Big is Beautiful (16 page)

She almost was. Her hand was on the bathroom door and she turned just as I walked out of my stall.

Kendra Moses.

Of course it was.

"You're the one who was in there heaving?" she asked with her hateful tone and hand on her hip.

Busted. My heart beat faster than it had in a long time, and I walked over to the sinks to wash my hands. If Kendra would ever leave, I'd wash out my mouth.

"That was me," I admitted, turning on the sink. The cool water felt nice sliding over my sweaty palms.

She looked highly offended. "Well, thanks for that! Why would you go out in public sick? Really, Big! I don't want to get your virus and miss the Red Ball. Of all the things—"

"I'm not sick," I cut in, but she didn't hear me.

She shut the door and started ranting some more. Great. Stuck in a bathroom with Kendra with no way out. I thought I really was going to be sick. "Why don't you think of others? Do you think they all want your nasty stomach thing? Do you think Matt will?

"I'm not sick," I said again with a lot more emphasis. How dare she accuse me of being a horrible person? I wasn't sick.

"What?" She looked thoroughly confused. I figured it didn't take much. "If you aren't sick, why are in you in the bathroom…" and a light bulb went off in her head. I saw it shining in her reflection from the mirror. I could have kicked myself. Had I really outed myself to Kendra of all people?

"You're throwing up your supper, aren't you?" She looked positively giddy.

"No." I did my best to scoff, but I could see the redness start to fill my cheeks in my reflection.

"You are! You're throwing up. What? Do you need to fit into your Red Ball dress or something?"

Yes
. "No. I just got choked, that's all."

She put her hand on her hip. "I'm not stupid, Big. I know people don't throw up when they are choking. Oh, my word! You're bulimic! You're bulimic!" It was like she'd won the lottery.

I was so not bulimic! "I'm not. I haven't… done it enough to be bulimic."

"How many times?" She ran over to me like she was my best friend and this was the greatest news ever. "How many times have you done it?"

"None of your business." I yanked a paper towel from the wall dispenser, dried my hands, and walked passed Kendra to the trashcan. I was at the door and home free except for the yucky breath.

"Matt will not be happy," she said behind me. When I turned, I saw her standing with her arms crossed over her chest as she leaned her hip on the off-white sink.

"Why would Matt care?" As long as I showed up, he shouldn't care one way or another. Except, I imagined he would care. I remembered on Wednesday how he made me eat some peanuts and a drink. He seemed pretty adamant about it. And he mentioned someone he cared about but never got into any details.

She looked pleased that she knew something about Matt I didn't. "I'm surprised he hasn't told you. Doesn't feel you are worth it, I guess."

I sighed, not wanting to give her the satisfaction of a verbal fight. I started to open the door when she said, "It's his sister."

"What?" I looked at her, exhausted by this round and round we were doing.

"His sister. You know? Lori."

"I know who she is."

"She's been sick lately. Had to stop going to school this semester and go to counseling."

"That's why she's been picking up Matt and not at college?"

"Sharp, aren't ya?" Kendra grinned. "Anyway, Lori had to quit college because, drum roll please, she's anorexic."

"I'm not anorexic." I was almost two hundred pounds. How could someone as large as me be anorexic?

"Really? Except for the food you threw up, when was the last time you ate?"

"Today, at lunch." After lunch, to be honest. Three peanut butter and crackers from the machine. I'd felt guilty when I'd eaten them.

"And did you throw it up too?"

"No." I wanted to, but I didn't. Thought maybe my body could use at least a little fuel.

"You can try to hide it all you want, Big, but you have an eating disorder, which is hilarious because…" She scanned me up and down. "I mean, look at you!"

I wanted to say something awesome and hurtful back to her, but I couldn't find the right words. Lack of food had made my brain feel a bit fuzzy. "I don't have a disorder. I just want to lose some weight."

"So you admit it?"

I felt the words come before I could stop them. "Yes! All right? Yes, I admit it. I want to lose weight. I don't want to be Big any more. I want you to leave me alone, and I want to live in peace. I'd like to lose twenty or twenty-five pounds, and I want to do it fast. So if I don't eat, I don't see it as anyone's business but my own!"

