Bill The Vampire - 01 (23 page)

“Right now, I'm Dr. Tired. I chased everyone out so I could catch some sleep. If there are no other surprises, I kinda need to be somewhere early tomorrow.”

She thought about it for a second and then said, “Okay. You've probably earned it. I think we've spread enough chaos and disinformation for one weekend.”

“Thanks.” I stifled a yawn. “Well, I'm gonna crash. What are you going to do?”

“I was thinking maybe we could... I don't know... maybe crash together,” she suddenly purred.

My eyes immediately went wide as my mind filled with the possibilities.

And just as immediately emptied, as she yelled, “Psych!” and giggled. Bitch! “Sorry, stud. But I'm going out to enjoy the rest of the night. If I run into anybody, I'll just tell them how I barely escaped your ravenous clutches.”

“That works, I guess,” I commented, somewhat deflated. “Need me to rough you up a bit to make it realistic? I kind of owe you one, anyway,” I said remembering how she had clawed me earlier.

“Maybe next time,” she tittered as she went off to get dressed.

* * *

I found myself, shortly before sunrise, on a bus headed toward Newark, New Jersey. I had gotten just enough sleep to feel somewhat less dead, when my phone alarm woke me. I dressed for a day out. Being
very
allergic to the sun, that consisted of a hoodie, gloves, a scarf, and sunglasses. The weather was still cool enough so that the outfit wouldn't look too bizarre, but, nevertheless, I still looked like some pseudo uni-bomber-type weirdo. The weather was forecast to be partially sunny early on and then cloudy with a good chance of rain. So, assuming the weatherman was correct (
a big assumption
), I figured I’d be okay for the trip home later. Regardless of how the weather turned out, though, I'd rather be over-dressed than over-cooked.

I reached my stop and then hiked a few blocks to my destination. Upon reaching the apartment complex, I walked over to the correct unit and rang the bell. I waited a few minutes, and there was still no response. Not too surprising, considering it was only slightly past six a.m. So, I did the charitable thing -  charitable for myself, that is: I leaned on the bell until I heard the door unlock from the other side. The face that greeted me was not a happy one.

“What the fuck do you want?” it angrily asked me.

Oh, yeah. I still had the scarf and sunglasses on. I probably looked like an overly polite home invader. I quickly swept them off to reveal my countenance.

“What's up, Dr. Dave?” I cheerfully greeted my dungeon master.

“Bill?” he drowsily asked

“Yep.”

“I repeat the question, what the fuck do you want?”

“I'm here for the game,” I said innocently enough.

“The game isn't for another... what time is it anyway?”

“Almost 6:30.”

“I'm going to shut the door now...” he threatened

“Wait! I know I'm a
little
early,” I pleaded as the door began to close, “But it's important!” The door stopped. “I kinda need your help. Seriously. I wouldn't be bothering you like this otherwise. You know that.”

“If you're fucking with me, your character is going to be in a world of hurt. You know that, right?” he threatened from the half-closed door.

“Trust me. If you don't find this interesting, then be my guest. You can line up the elder gods to take turns corn-holing Kelvin, and I'll sit there and take it, smiling.”

That assurance seemed to satisfy him, oddly enough. He sighed and stepped aside to let me in. “I guess I'm already awake, anyway,” he grumbled.

We went into his apartment and he locked the door. After ascertaining that what I had to say was important, but not life or death important (
at least not anymore
), he excused himself to grab a quick shower and maybe a
Red Bull
or five to wake up. As I waited for him, I checked to make sure most of the blinds were drawn, although there wasn't much to worry about in that case. On the best of days, Dave typically kept his apartment illuminated in a manner similar to a cave. His job kept him from seeing any form of natural light for most of the week, and I guess he figured there was little use in seeing it for the short time he spent at his home awake.

About twenty minutes later, he returned looking much fresher, if not entirely happier. He immediately started taking game manuals down from his bookshelf.

“Since you're here, you can tell me what's going on while you help me set up. Maybe afterward we can go out and grab something to eat before the others arrive,” he casually said.

“No problem on the first, although I might have to decline the second. I really can't go out.”

“Can't?” he asked.

“Can't,” I assured.

“I'm not going to get a visit from any cops looking for you, am I?” he jokingly asked.

“Probably not,” I answered, only half joking.

“Good to know. I'd rat you out in second, anyway. Grab the chairs from the kitchen and bring them out, okay?”

