Bill The Vampire - 01 (7 page)

More hands dragged me back to my feet. “This time, hold him!” growled Jeff as he raised the stake in front of me. The fall and the punch had taken the fight out of me. I saw there was no way I was going to break free in time to avoid becoming ashtray remnants. I thus did the only thing I could think of... I closed my eyes and hoped it wouldn't hurt much.

“Wait!” a voice from above suddenly cried out. When no feeling of being impaled came, I chanced opening my eyes a bit. Jeff was standing there, frozen in place, a vein throbbing in his forehead (
how did he do that with no heartbeat?
). He slowly lowered the stake and looked up. I lifted my head to follow his, and saw LL Bean leaning out the window.

“What!?” Jeff shouted to him.

“Bring him up,” answered my well groomed benefactor.

“This is none of your concern, Ozymandias!”

“I'm making it my concern. Now, do as I say, and bring him up!”

I had no idea what was going on, but in this pissing contest, the guy called Ozymandias apparently had the bigger dick, because Jeff backed down, following the exchange. He lowered the stake and addressed the two thugs holding me.

“Take him back up.” He then glared at me. “Not over,” he whispered in a barely audible voice.

Okay, so I was batting about five-hundred here. I wasn't a pile of dust, but then again, I was far from free. Still, any reprieve from the reaper was a welcome one, and also meant that another opportunity to escape might present itself.

The goons dragged me, none too gently either, through a back door and up the stairs. I'm not exactly a svelte fellow to begin with, and I wasn't exactly being super helpful toward their effort, nevertheless, I seemed to inconvenience them little more than a bag of groceries might. We quickly made it back to the loft where I was dragged to the center of the apartment and tossed unceremoniously back onto the floor.

I looked up to find LL Bean/Ozymandias standing over me with the same bemused grin as he had just before I did my best impression of Greg Louganis diving onto solid concrete. Jeff came charging in the door a few moments later, looking slightly less than bemused. Oddly enough, despite the fact that my opinion of his douchebaggyness was growing by the minute, I found my mood closer to matching his. I was finding it hard to enjoy even my momentary reprieve, since I had no freaking clue what Ozymandias' game was. He might be saving my ass, or, for all I knew, he just wanted to kill me, himself, for no other reason than to tick Jeff off (
it was rapidly becoming obvious that Jeff's annoyance was his amusement
).

I got back to my feet just as Jeff got into Ozymandias' face. “What's your game? I gave you a chance earlier to take your pick. You declined! That means you let us
finish
the ceremony by our rules.”

In this, at least Ozymandias and I were of the same mind, as we both blurted out simultaneously, “Ceremony?”

Despite our mutual answer, Jeff ignored me and addressed only Ozymandias, “You know what I mean! We bring them, bite them, judge them, then dust them. Those are the rules I created for this. Don't forget, this is
my
coven!”

I should know better in situations like these (
not that I've been in too many like this
) and just keep my mouth shut, but I don't, so I interrupted Jeff.

“’Scuse me, but aren't covens for witches?” Jeff gave me a look that said he wanted to punt me into next week, but Ozymandias just kept grinning and answered in a casual tone as if we were discussing the weather.

“Who do you think they stole the idea from?”

Jeff ignored this exchange and continued as if I hadn't spoken. “You seem to forget where you are. I rule this coven!”

Ozymandias suddenly lost his casual tone and the temperature in the room seemed to drop a dozen degrees. “And
you
forget
your
place. You rule this one little coven. I oversee
all
the covens for this region. You're under my jurisdiction.”

“You've never pulled rank before,” Jeff sputtered, having apparently been put firmly in his place. You go girl... err dude... vampire, or whatever.

“First time for everything.”

“I'll file a complaint with the Draculas!” (
Draculas!?
)

“Go right ahead,” Ozymandias continued with the same icy tone, “I represent the Draculas in the Northeast. Your complaint will just wind up on my desk. It's safe to say that investigating it probably won't be at the top of my priority list.”

Okay, did you follow any of that? Because I sure as shit didn't. But I'm guessing that the guy who doesn't want me immediately dead is higher on the food chain than the guy who does wants me immediately dead. So far, that seems like a good thing.

Anyway, back to the two guys who were debating whether I'd live through the night or wind up looking like something that was dumped out of an ashtray. The whole exchange seemed to deflate Jeff's sails a bit. He took a breath and composed himself, at least as well as a self-absorbed dickhead can compose himself.

“Fine. What is it you want?” he asked Ozymandias.

“That's better,” answered Ozymandias, returning to his former casual tone. “What I'm decreeing is simple enough. I'm putting this fellow under my protection.”

Cool! I must've impressed him with my badass escape attempt.

“Why would you do that?” Jeff asked.

“Because I find him amusing,” Ozymandias replied. “That's a rare thing around your bunch.”

Okay, so maybe
impress
wasn't quite the right word.

“Oh, and Jeff...” at this, Jeff's face reddened considerably. “Sorry, I meant
Night Razor,
forgive my rudeness. I'm also decreeing that he's now a part of your coven.” Ozymandias momentarily turned his head in my direction and said, “Sorry friend, but, amusing or not, I'm far too busy to babysit.”

