Bill The Vampire - 01 (24 page)

“Behold, lowly mortal! Nothing up my sleeve.”

“Yeah, yeah, get on with it.”

“Showmanship is such a dead art,” I complained. That being said, I pulled back one of the curtains and put my exposed hand in front of the window. As a beam of sunlight fell upon it, it started smoking (
AND
HURTING!
), then ignited with a whoosh of air and a smell not unlike that of cooked bacon (
at least I smell delicious
).

“That is so freaking coo...” Dave started to say when I cut him off.

“GIVE ME THE FUCKING TOWEL!” I screamed.

“Oh, yeah, sorry.” He tossed it to me and I immediately used it to douse my hand. I don't care if I live to be a thousand, I am very doubtful that being on fire is a feeling I'm ever going to get used to.

Dave sat down and was quiet for a moment, which was fine because I was too busy hurting to hear him. Finally, the pain started to subside (
thank you, vampire healing factor
) and I sat down opposite him, still cradling my crispy appendage.

“So?” I queried.

“Okay. I believe you. I must be going fucking mental, but damn if I don't believe you.”

“Good. Because I'm not planning on a repeat performance,” I flatly stated.

“This is just so freaking amazing,” he started, getting all excited again.

“Yeah, it's fascinating, I'm sure. So, will you help me out?”

“Dude,” he suddenly got in my face. “I think we can help each other out!”

“Okay,” I said, somewhat dubious as to his motives. “The note?”

“Oh, that? No problem. I'll write up that you've contracted an acute case of solar urticaria. That should do it.”

“And that is?”

“It's a form of photosensitivity,” he explained. “Means you break out in a nasty rash from the sun.”

“Ah. Hide the lie inside of a bit of truth,” I said, following him.

“Exactly. Give that to HR. They'll have to accommodate you. Otherwise you could potentially sue the shit out of them.”

A disturbing thought occurred to me. “What if they want a second opinion?”

“Then you're hosed. Actually,
we're
hosed. But let's not worry about that. Accommodating you is going to be cheaper for them than hiring a specialist since you're mostly remote, already. I'd be willing to bet they just shrug their shoulders and deal with it. When in doubt, always count on a company to play it cheap. Wouldn't be the first time I've seen it happen.”

“You've done this before?”

“People seem to forget that residents get paid shit. If I want to be able to afford to live, I have to either get creative with my skill-set, or get a part time job at Blockbuster. Would you want to rent a movie from the same guy who was sewing your intestines back into your body just a few hours ago?”

“Not really,” I truthfully answered.

“Me neither, and let's just leave it at that.”

“Okay. Anyway, that all sounds like a plan to me. Thanks for...” I started to say.

“And in return for my help,” he cut me off, “and sticking my ass out for you, you'll be a part of my research.”

I wasn't expecting that. “What?”

“You heard me.”

“Dude, I'm not being your lab rat!”

“Don't be such a melodramatic pussy. I'm talking a few blood and tissue samples here and there,” he explained, still sounding a bit too manic for my liking.

“What for?”

“I've been doing some thinking the last couple of months. I've decided that once I'm done with my residency, I'm going into pure research.”

“Why?”

“I pretty much hate all of my patients,” he said. “They're assholes, and since people in general are assholes, I doubt it's going to get much better. I'd prefer my days to be asshole free, thank you very much.”

“I can understand the desire.”

Dave continued, “The problem with research is it's mostly a tiring, thankless job. For every person who discovers something like Viagra, there are a thousand researchers who will never so much as wind up with a new headache medicine to their credit. I am not a big fan of a career spent in obscurity, thus I've been wracking my brain trying to come up with an edge. And voila, suddenly you show up on my doorstep. If that isn't divine inspiration, I don't know what is. You, my friend, are going to be my ace in the hole.”

“Define
ace in the hole
.”

“Immortality, superhuman abilities, regeneration,” he said, motioning to my hand, which was already rapidly recovering from its toasting. “It's
all
locked away inside you. If I could unlock even a fraction of that potential, I'd be swimming in Nobel Prize groupies.”

“Seems like a lot for just one little work excuse,” I pointed out.

“This could benefit you too, you know. What if I could figure out how to enhance your abilities or, better yet, what if I came across what caused vampires to flame-on under the sun and could somehow block it?”

