Big is Beautiful (7 page)

"I have not."

I gave him my best
are you kidding me
look.

"Okay, I have. I'm sorry. I know we are supposed to work until four, but can we stop a few minutes early?" His phone vibrated right on cue. Checking it, he grabbed his books. "I'm so sorry. Lori has to get to work early and since my truck's still in the shop and she has to take me home—" By
she
has to take me home,
I assumed he meant Lori.

"I get it. Go. I'll finish this last problem then lock up. I know what it's like to be at the mercy of another driver."

Matt's face lit up like I'd told him he'd won something awesome. "Thanks for understanding. You're a Godsend."

He grabbed his stuff and ran out the door, leaving me and my geometry.

Sigh. At least I knew how to do it now.

I finished in record time, packed my bag, threw on my old black coat, locked the door, and made my way out of the school. Checking my phone, I noticed it was still five minutes before my mom would be there.

When I exited the double doors at the front of the school, I saw Matt getting in a car, which was strange since he'd left more than five minutes before me and should be long gone. And it wasn't Lori's car. It was Kendra's.

Chapter Seven

I didn't talk much on the ride home. My mom took the opportunity to tell me all about a call she'd gotten from my dad. A big project had come up at work, and he had the opportunity to stay and work until the end of March. It would be a sacrifice now, but in the end, it could lead to a better job for my dad. A more stable job at the company headquarters in Knoxville. We wouldn't even have to move.

My mom asked my opinion on it, and I snapped out of my stupor long enough to tell her I thought it would be a good idea for him to stay and work. I'd miss him, of course. I always missed him when he wasn't around, but if it gave him a chance to be at home every night, then I was all for it.

I could tell it had been the answer she had been looking for, and she beamed the rest of the way home. Personally, I just tried not to grimace too much. I couldn't stop thinking about Matt. He wasn't mine in any way, shape, or form. Why in the world would I care if he got in Kendra's car? Then again, why would he feel the need to lie to me about it?

Something was strange about all of it.

We got home and I remembered my weight loss goal. Nine hundred calories for the day. My stomach remembered that nine hundred was way too low and I needed at least twelve hundred if not more to be healthy. I told my stomach to get over it. Once I was healthy, I'd start eating better. Until then, I needed a jump start. Nine hundred calories would have to tide me over for the next ten weeks while I lost my twenty-five pounds.

Mom fixed grilled cheese and French fries for supper. She obviously didn't know about my new diet. Mentally calculating, I didn't see how grilled cheese could be very fattening so I ate my sandwich with a glass of milk and only a handful of fries. There, all totaled, that couldn't be over nine hundred calories.

At around six, I kissed my mom good night and headed up the stairs to do my homework. When she questioned why I was heading up so early, I reminded her about my horrible English poet paper. She never asked again.

Once in my room, I threw my backpack down and slid into my computer chair. I pulled up the weight loss site I'd favorited this morning and got to work.

Breakfast: Toast-
79 Calories
(Not too bad!)

Lunch: Half chicken sandwich 220
(Oh! I was doing well. Still had 600 calories left for the day!)

Supper: Grilled Cheese—185 calories; fries—130 calories. Total: 315

Total for the day: 614 calories

614 calories! Total! I was 286 in the hole! I couldn't believe it. I'd done it. Sure, I hadn't eaten a fruit or a real vegetable… and my legs felt a little weak, but the website said if I kept this up, I'd weigh 176.8 in five weeks! Nearly twenty pounds less than I did now.

My weight loss was doable!

I couldn't be happier.

Saving my food log, I pulled out my English and started on my paper. I had found three dead poets and just needed two more to print biographies on and then work them into a five page paper.

The longer I sat, the more fidgety I became and the more my head started to ache. After suffering for another thirty minutes, I decided the culprit must be the computer screen. Folding my laptop, I rubbed my eyes to ease the strain on them. The clock on my phone said it was only seven, but I couldn't stay up any longer. With my homework relatively complete, I crawled into bed without taking off my clothes or brushing my teeth. In a few seconds, the sandman came to visit me.

