Bill The Vampire - 01 (10 page)

“Don't start playing dumb now. Yes, kill.”

“Can't we eat without killing someone?”

“Of course.”

“Then why do I...”

“Because it's something that you'll have to do at some point. There will be times when there's no bottled blood around and no farm animals to drink from.”

“Eh, what about dogs, or maybe rats?” I asked.

She sighed as if I were a complete moron. “Ever try sinking your teeth into the neck of an angry German Shepherd? They tend not to be too accommodating. And rats... ewwww! Fucking things are usually covered in fleas and shit. As for the killing part, there's the problem of turning your victims. That's a no-no. Problem is, it usually takes new vampires a couple of years before they get the hang of eating without also infecting their food. If you leave them alive and they turn, well, then you'd better either have an open spot in a coven for them, or stake them quickly.”

“Or?”

“Or it's your ass!”

“So that means...”

“You either drink them dry, or kill them when you're done,” and with that, she unlocked the door and held it open for me. “Dinner is served. Bon appetite!”

I walked into a good sized chamber, followed by Sally, who then closed the door behind us. Oddly enough, it looked like it better belonged in a hospital (
an old one, at least
) than a sewer. The place was well lit and about the size of a living room. The floor sloped slightly downward to the center, where there was a large French drain. The walls themselves were lined with what looked like several industrial-sized refrigerators. And that was about it... oh with maybe the exception of the large table off to one side on which a fat, naked dude was chained and gagged. Y'know, just in case that's one of those details you might tend to notice.

Standing next to him was one of the babes from last night, Starlight, I believe. She looked me up and down as I entered. It might have been my imagination, but I sensed a bit of hesitation in her for a moment or two. However, when she finally spoke, there was no hint of it.

“The
doctor
is in the house! It's about time. Thought you were going to sleep all day,” she said in a saucy little voice.

“Sorry. I had a little issue with someone's fist in my face. Starlight, right?”

She seemed slightly embarrassed by that. “Alice.”

“Bill,” I answered in return.

“Well, Bill, this sumptuous feast is all for you,” she gestured toward the fat, naked, and sweaty...
definitely
sweaty… dude. “He was supposed to be Ronda's date, but he showed up late. Poor girl didn't get any points from Jeff (
oh yeah, poor girl
). But oh, well, no point in letting him go to waste.”

“Okay, well thanks... I guess.” I slowly walked around the table, looking over the unappetizing morsel before me. I felt bad for the guy and wished I could help, but I was still slightly more concerned about my own well being. Unfortunately, I didn't see anyway I was going to get us both out of here alive (
especially with the sun still shining. I still didn't have any real proof of what would happen to me, but I've seen enough movies to know that it probably wouldn't be the smartest thing for me to just run out and enjoy the sunshine
). Sorry, dude, but I'll have to find some other way to even out my karma. I stopped circling and asked,

“So, what exactly am I supposed to do?”

Sally walked over next to Starlight and gave me another eye roll. Her look said that she wasn't exactly in awe of my presence.

“You find an artery or a vein, and then you dig in,” Sally said. “The throat is always a good place to start. If they haven't already, your fangs should protrude automatically once you bite down. It's that simple.”

Upon seeing that, I still wasn't making a move.

Starlight cooed to Sally, “You really need to learn to be nicer to the virgins (
virgins!? Starting to feel insulted here
). Here, Bill, let me help you out a bit.” She walked over to the guy and nicked the side of his neck with one of her fingernails. A thin stream of blood started to flow.

“Now, just close your eyes and smell the blood. Take a few deep breaths of it and let instinct take over.”

Okay. Close my eyes. Take a whiff through my nose. Oh, this is stupid... wait. Holy crap! I
could
smell it, and it smelled
good
. Damn good! It's hard to explain, but, as the scent of it drifted in, I could feel myself salivating. I could also feel my canines elongating. Weird feeling, by the way. I guess at some point while I was
asleep
, they retracted. I'll have to practice that, but not right now. Now I wanted to... no, I
needed
to… eat.

I bent over the guy, eyes still closed, letting my senses guide me, and bit into where Starlight had opened the wound. Oh my god! Think of the best plate of nachos you've ever eaten, the tastiest margarita you've ever chugged, the best apple pie you've ever enjoyed... yeah this was all those combined. I had no idea how hungry I had been until I bit down and swallowed that first taste. It was utterly all consuming, and I wanted to lose myself in it.

That was a mistake.

I tried to open up all my senses as I gorged myself. I tasted, I drank, I smelled... this guy's fucking B.O.! This close up, even the glorious scent of the blood couldn't compete with the inglorious scent of this guy. Christ, did no one ever teach this dude about deodorant? That started to pull me back from the bliss I had initially experienced. What ended it was when I opened my eyes and reality came crashing in like a hammer. Was I really sucking on the throat of a fat, naked... and did I mention
sweaty
, guy?

