Bittersweet Hope (9 page)

Chapter Eleven

Caleb
drove us through winding roads toward the edge of town. The lights of Rocky Creek, what few there were anyway, were behind us now, and all around us there was darkness.

“How much farther is it?” I asked him, my hands restless in my lap. I nibbled on the inside of my cheek.

“We’ll be there in a few minutes.” He cast a sideways glance at me while trying to keep his eyes on the road. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Fine.” I lied. The truth was, the prospect of being around so many people in an unfamiliar place
made me nervous. I hadn’t felt so paranoid when we went to the other party. I couldn’t put my finger on what exactly was making my pulse speed up and my hands feel so clammy.

Finally, Caleb drove down a driveway that had to be about two miles long and parked next to a well-lit barn. We were in a huge field,
the barn the only structure around as far as I could see.

“I thought you said we were going to Parker’s Granddad’s house.” I said to Caleb when he walked around and helped me out of the truck.

“I said we were going to his place.” He corrected me. He waved his arms in a wide circle. “This is his land, and his barn. The house is up on a hill in that direction, but you can’t see it from here. And he can’t see us, and has no reason to come to the barn this late at night. It hasn’t had any real animals in it in years. He uses it now pretty much for storage.”

I just nodded and walked with him to the entrance. I saw plenty of the kids from the mall inside, drinking from red plastic cups. I had no idea what they were drinking, because I couldn’t find any bottles or kegs for the life of me. I guessed somebody must have a stash in their car somewhere.

Caleb and I walked toward the back. A loud noise behind me made me jump, and I turned to see a black mustang jolt to a stop outside of the barn, not far from Caleb’s truck. I gasped when Zach stepped out of it.

“Audrey?” Caleb eyed me curiously. “What’s wrong?”

My tongue felt like it had swollen so large that I couldn’t speak, and my upper lip was covered in sweat. He had come for me. I knew he had. There was no other reason for Zach to be here. I knew from hearing him talk at lunch a couple of times that he hated Thorne County kids, but I had no idea why.

“Audrey?” Caleb asked again, putting a hand on my shoulder.

“Can we please leave? I’m sorry, Caleb, but I need to get out of here.” I knew if Zach saw me, there would be trouble. If I could get out quickly before he noticed, maybe he wouldn’t start anything.

A confused look crossed Caleb’s handsome face for a millisecond before he nodded. He led me back toward the truck. I kept a look
out for Zach, who had walked around the barn.
Please please please.
I silently begged.
Let us get out of here before he sees me. Please.

Somebody must have been watching over me right then, because by some miracle we got in the truck and were heading up the driveway without any complications. Caleb
stayed silent, and I hoped he wasn’t mad that we had driven all the way out here just to turn around and go home.

“I’m sorry.” I murmured.

“Don’t worry about it.” He looked over at me, and even in the darkness I could tell his expression was soft.

I leaned back against
the seat and sighed.

Chapter Twelve

Sunday night, I sat up in bed and punched my pillow, but it still wouldn’t fluff the right way. I’d been trying for about a gazillion years to get comfortable so I could get some sleep, but it was like a vicious cycle—close my eyes, open them, close them, open them. Wash, rinse, repeat. There were too many thoughts dancing around in my head. Sadie. Caleb. Mama. Zach.             

The moonlight streaming through the blinds made pretty patterns on my quilt. I ran my fingertips over the beams of pale light, distracted for a second by them. They were so serene. They floated along endlessly, never faltering, never speeding up. Too bad life couldn’t be so calm. There was always something to mess it up, always something else to worry about.

Beads of sweat formed on my upper lip.
It’s as hot as the devil’s ass in here
. I knocked the covers off me and got up to switch the ceiling fan on. Turning to get back into bed, I stopped. Maybe if I got some fresh air I would feel better. Clear my head. Then it would be easier to fall asleep.

I peered out into the hallway. Anna’s door was open a tiny crack, and Caleb’s was closed. Surely he
couldn’t still be awake. A wave of self-consciousness poured over me, and my fingers tugged at my aqua and lime pajama set, making sure I was covered, even though it was just pants and a tank top. It felt super weird to think of Caleb seeing me in my pjs. Then again, he had seen me in a towel. What could be worse?

Tiptoeing out into the hallway, my hand ran over the smooth railing as I walked toward the stairs. The quiet magnified the sound of my heart thundering in my chest. Why did I feel so nervous?

I stopped in front of Anna’s door. Mounds of blanket swirled around her, moving up and down steadily as she breathed.

As my foot moved onto the top stair, I squinted, hoping they wouldn’t creak. When I let my weight rest on my foot, I let out a breath. In the kitchen, I automatically went toward the front door, but something made me stop and look toward the back of the house. Sitting by the pond for a minute could be calming. Water had that power—to be so serene and majestic that it could make even the loudest stampede of emotion fade away into a calming ripple.