I thought about it for a few minutes. Sure, his motives weren't exactly altruistic, but he had a point. Maybe some good could come out of it, but we'd need to be really careful. 

“Okay, you’ve got my attention. But only on the condition that people can't know about vampires. I'm pretty sure that would bring a world of hurt down on
both
of us. Believe me when I say there are some seriously scary players in this game. They would not be happy.”

“Of course not! Don't be stupid,” he said dismissively. “Besides which, I discover a way to prolong life, and I'm a fucking god. I tell people it's because I'm experimenting on vampire blood, and suddenly I'd find myself locked in a mental ward. Trust me, you would definitely be my silent partner...
very silent
.”

“Good. Then I'll agree there
might
be some potential here.”

“I'll throw in an experience bonus for your character going forward,” he said, sweetening the pot.

“Deal!” I said. Damn, I'm a cheap date.

“Coolness. Although, we should probably keep this a secret between us.”

“The vampire thing, or the XP bonus?”

“More of the latter, I'd say.”

It was nice to be able to enjoy an afternoon of gaming. It was something I had started taking for granted, but after the last couple of weeks, it was like a glorious vacation from reality... minus the cost (
or the exotic locale, open bar, and hot bikini babes... just trying to keep things in perspective, here
). By the time the game broke up, a storm had moved in. I could deal with being waterlogged, as it also meant I could move about freely without fear of turning into a walking tiki torch.

Dave had written me up a doctor's note and had also typed out a pretty official looking preliminary diagnosis on some hospital letterhead. He gave me instructions to first talk to my boss and let him direct me to HR, that way he wouldn't get his panties in a bunch that I'd gone over his head and would thus be less likely to cause a stink. Sounded like good advice. My boss, Jim, was typical middle management in that he wasn't above a little old fashioned brown nosing. Since he saw me in person, at most, maybe a few times a month, I was fairly confident that a little ego gratification would be all I needed to grease the wheels and get this approved.

I arrived home a couple of hours later, a little damp (
a vampire with an umbrella just doesn't sound cool
), but none the worse for the experience. I opened the door and stopped dead in my tracks. Tom and Ed's remains were splayed out on the living room floor. Blood was everywhere. They had been slaughtered like cattle.

* * *

Just kidding! Had you there for a second, though, didn't I?

Ed was walking out of the kitchen, a cup of ramen in hand, as I walked in the door.

“S'up, Nosferatu?” he asked casually. Great! Now the vampire nicknames were starting. If I knew Ed, he now had a whole list of IMDB derived names to call me by. Best to ignore him and hope he went away.

I followed him into the living room, where Tom sat. “Ah, the prodigal prince of darkness returns,” he quipped.  “I see you made it back in one piece.”

“It was touch and go there for a bit,” I confirmed, “but, yep, no worse for the wear. You guys do anything good this weekend?”

“I took a road trip yesterday,” Ed said.

“Forget us,” Tom interrupted. “What happened with you?”

“Please tell me you tapped that sweet piece of ass that picked you up on Friday,” Ed commented.

To that I answered in the only way that I could. “Of course! Taught her some new names for God by the time I was done.”

“You're so full of shit!” Ed said with a smile.

“Maybe,” I admitted. “But I've got all of eternity to wear her down. Eventually she won't be able to help herself.”

“Yeah, I'm sure Hell has to freeze over sometime,” Tom quipped. “Although speaking of help, I found your note.”

“Good. Fortunately you didn't need to follow my instructions,” I said.

“Yeah about that... what the fuck, dude?” Tom continued.

“What?” I asked.

At which point, Tom pulled out the note and proceeded to read it aloud.

Tom, Ed,

If I am not back by Sunday night, 9 pm. Send help!

Bill

“That's it!? Those are your instructions?
Send help!
?”

“I was in a rush. I'm sure you'd have thought of something,” I replied.

“Asshole,” Ed opined.

“Fine, maybe it wasn't the most well thought out plan,” I acknowledged. “So, do you guys want to hear about what went down this weekend, or not?”

* * *

I gave them the rundown on my meeting with James and the whole freewill situation. My roommates thought it hilarious that I was now this legendary creature of dread amongst the vampires. Lots of love there, I tell you. I then brought them up to speed on the whole faith thing and how it worked with Tom's Prime doll. Tom was ecstatic at the news. I then turned to Ed,