Black & Ugly as Ever (13 page)

It took me a few hours to clean my place. I guess I was trying to find a way to get over everything by staying busy. Taking two bags full of trash outside, I was shocked when I saw Keith standing in the hallway. I didn’t realize how much I missed him until I saw his face. And most of all, after everything Miss Daffany put me through; I just needed somebody to talk too. And a part of me was starting to believe he never did the things Miss Daffany said he did. But my doubt felt more like betrayal.

Instead of telling him how much I needed him, I said, “What the fuck you doin’ here, Keith?”
Pushing past him I made my way to the steps and toward the dumpster outside. A guy I fucked a few months back when Keith was tripping nodded at me. I nodded back. Keith was right on my trail, sniffin’ behind this delicious piece of ass like he always did.
“Baby, can we talk?” he asked, as he followed me after I dumped my garbage and headed back to my place. “I miss you and you know I’d never do anything to hurt you.” I jotted up the steps in silence not knowing what to say. His voice alone had me wanting to throw my arms around him.
“I don’t want to talk, Keith. You violated me
and
my trust. And I could never go back to that again.” I walked inside and flopped on the couch.
Dropping to his knees he said, “Baby, I’d never violate your trust. As a matter of fact, I came to your crib yesterday to talk to you and caught Daffany roaming through your shit.”
I was stunned.
“What are you talking about?”
“I came by and she was throwing stuff around trying to find something. I knew you wasn’t there because your car wasn’t outside. Eventually she walked to the back and came out the door. She had your money in her hands. I caught her at the door right before she took off. I even got your cash back.” He handed me a wad of cash.
“You saw Miss Daffany?” I asked, taking my money back. “When she was here?”
“Yeah, baby… I stopped her and questioned her, and found out she was stealing from you. She’s fucked up .You can’t fuck wit her no more. I see a lot of that shit in my line of work. All she’s gonna do is bring you down. The only thing she cares about is dope! I been tryin’ to tell you not to fuck wit that bitch.”
My head fell in shame.
“Well if you were here, and you cared so much, why didn’t you close my door?”
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I was so caught up in making sure she got out of your building that when I put her out, I didn’t go back. I’m sorry about that. I guess her fuckin’ over your messed me up. And I tried to reach you but you wouldn’t accept my calls. But let’s not do this anymore. You know you’re the love of my life.”
“So, you actually saw her stealing from me,” I said softly. I couldn’t move past Miss Daffany’s deceit.
“Yes,” he repeated. I guess I wanted him to say something different than what he had already. “Like I said, you wouldn’t answer my calls. I’m sorry, Wayne.”
He was right, ever since I suspected him to be a liar, I had been ignoring his calls, but now here he was coming to my rescue.
“Can I take you out?” he asked rubbing my knee. “And show you how much you mean to me?”
I nodded yes.
I got myself together preparing to go out. I made up my mind that I was not going to accept any more of Miss Daffany’s calls unless the Lord Himself came down here and begged me. I just hoped I could do it.

The brick wall I was leaning against woke me because it was cold against my skin and the mattress under my body was damp. Looking around I knew I was in an alley in Southeast D.C., and I tried to find somebody familiar. I remember coming here last night after copping about two hundred dollars worth of dope. The alley was the place we came to smoke amongst our own-other dopeheads. And I’d been here so much I could almost call this place home. It was the only place consistent.

“You up already?” Carmen asked. She was laying on the mattress on my right. I was startled because I didn’t see her at first.

“Yeah…what happened last night?” I asked rubbing my belly. My baby would move first thing in the morning and it was the only time I remembered or cared that I was pregnant.