“I don't see that you'll have a choice,” Jeff Razor, or whatever the fuck his name was, cut in. “I can't take him. My coven is full. I'd love to make an exception, but as per the Draculas' laws, I'm maxed out. As their
representative,
I'm sure you wouldn't want to break the very rules you're charged with enforcing,” he mocked.

“You're quite right. Silly me,” replied Ozymandias. Suddenly, with a swiftness and ferocity that I would never have expected from someone who looked like he just stepped out of a Harvard prep school, he spun around and impaled his fist straight through the chest of the unfortunate vampire who happened to be standing closest behind him. The vamp burst into flames even as Ozymandias was still elbow-deep in him. Within a few seconds, all that was left was a little ash clinging to his arm and a stunned (
myself included
) crowd of onlookers. Note to self: do
NOT
fuck with Ozymandias.

He casually dusted himself off and then turned back to Jeff, “Oh, look. It seems you have an opening, after all.”

“You killed Rage Vector!” shouted Jeff.

“Is that what you called him?” Ozymandias asked with a grin. “Stupid name, if you ask me. Never really liked him much, anyway.”

Another male voice from the back chimed in, “Goddamn it! He owed me fifty bucks.”

“Send the bill to my attention,” Ozymandias continued, his eyes still focused on Jeff. “Anyone else have anything further to add?” Unsurprisingly, he was met with silence. “Good. I thought you'd all see it my way. As for you,” he turned back toward me, “do you accept inclusion into your sire, Night Razor's, coven, and promise to abide by his rules? Before you answer, let me just be clear that the alternative is the same fate as your fellow party guests. The Draculas are not fond of uncovened vampires.”

“Is uncovened even a word?” I, for some goddamned stupid reason, blurted out before I could censor myself. I paused for just a heartbeat as I mentally berated myself for breaking my ‘no messing with this guy’ rule no more than ten seconds after I made it, and then continued once I noticed I still wasn't a pile of dust. “Err, sorry about that. What I meant to say was that, of course, I'll be happy to accept membership.” (
At least until I figure out how to get myself out of this freaking mess!
)

“I thought you would.” Then back to Jeff, “Well it appears to be all settled, then. Now if we could just make it official. And do hurry. There are only a few hours ‘til daybreak (
guess I was 'dead' longer than I thought
) and I'd prefer to spend it in my hotel room.”

Judging by Jeff's glare, he was trying to incinerate us both with his mind. When that didn't happen, he took a deep breath and appeared to compose himself.

“Gather round, my children, and
esteemed
guest. It is time to welcome a new br... brother in blood into our ranks.”

Since the assembled vamps were already standing around us in a circle (
a circle slightly outside of Ozymandias’ reach
) there was only a minor shuffling. I guess there was some order or ranking going on, but I couldn't really tell. Can't say I really cared, either.

“Uh, so what should I do?” I asked.

Guess that was a bad move, because Jeff rounded on me and practically jumped down my throat.

“The initiate...” he hissed, “will be...
SILENT
!”

On that last word, his voice seemed to reverberate inside my entire head. Scratch that. I could feel it in my
bones
. What the fuck? I could feel myself reeling from the sheer power of it. Even weirder, for just a second, I almost felt compelled to obey. Damn, that was weird.

Still, for the moment, it seemed like prudent advice, so I zipped it. Jeff, in return, gave me a self-satisfied sneer, a really creepy one, too, like he knew something I didn't. Or maybe I was just reading too much into it and it was just another extension of his douchebag nature. Either way, it wasn't doing much to enhance my opinion of him. I could probably adjust to being a blood-sucking denizen of the dark, but having to deal with this asshole lording it over me for all of eternity... well that was going to be a tough one to swallow.

Jeff continued on with his little self-important soliloquy, “Does anyone reject our new little brother? Speak now and let your voice be heard.” Jeff paused and glanced around, probably hoping that someone would speak up and point out a couple of good reasons that I needed to have my ass killed. However, all eyes were firmly on Ozymandias. Whatever objections they might have had were very obviously silenced by his earlier example.

“Very well,” Jeff continued as he once more turned to me. “I release you from your earlier compulsion (
whatever the fuck that meant
). You may now speak. Do you accept the assembled as your brothers and sisters?”

Jeez, it's melodramatic shit like this that kept me from joining a frat in college. Not to mention the fact that I seriously doubted I would ever have sisterly thoughts toward any of the assembled babes. But still, in the interest of staying alive, I merely said yes, and then shut it again.

“So be it,” Jeff continued, “Since my time of ascension, it has been the tradition of this coven that all new members must cast off their old selves and assume a name more befitting of their new station in the after-death. I have been, am now, and shall forever be
Night Razor
(
aka Jeff... so much for casting off old identities
). So, too, must you now forsake your old life. It is over. Choose a new name to take with you into your new existence. As your master (
fuck you!
) it is my entitlement to
SUGGEST
(
whoa, that weird ringing in my head again
) what that new name might be. Thus, I say your new name should be...”