****

Red lights taunted me from my nightstand. My clock read 2:08 and it was still dark. Normally, I could roll over and go back to sleep. Not tonight. Tonight, my stomach growled and no matter how much I told it to shut up, it refused to listen. At around three, exhausted, I grudgingly got up and flopped my feet on the floor. If I couldn't go one day without eating like a pig, how did I expect to make it five or six more weeks?

Tired, worn-out, and frustrated, I made my way down the dark stairs and into the kitchen. I don't know why I snuck really. It wasn't like my mom would open her door across from mine and scold me for getting a midnight snack. I had to keep my thoughts on the goal. Skinny… Skinny like Kendra… Skinny like my mom… skinny so I wouldn't be 'Big' anymore. I had no control over what people called me, but I did have control over how I looked — well, how much I weighed anyway.

In the dark, I opened the refrigerator door and became blinded by the light. It took a few seconds for my eyes to focus again. When they did, I grabbed a soft drink. On the counter, I grabbed a bag of chips and sat at the kitchen table. I opened the bag and shoved a salty chip in my mouth. Man, it felt nice sliding down my throat. The lemon lime drink perfectly cleansed my palate (as they said on the cooking channel my mom watched).

Throwing another chip in, my mind wandered to Matt and Kendra. What in the world had happened with him? First, he'd been so upset over his sister, he left tutoring early. Then, it wasn't his sister who picked him up from school. It was Kendra's smirky mug.

Crunch.
Awesome chip. Plain. Just like I liked them.

Plain just like me.

What was the deal? Did Matt and Kendra still have something going on? Surely they had to or why would he be getting in the car with her?

Crunch.

But then again, on Monday he kept talking about how Kendra shouldn't make fun of me like she did. Why would he say that if he was still into her?

Crunch.

And on top of that…

Crunch.

Why did I care? Like I kept trying to tell myself, Matt wasn't mine, would never be mine, didn't even like me. He couldn't get away from me quick enough today. Wonder if his sister had texted him when he jumped up and left — or had it been Kendra?

Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.

"Get over it, Brittany. He doesn't like you!"

I reached my hand in the bag and suddenly stopped. Crumbs. I was down to crumbs!

I'd eaten the entire bag of chips.

There went my six hundred calorie day! There went my losing twenty-five pounds! There went not being 'Big' anymore!

Maybe Kendra was right. I should be made fun of. I had no will power. How pitiful could one person be?

I had to do something. Fast. I needed a clean slate. I couldn't start the day eight hundred calories or more in the hole.

My first thought didn't appeal to me, but I had no choice. After tossing the sickening chip bag in the trash and pouring what remained of my drink down the sink, I ran through the living room to the first story bathroom, locked the door, and leaned against the door.

Zero. I needed back to zero. I'd do better.

Falling to my knees next to the toilet, I raised both lids and leaned over.

I hated throwing up, but this was important.

I shoved my finger as far as I could down my throat and forced my stomach muscles to contract.

Nothing.

Scared and frustrated, I tried again. I couldn't have that many calories sitting in my stomach and spreading out my hips even more than they already were. Pushing my finger as far as I could down my throat, I heaved like I had the last time I had a stomach virus, shut my eyes tightly because I couldn't stand the thought of seeing it, and felt the chips and drink flying up. I coughed and spit some more until everything seemed cleaned out.

Once the deed was done, I lay back on the door and took ragged breaths. G
od, what did I do?
I prayed as silent tears started to stream down my face. I'd never in my wildest dreams thought I would be a girl who forced her food up. It had always seemed so silly, but now I understood. Now, I got it.

Praying I'd been quiet enough not to wake my mom upstairs, I cracked the door open and peered out through the living room to the kitchen. Holding my breath, I didn't see or hear anything. Good. My mom had slept through it.

Quietly, I shut the door back, flushed, put the lids down, and brushed my teeth with the guest toothbrushes my mom always kept under the sink. I made a mental note to replace it soon.

While brushing my teeth, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Because I'd thrown up, my eyes were red with purple rings under them. I saw a girl who had been desperate, and a girl who would never throw up on purpose again.

Healthy eating, exercise, calorie-counting would be how I lost. I couldn't make throwing up a habit.