She stood still for what seemed like an eternity. I wondered if I'd gotten through to her or I'd simply been talking hot air. Slowly, she walked toward me and stopped inches from my face. "When Matt finds out about this, he'll dump you quicker than he fell for you."

He hadn't fallen for me. "He wouldn't do that."

"Wanna bet? His sister means the world to him. If I tell him, he'll leave you. He has enough to put up with her."

"He won't."

She smirked. "Okay, maybe he won't. Maybe he'll stick by you. What then? He'll make you tell your mom, your dad. Everyone at school will find out when you don't show up because they've put you in a rehab center. And when you come back as big as you were when you left, people will laugh at you more because Big tried to be anorexic and failed. Either way, kiss Matt good bye. He'll be mine again before you can say bacon cheeseburger."

She sauntered by me and went to the door. "What do you want?" I said, defeated.

"What do you mean?" She knew exactly what I meant.

"What do you want? To keep your mouth shut?"

She looked overly taken aback. "Why Brittany Isabelle Gregory, how could you think so little of me? You just worry about the dance and fitting into your dress. I'm sure it's pretty for
you
. By that, I mean I bet it's mediocre."

"Don't tell him, please." I sounded pathetic even to myself. Having to beg Kendra to keep my secret? God sure had a sense of humor.

"Simple. Don't be in the room when Red Queen is announced."

"What?" I didn't think Red Queen mattered to her.

"You heard me. They only crown a person Red Queen if they are present. Time constraints and all that. Don't be around when it's announced."

"You don't want me to get it. I knew you wanted it!" The selfish little thing.

Her eyes turned dark. "I'd rather anyone get it but you, Big. Disappear and I won't tell Matt. Get Red Queen and your secret is out. Your choice."

Kendra opened the door to leave. "Oh, and a little advice. Twenty-five pounds isn't going to make you look any better. Better shoot for at least fifty. That'll take one or two chins off."

With that, she was gone, and I was devastated. I didn't trust Kendra not to tell Matt no matter what I did. It wouldn't suit her character. But part of me had my heart set on the possibility of Red Queen. Now there was no chance. I'd have to disappear before the crowning or risk Matt knowing the truth. From what Kendra had said, he couldn't know.

I washed my mouth out under the faucet and wiped my face with a brown paper towel, all the while looking in the mirror.

I had to do what Kendra said to keep her quiet. I didn't want to lose Matt before I'd even gotten him.

Chapter Fourteen

Saturday afternoon, I got out of the shower, put a large lavender towel around my body and stood in front of the mirror.

What was I doing?

I hadn't seen Matt since Thursday evening, and here I was going on a date with the guy… not just a date… going to the hugely important Valentine's dance together.

He'd sent me a text last night:
Pick you up at six. Can't wait.

And I'd nearly swooned. Okay, maybe I did swoon a little. I wanted to pinch myself because none of this seemed real. People like me didn't get to have their Cinderella moments, and I wouldn't either if Kendra Moses had her way.

I wouldn't let the thought of her keep me from enjoying my date, though. The chances of me winning Red Queen were between slim and none. Matt might win King, but I most certainly wouldn't be voted Queen, whether I was Matt's date or not. I knew I didn't have a whole lot to worry about, but I was still nervous. What if Kendra told him? She said he'd be furious because of the trouble with his sister. What if he left me there? What if he never wanted to speak to me again? Worst of all, what if he told my parents?

"God…" I shut my eyes, clamped my hands tightly on the bathroom sink, and prayed as hard as I could. "Please don't let this be too horrible of an experience. Let us have a fun night together and don't let me get humiliated. In Jesus's name I pray. Amen.

Shaking the jumbled thoughts from my brain, I sighed and started the task of trying to be presentable. I told myself to buck up and not be such a downer. It was going to be a special night, one I'd never forget. With an
I can't believe I'm doing this
giggle, I grabbed my toothbrush and brushed my teeth. Next, I brushed my tangled hair and put on a straightener. I blew dry it and straightened it within an inch of its life. When I had it fairly smooth, I parted it in the middle and braided two small sections on each side, fastening them on the back of my head with a loose, sparkly barrette.