“What didn’t happen?” Carmen asked as she sat up next to me. “We made a lot of money last night and spent it up.”
“We?” I repeated. Lately it seemed like she was pimping me. She had a knack of finding the freakiest and nastiest men on earth for me to deal with. “Cause it seems like I been doin’ all the work. You might suck a few dicks, but for real, all the dope we buy is compliments of me.” I told her stroking my tummy. The baby was kicking a lot and I figured it was hungry. I had to feed it even though I didn’t want food.
“I do just as much shit as you do,” Carmen said standing up, brushing the back of her dingy jeans. “Now come on, we got to be somewhere at 10:00. The man’s wife leaves for work and he gonna give us $100.00 dollars if he gets wit’ you.”
“Us? If I’m doing all the work how come he gonna give
us
some money? That’s what I’m talking about. I’m not feeling this shit no more, Carmen.” I stood up and pulled my blue YMCA T-shirt down so that it fell over the back of my jeans.
“He gonna give
us
the money cause I get
you
the business,” she said rubbing her arms. “Without me you wouldn’t be shit! Now let’s go!” She walked up the block.”
As I walked behind her, I started feeling like I didn’t need her. After all, it was my pussy that was getting all of the dope we used so what
was
her purpose?
“Carmen, I think I”ma go off on my own. That way I can save up more money and get a place for me and my baby.”
“Oh really?” She turned around and placed her hands on her hips. “So where you gonna start, Daffany? You don’t know nobody sep’ them cheap ass hustlers around the Manor. Plus, I can have somebody kick your ass everyday for a week if you try to back out on me now. Then you wouldn’t have to worry about your baby.”
“What?” I was shocked at her response.
“You heard me. If you try to act like you’re a solo act I’ll have somebody kick your ass everyday of the week.”
I was fuming! She got me fucked up if she thought she was gonna to get to me like that. I knew for a fact I was tougher than her.
“Oh really?” I said stepping up to her with my fist balled up. “Why don’t you try it now! Why you gotta have somebody else do your dirty work. Man up, bitch! Fight me straight up!”
Dopeheads started looking at us and I could tell they were prepared for some excitement to help get their minds off of their fucked up lives. Instead of doing anything, she backed down. Just like I thought. She was a punk!
“You know what, fuck you! If you think you can get the kind of money I find us, be gone! But don’t come crying to me when it ain’t working,” she said walking away. “My pussy is doin’ me just fine!”
The moment the words left her mouth I knew I made a major mistake. I didn’t have a friend in the world and if I let her go, I wouldn’t even have an enemy. Everything in me felt that if I had another chance with Miss Wayne, I would surely take it. Or at least I’d try. I’m sure by now Keith told a bunch of lies on me. All I wanted to do the day I went to Miss Wayne’s was get some rest, and clean up. But when I turned the key to the door, Keith came up behind me in the hallway.
“What you doin’ here, bitch?” he said. “I should fuck you up right now for the problems you caused!” he continued pressing his weight on my back so that my tummy pressed firmly against Miss Wayne’s door.
“Please don’t hurt me,” I pleaded. I hoped someone would come to my rescue. It seemed as if lately, the most violent things were occurring in my life. “I’ll leave and never come back I promise.”
He grabbed a fist full of my hair and mushed my face against the cold door. I could taste my own blood from my teeth pressing against my lips, while my baby kicked wildly.
“Listen…I want you to stay the fuck away from here, and never come back. If you do come back I’ll kill you with my bare hands. You hear me?”
“Yes,” I said shaking my head. Tears ran down my face. “I won’t come back. Just please don’t hurt me.”
“And if you tell Wayne anything I’ll find you. Trust me.”
He released me and I left, vowing to never see my friend again. But now, here with Carmen, all I thought about was getting clean and taking care of my baby. Miss Wayne’s home was just what we needed to get ourselves together. But I had fucked up so much there was not turning back.
“Carmen,” I called out before she left me too. She turned around and said, “What?”
“I’m sorry.” My head dropped. “You’re right; I can’t do this on my own.”
She walked back up to me and smiled slyly. “Okay, but you betta remember next time that although the pussy belong to you, its cause of me you gettin’ paid for it.”
And just like that, I was right back where I started. In hell.

I saw Jay’s headlights approach my car and I smiled. Then I quickly looked at myself in the mirror and swallowed the Ciroc vodka, straight up that I had in my cup. I wasn’t able to leave Smokes yesterday but I made sure nothing would stop me from seeing my baby tonight. I needed a break after the shit Smokes ran down to me, and spending time with Jay was perfect. Like he asked me to, the only thing I brought with me was a black bathing suit with rhinestones throughout it. I had also taken my tracks out and wore my natural hair down. With my new shoulder length mane, I had it styled in a cute little bob that brushed my cheeks and I hoped Jay would like it.

“You ready?” he asked me as he opened my car door. He smelled and looked so sexy I wanted him right here. We met in Arundel Mills, parking lot in Maryland.

“Yeah I’m ready, baby.” I wished I had a little more to drink when exiting the car. For some reason I was nervous. It was like it was the first time we’d gotten together. “I been waiting for this all night.”

When I slid into his 2008 silver Tahoe my body melted within the leather seats. I loved the smell of a brand new car mixed with men’s cologne. He kept looking at me from the corner of his eyes and I tried my best to keep my tummy sucked in, and my hair neat.