Walking quietly and taking one last glance up the silent staircase, I turned the deadbolt on the back door and pulled it open. My heart raced as I pulled it closed and tried not to shut it all the way. With my luck I’d somehow get locked out.

A walk
way made up of grey stones led me to the pond. Moonlight washed over the water, making it sparkle like a giant black diamond. I noticed the dark form to the left of the pond—the swing set. The sounds of crickets chirping in unison surrounded me and sent a peaceful aura down onto my tense body.

The stones were smooth under my bare feet as I made my way to the foot of the water and sat down on the grass beside it. The soft light from the moon spilled over me. It seemed to heal me a tiny bit, thinking maybe Sadie and Sierra were looking at the same moon. We were apart but we were all under the same star sprinkled sky. They might even be missing me right now just like I missed them, just like I yearned to have them to talk to and lean on as I tried to figure all of these messes out. I felt like I was in a stress mirror maze, someone else’s reflection everywhere I turned.

Probably not, though. Sierra seemed pretty content with the Morton’s and Sadie had her new best friend Tori to keep her company. The idea of Tori made my head hurt. The kid was not good for Sadie to be around. It drove me bananas that I couldn’t do anything about it.

Trees rustled in the distance as the indigo water lapped at my feet, grief filling every part of me. Sure,
I really liked it here with Anna. But I probably felt more alone than either of my sisters did. I had been placed with a great family, but the knot that had formed in my stomach the moment Mrs. Anderson showed up still sat there. I wanted to belong to something, to someone, anyone. I had never belonged to anyone but my sisters. And now they were gone. I’d never been by myself. Sierra and Sadie had always been there, always needed me. The thought of them not needing me anymore made my insides feel hollow. I couldn’t be alone. Alone was terrifying. Alone was…lonely.

I bent my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them, lowering my head into the crook of my elbow. All of the tears from the last week and a half seemed to envelope me all at once, w
racking my body with grief. I couldn’t keep them at bay anymore. I gave in.

My shoulders shook with the entire force of the weight that had rested on them for so many years. There had never been any time to grieve my childhood, my mother’s lifestyle
, and the situations she pushed us into. I had school to keep up with, a job to go to, three mouths to feed. Her demons robbed me of some of the best times of my life and it just wasn’t fair. Seventeen meant being young and carefree and dating boys and making memories you could look back on. But not for me. For me seventeen meant wondering how we were going to live day to day. Maybe that was why I had been attracted to Zach. The danger of him, the allure of being rebellious…it had felt like I was finally living.

I tried to take a deep breath, to make it stop, but the only thing I succeeded in doing was making it worse. My breaths came in tiny gasps and my face
felt soaked and sticky, but the tears still fell.

The unexpec
ted feeling of a hand on my shoulder made me jump backwards. My left foot landed in the water, causing it to splash and ripple across the pond.

His face was half blocked because he stood in front of part of the moon, but the warmth radiating from his touch told me
it was Caleb. I looked away, rubbing my eyes and nose, begging my breathing to stay even. It sounded like I was hyperventilating.

He sat down next to me, bending his knees and propping his arms on them. He didn’t say a word, which was probably the worst thing he could do.

“What?” I finally asked between hiccups. I felt sort of mean, but I wasn’t exactly thrilled with my alone time being interrupted.

It took a minute for him to answer. “I heard the door open, so I came downstairs.” He paused. “I saw you sitting here, and I don’t know, it seemed like you might be upset.”

“Oh.” Who even knew he would care. He’d been pretty friendly to me, but I thought that was more to appease Anna.

He sucked in one side of his bottom lip and started nibbling at it. A habit I knew all too well.

“I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“I’m fine.” I stared at him, sitting there soaked in the illuminating yellow glare of the moon. He
wore just a t-shirt and boxer shorts. My chest tightened. Were my lungs working? It sure didn’t feel like it.

“Uh-huh. You sure look like it.” He said, nodding slowly.

I let out a snort. Great. How attractive. “Gee. Thanks.”

He exhaled and put his hands in the air. “Okay. So I guess I’ll just leave then.”

He looked at me, his strong jaw set in a line. I…didn’t want him to leave. I wanted him to stay, to sit with me while I cried. I hated crying in front of people. But somehow, with Caleb, it didn’t seem so bad.

I hesitated. “No, don’t leave. Sorry.” What else could I say?

“You sure?” His eyes flashed toward me, mesmerizing me again, just like always. They held me. I couldn’t break away.

“Yeah. I think so.”

He didn’t say anything else and I looked out at the water. There were bubbles forming to one side of the pond, so small you could barely see them. If the moon hadn’t been shining right there on the water, I probably wouldn’t even have noticed.

Caleb must have seen me looking. “That’s where the catfish are.”

“Yeah. Anna told me they were out here.”

After a while of staring at the water, the silence was deafening in my ears. I had wanted him to stay with me…but now I couldn’t find the words to say to him. Maybe I should have just let him leave, instead of sitting here in silence together for half an hour.