Suddenly the blood didn't taste nearly as good. In fact, I kind of wanted a drink of something stronger to wash it out of my mouth. I immediately pulled away and started backing up across the room.

“Problem?” Sally asked.

“I'm sorry. I just can't do this.”

“You've got to be kidding me! What are you, a fucking vegan?”

“Aw, I think it's kinda cute,” Starlight cooed. “He can't bring himself to kill someone. That's almost sweet,” she said, completely misinterpreting my actions. While Sally seemed to be pretty much on the ball, this one so far hadn't given me the impression that she was firing on all cylinders.

“Somehow, I doubt Jeff will think it's sweet,” said Sally. “But I guess him liking you even less isn't really going to matter much at the end of the day. You'd have been better off joining one of those hippie covens up north. Still, I guess I can't let you starve. For the next eighty-nine days or so, you're still our problem.” Oh, yeah, I was feeling the love. Sally walked over to one of the fridges, opened it, and pulled out two liters of what I assumed was blood. I wonder how many donors would be pissed to know they were doing little more than stocking some vampire's pantry. More than a few, I'd bet. Of course, this assumed the blood was from
willing
donors.

Anyway, she tossed me the bags of blood. “Here. These will get you through the day. Take them and go back upstairs. The door's unlocked. Oh, and maybe clean yourself up a little bit. You look kinda gross.” With that said, both her and Starlight turned back to the fat naked dude, who appeared to be rapidly bleeding out, and... began undressing?

“What are you doing?” I asked as they both stripped down to their underwear.

I was sort of hoping the answer was going to involve making out with each other and then asking me to join in, but no such luck.

“We're going to finish your leftovers, obviously,” Starlight answered.

“And you need to be undressed, why?”

“This is a seventy dollar blouse. Blood stains are a bitch to remove.”

“Now get the fuck out of here,” Sally cut in. “This isn't a peep show,” and with that, she kicked me out and shut the door in my face.

I did as I was told, mostly because I didn't appear to have many other options with the sun still shining. I went back to the third floor and let myself in. I tossed the blood packs onto the table, my appetite temporarily quashed, due to being unable to vanquish thoughts of mouthfuls of ugly man flesh. So, instead, I decided to take Sally's advice and wash up a bit.

I found the bathroom and checked myself out in the mirror. Goddamn! Gross wasn't the word for how I looked. Ignoring for a second that I was covered in fresh blood, I had completely forgotten that I was still in the outfit I had been killed in. I looked like a bus had run me over and then dragged me through the dirt for a mile or two. I doubted I smelled much better. I was beginning to wonder how much of downstairs was naked dude stink, and how much was me. In fact...

Wait a second!

I could see myself in the mirror! Guess that's another one of those things Hollywood fucked up on. Well, that's convenient. I would hate to go through eternity not being able to tell if I was having a bad hair day. Guys like me have a hard enough time as it is.

Hold on a second... what's that on my forehead? Didn't notice it before, what with all the blood. Was that a... son of a bitch! Someone drew a dick on my face! ARGH!!

* * *

I stripped and filled the sink with hot soapy water. Starlight had a point about bloodstains, but maybe I could soak some of it out. I dunked my clothes in (
being sure to retrieve my emergency twenty first
) and climbed into the shower until I felt reasonably non-disgusting. Believe me, that took a while.

By the time I was done, I felt human again... or as close to human as I was going to be getting any time soon. I was just toweling off when I heard the front door open, followed quickly by a knock on the bathroom door.

“You in there, Bill?” asked Sally from the other side.

Feeling renewed after my long shower, I decided to try my luck, no matter how much of a long shot it might be. I pushed away the thought that her breath most likely smelled of naked, fat, sweaty dude at the moment, and replied,

“Why don't you come in here and find out?”

“Keep trying, stud. Maybe in another century or two that'll work,” came her snide remark (
but hey, that wasn't an outright no, now was it?
). “Put on a towel or something and open the door.”

I did as requested. When I popped open the door, she tossed me a large bundle of clothes and just as quickly closed it again.

“Something there should fit you,” she said.

I picked through the clothes. There were several outfits in all. Nothing was perfect, but I managed to find a pair of pants and a shirt that would do.

“Where'd this stuff come from?” I asked through the door.

“You probably don't want to know,” was all the answer I got. My thoughts flashed back to the naked guy, probably now a naked corpse, downstairs. I doubted he was the first, or would be the last, meal hosted there. Sally was probably right, I didn't want to know. Sometimes ignorance is truly bliss.