There. Not too bad.

I put on a little more makeup than normal. The mascara made my eyes pop, and the deep crimson color caused my lips to look deliciously plump.

I hoped people wouldn't think I looked like a clown. Not that their opinion should matter, but it did. I couldn't help it. I knew God made me exactly like He wanted me, but
I
wanted to look like Kendra Moses.

It was time to face the scales. I stood on the scary contraption and thought light thoughts.

The red numbers started rolling:

A leaf.

The wind.

A bird gliding through the air.

Light thoughts… light thoughts.

189.3

I read the numbers over to myself until they sank in. I'd lost a little over four pounds since Monday! I had hoped for more, but the scale didn't lie. Twenty-one more pounds until I reached the fabulous twenty-five pound mark! I could do this! Man, I wanted a cheeseburger and fries. After last night's steak fiasco, I wondered if I could even hold down that much food anymore.

Finally, the big moment had arrived. The dress.

In my room, my mom slipped it over my head, careful not to mess up my hair. The dress fell over my body like a perfectly fitted glove. I never imagined I'd ever have something so pretty. I leaned on the wall and sucked in my breath while my mom zipped the zipper and tightened the corset back.

"Tighter," I said when I already could barely breathe.

"If I go any tighter, I'll break a rib."

"Ribs are overrated." I tried to tease, but in reality, I wanted it much tighter. I needed the appearance of a waist.

She relented and pulled it tighter, but not as tight as I would have liked. She refused to go any tighter though, so there I was. Comfortably uncomfortable. I fixed the one shoulder strap on my arm and pulled my hair over the other shoulder.

My mom helped me put on my sparkly black shoes with the two-inch heels, glad I didn't settle for the three-inch ones. Those would have pushed my comfort boundaries way too far.

Once everything was in place, I walked over to the mirror and saw the results of our hard work. I didn't look anything like myself. I looked, dare I say, halfway decent. Not gorgeous like Kendra Moses or Jillian, but not bad. Matt would be happy to have me on his arm, I hoped anyway.

I heard the doorbell ring, and my breath caught. I was afraid to pinch myself because I didn't want to wake up from this dream. Matt Taylor was standing at my front door, ready to take me on a date. Last Saturday, my most exciting thing was watching videos on the Internet. This Saturday, I was going to the Ball. Things sure had changed in a week.

My mom kissed me on the cheek and smiled brightly. "You look beautiful."

"Thank you," I said nervously. Big was beautiful. Who would have thought it?

The doorbell rang again, and my mom left to answer it. Alone, I needed time to calm my nerves. My stomach growled angrily at me, and I told it to hush. There'd be no supper tonight. Tonight, I danced!

"Ready or not," I whispered to the girl in the mirror. "Here I go."

I heard voices when I got to the top of the staircase: my mom obviously, and Matt. My heart beat a little faster (okay, it was going faster than a racecar at Indy).

"Calm down,"
I told myself.
"He's a person. Just like you. Except he's gorgeous and handsome and hot and… Stop! He likes you! Get over yourself!"

My brain was right. He wasn't any more special than I was. I could do this. Big could have her big night.

After taking another deep breath, I started down the stairs. The sound of my heels clicking on the hardwood echoed in my ears. The two voices downstairs stopped abruptly, but I kept going. If I stopped to think, I'd never get down the stairs or to the dance.

For the second time, I hoped I wasn't overdressed.

I got to the lower step and had to fight my eyes to stop watching my feet and start watching Matt appear. It wasn't like he was going to laugh at me. He'd asked me out, remember?

From under my mascara-covered eyelashes, I saw him.

First his legs… then his body in an attractive black suit… Then his neck with a dark red tie under a matching vest the same shade as my dress. If that wasn't a sign, I didn't know what was. And finally, I saw his face.

My. Word… his face!

He was clean shaven and his hair was gelled in a different way than normal. It was parted to the side with a little, wavy poof. He looked like someone out of a magazine.

Best of all, he looked nervous, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet. But when he saw me… actually saw me… his eyes lit up. A smile formed on his kissable lips and for a second, time stood still.