“Okay, well, um. I guess I’m going to go back to bed. Thanks for…sitting with me.”

I didn’t have a chance to move
before Caleb grabbed my wrist. Sparks spread up my arm and down into the very core of my body. Desire and defiance clashed inside of me. I didn’t want to like him, didn’t want to add any more stress to my life. But when he touched me…it was so hard to keep myself from completely melting inside.

“Wait. Why were you crying?” He looked up at me. The moon had shifted, and I could see him much better. His eyebrows were knitted together, his head cocked toward the sky.

I turned my face in the direction of the house, ready to pull away from him and go inside. A little voice inside my head made me stop. I was all alone. There were no friends for me to talk to, nobody’s shoulder for me to cry on. Maybe Caleb could be that person if I didn’t push him away.

Hesitation stalled me, but I sat back down beside him, a little closer than I’d meant to. His hand drifted from my arm, settling on the ground right beside my leg, clad only in the thin fabric of my pajama pants. Heat still radiated between us, and the lightning bugs were playing baseball in my stomach. It felt like a homerun.

“I was…lonely.” No point in holding it in.

“Oh.” He looked out at the water. “Sorry.”

“Don’t feel bad. It isn’t your fault.” I sighed. “I have two sisters. They seem to be okay with their foster homes. They don’t seem to need me. They’ve always needed me.” I shrugged, expecting my eyes to start burning, but they stayed dry. My heart felt almost hallow now.

“Maybe they’re just trying to make the best of things?”

“Maybe.” I dipped my toes into the water and squished the sand between them.

“Well, you’ve been trying to do that too, right? I mean, you’ve seemed pretty okay here. You’ve been smiling some.”

My head snapped up. “Oh, I don’t dislike it here.” I bit my lip. Somehow I’d talked myself into a corner. “I like Anna, she’s fantastic. I’m not miserable or anything—it’s hard to explain.”

He snorted. “You like my mother. Not me? I thought we were getting along pretty okay.” Caleb shook his head.

I groaned, looking at him. “Why are you making this difficult?” I demanded.

“I’m not.” He said, laughing.

“Yes you are! I don’t not like you.” I raised my eyebrows as I looked him in the eye.

“So you DO like me.” Caleb stretched out beside me, his toned legs skimming the top of the water, his head propped on his elbow.

I looked down. Was he FLIRTING with me? Hmph. Being pushed in the water might teach him a lesson. I opened my mouth to speak but my tongue felt thick and dry so I cleared my throat and tried to swallow.

“You’re being such a smartass.” Honesty is the best policy, right?

Caleb’s mouth dropped open. “Really? I thought I was being nice.”

“You think coming out here and making me feel like I’m completely wrong about everything is nice? You need a lesson in manners. Say, how did a great woman like Anna have a kid like you anyway?”

Whoa. My insides were on fire. I didn’t even know what I was mad at. It just kind of felt easier that sharing everything with Caleb. It was all going too fast. I stood and wiped my hands on my pants, ready to bolt.

Caleb scrambled to get up. A more awkward person would have tripped over those lanky legs of his. “I wasn’t trying to make you feel wrong. I’m just saying…you’re making the best of things here, and you like Mom, at least. It’s not the most horrible place to be. Maybe your sisters are doing the same thing. Maybe if they’re upset or something they don’t want you to know, because they don’t want you to feel worse than you already do. That’s possible, right?”

I stared. Would Sierra and Sadie keep it from me if they didn’t like their foster families? Sierra…probably not. But Sadie, for sure. She would want to think she could take care of it all by herself. Maybe she didn’t even really like Tori, she was just playing along to keep everything cool.

I threw the back of my hand into Caleb’s shoulder. “Thanks a lot! Now you’ve got me thinking my baby sister is living in hell and just won’t tell me about it.”

I wanted to sound angry, but instead my words sounded flustered. I turned to run into the house, but Caleb grabbed my wrist again, this time more firmly. He spun me around and into his strong chest, wrapping his powerful arms around me and cradling me against him. Surprise, as much as pain, kept me there.

“I just can’t say the right thing, can I?” His voice poured over me like honey, warm, thick
, and sweet.

I shuddered against him, trying to force myself to calm down. On the other hand,
I hadn’t felt so warm and safe in years. Probably my entire life. No part of me wanted to leave the cocoon of Caleb’s hold.

“I’m sure they’re fine, Audrey. Of course they would tell you if they weren’t. I don’t know what I’m talking about, why would you listen to me?” He pulled back and looked down into my face. I wished I could turn away. My blotchy, crimson stained cheeks couldn’t have been flattering.

After several deep breaths, I relaxed my body into his. “Yes. They’re fine.”

“They’re fine.” I repeated to myself in a whisper, closing my eyes. “They have to be.” When I opened my eyes, Caleb
still stared at me. My heart skipped and my chest heaved up and down. I tried to calm myself, but I couldn’t think. My head felt way too light.