Once I put everything in the bathroom in order so my mom wouldn't notice, I went upstairs and fell under my covers. Worn out, I shut my eyes and slept. Thankfully, I didn't dream.

****

My alarm clock woke me up at six on the dot. I slid out of bed and dragged into the upstairs bathroom at the end of the hall. Mom's door was open, and I smelled sausage. My tummy grumbled, but I wouldn't let it win. It won the first round last night, but I would win the war.

I fixed myself up semi-decent, pulling my hair from the nape of my neck into a bit of a French twist and fastened it with a claw clip. The dark brown strands fell over the clip like a fountain. It actually looked pretty cute.

In my room, I put on a black, slimming long sleeved shirt and the tightest jeans I had that didn't cause me to have a muffin top. Not for the fashion, but for the block in my eating. I hoped the tight jeans around my waist would keep my food intake in check. It couldn't hurt.

I grabbed my bag, not taking the time to check my laptop. I knew I had nine hundred new calories to eat today. My plan was to eat toast for breakfast again, then half of my pizza at lunch and then maybe a small saucer of whatever my mom cooked for supper. Supper would be the hard part. Mom would notice if I looked like I was trying to lose weight. She'd want me to do it the 'healthy' way. I didn't want to be healthy. I wanted the weight off. Now.

When I got downstairs, my mom had my plate already fixed — sausage slapped between two biscuits. She smiled when she saw me and handed me the plate. "Morning."

"Mornin'." How was I going to get out of eating the sausage? The biscuit (well, one of them) wouldn't be terrible. Not two sausages though. Was she trying to clog my arteries? Not knowing what else to do, I grabbed the plate and took a bite while she stood and watched. Her grin lit up the room and she kissed my cheek mid-chew. "Glad you like it. Gotta eat well today."

My mouth was full of biscuit and pig. "Why?"

"Math test."

I nearly choked. "Tomorrow. The test is tomorrow."

"I know. But you have tutoring for it today, right? It's almost as important as the actual test. Gotta keep your strength up all the way through four o'clock today so you can study, study, study."

Feeling my heart beat again, I relaxed. One shouldn't announce a math test unless it was the day of said test. It messed with the nerves. From the corner of my eye, I saw the bus coming. Saved in the nick of time.

I swallowed the one bite of sausage and biscuit I'd taken and handed the plate to my mother. "Bus is here. Thanks for breakfast." I kissed her cheek before heading toward the door.

"Wait. Take one and eat it on the bus."

This woman didn't give up. "Fine. Thanks." I took the biscuit I'd eaten off of and headed out the door. After getting down the three slick steps safely, I heard the phone ring inside. Taking a chance to turn around, I saw Mom going into the living room to take a call on the main house phone. Grateful for the opportunity, I threw my sausage and biscuit into the bushes around the house and made it to the bus with one bite of breakfast in my stomach. Brittany, one. Stomach, nada. I felt pretty good about that, kind of weak but good.

Like yesterday, the talk on the bus was all about the dance. Freshmen were all starry-eyed over their sophomore, junior, or even senior dates. The freshmen with the seniors were especially giddy. Everyone else pretended to be excited for them but was secretly wondering how they could snag their own hottie senior. I knew a hottie senior, technically, but I didn't know what to think of him. What I couldn't figure out most was why he felt the need to lie to me. Why would I care if Kendra picked him up instead of his sister? Matt wasn't anything to me but my tutor, and if he acted today as spacey as he had yesterday, I seriously doubted how much I would learn, which would be bad since I had a major test tomorrow.

As per my new normal, I let everyone else off the bus first and brought up the rear. Unlike the past few days, the sun hit my face when I got out of the door, warming it a bit. Not a cloud in the sky. It was a beautiful day, one I desperately needed. Things were gloomy enough without the sky being all ominous.

I looked for Matt but didn't see him. I did see Kendra walking up the sidewalk with her posse laughing at whatever incredibly hilarious thing she was saying. Not wanting her to see me, I hurried inside the building. Caleb would have been happy if he'd been behind me today. Stopping briefly at my locker, I threw my coat in and shut it when I spied Kendra coming around the corner. I would not let her ruin my day.