“Thank you.” I fondled with my hair again unconsciously.
“Why do you do that?” He turned up the music lightly.
“Do what?”
“Fidget wit’ yourself every time you wit me?” He paused. “I said you look good, Parade, ain’t no need in feelin’ uncomfortable. I want you to relax when you’re around me.”
“I am…but…I don’t want you to get turned off either. I know what kind of girls you’re use to.”
“Parade, unlearn all of that shit you think about me.” He rubbed his hand on my knee. “I want you to see I’m real wit’ you. And I’m not the same stupid ass nigga who put you through that shit when we were together. But it ain’t gonna mean shit if you don’t believe me.”
This whole thing is crazy to me. Back in the day he wasn’t feelin’ me, now he was doing all he could to prove he
was
feelin’ me. How come it took droppin’ his ass to get my respect? When I gave him my heart and my body he stomped on it. And as much as I wanted to believe he had changed, so much damage had been done to my self esteem.
“Can I ask you somethin’?” I said changing the subject slightly.
“Anything,” he said smoothly.
“Have you ever asked Sky to do anything illegal for you? You know…to help you get money?” I was out of line for asking him but I needed to know. My heart had already chosen Jay, but my mind still was locked on Smokes. And I wanted to know if he had been playing me all along or if he ever cared about me.
“You playin’ right?” he asked pulling over on the side of the road. “Please don’t tell me this nigga askin’ you to get involved in his shit.” I didn’t respond. “I knew it!”
“You knew what?”
As if he was holding something from me he cleared his throat and said, “Why you ask me that?”
“I’m just askin’, Jay. It’s not that serious.”
“Listen…if that nigga askin’ you to get involved in his shit I’ll kill that nigga.”
That turned me on.
“No, Jay…he wouldn’t do that.” I lied. “I’m just asking you hypothetically.”
“Hypothetically huh?” He was silent before he said, “Parade…I don’t think that nigga’s in your corner. And I think you need to be careful.”
“Why you say that?”
“Remember the dude Zeeway?” I nodded. “Well the way he talks about the shit Smokes do behind your back, I can tell he ain’t got no intentions on being serious about you. If anything…he’s been checkin’ a lot for that shorty he run wit all the time.”
He must’ve been talking about Sweets.
“Jay, please,” I said smacking my lips. “Don’t act like you were the most faithful-ess nigga when you were dealin’ wit Sky. And for your information I’m sure that nigga cheats so you wastin’ your breath tellin’ me somethin’ I already know. I haven’t met a man on earth who can be faithful. So why should mine be any different? And look at me!” I said realizing I was cheating to. “Look at us!”
“So that’s okay with you? To marry a nigga you know ain’t shit? It’s one thing to fuck wit somebody like that but to be with him for the rest of your life is stupid, Parade!”
“I’m here with you ain’t I?”
“And what’s that’s supposed to mean?”
“It means that I know you got somebody somewhere, Jay. So I’m ridin’ this shit out until the wheels fall off. I’m a big girl now so I won’t cry if you cut me off later. You hurt me enough for a lifetime.”
He sighed.
“I know niggas cheat and I’m not even entertaining that bullshit you just said about me. Yeah I got a few bitches I fuck from time to time, but I’d cut them all off the minute you stop playin’ house wit that punk ass nigga at home.” I looked at him and rolled my eyes. “Now I’m not tryin’ to argue with you. What I’m sayin’ is this,” he exhaled. “He talk about shit like you not even in the picture. Like marrying you was always a joke. Parade, I don’t think dude
ever
had any intentions on marryin’ you.”
“You just runnin’ your mouth.” I was growing irritated. I hated hearing what I already suspected. “He had me pick out a wedding gown and everything.”
“Play the tapes back in your head. Did he ever give you a date for the wedding?” I was silent as I thought about his question. And as much as I hated to admit it, Jay was right. He never gave me a date and I never asked for fear of making him angry. “You playin’ yaself!”
“You know what, Jay…fuck this shit!” I said as I exited his car. I walked quickly on the road ahead of me. Why couldn’t I fall for someone who loved me? Instead I fell for Smokes, a user, a murderer and a cheat. I wished Jay would’ve came back in my life before Smokes but after he realized how wrong he was for treating me badly back in the day.
“Parade,” Jay said running up behind me. The truck lights behind us shined bright. “Stop doin’ this bullshit. Stop fuckin’ runnin!”
I don’t know what it is. Every time things get emotional between me and Jay, I run away. I think it’s my way of preparing for the day he realizes he really doesn’t want me. I guess I want to be the one to end it first.
“Jay, please!” I tried pushing him off. “Just let me be!”
He stopped holding me against my will and said, “You know what, I’m sick of this shit. If you want to keep runnin’ away from me than do it. I’m not putting up with this shit no more. Anything I say to you, you turn around and I’m sick of it. All I was doing was trying to protect you. That’s it.”
I could tell in his voice I was about to lose him so I turned around.
“Jay…uh….I.”
“You ain’t gotta say nothin’ baby,” he told me looking in my eyes. “Just stop running away from me. And we ain’t got to talk about dude because I already know what type of time he’s on. But do this…when you go home tell him you want to marry him
now
and that you don’t care about having a wedding. I guarantee you that nigga gonna give you an excuse on why he can’t do it,” he continued as he grabbed my hand and walked me back to the car.
“Why do you think you know so much?” I asked sitting in my seat. He started up the ignition.
“Cause I know niggas and I know game. And you gotta always be thinkin’ two steps ahead.” I thought about what he said long and hard and I took his words to heart. “But tonight let’s not think about that shit. Cause you wit me.”
He was right. I was all his.