I did as instructed and then decided to dive right in. “So, basically, I need you to write me a doctor's note.” Did I say dive right in? Maybe dip in a toe and test the waters, was more like it.

He stopped what he was doing and looked at me. “A doctor's note?”

“Yeah, you know, those things that people like you write for your patients.”

“Is someone beating you up on the playground again and you want to skip gym class?” he quipped as he went back to setting things up.

“Not quite. I need an excuse to not have to go into work.”

“Laziness isn't a disease,” he stated.

“Not like that!” I protested. “I need an excuse so that they let me work remotely on a permanent basis.”

“Dude, it's like what, maybe
one
train to get to your office.”

I shook my head. “You're not getting it. I
can’t
go into the office during the day.”

“Okay, I'm listening. Why are you suddenly allergic to work?”

“It's not work that I'm allergic to. I had a bit of an accident the other week,” I started to confess. “It's why I missed the game.”

He gave me a quick once over as I set up the game table. “You look fine to me.”

“Yeah, well, if you examined me you wouldn't think I was fine.”

“What would I think?” he asked, deadpan.

“You'd think I was dead,” I answered in the same tone.

He laughed. “And I suppose somebody cast resurrection on you.”

“I'm not joking.” I took a breath... here we go again. “Last week, I was bitten by... a vampire. I died and came back to life as one of them.” He once again stopped what he was doing and began to open his mouth, but I cut him off before he said anything. “And, yes, I already know how stupid, crazy, and pathetic it sounds. And, no, this isn't some stupid joke me and the rest of the party came up with to mess with you. And it's certainly not some delusional drug trip because I stayed up all night doing bong hits while watching
Twilight
. This is real.”

“Why would you take hits during
Twilight
?”

“Oh. Ed and I were playing a game, take a puff every time Robert Pattinson said something fruity sounding. We were completely wrecked by the end of it.”

“I bet,” said Dave. “But let's get back to this vampire bullshit.”

“It's not bullshit. Here,” I held out my arm, “look for a pulse!”

He gave me a dubious glance, but did as asked. He felt for it, shifted his grip a few times, and gave me a puzzled look. He then reached over and felt for a pulse on my neck, I guess just in case I was doing something to cut off circulation to my arm.

“Just let me know when you're finished feeling me up,” I said.

He pulled his hand away and hesitated for a second or two. “Okay, that's a little... odd.”

“You
do
know how to check these things, right?”

He gave me a withering glare in return. “Wait right here,” he said and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a stethoscope. “Take off your shirt,” he commanded.

“Should I also take off my pants and cough?” I cracked wise.

“You're getting real close to an agonizing and embarrassing death for your character,” he warned. Some people just have no sense of humor. I did as told and he spent the next minute or so searching for a heartbeat. When he pulled back, the look on his face said he was completely perplexed.

“Let me guess... he's dead, Jim. Right?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

He just kinda shrugged in return. “There's definitely
something
going on in there... I just can't call it a heartbeat.”

“Well, while you're contemplating whether to break out your zombie survival kit, chew on this,” I said, opening my mouth and extended my fangs for him (
I had been practicing
).

He was starting to get a bit of a far away look in his eyes. “If you
are
fucking with me, I gotta admit I'm pretty flattered at the effort.”

“Sorry. No such luck.”

“So... can you do anything else?” he asked.

I frowned. “There's this eyes going black thing I've seen. I'm still working on that one, though. I’m still pretty new to this.”

“The vampire's apprentice?”

“Not quite,” I continued. “Let's see... I'm stronger than I was before. Oh, and then there's that whole sunlight thing.”

That seemed to perk him up a bit. “That really happens?”

“Yes. Why do you think I need a note?”

“Show me.” He seemed to be growing excited at the prospect.

“No.”

“Show me!” he insisted.

“It hurts like a motherfucker!” I complained.

“You want me to write a doctor's note, you show me,” he finally said. Fuck, I was afraid it would come to this.

“Okay,” I sighed, “Just do me a favor and grab a wet towel or something first.”

He did so while I rolled up one of my sleeves. I glanced out the window. It was definitely starting to cloud up, but there was still some sun shining through. I'm sure it would be more than enough. Damn, I had really been hoping to avoid this. Next life, I'm going to make it a point to find friends who are heavier on the trusting and lighter on the sadism. When Dave returned, I turned to him dramatically.