anymore. All that’s important to me is you. Just me…you and a couple of our close friends at the Justice of the Peace will do me just fine. Will you marry me, baby?” I hoped he wouldn’t say yes and it would backfire on me.
“I will, but not now, Parade. Soon though. Okay?” he said pushing me off.
“Okay.” Jay was definitely right.
After our short convo he didn’t call Sweets back and told me what he wanted. What he wanted me to do was crazy and dangerous. I was supposed to board a plane to the Dominican Republic with over $100,000 strapped to my body. Once there someone was going to meet me to collect the funds. Once the funds were received they would arrange for the dope to be in the states within 48 hours. He promised me that I’d never have to touch any drugs but I didn’t believe him. All I knew was that there was no way I’d be able to go through with it. I hadn’t realized things could get so involved. I didn’t see a positive outcome in sight, and although I listened, I had one thing on my mind, getting myself out of this scenario and ridding myself of Smokes once and for all
.